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Unrequited Tales: Endless


by ChiisaiLammy ::: 02.Sep.2003


I am so tired from wandering that all these year seem to blur together. And still I am left with this memory of you. I am left two memories: a memory of bloodshed and a memory your happiness. My mind still cannot believe that we had somehow managed to find peace in each other.

I am so tired of wandering. I am so tired of seeking answers, redemption and truth. I am a patient man; I vowed that I would seek an answer worthy of your memory. I swore that I would give up and never take a life again. I am a desperate man. And I tried, you see, I tried so hard to find solace. I tried so hard to find a way that would lead me a little closer to you.

This is why, my love, the roads before me are endless. The horizon is vast. I am chasing your ghost. I am seeking your forgiveness. I am looking for a promise of rest, a respite from the demons of my past. I want nothing more than to collapse in the safety of your arms.

I seek only your arms.

Did I try to forget you love? You might as well ask me to stop breathing. When memory fades like the waning of the moon, my mind does what it must to retain its sanity. I have forgotten your warmth and your breath next to mine. But how could I forget your strength, your courage, and the resilience of your conviction. Everything you are haunts me like the scent of your perfume the morning that you left me. And sometimes, I would try to forget your blood on my hands. Sometimes, I could almost convince myself that youíll be lying beside me when I open my eyes. There is nothing like ghostly sweetness of white plums, as it tortures and sustains me in a single breath.

Tell me love, when did my heart become so thin, so fragile that upon the darkest storms of my guilt I allowed it to waver. Tell me, when did my heart cease to guide my life. When did I allow my spirit to become so weak that it would threaten to tear apart very time I picked up my sword.

But you anchored it. You, the stray cat that had crossed my path. You, who was everything that I thought I would want in a woman, but walked in at exactly the wrong time. You who became everything that I would need. You came to me, baptized in the blood of my sins, so that you could pull me out of the nightmare of my own mind. It was you, the woman who had stood before me, shielding my paper heart from the monsoon of raining blood. You shielded me from the violence of my own self-destruction.

You alone found the fuel to light my path. You led me to sanity, to goodness, to the bittersweet ache of first love.

I learned for the first time through your quiet devotion what salvation meant. And it had nothing to do with priests, or gods. It was sacrifice, it was selflessness. It was the faith in finding a handful of happiness in our lifetime. And I am wandering not only because I need to find redemption for my sins as a killer. No, love, what I seek is the light that you have lit for me. I seek the spark of hope your love ignited for me. I hold onto the belief that I will someday end my wanderings and rest my exhausted head on a lighted porch that you have left out for me. I continue, haunted by the distance of your illumination. I will find a way home, love. There must be a sense of peace waiting for me, I know, because Iíve felt it, resting in your arms.

If I should find peace, if this unworthy one should find a home along this road, I swear will not forget the lessons that I have learned.

You were everything I needed to heal my wounded spirit. I would need nothing but the memory your humanity and your compassion. That, is all that I will need on my journeys.

That, love, is what I cannot forget.

So forgive me, love, one last time. Tomoe, forgive me for leaving you for the road.

Many thanks to Misha for beta-ing this story.
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