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Descent into Madness: Chapter 12

by Conspirator ::: 28.May.2003

Leave no witnesses—that was the cardinal rule for a hitokiri. It was a matter of self-preservation, really. A witness could identify you, tell others what you looked like, and that could lead to your own death. And yet Kenshin had broken that rule just twelve hours ago. He hadn’t had any choice, he told himself. What was one of his earliest memories, after all? The slaughter of the three girls in the slavers’ band who had tried to protect him from being killed when he was six. Was he now going to be the one to kill a defenseless woman? Never!

At least that’s what he kept telling himself, but now he was beginning to wonder if he did the right thing. When he brought Tomoe back to the inn, he figured he’d just talk to her in the morning, tell her to forget everything she had seen, and send her on her way. Instead, every attempt he had made this morning to have that talk had turned him into a blubbering idiot, and now she was off at the marketplace doing grocery shopping for Okami! What if she told people what had happened last night? What if she told them what he looked like or where he lived? He was beginning to think his rash decision had placed not only himself in danger, but the entire inn as well. He needed to have a serious talk with Tomoe no matter what, and he decided the only way that would happen would be to have Okami order her to do so.

Okami, unfortunately, was engaged in her most unfavorite activity—the weekly storeroom inventory. Even the bravest warrior knew never to interrupt her during this dreaded task if they valued their lives, but Kenshin was desperate. How was it, Kenshin wondered as he summoned up his courage, that a mere woman could make strong men quake in their boots? Oh, well, nothing lost, nothing gained….

"Okami-san," he said tentatively as he watched her counting up sacks of rice, "I need a favor…."

"What do you want? Can’t it wait? Can’t you see I’m busy? No manners! No morals! … Oh, Himura-chan, I didn’t realize it was you! What can I do for you?"

Well, that wasn’t so bad…

"It’s about that woman I brought back to the inn last night," Kenshin began.

"Ah, yes, a good worker, that one!" Okami said as she went back to counting her sacks of rice. "And educated, too—she knows how to read and write!"

That was news.

"I need to talk to her about, um, what she saw last night, and, well, um, she’s managed to get away every time I try. It’s really important…."

Okami chuckled at Kenshin’s apparent discomfort at talking about this subject. "And you want me to arrange a little private time for the two of you, is that it?"

"No, no, nothing like that!" an embarrassed Kenshin said quickly. "But maybe you could tell her I need to meet with her after lunch?"

"Aaaah." Okami looked at Kenshin with bemused eyes. Yes, a little private time with this new girl would do Kenshin a world of good, she decided. "She eats her lunch after you men are done," she said with a sly grin. "Why don’t I tell her to take her lunch up to your room. She can eat there while you talk, hmmm?"

Kenshin smiled with great relief. "Thank you so much, Okami-san!" he said with the most enthusiasm she had heard from him in ages.

Now he only had to wait a few hours until lunch was over. Kenshin couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so befuddled, so out of control of a situation. What was it about women that made it impossible for him to even put together a coherent sentence! When Hiko talked about women, he never mentioned anything like this! Then again, the man was so arrogant he probably wouldn’t have admitted it even if he did have problems. A vision of a stuttering and tongue-tied Hiko came to mind, bringing a well-needed chuckle to his lips.

He decided perhaps he had better head out to his secluded meadow for a good practice session. It had been several days since he had been able to go, and although practicing his kata had long ago ceased to provide the sense of peace and contentment it used to do, it still helped him clear his mind and center himself for whatever lay ahead. And right now what lay ahead of him, as far as he was concerned, was something far more unnerving than any swordsman he had ever encountered—a one-on-one talk with Tomoe!

He made sure to return to the inn well before lunch. This time he wanted to be among the first to enter the dining room so he could glare menacingly at anyone who dared to even think of making a crack about his so-called love life. It didn’t put off Kishi, though. It was she, rather than Yuka or Tomoe, who was serving his part of the room, and when she gave him his food, she started tittering. He felt like strangling her—metaphorically speaking, of course!

When lunch was over, he headed to the kitchen. After his practice, he had realized that what he needed to do was prepare a speech in advance so that he wouldn’t get tongue-tied when the time came. Now he was totally ready to say what needed to be said. Okami must have already talked to Tomoe because she was waiting for him, a tray of lunch bowls in hand. He bowed to her and said, "Please follow me."

As he led her to the stairs, he felt that flare of something coming from her, just as he had earlier in the day. This time, however, it definitely felt more like fear than hate. Would that mean, then, that hate had been a component of what he felt coming from her before? He was definitely confused.

As he opened the shoji to his room, he was surprised to find a neat pile of women’s clothing and other belongings in the corner. Apparently, she had been doing more than just grocery shopping this morning—she was moving in! He tried to ignore this and instead went to pull out a tatami mat for her to sit on. She looked at him warily as she sat down, but she seemed to relax somewhat when she saw that he intended to sit next to the window, not next to her. An uneasy silence enveloped the room, broken only by the occasional click of Tomoe’s hashi.

Finally, Kenshin gathered up his courage, and after quickly running through his prepared speech in his mind, he said, "Tomoe-san, I need to talk to you about what you saw last night…."

"Yes, I know what I saw…," Tomoe broke in, but Kenshin had learned his lesson—he ignored her interruption and kept on going with his prepared speech.

"What you saw last night no one else has ever lived to see. I mean, um, that no one is supposed to know about me or what I do, so that’s why… um… uh… That’s why I want you to promise to forget everything you saw last night and leave!"

Oh joy! Oh relief! He finally managed to put together some coherent sentences! He finally managed to tell her what he needed to tell her!

"Am I such a burden? Okami-san seems to like me."

That was not the response he was expecting. She was supposed to say ‘Fine, goodbye!’ This was not part of his plan, and he could feel his tongue tying itself into a thousand knots.

"Um… well, then… your family will be worried about you!" he finally managed to blurt out.

"If I had a family to go back to," she responded, "I wouldn’t be out drinking alone at night."

What?! ‘This is not going well,’ he thought. Then aloud he said, "I don’t know what your situation is, but we’re certainly in no state to look after you here!"

‘There, that should do it,’ he thought triumphantly, but once again he was wrong. A very strange look came over her face, and he found her staring straight into his eyes.

"Will you finish me off, then?" she asked, her eyes flashing with anger. "Will you finish me off like you finished off that samurai in black?"

Kenshin was taken aback at her sudden outburst. He didn’t know what to say.

"You can think whatever you want," he finally responded, "but I’m doing this only to bring a new age where everyone can live in peace. I don’t kill indiscriminately—only armed members of the Bakufu who oppose us. Naturally, civilians might oppose us as well, but I would never strike an unarmed man…."

"So, bad people carry swords and good people don’t, is that it?" she cut in, her voice rising in quiet anger. "If I had been carrying a sword last night, then you would have…."

"Hey! That’s not...," Kenshin sputtered.

"When you have an answer for me, please let me know!" she finished. Then she picked up her tray and left the room.

"Wait a minute!" Kenshin shouted after her. "You’re just going to walk out?"

He watched the shoji close behind her, his mouth hanging open and his mind racing a mile a minute. What a thing to say! But wait a minute—would he have killed her if she had had a sword? And that other question she asked, about people carrying swords…. Well, of course there were good people who carried swords and bad people who didn’t—what was she saying! He sat staring at the shoji for a long time as his mind tried to sort through their conversation. He felt like he was going crazy, but maybe some things were starting to make a kind of sense. Who would have thought that just the decision to carry a fainting woman home would lead to such confusion!

He didn’t know how long he sat like that, but finally he managed to shake the confusion out of his mind. What he needed to do now was relax after the stress of talking to this woman, and as he had nothing he had to do this afternoon, he decided he’d go down to the river and fish. But even this turned out to be stressful, for on his way out he heard Iizuka call out, "Hey, Battousai!"

Kenshin turned and glared at him. There was that hated name again!

"Oh, sorry—I mean Himura," Iizuka smirked as he hastily corrected himself. "Listen, you find out anything about that woman you brought back here?"

"No, nothing," Kenshin answered warily. "Why?"

"Well, I just thought, since you’ve talked to her and she’s sharing your room and all…."

"That’s not my idea!" Kenshin answered quickly. "It’s just until Okami can find her some place of her own!"

Iizuka smirked again but stifled his laugh. "Yeah, whatever you say," he smiled, "but still…."

"All I know is what Okami’s told me, that she knows how to read and write, and she has experience working at an inn. And apparently Okami’s planning to keep her on because when I went to my room just now, I found her things there already!"

Iizuka could tell from his face that he was not at all happy about this turn of events.

"You know," Iizuka said smoothly, "there are at least half a dozen men here who would gladly change places with you…." but he was cut off by an abrupt and swift move of Kenshin’s hand to the hilt of his sword. "Okay, okay," Iizuka smiled, holding up his hands in mock fear. "We’ll check her out, but if you find out anything, let us know, okay?"

Kenshin nodded and then left. It was a beautifully pleasant spring day, with flowering bulbs parading themselves all along the riverbank. It was a joy just to be out on such a glorious day, but his mind couldn’t quite calm itself enough to enjoy it thoroughly. This woman had truly turned his world inside-out! At breakfast, he had worried she wouldn’t be able to handle the men leering at her, but she had taken care of that problem just fine. And she spoke so softly, but it turned out she had a kind of quiet ferocity when she threw those questions at him after lunch.

Those questions… Would he have killed her if she had had a sword? He didn’t know. He had been so conditioned by this point to attack first, ask questions later. If someone had a sword, the instinct was immediate—attack or defend, but never to stand down. Oh, hell, what was he worrying about anyway? When had he ever seen a woman with a weapon? A moot question, ne? But women did carry tantos, didn’t they? What then? His mind was so preoccupied with all this that he almost missed the strong tug on his fishing pole and almost lost a good-sized catch. He forced the whole matter to the back of his mind so he wouldn’t miss any more.

It was late afternoon by the time Kenshin returned to inn with several fish. Okami was appreciative, as he had expected, but she seemed unusually tense and had been anxiously awaiting his arrival. She quickly motioned for him to join her in the room off the kitchen.

"I’m so glad you’re back," she said in hushed tones. She pointed to a small bundle on her desk. "This is Tomoe’s kimono and obi. They’re clean and dry now, but before I return them to her, I thought you should see what I found in her obi."

He opened the bundle. In it were the kimono and obi, of course, but also a small black book and a tanto. That thought he had earlier about women carrying weapons didn’t seem so moot anymore. He looked at Okami with questioning eyes.

"Well, I don’t know what to make of it either," Okami said, responding to his look. "I’ll give her her kimono and things, but I’m not sure what to do about that tanto."

"You mean maybe she shouldn’t have it back?" Kenshin asked.

"I don’t know," Okami said. "I mean, I can understand why a woman alone might carry one around, but on the other hand…."

Kenshin took the tanto and slipped it into his sleeve pocket. "I’ll take care of it," he said, although he had no idea what he’d do about it.

He was about to leave the kitchen and go up to his room to ponder this new problem when he noticed Tomoe out in the courtyard hauling up a bucket of water from the well. He had always tried to take care of this backbreaking chore whenever possible, so he went out to help her. He put out a hand to help her pull the rope as he said, "Here, let me take care of that."

His presence clearly startled Tomoe, who almost lost her grip. She tried to shrink away from him, but she found she couldn’t without losing the bucket. Kenshin smiled shyly, then said, "I don’t mind taking care of this, really."

He hauled up a second bucket, then picked up both buckets and started carrying them to the kitchen. She was clearly surprised by this offer of help, but she managed a soft "Arigatou." As they walked back into the kitchen together, Okami gave the two of them a bemused look. ‘This little houseguest he brought back last night might be the best thing that’s ever happened to our Himura-chan,’ she smiled to herself.

With three girls now working in the kitchen, it looked like there wasn’t much for Kenshin to do, so he left to go to his room and await dinner. He was slightly disappointed, actually, because he was somewhat hungry, and he had sort of counted on grabbing a little snack while he helped prepare the meal. Oh, well, this would give him time to figure out what to do about Tomoe’s tanto, not to mention what to do about sleeping arrangements!

Dinner passed mostly without incident, thanks to Kenshin’s constant glares at any and all comers. He was thankful for this, for it gave him more time to think. Okami had seemed reluctant to give the tanto back to Tomoe, but Kenshin was inclined not to agree. Tomoe seemed to be quite different in temperament from Yuka and Kishi where men were concerned—at least she hadn’t tried to flirt with anyone yet—and perhaps she would want her tanto in case some of the men at the inn didn’t quite realize that. He decided he would return it to her.

So, after dinner, he went out to the courtyard to wait until she was finished with her chores. As soon as she emerged from the kitchen, he hurried over to her and said quietly, "Could I talk to you for a moment, please?"

"Hey, nice woman you got there!" a voice called out from the other side of the courtyard.

"Ah, give the kid a break," another voice answered back.

Kenshin’s head spun around to see who had bothered to stand up for him. It was Yoshida’s friend Matsuo, who was leaning against a post, calmly whittling.

"Himura," Matsuo nodded as he acknowledged Kenshin’s glance. He went back to his whittling. A surprised Kenshin nodded back.

He led Tomoe to the neutral territory of the kitchen and sat down. She sat across from him. Before he brought up the matter of the tanto, he decided he’d better talk to her first about sleeping arrangements. He was very uncomfortable with the whole notion of her sharing his room, and he suspected she might be, too.

"I know we’re supposed to be sharing my room and all," he began with a gulp. She looked at him with trepidation. "I don’t know about you, but I really don’t feel right about this, so, um, I’ll just sleep outside the door so you can have some privacy."

"I couldn’t ask you to do that!" she said in surprise.

"No, it’s okay," Kenshin said hastily. "Really—I don’t mind."

She lowered her eyes and whispered, "Arigatou."

Then Kenshin held out the tanto, watching her face to see what her reaction would be. Her eyes widened, and she clenched her hands ever so slightly.

"Okami asked me to return this to you," he continued as he placed it on the floor between them. "She found it in your obi. Kyoto is a dangerous place, you know, and this would be useless to you in a place as wicked as this."

He looked up and saw that she was staring, mesmerized, at the tanto.

"You really should find another place to live where you wouldn’t need something like this," he finished.

Now she looked at him, that strange ferocity returning to her eyes. "To a place where there are no assassins, you mean?" she asked quietly.

Now it was Kenshin’s eyes that went wide. She had him there, had it in one. He—or, at least, people like him—was the reason Kyoto was such a dangerous place. He felt a wave of shame engulfing him. Then she startled him.

"Has your wound stopped bleeding?" she asked out of the blue. Her eyes went to his cheek when she saw he didn’t understand what she was talking about. "I hope so."

He put his hand to the gash and found, surprisingly, that it had stopped dripping blood. "Yes, I think so," he answered softly. "Thank you for asking."

The tanto still sat on the floor between the two of them, neither moving to take it. Finally, he pushed it closer to her until she slowly picked it up, holding it flat in her two hands as if it were a precious object.

"Thank you for returning this," she finally said softly. "It was a coming-of-age gift from my father, that’s all." Then she stood up to leave.

"So, you’ll take my advice?" Kenshin asked hopefully.

"No," she replied. "I have no home to go to anymore. Okami-san has been kind enough to offer me work here, so I will stay." And with that, she left the kitchen.

Kenshin kicked himself for offering to sleep outside the door to his room. ‘Whatever possessed me to say that!’ he thought as he stared after her. ‘I’ll never get any sleep tonight!’ But when the time came, he did exactly that. He had promised, and he was not about to break his word. After he was sure that she was asleep, he found a relatively comfortable spot next to the door and sat, sword propped on his shoulder. Eventually, he drifted off. Not long after, some of the men came up the stairs, talking away. Kenshin awoke with a start, although nothing compared to the start the men got from seeing the Hitokiri Battousai guarding a door in their path. They shut up instantaneously. He drifted back to sleep once again, only to be awakened awhile later by some more men stumbling up the stairs and almost landing on top of him. Finally, sometime after midnight, things quieted down for awhile until one last drunken soldier returned around 2 a.m., cursing as he wove his way down the hall. He was awakened a last time at dawn when Okami came to wake Tomoe for work. She was surprised to see him sleeping in the hall.

"Himura-chan?" she whispered in his ear. "Himura-chan?" His eyes flew open as his hand flew to his sword.

"No, no!" she continued whispering as she reached out to restrain his arm. "It’s only me. What are you doing sleeping out here?"

"Oh—Okami-san!" he whispered back. "I’m sorry, you startled me! It’s just, um, well, I didn’t feel right sharing a room with, um, a woman, so, um, I told her I’d sleep in the hall! I’ll just go now and chop the wood and get the water for you."

He started to stand, but she pushed him back down. "Oh, no you don’t," she whispered back. "You go right in there and go back to sleep. I can tell you barely got any rest at all last night!"

"But, Okami-san," he said desperately as he looked at the shoji, "she’s still in there sleeping! And she’s probably not even dressed or anything!"

"Oh," Okami relented. "Well, then, go ahead and take care of the wood and the water, but only that! Then you will come straight back up here and go to sleep, you understand?"

The sound of a command was loud and clear even though she was whispering, so Kenshin meekly said, "Hai." He headed down the stairs, absently running his hand through his hair before tying it up again so he wouldn’t look totally disheveled.

It didn’t take long to chop the wood and bring in several buckets of water, and he now felt fairly awake and alert, but Okami shooed him out of the kitchen anyway and marched him back to the stairs. So, he returned to his room. The futon was neatly folded in the corner near Tomoe’s belongings, the only reminder of her presence. He went to unfold the futon, but as he did, he could smell her scent, the smell of white plums. Somehow it didn’t seem right to sleep on what he now considered to be her futon, so he left it and went to a different corner of the room to make himself comfortable. To his surprise, he soon found himself feeling quite sleepy, and he nodded off quickly.

His sleep, however, was not peaceful. Usually, his nightmares confined themselves to the nights right after an assignment, easing up after there were some days free from killing. And rarely would they intrude when he’d take a nap during the day. This morning, however, was different. He started dreaming of swords on chains hurtling through the darkness at him, of being strangled, and he somehow knew even while dreaming that he was screaming out loud.

Then he found himself in a dream that had come to him more than once over the last few weeks, a dream in which he kept seeing himself grind his sword into the neck of the man who was supposed to get married. In this dream, he kept trying to hold his sword back, but some unknown force always drove his sword into the man’s neck anyway, leaving Kenshin crying out in grief. To make his torment worse, he now started dreaming of the woman he had brought back to the inn, Tomoe, and in this dream he did not bring her back—that unknown force drove his sword into her as well. He screamed out a loud "Noooo!" Suddenly, he awoke to find Tomoe standing near him, almost frozen in fear.

"Himura-san?" she said in a frightened voice. "Are you all right?"

Now he was shaking. He didn’t answer—it was almost as if he didn’t know where he was.

"You were having a nightmare," she said. "I must have startled you—I didn’t mean to wake you up…."

"Tomoe-san," he whispered huskily, shaking his head as he tried to clear the cobwebs from his brain. "I… um… it was nothing, just a bad dream…."

"I just needed to get something—I’ll be gone in a second," she said, moving hesitantly over to her things.

He watched her as she went to retrieve her little black book. She was so graceful, he noted through his mind’s haziness.

"You’re sure you’re all right?" she asked again as she walked back toward the shoji.

"Yes, fine," he answered. He watched her leave, wondering why she cared. It seemed like every time he thought he had this crazy world figured out, people would do something to remind him that he didn’t have a clue as to how the world worked at all.

He had nothing he had to do for the rest of the day, and he had promised Okami that when he had some free time he would replace some broken shingles on the roof, so he went downstairs to the storage shed to get what he needed for the job. It seemed so odd to have to use a ladder to get up to the roof when normally he could have just bounded up there, but with a sack full of replacement shingles, a bag of nails, and a hammer, he could never have made it. Finally, however, he was up on the roof. He had worked for well over half an hour when he got the distinct feeling that he was being watched. He stopped and looked out onto the street below—nothing. He searched the windows and roofs of the buildings across the way—nothing. A ninja perhaps? They were experts at disguising their ki, but even the most expert ninja would have been hard-pressed to avoid his scrutiny.

By chance, he glanced down into the courtyard, and then he saw it—a pair of eyes watching him from the dining room window. It was Tomoe, who appeared to be in the midst of arranging some flowers. She turned her eyes away when she saw that he had noticed her. Maybe Matsuo was right that women didn’t have a ki, but right now, if he concentrated hard enough, he could sense a kind of curiosity coming from her that didn’t seem all that random—more like there was a purpose to it—but once again, he couldn’t be sure. It was definitely unnerving. So, when he was finished he went to find Okami, ostensibly to tell her the chore was done but really to see if she had learned anything new about this woman.

"Anything new?" she asked quizzically. "Really, she’s very quiet, doesn’t say much about anything."

"Well, it’s just… um… well, just now, when I was on the roof, I caught her staring at me, and I got the feeling she wanted to know something about me," he said.

"Oh, well, it’s not every day you see a man on the roof!" Okami laughed.

‘In my line of work you do,’ Kenshin thought ruefully. Out loud, though, he said, "It’s just that I can’t figure out what it is she wants. It’s a total mystery to me."

"But that’s the way it is with us women," she said with a curious grin. "We remain a mystery, and men become intrigued."

"Yes, well, um, I really wouldn’t know about that," Kenshin stuttered, blushing slightly, "but this seems to be something different, like maybe she’s hiding something."

"Oh, well, I wouldn’t let that bother you," Okami said with a smile. "After all, we all have our little secrets, don’t we?"

Kenshin nodded. Perhaps she was right.