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Disclaimer: Sessha owns nada. I just wrote it in three different languages, all at once. In such context, it’s probably meaningless. I own nothing. There.

Notes: Sorry for being so slow on putting these out. I’m almost finished with the next chapter of My Life, so look for that soon.

Okay… longer than usual chapter (not by much, granted).

Warnings: Definite shounen ai content, shading toward yaoi. Sadly, somewhat predictable.

Recommended: One section will make more sense if you have already read chapter 34.

Onward!

Moments in Time: Chapter 7 - Dreams and Illusions

A rush of hot wind. The hair blows outward like usual. A curling iron flips the hair out into some semblance of a decent hair style.

Then, out comes the foundation, powder, lipstick, mascara, and eye shadow. Ten minutes of brushing, dabbing, and stroking the cosmetics into place.

A trembling sigh swept through a thin body, making narrow shoulders shudder. The smooth, clean hand flipped back styled hair, and the face in the mirror smiled.

Pulling open the door, Kamatari stepped into the hall. He blinked at the startled yip and quickly stepped back to avoid falling over the boy in the room adjacent to his.

Blue eyes shading toward purple stared up at him, appearing just as astonished as he felt.

The boy was gorgeous, no doubt about it, and Kamatari had to force his mouth to close. The other boy was shorter, which was surprising. Kamatari usually resigned himself to being the smallest guy around, but this one was positively petite. The top of his head barely reached Kamatari’s nose! With long red hair—messy from a restless night—framing warm violet eyes, he was undoubtedly the prettiest boy Kamatari had ever seen, himself included.

Blinking rapidly, the boy took a wary step back, obviously confused. Kamatari felt his face warming as the redhead’s eyes moved down, then back up to his face. Forcing the initial embarrassment and anger away, Kamatari brought a smile to his face.

“Um…” the redhead was blushing as well, which made Kamatari’s smile grow. “You’re… you’re a guy, right?”

“Thank god,” he shook his head, stepping to the side to let Kamatari pass. “I thought maybe I moved into the wrong wing.”

Kamatari’s smile fell slightly, and he frowned in confusion. The boy just offered a weak smile.

“Oh!” Kamatari hopped out of the way, watching in bewilderment as the redhead walked into the bathroom. The door shut, and he was left standing in the hallway, feeling rather dumb. Biting his lip in effort to stave off a pleased grin, he flounced into his room. “Chou! Wake up!”

“You know the kid who shares our bathroom?” Kamatari insisted, shoving at Chou’s shoulder, urging him awake.

“He’s adorable!” Kamatari giggled. “I’m going to make him a friend.”

“Think he’s up for it?” Chou snorted, rolling over to peek at his cross dressing roommate.

I always thought he was so strong. He rarely seemed bothered by anything anyone said, and he was more independent than most of the kids I knew. (Sure, they’d all try to say they were adults, being over eighteen and all that, but as boys and girls still calling Mommy and Daddy for money and clothes, they were kids.) He depended on his family a little, but he did not have much family to speak of, so it made sense he would not call on them so often.

When I was down, he was there for me. He tolerated my girlish ways, my frivolous wants, and even my infatuation without a second thought. Any normal guy would have been long gone by that point.

When he told me what he had been through... I was even more impressed. Surely, someone who had lived through such hell must be strong. Suddenly, I shoved the boy who lost his family and warded off a sexual assault up on an impossible pedestal. I knew. I knew he would be able to take anything. To quote an old saying, whatever hand fate dealt him, he would play the game without backing down.

Oh, I knew he had problems. He was not good with people. Anyone could see that. I did not mind approaching him, and I pushed Chou to do the same, though my childhood buddy was less personable. Sanosuke did the same. Even Aoshi, though not so much.

And he got sick so easily. His immune system must have been crap because he caught every little bug that swept through campus. When he had those fainting spells last year, he was honestly scared. He tried to hide it, act normal, but I could tell. I pushed him, tried to cheer him when he was down because I thought it would help him push through everything with that same strength.

We kept in touch after I went to Harvard. I told him of my classes, of the friends I made and of how much I missed everyone at the U of M. My closest friend was a girl named Kris who never minded my odd habits. Through her I met a variety of interesting people, got into study groups and survived my first semester at the Ivy League school.

He knew all of this, of course. I told him more than I told Chou. He always responded with more enthusiasm than Chou did anyway. Not that Chou was not a great guy, but he was not the type to enjoy a heart-to-heart.

His emails were never so detailed. He told me what he was doing, the classes he took, about the Halloween party and that he went to basketball with Sanosuke. Little things. I never once suspected he had far more troubles than he let on.

So when I got a call from Chou over Thanksgiving break, I was unprepared for the news he gave me. Kenshin was in the hospital.

I wanted to go to see him, but Chou said he wasn’t talking to anyone anyway. Chou didn’t know all the details, but after a few tries, he finally got back to me with more information. Kenshin had been shot in his own home--in his own room. Two other people died in the incident, and the whole thing was blamed on Chou’s roommate. It was something straight out of a murder mystery... a really messy one. And when Kenshin got back, he was different. Quieter and apathetic.

Suddenly, I was afraid to see him again. What if he had completely changed? Would he act the same way? Would he still tolerate me? Be my friend? Or was he as cold as Chou said?

Then, I saw him. He was exactly the same. Quieter, yes. Apathetic? No. Just unsure. He moved with the caution of a man afraid of what havoc his actions might bring... as if a single wrong word would bring down the gates of hell, loosing every demon, every evil, every bad thing that could ever be. He was afraid of losing everything he had worked so hard to get. He was afraid he already had.

Now I know. Now... I realize what I did not know before. He’s not any different than anyone else. He’s just a kid trying to make it in this world. He has insecurities, needs, wants. No one knows how to help him, and he so desperately needs it. He’s overwhelmed with the heavy burdens fate placed on his shoulders. For so long he lived with it, and now it’s finally become too heavy.

I don’t know what to do. It’s too much. I can’t imagine everything he’s been through. All I can do is lay here and hold him and remind him that I’m here, that I won’t leave him, that I won’t let anything hurt him. The worst part is knowing that the things that hurt him the most are things I can’t do anything about. I can’t bring his cousin back to life. I can’t fix his friendships. I can’t give him passion for life. I can’t do anything. I’ve never felt so helpless.

He doesn’t even complain when I press my lips to his forehead. He looks so peaceful in sleep. The only signs of his torment of minutes ago are the dried streaks on his cheeks and his too-pale face. Otherwise, you’d never know he had just been speaking too fast, barely stringing together coherent sentences. With the way his hair falls over his face, he looks very young. He looks too young to have seen such pain.

I can’t help crying. Chou thinks I shouldn’t do it, says it’s girly, but I can’t help it. What else am I supposed to do? Even if I knew how to fix this, he’s asleep, and I don’t want to wake him. Surely if he dreams, it won’t be as bad as the thoughts he has when he’s awake.

He is strong. I was right about that. He’s strong because he’s still here, despite everything he’s told me. He’s strong because he knows what he wants even if he doesn’t know how to get it. He’s strong because I need him to be strong. Because if he’s not... if he’s not, then I’ve lost another friend. And I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.

But now I’ll just cry. I’ll make sure he’s there, his breath light against my cheek, his heart settling into a steady rhythm under my arm. He’s alive, safe, and sleeping.

Now... now I will mourn for him and curse myself for not seeing this coming. And I will cry like a girl because I’m scared, and I really don’t know how I’m going to do everything I just promised I would do.

My own voice startles me, though it is quiet. He’s too tired to wake. He never hears me. I don’t know if I could say it to his face anyway.

It was a comfortable day. Everyone was out, busy with their own little errands. I stayed inside. It would have been nice to go out, but I had ulterior motives.

We watched a movie, though neither of us was overly interested in it. I thought it was slow, none of the actors even worth looking at. He seemed to be of the same opinion. Not that he was restless, but he kept sighing, like he was trying not to yawn.

My arm was over the back of the sofa, stretching just long enough to be behind him. He was never the type who would lean into me. He preferred to hold a girl against him. Unfortunately for him, it seemed he rarely got an opportunity to do so.

He was drifting, his eyes moving away from the television screen to stare out the window. What was this movie called again? It was a mess of blurry images to me. Everything else was fuzzy too. Just him, his red hair, his troubled gaze--those were clear.

My hand was right behind him, in the perfect place for me to touch his hair. I was so jealous. My hair wouldn’t grow that long. My hair was fine and unmanageable once past my shoulders. His hair was so pretty. After his eyes, it was his best feature.

He looked at me, smiling a bit when my fingers combed through his hair. I probably startled him, but he didn’t show it. He just smiled, all that sadness suddenly hidden behind a blank screen. It was a new trick he picked up. He had yet to perfect it. Most of the time I could still see what he was hiding, but he was getting better. It wouldn’t be long. He’d have that look down until he could use it whenever he wanted to hide. It was kind of sad, really.

I did not know who moved first, me or him, but suddenly it was as if my dreams had all come true. It’s been done before, something whispered to me, but I did not care. All that mattered was his breath against my cheek, my hands in his hair and at his waist. His arm moved up, coming to rest lightly behind my neck.

I could not believe this was happening to me. Every advance I ever made had previously been rebuffed, leaving no room for compromise. It seemed so impossible, but he did not protest when I kissed him again.

He did not reply, his other hand moving to clutch at the shoulder of my sweatshirt. I thought I might just drown in the sheer joy of it. I was willing to bet he wasn’t thinking of Kaoru at that moment.

Kenshin frowned when the man did not immediately respond. A hand on Kamatari’s shoulder was usually enough to get his attention. When this failed, Kenshin gripped the young man’s other shoulder as well and gave him a light shake.

Dark eyes snapped open, accompanied by a soft gasp. Kenshin lifted his eyebrows curiously as Kamatari stared at him incredulously. A deep flush settled across the other man’s cheeks, and Kenshin cautiously pulled his hands away.

“Chou just called,” he said slowly. “He said they were on their way to pick us up for dinner.”

“Dinner?” Kamatari echoed blankly. He glanced at the television screen, quiet and dark. “The movie--”

“Was boring,” Kenshin shook his head. “I shut it off after you fell asleep.”

“Is there an echo in here?” Kenshin smiled warily. “Yeah, turned off. You can watch it tomorrow if you really want to.”

“...Damn,” Kamatari groaned and buried his face in his hands, leaning back against the couch cushion.

“Nothing!” Kamatari said quickly, eyes wide and cheeks still red. “Nothing at all! Dinner, you said? I’ll go change. Something warmer, right? Nicer?”

“I’ve got to go,” Kamatari interrupted hurriedly. When he saw Kenshin’s wide-eyed gaze, he added, “To the bathroom. I’ve got to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right out.”

Confused, Kenshin stared after him until he disappeared around the corner to the hall. Shaking his head, Kenshin sat down and reached for a book.

In the privacy of the bathroom, Kamatari took the time to properly chastise himself. Fist hitting the wall with a muted thud, he sighed sadly.