Kendo no Go
In the Language of Kendo:
A Fanfic in 100 Chapters
by Akai Kitsune
43: Bitter
~*~
Memories of the Bakumatsu, during his
time as the hitokiri, were often hard for Kenshin, whether he
discussed them openly - which was rare - or when he silently
considered them - which was almost on a daily basis. It made
Kaoru wonder, sometimes, why he didn't speak of whatever good
memories he had - and he must have, really; didn't everyone? -
more often. She tried to do so herself, as an encouraging tactic,
but he feigned that infuriating innocent look and smiled with
her, offering nothing in return.
She could understand his feelings in Kyoto - that was, after
all, the single place in all Japan where he had spent five years
of his life doing nothing more than killing men at the whim of
his masters - but outside of the city, at home again, his secrecy
confused her.
"... for Kenshin, this is a city full of
bitter memories..."
Home. What was home, to him?
Was that why?
"Tadaima de gozaru."
"That was the first time I'd said those
words ever since I began wandering..."
Perhaps home was, for him, a refuge from such memories, a way
to avoid speaking of his past.
He had spent so much time running from it, trying to escape
it...
'Maybe... maybe he thinks about it... to
reconcile with it. To meet it head on, and...'
'... and...'
"It's a little lonely, but..."
Kenji had the most enduring pout she
had ever seen, and although she found it adorable, Kaoru couldn't
help but frown at the sight. His misery caused her own, although
she was never sure who to scold, really.
Such as the time Kenji ran into the house, sniffling and
scowling, covered from head to toe in mud. She looked down from
making dinner and gaped at him, unable to do anything as he
rushed to her, wrapping dirt-encrusted arms around her legs.
"Kenji, what on earth is
wrong?"
Kenshin appeared in the doorway, smiling apologetically,
looking rather guilty. She raised an eyebrow at him, wondering
what he had done now.
Kenji mumbled something unintelligible into her kimono, doing
his best to remove the mud from his body and place it onto hers.
She wasn't impressed.
Carefully extracting him from his grasping hug, she knelt
beside him, gently repeating her question.
His lower lip puffed out a bit, annoyed. "Tousan laughed
at me," he said sulkily.
Kaoru blinked. "Hm?"
"I wanted to help him with the
garden, because there's a lot of plants, and... I tripped and
fell." Another sniffle. "I didn't mean to spill the
seeds, but... tousan laughed at me..."
Ah, and it was her son, her silly, sensitive son, jumping to
conclusions again. She was surprised; it was rare that Kenshin
laughed, really, and it was never over something trivial. He
certainly didn't make a habit of laughing at his son's expense.
Kaoru looked up to Kenshin, and he approached, tugging softly
on Kenji's gi to get his attention. "Kenji, I didn't mean to
laugh. It wasn't at you - I don't care about the seeds, you
know..."
Kenji stared at his toes, his lips pursed into a tight frown.
"Then why?"
Kenshin chuckled again, tugging the boy close to sit on his
knee. "Actually, it's such a silly reason, and I'm sorry
you're so upset. When I was a little boy, I used to help my
father in the fields as much as I could."
Kaoru blinked again, astonished by the choice of discussion as
she returned to the meal.
"But I was so little, I couldn't
do as much as you. So I would trip and stumble a lot,"
Kenshin continued, not noticing his wife's curious eye. Kenji
listened attentively, his face no longer pouting or tearful.
"One day I was carrying seeds for my father, and I tripped
on an old root, tumbling straight into the mud." He touched
his son's little nose, earning a giggle. "Just like you.
That's why I laughed; because I was remembering when I did the
same thing."
Kenji smiled back at him, jumping up and tugging his father's
hand. "Ne, tousan, let's go back and find the seeds! What
did your tousan do?"
"Well, he laughed at me a
little, and helped me up..."
Kaoru listened to their voices as they disappeared outside,
cheerful and enthusiastic yet again. She realized, then, that she
didn't need to know all of Kenshin's past in a long, extended
story that brought him nothing but misery in the end. His silence
after the revelation of his first marriage should have told her
that much.
'But... small stories... a little bit at a
time...'
'For me... for Kenji...'
'It doesn't hurt. He can smile, then.'
'It's not so bitter... not so hurtful.'
'... so... I'll wait, Kenshin. I'll let you
tell me on your own.'
~*~
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