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Conventions: *…* is emphasis, //…// is thoughts

The K&K vignette. Yayness ^_^ Takes place primarily in chapter 8b. Hmm, noticed a trend with these vignettes yet?

Disclaimer: The occasionally fairy-tale romance of K&K and associated characters is property of Watsuki-sensei, Sony, ADV, MediaBlasters, blah blah blah. Getting *really* sick of writing these…

Prism - Vignette: Kamiya Kaoru

I remember the warmth in his golden eyes when he looked at me. *"This whole thing must be so hard for you. And yet you put up with our petty arguments and keep smiling through it all. I wonder how you do it.”*

He asked me that with wondering eyes, and I answered him with perfect confidence, certain of my own feelings even as he seemed to doubt his own. Battousai didn't deny my love, but I could see how it troubled him, how he struggled to reconcile his dismal self-image with the good I saw in him. I remember saying to Kenshin once that he reminded me of an onigirii with two plums hidden inside, one bitter and the other sweet. It was a comment made in a fit of anger; we'd had a minor disagreement that day (an unusual event for us), and his unpredictable mood swings in response to that argument had begun to drive me crazy. "Sometimes I feel like I never know which plum I'm going to get, Kenshin. I wish you'd just pick one and be done with it!" I wanted to yank those thoughtless words back into my mouth the minute I'd uttered them, especially seeing the horrified expression on his face. Kenshin has so many layers, so many carefully built barriers against the world, and I could feel every one of them rise up to shut me out. I couldn't find a way past those walls, no matter how many times I apologized to him.

We hardly spoke at all the next day, which isn't unusual on days I teach at other dojos. I'll be gone for hours while he stays home taking care of the many chores. By the time I get home we're usually both so exhausted we just fall asleep in each other's arms without saying a thing. That was normal, that was accepted; that wasn't a cause for concern or pain. But this brooding silence from him, while I was at home and wanting his company, was another thing entirely. It was torture…that's the only way I can describe it. I think his self-imposed distance hurt him as well, because that evening at dinner he quietly set his chopsticks down on the rim of his rice bowl and apologized for his behavior. "Sessha hasn't been feeling quite himself lately. I shouldn't have overreacted to such a minor thing. I'm so very sorry." He then did something he never does; he actually slid backwards on his knees and bowed to me in apology, his forehead almost touching the floor.

I remember sitting there with my mouth hanging open in shock for a full minute before I had the presence of mind to snap it shut in indignation. "Kenshin, I'm the one who made such an awful comment! You don't need to blame yourself for every little thing …" I bit my lip to keep from saying something really stupid and glared down at the table. The air shifted slightly beside me and he slipped his hand, incredibly gentle yet so very strong, under my chin. The eyes that met mine were dark and sad, a far cry from the laughing wanderer I was used to.

"There have been things weighing on my mind lately, koishii, and I showed poor control over my emotions yesterday. I was wrong to take it out on you. Besides which...your statement was quite true, and truthfully I was a bit surprised by it. You're right, I need find a way to decide which plum is the true one, and you've already done a great deal to help with me with that, for which I'm eternally grateful."

Have I really been helpful? I wish I could agree with him, I wish I had his sort of confidence. But in the end, what have I really done to reconcile the competing sides of Kenshin's personality? This current situation has me feeling so *useless*; all I can do really is sit back and watch him fall apart. While I can certainly show him that I love him, and will always care for him no matter what happens, I want to do more. I want to take away his pain and free his mind from the struggles he goes through everyday. I know I can't do that though; this is his battle. Still, if only I could have somehow known how apt my little analogy would turn out to be, maybe I would have been more prepared. I could, perhaps, have done more to help all of them. Two plums, and the rice that holds them together…

Thinking back again to Battousai's question, I have to admit that I don't know how I keep smiling in this situation. Sano has been gone for several minutes now. He left to find Battousai, who slipped out secretly into the night with his own agenda, one that I'm terrified to think of.

How could he have done something like this? *How*? I knew the hitokiri was impulsive, I knew he could be reckless, but to go after Yanagi alone…I glance over at the rurouni, Kenshin's gentler self, and wonder at the differences between them. I would never expect such behavior from the logical, level-headed wanderer. At the moment Kenshin is sitting cross-legged on the floor next to the still-sleeping Shinta, who despite all the commotion over Battousai being missing hasn't even stirred. He must really be exhausted, I think with a slight smile. Moving to sit by the rurouni, I reach over to touch his hand. He starts slightly at the contact, and it is all I can do not to cry at the desolate look he gives me. "It will be all right." I say with a confidence I don't really feel. "He'll come back."

"In what state?" Kenshin's voice is strained. His hand trembles under mine. "Who will he be when he returns, Kaoru? You saw him in the market today, you saw his madness. He just keeps getting more unstable and dangerous and I fear for Sano, going after him alone." He looks away from me, out through the open door into the cool night, where the crickets are singing softly. "What if neither of them comes back?"

"Don't talk like that!" My words come out harsher than I'd intended, and he flinches slightly. I quickly squeeze his hand in apology. "Kenshin, you can't think that way! What happened today, yes it was terrifying but no matter how angry he was, I don't think he would have really hurt Akari-san. He's still *you*, and that's not the kind of person you are. You don't…fight people without good reason." I wince at how bad that sounds, but my poor choice of words doesn't seem to bother him; he doesn't even blink. I plunge ahead. "And it's not really his fault anyway. You said he's only out of balance because you're not with him, that things would be different if you were whole. You shouldn't judge him for something he can't help."

There is a long silence, and I wonder if I've said too much. After all, what do I really understand about Kenshin's mind? I can't relate to what he's been going through; I just have one mind to call my own. I'm *me* no matter what happens…I didn't go through what Kenshin did, didn't suffer like he did. Even with the opportunity to talk to the different segments of his mind, I still don't understand him. All I have to go by is what my heart tells me: that Battousai is not a bad person.

"I heard a story once," he says softly, interrupting my thoughts. "I don't remember where, or who told it to me, but it is about two wolves."

I blink, taken aback. "Wolves?"

He nods without looking at me. "Yes. Inside every person there is a terrible fight between two wolves. One is good: he is joy and peace, compassion and empathy, serenity and faith."

Already, I am captured by his words. Kenshin rarely tells stories, but when he does…I could listen to him forever. "What about the other wolf?" I ask hesitantly. I think I know where he's going with this, and it gives me a terrible feeling.

"The other wolf…is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, greed, arrogance, ego, self-pity, guilt. In the end, the wolf that wins…is the one you feed."

I wait tensely, hardly daring to breathe. "Kenshin?" I ask uncertainly, tightening my hold on his hand.

His expression is thoughtful. "Battousai exists for many reasons. He didn't appear suddenly; it was slow at first, just hints really, little changes in my behavior that everyone around me noticed, even if they were too afraid of me to say anything at the time. It worried me, this shift inside me, but I felt powerless to stop it."

Kenshin…powerless? Looking at his profile in the dim starlight, I wonder how I could have been so ignorant as to believe that he had never felt that way before in his life, that he had always known how to handle everything…I mentally smack myself for that thought. Kenshin is far from perfect, and really he hasn't handled this situation well at all. It is far beyond the crisis he's faced before…

He is still speaking. "With each new mission, each murder, I could feel him growing stronger. I could have stopped him, I could have quit killing for Katsura-san, left the Ishinshishi…but I didn't. I needed to finish what I had begun, and so I stayed. My own insecurities and stubborn convictions allowed him to fester inside my heart, until there was almost nothing left of the person I was before." His hand is shaking now in my grasp. Poor Rurouni. He's so gentle, so anxious, so vulnerable. He can't bear this kind of strain…

"He frightens me." I almost don't catch his tense whisper. "He is everything I'm not, and if he wanted to he could overpower me. I mean nothing to him, Kaoru…he left on his own because he knew I'd slow him down, that I wouldn't let him kill his enemy. I would only get in the way, so he left me behind. As much as I believe in Sano, he can't stop the hitokiri. All I can do now is trust that Battousai will stop himself…but I can't do that. I just *can't*."

"You…called him Battousai," I say stupidly, at loss of what else to say. His fears are my fears, and I wonder what the hitokiri is doing right now. Where is he, what is he thinking? What is he feeling alone in the dark? Kenshin doesn't reply, and I don't pursue it. It seems foolish to argue the point; Kenshin is so visibly upset by what his other self has done. Maybe, in this case, the name is appropriate.

I put my arms around him and he settles back against me with a weary, but grateful sigh. It is completely dark inside the room now, the lamps having burned out long ago, and the moonlight does not reach inside. I curl around him, keeping him safe and warm in the shadows. "It's all right," I whisper to him. He turns to face me; hiding his face in the space below my neck, he clutches my kimono like a lifeline. I run my hands slowly through his thick hair, trying in some small way soothe his fears. "They *will* come back Kenshin," I whisper to him. "Maybe he is what you said…maybe he's the darker wolf. But he isn't evil. I simply can't think that of him, because I can't think that of you." I kiss the top of his head, smoothing his unruly hair back as if he were a child himself. "He is a part of you. He came from you. He will make the right choice."

"What if he doesn't? You saw what happened this afternoon."

I sigh against his hair. His stubbornness can be so frustrating. "Well you'll just have to give him a good talking to when he comes back then, won't you?"

"I…" He hesitates, and I can almost hear what he is thinking: *I can't control the hitokiri.*

"Kenshin, you have to do this." I feel my confidence return as I realize what the rurouni must do. "You said that you allowed him to exist, that even though you knew what was happening to you, you let him become stronger. The way I see it, that makes you responsible for him. You know him better than anyone else, and you simply can't let this conflict keep tearing you apart inside. If there is going to be peace between you, you're the one who needs to make the first move. I think you know I'm right. You need to connect with him, Kenshin. You need to show him that you care about him and that you're there for him. It's the only way."

We sit in silence for a long time after that, our mingled breathing the only sound in the room. I can tell that he is thinking carefully about what I've said, and I wait patiently for him to answer, knowing that he will eventually. He always does, after all.

"All right." He sits up in my arms and looks me full in the face. I see that his despair is gone; there is now only conviction in his sharp gaze. It's such a relief to see that familiar spark of determination. For a while, I was afraid I'd never see it from him ever again. "I will wait in our room for him to return. I think…that I should probably do this alone."

I nod in agreement. "I will stay nearby if you like."

He considers that, then shakes his head. "No, you go ahead and rest. As you said, it will be all right." He smiles at me, a true smile, and I lean forward to kiss him, my fear temporarily forgotten in the safety of his arms.

"Kaoru…thank you." He whispers to me when we finally pull apart, his voice thick with emotion.

"Hai." I gather Shinta in my arms and we walk together to our room. At the door I turn to him, wondering if he is really ready for this. I know that it can't be easy for him. "I am always with you," I remind him softly.

His eyes glow lavender in the dark, filled with love, resolve, and most of all, hope. "And I with you, koishii."

I understand then, as I walk away to join Akari-san and Megumi-san, that everything really will be all right.