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In Search of Family: Chapter 3

by Conspirator

The day dawned cold and blustery, an unwelcome reminder that winter was not far away. Oibore put on as many layers of clothing as he could and set out for the monastery. Now that he knew where he was going, the trip didn’t seem to take long, or maybe it was just that the cold weather made him walk that much faster.

At any rate, in less than an hour he arrived at the gates of the small monastery that Katsura had indicated on the map. It was a lovely place, with a simple but elegant gate and a beautiful view of the mountains. Oibore approached the doors, then hesitated. He had been single-minded in his drive to find this place, but he had neglected to think about what he would say once he arrived. Only once before in his life, when he proposed to his wife many years ago, had he felt so tongue-tied. Finally, he gathered up his courage and knocked on the door. An elderly monk, about the same age as Oibore, opened the door.

"Welcome, traveler," said the monk, bowing deeply. "My name is Toshiro. If you seek peace and solace, we bid you welcome and will offer our hospitality."

Oibore had never been one to think too deeply about religion, but he could not deny that there was an aura of peacefulness about the monk that made him feel somewhat less nervous about his quest. He bowed in response, handed the monk his letter of introduction from Katsura, and followed his host into the building. The monk showed Oibore to a small room with a warm fire and an altar, then said, "Our home is your home. If there is anything you wish while you are here, you only need to ask." Then he joined Oibore by the altar and proceeded to meditate.

After a short but respectful time, Oibore indicated to Toshiro that he wished to ask something. After a nod from the monk, Oibore gathered up his courage to tell him the purpose of his visit.

"Toshiro-san, my name is Yukishiro Takuo. I am told that my daughter is buried at this monastery. It would be such a comfort to my heart if I could visit her grave. Her name was Yukishiro Tomoe."

Oibore saw a flicker of surprise in the monk’s eyes. "Yes, of course," Toshiro said after a moment’s hesitation. "Please follow me."

He led Oibore through the monastery to a door that opened onto a cemetery. He stopped by a small stone and said, "I believe this is the grave you seek, the grave of Himura Tomoe. Am I correct?"

Oibore nodded, tears coming to his eyes.

"Her husband came here nearly every day for the past three years," Toshiro said quietly. "He has never truly recovered from her death." With that, he left Oibore alone with his thoughts.

On his walk to the monastery, Oibore had found a few wild pansies and snapdragons still in bloom, which he had carefully stored in his sleeve pocket. Now he took them out and laid them on the simple grave. Then he knelt down and placed his hand on the stone. As he did, he could see in his mind’s eye a vision of his daughter. He could almost hear her quiet laugh, could almost see her walking through their garden, could almost feel her giving him a kiss. And he could almost hear in his heart her voice saying, "Father, I almost lost my soul to hatred, but instead I found happiness and love. Be happy for me."

Those words startled Oibore out of his reverie. ‘Where did that thought come from?’ he wondered. He looked back at the stone and placed his hands on it again. "He took my happiness from me, but he gave me a greater happiness in return," he heard her voice say.

Now Oibore was really startled. Clearly, his daughter was talking to him—either that or he was going mad, and he was fairly sure that despite his grief, he was quite sane. "If you find him, look after him, for he gave me true happiness," her voice spoke again.

Now his tears fell upon the grave in torrents. "I’ve missed you so much," he sobbed. "My life has been so empty since you left home. To be with you at last has given me some peace. I will find your love, if only to thank him for giving you your happiness."

He sat there for a long while before the cold finally convinced him to return to the monastery. Just inside the doorway he found Toshiro, who seemed to have been watching the whole time. Katsura’s letter lay open in his hand.

"A father’s tears break the hearts of even the gods," Toshiro said as he gently led the grief-stricken man to a small side room. He quietly brought in a tray of hot tea and rice cakes and placed it in front of Oibore. Then he placed a small black book on the tray. "Himura Kenshin entrusted this to me for safe-keeping," he continued. "I know he would have wanted you to read it." He took Oibore’s hand, patted it gently, then silently left the room.

Oibore stared for a long time at the book. He knew it must be Tomoe’s diary, but he was almost afraid to open it, afraid of what he might find revealed in its pages. Finally, he gathered up his courage and started reading.

"I have reached Kyoto," the first page began. "It’s much bigger than Edo and scary for a woman who’s traveling alone. But I’ve found an inn that will let me work as a waitress in return for a place to stay. It was a bit of a problem, though. It seems that my favorite scent, white plum, which is quite popular at home, is used only by geishas and worse here in Kyoto. I had to convince the innkeeper that I was not that kind of woman!"

Oibore smiled briefly at the mental picture of Tomoe as a geisha. Not likely, he chuckled! He turned the page.

"The innkeeper, Keiko-san, certainly is keeping me busy. I don’t know when I will have the time to start searching for the monster. I don’t even know what he looks like! The restaurant is obviously very popular because there never seems to be an empty seat in the house. Even soldiers from the nearby barracks are frequent customers—at least, they seem to know all the waitresses by name. I’m not used to this kind of familiarity, and I find it somewhat embarrassing. They think it’s funny that I blush so much."

Several entries later, he found this:

"I am finally making some progress. There is a captain that comes here frequently who is quite friendly to me. Today I asked to speak to him before he left. I told him that I meant to avenge the murder of my fiance at the hands of the Hitokiri Battousai and asked for help in finding him. I was a little annoyed that he found this funny. ‘There are about a hundred other people in line ahead of you,’ is how he put it. He thinks I’m not serious, but I am, and I told him so. He finally told me that no one knows where to find the hitokiri, and they’re not even sure what he looks like because no one survives an encounter with him. I know he thinks this is all very amusing, but he told me that if I ever did find the hitokiri, to remember that he is an extremely dangerous man and that instead of trying to kill him myself, I should come and find him, that he and his men would find a way to deal with him without getting killed themselves. His name is Captain Tatsumi."

Oibore sighed. He knew his daughter was a determined girl once she set her mind on something, but secretly he had always thought she left home because she couldn’t bear hearing all the catty remarks from her relatives. They never let Tomoe forget that her fiance, Kiyosato, had embarked on that crazy scheme to become a bodyguard because he wanted to impress her. He read several more entries.

"It’s been three weeks already," read one of them, "and I have made no progress. Why did I come here? I am so lonely. All I have are my memories of Kiyosato and my hatred of the hitokiri. I can’t go home, I have dishonored my family by coming here all by myself. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. I have no friends to speak of, and at night I have found the only thing that takes away the pain is a good bottle of sake. I sound like one of those soldiers, drinking to forget."

Dishonored the family? Oibore practically lost his composure reading that. He would have taken that so-called dishonor any day if it would have meant having his daughter back. ‘Oh, Tomoe, if only you hadn’t worried about such a stupid notion,’ he moaned silently.

The entries became shorter and shorter, and more and more infrequent, as her loneliness and despair deepened. Then he found what he was looking for.

"I have found him! I have found the monster! I was out drinking last night, and I admit I got a little sloshed. Some yakuzas or something even tried to come on to me at the bar, but a samurai managed to back them off. It was as I was walking home that I saw him. He was being attacked by a huge samurai with chains on his swords. I thought he would be killed, but instead he sliced the man in half! You know how in the plays they talk about a rain of blood? That’s what it was like, and I was soaked with it. I almost threw up at the sight, and I guess I must have passed out because the next thing I knew, I was waking up in his room! He wasn’t there, but I knew it was his room from the few items I saw in it. And I was wearing someone else’s clothes, and I wasn’t bloody anymore. I didn’t remember a thing, so of course I assumed that he had undressed me and washed me, and Kami-sama knows what else he might have done to me. I was mortified! I found the innkeeper—a nice lady named Okami-san—and started crying to her about what I thought happened to me. She thought that was funny! ‘When you meet Himura, you’ll see what I mean,’ she said. She said this Himura—that must be the Hitokiri Battousai’s name—carried me back to the inn last night and asked her to take care of me, which she did. She apologized for not giving me a room to myself, but she says all the rooms are taken. I wonder why he didn’t just kill me, like he kills everyone else. Or maybe he’s not the Hitokiri Battousai, but some other assassin. I told her I was new in town and looking for work, and she’s offered to let me help at the inn while this big contingent of visitors is staying."

She had a second entry for the same day.

"He is the Hitokiri Battousai—I heard one of the men calling him that. I thought the Hitokiri Battousai would be a huge, evil-looking man, but I was wrong. He’s just a boy! He’s not much taller than me, has a scar on his cheek, and has red hair, of all things! How did a mere boy do what I saw last night? Or was I so drunk that I was hallucinating? At any rate, as experienced as he may be with a sword, he obviously has no experience talking to women, or at least someone close to his age of the opposite sex! He thought I had disappeared this morning, so he came running to find me, and when I told him my name, he blushed about a hundred different shades of red. When I told him I would be working for Okami-san, he just stuttered like a flustered teenager! But when he saw some of the men leering at me (this inn is apparently the home of a lot of Ishin Shishi fighters), he warned them away from me with a voice like ice and the merest hint of going for his sword. Does that mean he thinks I’m his woman or something? I hope not! I must get a message to Captain Tatsumi!"

Oibore felt like someone who had read the end of a story before reading the beginning. Knowing already how this story would turn out, he found his heart breaking as he saw the first strands being spun of a tragic spider’s web, a web that would slowly entangle his daughter and this boy and lead them to a sad, inescapable conclusion.

"I told Okami-san today that I had to go collect my things from where I was staying before," the next entry read. "Really, I wanted to get to the other inn by the time I knew Captain Tatsumi usually arrived. Sure enough, I found him and told him my news. He says that was the Bakufu’s most experienced and deadly assassin that I saw the Battousai kill the other night, and they can’t figure out how he did it. They want me to get friendly with him to try to find his weaknesses. Then they can devise a plan that will kill him without killing themselves in the process. I told them he was just a boy, but they said he must be the boy from hell if he could do what he did!"

"If this is the boy from hell, then hell must be a strange place," read the following day’s entry. "He is painfully shy, not just with me, but even with the other men. At meals, he sits by himself, rarely says anything to anybody, then quietly leaves to go to his room. When they start bragging about all their exploits, he just gives them this incredibly sad look, then turns the other way. I thought he would be the biggest braggart of them all. And what does an assassin do with his spare time? I went to my room, which is really his room, to get something and found him there playing with a top! He actually managed to say a few things to me without getting tongue-tied. I found out he’s 15, not much older than Enishi. His eyes are the most beautiful shade of violet, but so sad, like the weight of the world rests in them. He seemed relieved that I wasn’t planning to spend time in the room. Since I've been here, he has yet to even sleep in the room when I’m there. Okami-san says he’s been sleeping in the hall just outside the door."

A few days later, Tomoe wrote, "Life has settled into a routine here. I help in the kitchen and serve at mealtimes, do some of the food shopping, and help Okami-san with flower arranging and mending. I was somewhat startled today, though, when I went to get water from the well. As I was hauling up the bucket, suddenly who should appear to help me but Himura!"

Oibore’s eyebrows shot up. ‘So it’s Himura now, instead of Battousai or monster,’ he noted.

"He simply said, ‘Let me help you with that," the entry continued. "Then he gave me a small smile and proceeded to carry the bucket into the kitchen! He was so polite—he always calls me Tomoe-san—that I found myself calling him Himura-san back. The other girls were quite astonished to see all this because he doesn’t do this for them. Okami-san says he used to help in the kitchen when he first came a year ago, but he hasn’t done that for several months.

"He left the kitchen so quickly that I had to run after him to thank him. That’s when I saw that oily-looking man, the one with the thin mustache, handing him a black envelope. When Himura took it, everything changed. First his eyes looked sadder than usual, then they turned this strange gold color, and suddenly he seemed positively cold. Without a word, he turned and just walked away. The man saw me standing there and told me he had just given Himura a ‘job’ for tonight. ‘You won’t see him again until tomorrow probably,’ he told me, and he was right."

Oibore could see Tomoe’s heart starting to soften towards her fiance’s killer, but still he hadn’t found just what made her change from a woman after vengeance to a woman in love. The next day’s entry changed that.

"Last night I decided to wait up for Himura to see what he was like after killing people. After the past few days, I’m having trouble reconciling my original impression of an assassin as a heartless monster with this extremely kind and polite boy. What I saw didn’t help. In the wee hours of the morning I heard someone rattling around in the kitchen, so I threw something over my yukata and went downstairs, only to find him washing his hands over and over and over again. He had this look of anguish on his face, as if he were repulsed by what he had done. When he saw me standing there, his eyes went wide; they were violet again, not that strange gold. I asked if he intended to keep on killing like this. He gave me the most sorrowful glance, then looked away. It almost broke my heart.

"I didn’t see him for the rest of the day, not even at mealtimes. Then, this evening, while I was doing some mending, who should come to see me but Katsura Kogoro himself—the leader of the Chousu Ishin Shishi. Everyone thinks I’m Himura’s woman, I guess, because he wanted me to understand just what Himura’s job is. He told me how the Tokugawa rule had driven men to madness, and that to build a new age they have to turn to another kind of madness, and that Himura is fulfilling the harshest role by giving out what he calls ‘extreme justice.’ Now I understand what’s going on. They need to kill in order to bring about their new age, but they won’t do it themselves. Instead they take a kind and sweet boy who happens to be talented with a sword and make him do it for them! Maybe I was wrong—maybe it’s not Himura who is the monster, maybe it’s really Katsura Kogoro."

"What’s happening to me?" Tomoe wrote the next day. "This morning, when I was walking to the well to get some water, he came and asked if he could help, and my heart started to flutter like a schoolgirl’s! I admit that I really missed seeing him and hearing his voice yesterday—in fact, I realize that I have secretly been looking forward to the small encounters we have at the inn. But this is the man who killed my fiance! And, yes, he is a man, not a boy; no mere boy could carry the burden this war has placed on his shoulders.

"After lunch, I found him napping by a window. He sleeps sitting up and clutching his sword. I tried to remind myself that I’m supposed to get revenge, that it would be so easy to take my tanto and kill him now, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I found myself thinking he’ll catch his death of cold from the cool breeze outside. So I took my shawl and tried to cover him with it. In less than a breath, he was awake and had his sword at my throat! I didn’t even have time to think! Then he dropped his sword and practically ran to the other side of the room. He kept muttering, ‘I almost killed you, I almost killed you!’ and ‘I’d never kill you, never!’ I apologized for startling him, that I just wanted to make sure he didn’t catch cold, but he said he wasn’t worth worrying about, he probably wouldn’t live much longer anyway. I was shocked to hear someone almost my age talk like that, like there is no future, but isn’t that the way I myself felt just a few months ago? That’s when I realized he and I are an awful lot alike—we’re both lost souls, both so lonely and hurt. We talked a bit after that, and that seemed to lighten his mood. It gave me the idea to suggest that I be a kind of sheath for him, something to protect him from his dangerous side. His first name is Kenshin."

The entries now described a growing friendship between Oibore’s daughter and Kenshin, how he started sleeping in a far corner of her room instead of outside her door, how she would wait up for him at night if he was ‘working.’ He told her why he had joined the Ishin Shishi and how it seemed that all the killings hadn’t brought the new era of peace any closer. Then came the final act of the story, the sudden departure from Kyoto.

"We have been forced to flee Kyoto," Tomoe wrote. "I don’t understand all the politics, but many members of the the Chousu clan were killed a few weeks ago by the Shinsengumi, and now the Chousu have lost a battle with the Bakufu. The inn has burned down, and we have nowhere to live. Katsura-sama says all of us must go into hiding. He suggested that Kenshin and I pretend to be husband and wife and go live in Otsu, where there is a safe house. He said there were spies among the Chousu, so it wasn’t safe to stay in Kyoto any longer. That sent a bolt of lightening through my stomach. That couldn’t be me he was talking about! I haven’t even thought of Captain Tatsumi in weeks, and I pray to all the gods that he has totally forgotten about me! Kenshin said we didn’t have to pretend, we could marry for real, but how could I do that when I’ve been hiding such a horrible secret?

"Still, here we are in Otsu, setting up our household. It’s been three days now. Kenshin was very tense and on alert our first two days here, but he is starting to relax a little. Perhaps we are truly safe. He has been so considerate of me in this flight, making sure I didn’t tire too much on the long walk here, helping me find and prepare food for our meals, making sure this little farmhouse is comfortable for us both. It’s as if we really were married, except that he still sleeps in the corner, and I’m on a futon by myself. I feel so at peace here, except for the pangs of guilt I have about my secret. But how can I tell him that when I met him, all I wanted was his death? That all I want now is to be with him and keep him safe?"

The diary now became a record of a happy young couple going about their lives as they grew a garden, sold medicine to the local people, and learned to live with one another.

"These past few weeks have been so wonderful," Tomoe wrote one day. "Kenshin seems to have a green thumb, because our garden is thriving. He says it’s because his family were farmers. He told me it made him feel so good to bring plants to life, instead of taking lives. His other great pleasure is playing with the local children. A few of them discovered us not long after we moved here, and they seemed to be instantly drawn to Kenshin. He, for his part, enjoys their company and has invented games to play with them. He would be a wonderful father. They say that children can sense things about grown-ups that grown-ups never see. I think they can tell that Kenshin is no killer, at least not in his heart."

Now Oibore was near the end of the diary. He dreaded reading what might come next, but didn’t expect what he found.

"Enishi came to visit today! I was so surprised, especially since no one is supposed to know where we are. He has certainly grown in the year since I left home! But my joy didn’t last long. Seems he was sent by Captain Tatsumi, who wants me to meet him tomorrow at a shrine in the forest. How did he know where we were? Is there still a Chousu spy? Because only one or two people know where to find us. Enishi couldn’t understand why I wasn’t overjoyed at the prospect of Kenshin’s death. I told him he should never have left Father alone in Edo, and that he should go back right away. He was well on his way to a tantrum when Kenshin walked in. Enishi nearly bit his head off, then stormed out of the house.

"At dinner last night, I decided I had to tell Kenshin something about who I was and why I came to Kyoto, though I didn’t tell him it was the Battousai who killed Kiyosato, and I couldn’t tell him that I had entered into a plot…. I don’t even want to think about that! He just held me close and let me cry. Then he told me how he left his shishou because he thought he could help end the conflict and bring an era of peace, but all the killing they made him do started destroying his soul. He said if he hadn’t met me he would have gone insane, that I saved him by showing him what happiness really was. Then he promised that when the war was over, he would find a way to protect people without having to kill, that this would help him atone for all the killing he’s done. Maybe our flight to Otsu has been the best thing that’s happened to either of us."

Then came the last page. Oibore forced himself to read it through his tears.

"The fates have played a strange trick on me. I was so happy when Kiyosato asked me to marry him—after all, we had known each other since childhood. But the happiness I have now with Kenshin—his killer—is even greater. What could I have offered Kiyosato? My ability to keep house? Bear children? Deep down I could never understand why he wanted to marry me except that we had known each other for so long. But Kenshin loves me for who I am, for making him happy, for healing his wounded soul. And I love him for his kindness, his thoughtfulness—he is my rock, my anchor. He is so noble when he doesn’t have to kill. I will never forgive Katsura-sama for what he has done to Kenshin. After I wrote in this diary last night, as we sat by the fire, I looked at my love and realized that I would do anything to protect him, just as he has promised to protect me. I decided that in the morning—this morning—I would find Captain Tatsumi and try to prevent him from killing Kenshin, even if it means giving up my own life. Then, the next thing I knew I was in his arms and, well, we are truly husband and wife now, in every way. My happiness is complete. He is sleeping so peacefully now. I can’t bear to leave him, but I must. I must save his life. Kenshin must not die here!"

Oibore slowly closed the book and pressed it to his chest. All his questions were answered. His daughter truly had found happiness with this young man, and she in turn had saved the young man’s soul. He decided then and there that whatever it took, he would do what he had heard his daughter ask of him-to find this young man and thank him for giving his daughter happiness.

As he left the small room, he noted with surprise that it was already late afternoon. He went to look for Toshiro and found him cooking.

"Ah, Yukishiro-san," said the smiling monk, "come join me for some miso soup."

The smell of cooking reminded Oibore that he was hungry, so he gratefully accepted the offer. After they had eaten a little, Toshiro turned to him and said, "Now you understand, ne?"

Oibore shook his head yes. "Toshiro-san," Oibore said, "I must find this young man, if only to thank him for giving my daughter happiness. When he left his diary with you, did he tell you where he was going?"

"No," Toshiro replied. Then, seeing how crestfallen Oibore looked, he quickly added, "I have heard from friends in the countryside that someone matching Himura-kun’s description has been in the area of Yasuo, a small village to the east. It seems a group of nuns were taking some orphans from Kyoto to the village when they were waylaid by some bandits. He came to their aid, then accompanied them for the rest of their journey to keep them safe. But that was several months ago. No one knows where he went after that."

It was time to go; nightfall was approaching, and Oibore still didn’t want to walk the streets after dark by himself. He thanked Toshiro profusely for all his kindnesses, then left to return to Rakuninmura.

When he arrived, his friends Hiro and Fat Boy came to greet him, hoping for another great handout of food and drink, but this time Oibore was empty-handed. Fat Boy was just about to complain when Hiro held him back.

"Let him be," Hiro said, seeing the sadness in Oibore’s face. "Can’t you tell he’s had a rough day?"

Oibore silently thanked him with his eyes, then went off to be alone with his thoughts.