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Under the Shadow: Chapter 5 - Touched by an Angel

by Ayashi ::: 29.Sep.2003

The rain was so fine it created a tingling sensation on my skin. A cold tingling sensation. The tranquil sound of water calmed the beating heart just fine, yet it was not enough to cover the voices echoing in my head.

Oniisan! Oniisan! Where’re you going?
He’s the Hitokiri Battousai! Get him!
Are you going to leave Chika-chan behind again? Oniisan! Oniisan!

The rain was getting heavier.
I hugged my knees for warmth, yet I felt none. The rain continued to beat, soaking my long-faded blue gi and the tattered hakama. I seized the shielded sakabato from my belt, holding it with both hands, watching as it too, got beaten by the storm. I ran a finger down its perfect black saya, brushing the droplets off.

Oniisan!

Chika-chan’s crying face was on my mind. Her hands, wiping frantically the tears running down her face. My heart had ached but I did not stop running. It had only dawned on me then, when I was fleeing from the village, who this ‘oniisan’ was. A victim of the Bakufu war. Possibly a victim of a hitokiri. And all of a sudden I realized, I had no right to be near the two children, I had no right to even just pretend to be this ‘oniisan’. Her tears only made me want to run faster and shut myself from the shameful thoughts.

My hands were stiffening in the chilly wind; my eyes not adjusting to the blurry landscape. Was it morning? Afternoon? Evening? There was no sun, but there was no moon. Had it been days, or weeks since I left that small village? I did not record the roads I took, nor the villages and towns that I fled past. I must have then fell, and left slumped here in the rain.

I felt completely lost.

Shinta… Shinta…You must live on…

Live on… what is the point of living on, if there was no one who cared?
What is the point, when my goal had been accomplished, and the person I love was gone?

…From this day on, your name is Kenshin
…Ken…shin…

I hated this name.
The only sword that I was and ever would be was one that was stained with blood.
A bloodied sword and a bleeding heart.

Gomen nasai…Anata…

Why?

I did not understand.
Why was it that all those whom I sought to protect, died in front my very eyes?
Died as I watched, helpless to do anything.

The shielded sword fell from my hands, landing with a splash into a muddy puddle.
Maybe he was right. It was a stupid idea to become a rurouni, I’d never be able to be a rurouni. Even if I no longer killed, my sword still harmed, still threatened to innocence people.
But what else could I do?
I was confused. I was lost. Abandoned like a toy. A puppet that had served the purpose of its master and was no longer wanted, no longer needed. They had shattered my soul and I was left broken.
I was desperate for an answer.
I wanted an answer to this all.
Tomoe… tell me what my answer should be. Tell me what to do.
Tell me… tell me…
I grasped the damp hair between my fingers, doubling over until I was huddled up in a ball.
Tell me… tell me…

Anyone.

"You’ll catch a cold sitting there."

I looked up. She smelt of my Tomoe.
"Here," she came closer to share her umbrella over my head. She smiled, "My home is just down the corner, why don’t you come and have something to warm yourself until the storm stops?"
I said nothing. I can’t, said a voice in my head; I’ll only cause trouble to those who came near. But how do you refuse such a kind offer from such a warm-hearted soul? Before I came up with an answer, however, the young woman stooped gracefully so that her eyes met mine. I remained impassive, but she would not stop staring, as if searching my soul, until I turned my head and broke away from her intensive glare. I felt her eyes tracing my scar, and I felt it burn.

Without warning, she seized my hand and stood up, pulling me up along the way.
"Your name?"
I stood still for a second, dumbfounded.
"Call me a rurouni, lady."
"I asked for your name, sir."
"My name is unworthy…"
"Kaede."
"Eh?"
"My name is Kaede. Yukishiro Kaede."

I noted that it was raining.