Disclaimer: *checks virtually non-existent stock portfolio* Nope, no RK here. Kenshin's only mentioned in this section anyway. So there, *nyah* ~_^by Calger459
Prism - Vignette: Shimizu Yanagi
Defeat. That was the first time I had felt it, defeat in its truest form, and all my foolish desires fled in the face of death.
The eyes of the demon bored into my soul, his sword kissing my throat, and I knew it was over. I would die, at the hands of the same man who had saved my life seven years before.
Did I view it as irony? Justice? Betrayal? I truly don't know.
Because I no longer understand myself, or what I have become.
For over a year I lived as Jine's slave, in secret. In my desire to make something of myself, to achieve strength equal to—no, greater than—Himura's, I became bound to this soulless creature, this rouge hitokiri who lived only for death. I did it willingly, despite my misgivings. Those misgivings belonged to the old, weak Yanagi. I was no longer that man; I would be someone better, someone stronger. So I agreed to follow him.
He taught me to track and recognize auras in a detail I could never have dreamed possible before, to read others' emotions and intentions with unerring accuracy. This was something I wanted.
He taught me to harness that energy, collect it, and release it so it could be used with the force of a small bomb. This was something I wanted.
He taught me to use that same energy for defense, to create a wall around myself. Not an invincible barrier, but something temporary that could be used to fend off a fatal blow in an emergency. This was something I wanted.
He taught me how to twist the aura of another, to the point where I could control not their thoughts, but the base emotions that drove those thoughts. This…was something I wanted.
He taught me to extend beyond just emotions, to affect their body, to freeze their heart or merely paralyze their muscles, whichever I chose. To kill with a mere thought, watching them suffocate in agony. This…I did not know if I wanted, but I learned it anyway.
I learned everything he taught me, and in return he used me to hunt down more victims for his endless bloodlust.
I would tell Akari that I was going on a business trip, often somewhere far away like Okinawa or Hokkaido. Would I visit Sakura-san in Furano if I passed that way? Would I pay tribute to the graves of my father and her mother for her, since it was too far a journey to make on her own? Of course…if I had the time. Would I bring her souvenirs from the warm lands to the south, perhaps an exotic shell from the beaches? Of course, I would reply, and I would search every market I could during daylight hours until I found something she would believe had come from that place.
All lies. All deceptions. Weeks spent away from her, traveling in the night, tracking and hunting and freezing men, altering their emotions to lure them to me, to him. To their deaths.
And I would stand by and watch as he slaughtered them. Depending on his mood, they either died quickly by the sword or slowly choked to death under his Shin no Ippo, their bowels spilling in their final moments of agony, their skin turning blue and waxy.
I was repulsed, I was afraid, I was…horribly intrigued, and envious of his control over the fates of others. This was what I had always wanted. Even if I was physically sick nearly every night—out of his presence when possible, to avoid his cruel mockery—over what we were doing, it was still achieving my goal. To gain strength in the one area I could, so I could overcome Himura when I finally found him.
Why Himura? Why, out of all the swordsmen I could have chosen, did it have to be him? That, I could not tell you. Then, or now. Maybe because he was the first real swordsman I had ever met. A true warrior, and a legend of the age. That…and I am still in his debt, something I have always resented.
My father gave me nothing; neither choices, nor power, nor strength. That was reserved for my elder brother, who even now carries on my father's craft in Furano; but I never bore him any ill will. My brother is a good man, and strong in his profession. He will be successful, and live on into old age a happy man, content with creating works of art from lumps of otherwise useless metal.
That life was not meant for me, I knew that. My father dismissed me as useless and reckless; too unskilled for the family craft and too troublesome in my personality to train in any other aspect of our business. How ironic then that earning money is the one thing besides ki I seem to be good at. My father could never see that though; I still don't know why. Even so, I was his son and when the peasants began to rebel around us he feared for my safety. He hoped to marry me off, get me out of the way so he would no longer have to worry about his useless second son getting himself into trouble and ruining the family's reputation with such an unsavory death. Bastard. Controlling, self-centered bastard.
What about my happiness, my peace of mind, my strength? What about me?
And I call him self-centered.
But really, did I not have some right? Himura felt that I did…and did not at the same time. I should find my own freedom and worth, he told me, but not if it meant shattering my bond with my father. I should find another way, a better way. Those gentle violet eyes were so earnest when he told me that, as if he were remembering something from his past, about which I still know virtually nothing. Sentimental fool. Sentimental…and yet so incredibly strong and independent. He needed no one to care for him; he had his own talents, and he used them to help people who were nothing more than strangers to him. He used his skills, at the risk of his own life, to set me free. I, who had treated him with nothing but the utmost disrespect.
Why did I despise him so, you ask? Simple. How could he, a murderer renowned through Japan, possibly lecture me on how I should live my life? That's what I told him anyway…and it was the truth, at least in part. Really though, I was jealous. I can admit that now, even if I couldn't then. I was envious of his strength, so much so that I wanted to make it my own. If I gained his kind of power my father would finally notice me, maybe even respect me. And Akari…I already had her love, but her love is not what I really wanted. Even with her, I felt incomplete. I needed my own talent, my own strength. Then, and only then, could I be a whole man for her.
That was my goal when I left Hokkaido, with her at my side. My dream, if it could be called that. But things haven't turned out the way I thought they would.
I lie here shivering in the rain, not far from the clinic, my memory haunted by the glow of mad amber eyes. Eyes that I set free to challenge my own strength, to test my own ability.
Well I have been tested, and I have lost. My sacrifices, my lies, have been for nothing. I have lost Akari forever; in my madness, so like that of my deceased mentor, I closed that one path to redemption forever. I closed it because I no longer cared about it, because I finally admitted to myself that it was not nearly enough to soothe my restless soul. I am such a coward.
What is it that I really want? Why have I done these things? Why did I agree to work with Jine, why did I kill that man in Osaka, why did I hurt my wife? Why can't I leave this path that fills me with such pain and despair?
I suppose, somewhere inside me, I know the answer to that. It is a path of madness I walk now, a path without reason or end, and I stay on it because I have nothing else. I have lost everything. All I have left now is my abilities, the empty strength I destroyed everything else in my life to achieve: my love, my dignity, my honor, and my worth as a human being. I am such a pitiful, horrible man. I can't turn back, can I? I can't go back to the way things were. Even if I could…I would not, because I was going mad in that life, pacing that apartment in Osaka like an animal in a cage, trapped by my own lies and illusions.
The man Akari married is no more. I can't deny that any longer. He is gone, swept away by his weakness. I am all that remains and I will conquer Himura, even if it costs me my life. After all, what else can I do?
I wanted to believe that not even Battousai would take my life…but he so nearly did. It was so close, and in that instant when our desperate breaths mingled and our shared madness was ready to consume us both, I found that I was afraid of death. Afraid…and yet strangely relieved, because at least if I was dead then this horrible mockery I call a life would be over.
I'm so tired, Akari. So defeated. I will go to my death, if that is my fate. It is the least I deserve. As for you…I owe you the truth, don't I? You, who is the greatest victim of my twisted, empty ambitions. You deserve to hear it from the one responsible for your tears, the misery that in your pride you refuse to show anyone, even me. I know when you cry though. Somehow, I always know.
When Himura has left the clinic, I will see you one last time. I will explain, and then…I will leave you forever.
I thought, in the very beginning, that I was doing this for you. So I could be a better man for you. That's what I thought my heart was telling me when we left Hokkaido, but I was wrong.
In the end, I suppose my feelings for myself are just like those I have for my father. I hated him and now I hate myself, with every fiber of my being.
I am beaten in the rain. I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep up this double life. Not for you, and certainly not for me.
I am so sorry, my love.
A/N: I felt that Yanagi desperately needed some sort of explanation, both for the reader and for me. He's changed so much since "An Inn in Hokkaido" and yet in many ways he is the same, so I needed to determine exactly how Jine had influenced him. In this vignette I really tried to iron out his character and goals, and show why he does what he does in chapter 13. He switches erratically between addressing the audience (or himself, if you prefer) and Akari directly; something which I felt showed the instability in his mind (and hey, it wrote itself like that anyway -_-;;). I see this section as an important link between chapters 12 and 13, I hope you all liked it, even if you hate Yanagi (I know I do :P) On to part 13! Yanagi no baka…
Author's Page || Post a review at ffnet. || Go to next chapter