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My Life: Chapter 19 - A Guy's Worst Nightmare

by Fitz

Abigail and Harold Swenson, the other people in the place, joined us at the table for breakfast that morning. The caretakers had made a huge breakfast with all sorts of stuff I could not identify. I stuck with the toast and fruit, knowing that to be safe. The hostess labeled each dish, but it all looked pretty awful. Kaoru and the other couple could eat it if they wanted.

“Are you two here on vacation?” Mrs. Swenson asked, her wrinkled face drawing up into a smile.

“Spring break,” Kaoru answered cheerfully. “We were going to go to California, but the plans fell through, no thanks to someone I know.”

“You know very well I did not arrange for that to happen!” I retorted automatically, even as it registered that Kaoru was teasing me. Oh well. “I couldn’t just leave him without straightening everything out!”

“I know, I know,” Kaoru laughed and patted my hand. I pulled my hand away, glaring at her, but she just continued to smile. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Damn right, it wasn’t my fault,” I groused.

“Be nice,” Kaoru warned. I scowled and went back to applying butter to my toast. Kaoru grinned at the Mrs. Swenson. “We had a rough night last night.” She leaned forward to say in a stage whisper that I could hear quite clearly. “Someone suffers from nightmares.”

My yelp of protest came out like an indignant squeak while I had food in my mouth. Mr. and Mrs. Swenson were looking at me sympathetically. I was going to get Kaoru for this.

“Poor dear,” Mrs. Swenson smiled warmly at me, and I managed a weak smile in return. “It happens to the best of us.”

“I didn’t have a nightmare.” I had finally swallowed my food so I could respond and defend myself. “There was a thing plugged into the wall that smelled.”

“Did Gloria put that air freshener there again?” the hostess’s husband came in with a big smile. He had on a grease-stained cooking apron that displayed his gut all too well. “I told her not to do it. It’s too strong. But she insists it’s nice. Wait until I tell her--”

“Tell me what, Frank?”

“Nothing, dear!”

Kaoru giggled beside me, as did Mrs. Swenson. The old woman lightly elbowed her husband in the side, and he managed to look very sheepish. I got the distinct impression that it was something of an ironic situation for them. I was not so amused, but I kept my peace by lifting my orange juice to my lips.

“Just goes to prove that the woman is the true head of the household,” Mrs. Swenson laughed merrily. “Don’t you agree, girls?”

I choked on my juice. The glass barely made it to the table, and Kaoru might have caught it so it did not spill all over the white tablecloth. I spent the next few minutes coughing, while Kaoru patted my back and asked if I was okay. Mr. and Mrs. Swenson looked on, adding in their own words of concern.

After I was able to breathe again, I wiped my eyes and reached again for my orange juice.

“I’m cutting my hair this week,” I announced. My voice was weak and hoarse, and it was a miracle anyone heard me.

“Don’t you dare!” Kaoru hollered in my ear. “I love your hair! I will never forgive you if you cut it!”

“Oh my,” Mrs. Swenson blinked at us. “Did I miss something?”

“Oh no,” Kaoru laughed, suddenly all sugar and sweetness for the old lady. “Kenshin’s just self-conscious because he’s such a girly-looking boy.”

“Boy?” Mrs. Swenson echoed.

“Kids these days,” Mr. Swenson grunted. “You know how it is, Gail. Body piercings, dyed hair... at least he doesn’t have a mohawk.”

I didn’t have piercings, and my hair was not dyed! Kids these days? What about those old people! Cynics, the lot of them!

“Don’t worry about him, dear,” Mrs. Swenson smiled. Apparently, I did not do such a good job at hiding my irritation at the man’s comment. “He’s just an old putz.”

Mr. Swenson snorted.

“You look fine,” Mrs. Swenson continued. “Our children were teenagers in the sixties. That was the time when you could practically buy marijuana at the corner store, and there was a bong in ever club’s back room. It was tough getting our children away from that.”

Uh... okay, I never used a bong. At least I could say that. Beside me, Kaoru’s giggling had died in her throat, and I knew what she was thinking. Too close for comfort. So, for once, I took the reins of the situation.

“Thank you, Mrs. Swenson,” I said, offering my brightest smile. “However, it would clear up many misconceptions if I just cut my hair shorter.”

“And deny me the opportunity to play with it?” Kaoru smacked me upside the head.

“Ow!”

“You’re not cutting your hair, and that’s final!” she concluded.

“We’ll see,” I allowed, smirking at her. But she had a point. I was used to it being so long and was loath to butcher it into one of those close-cropped styles that were so popular these days. And since none of my friends minded how I looked, why should I change? I hated change anyway.

“You will be a smear in the dirt if I find out you cut your hair,” Kaoru muttered around the last of her breakfast. I smiled and sipped my orange juice.

^_^

Nine o’clock, Kaoru and I bid that couple a good day and went to her car. As ordered, I was dressed in comfortable clothes and my usual tennis shoes. Kaoru did the same, and I had come up with a few different reasons why: we were going hiking, running, wandering through the slums... The possibilities were there, but I was wrong on all accounts. I figured that much out when I saw the last of Stillwater disappear behind us to be replaced by open highway.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I stared over my shoulder at the fading houses.

“Edina.”

“Edina?” I looked at her in shock. “That’s clear across the cities! Why are we going all the way over there?”

“Because,” she was grinning, but her eyes never left the road.

“Kaoru!” I groaned. “Why go to Stillwater if we’re just going to leave to go to Edina?”

“Because Stillwater is not as developed and has nicer Bed and Breakfasts than Edina has,” she replied easily. “That, and the place I wanted in Edina was not open in the middle of the week.”

“What’s in Edina, Kaoru?” I asked again.

“Snooty rich people?” she offered. That little--! I scowled at her, trying to keep from complaining. She smiled blithely, completely aware of my irritation but apparently not about to give up that information yet.

“We’re driving for an hour to go watch snooty rich people,” I said.

“Of course not, silly,” Kaoru’s smile grew. “We’re going to join them!”

“Where?”

“Not telling.”

“Kaoru!”

“Nope.”

We spent the next ten minutes bickering over that. Well, not so much bickering as complaining and bantering. I tried to pry the information out of her, and she just came back with clever retorts and infuriating denials. After awhile, I got so frustrated that I finally stopped asking and sat back to listen to the music and ignore her out of principle. Kaoru did not like that much either.

“...Are you even listening to me?” she demanded after a monologue that had lasted nearly five minutes. Of course I was listening. I was just pouting and not answering.

I grunted softly in acknowledgment. She didn’t like that.

“Jerk.”

We rode another ten minutes in silence before we started talking about that coming week and all the projects we had to finish by the end of break. By mutual agreement, we did not try to talk about what we were doing that day. Kaoru did not want to argue, and I did not want the frustration. And anyway, I found out why she would not tell me when we got there...

^_^

A day spa?! I glanced around the place uncomfortably while Kaoru confirmed our reservations. The receptionist told us to wait in the lounge, and that was where I confronted Kaoru. She was ready for me, though. She probably had predicted my reaction.

“Before you say anything bad, just sit down and take a few breaths,” she said with a mischievous little grin. “It’ll be fun.”

I sat down as she pushed me to do and frowned at her.

“A spa?” I demanded.

“Oh, let yourself be pampered once in awhile!”

“If I want to pamper myself, I’ll take a nap in the afternoon,” I hissed. “And in my home, not a place so... frilly.”

“Frilly?” she challenged. I knew that tone of voice. I was about to get reamed for my choice of words. But for god’s sake! She had taken me to a place where women fussed around you and did your nails and played with your hair and gave you makeovers.

“Spas are...” I was going to get in trouble for this. “They’re for girls!”

“Don’t be silly!” Kaoru snapped back immediately. Despite the irritated response, her eyes were not mad. She thought this was funny! “Plenty of men come to this place.”

“Puffy, overindulged rich men!” I shot back.

“Are you trying to imply that real men don’t visit day spas?” Kaoru asked. “And I suppose you think you’re the perfect example of a rugged, male specimen.”

I stared at her. That was harsh. Just because I sometimes looked like a girl did not mean I was completely without testosterone. And it was not just me being stubborn about the whole ‘day spa’ thing. I did not know a single guy who--correction--I knew of only one guy who would go for this, and he was a gay transvestite. Of course... Katsu was questionable, but he walked off the path too. If Sano ever found out about this, I would never hear the end of it!

“Don’t give me those puppy eyes,” Kaoru whined suddenly.

Puppy eyes? I did not do puppy eyes. I could glare bloody murder at a person, but I did not go all doe-eyed at people. I proved it by frowning at her.

“That’s better,” Kaoru agreed. “Just behave yourself. I promise, you won’t have a miserable time--”

“Miss Kamiya? Mr. Himura?”

We looked up from our argument to see a woman standing in the lounge, smiling down at us.

“Right this way, please.”

^_^

Okay, so it was not that bad. I felt pretty dumb while some lady gave me a pedicure--no, she did not paint my toenails!--but Kaoru was not far from me, so it was not too awkward. She laughed at me when I squirmed away from tickling fingers and then distracted me by talking about what we were going to do for dinner that night.

“Got any preferences?” she wondered.

“I’ve only ever had two places I won’t go near,” I replied, jumping again when that lady touched the bottom of my foot. I wished she would stop doing that. “You know what they are.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever go to Burger King again after what you told me,” Kaoru groaned.

“You were the one who was prying,” I retorted. “You asked for it.”

“I suppose,” she sighed. She grinned and pointed at a color when the woman fussing with her feet held out some polish. She picked up another one--some weird purple color. “Kenshin, you should paint your nails. This would match your eyes perfectly!”

I grimaced. And I had just been thinking what an awful color that stuff was.

“Don’t push it, Kaoru,” I shook my head. She just giggled and held out the little polish bottle to the woman in front of her.

“I’ll use this one then,” she declared.

Weird girl. The lady looked at it, then up at Kaoru with a little smile.

“The other color would look better,” she advised.

“Yeah, but this one is prettier,” Kaoru nodded. “And I’ll remember more when I look at it.”

The woman looked at me for a minute, then looked back to Kaoru.

“I imagine the color will suit you just fine,” she decided finally. Strange. Just a moment ago, she had been saying she did not like it.

Kaoru blushed at the lady’s comment. It must have been a girl thing because I did not see any reason for Kaoru to be embarrassed. But she was smiling, so it must not have been too embarrassing.

“You think so?” she asked.

“It’s one of those colors that just grows on you,” the pedicurist said with a smile. “It should do well for you.”

Did women always get into deep discussions about what color nail polish they were wearing? The lady in front of me was giggling, and I knew I was missing something.

“What’s so funny?” I asked curiously. She tickled my foot again, and I jumped away, yelping a complaint. She laughed.

“I’d have to say you are,” she replied finally.

Women were confusing.

^_^

After that, we got our hands taken care of. Kaoru chose that same weird color for her nails, and I refused to let them put clear polish on me. My hands felt funny afterwards, but it wasn’t really a bad feeling, so I didn’t complain.

They fussed with our hair for awhile. Aware Kaoru was giving me a death glare, I reluctantly told the hair stylist that I just wanted a trim. Kaoru had some highlights put into to her hair, but I could barely tell the difference. Her response was one that made me feel pretty dumb.

“It’ll be more noticeable when my hair dries, silly,” she giggled.

Recalling Mr. Swenson’s comments that morning, I nearly chose to let the lady put highlights in my hair. In the end, though, it was too strange for me so I told her no. So she just trimmed it a little and then twisted it up in a towel and sent me to sit by Kaoru until they were ready to do something else to us.

^_^

The facial was just plain weird. Granted, the little massage was nice, but then they started putting junk on my skin that I could have done without. It smelled funny, felt funny, and all around was just annoying. The lady claimed it would--and did--make my skin ‘baby soft.’ What guy did not want a face smoother than a baby’s bottom? Honestly. I didn’t care what they said about the results of shaving, not that I ever shaved. (Apparently, this was because of the lower-than-usual levels of testosterone in my blood. I would likely never have to shave. How embarrassing.)

After they washed that stuff off our faces, they finally sent us to different rooms. I was a little reluctant when another woman led me down the hall, away from Kaoru. The only reason I had not stood up and left yet was because Kaoru had been there to keep me from feeling too stupid. But they said the last hour would be spent by ourselves, something about some time for quiet reflection and relaxation. It sounded like some meditation session. Well, I was reflecting, and my tension level was not going down. Couldn’t we meditate in the same room?

“Here we are,” the woman walked into a dimly lit room. She walked over to a strange, cushioned table and fiddled with something under it. Smiling at me, she straightened and walked back to the door. “Go ahead and take off your clothes and lay face-down on the table. You can leave your underwear on if you like. If you want your glute’s worked, then take them off.”

My mind was not cooperating. I had a difficult time wrapping it around the concept of ‘removing my clothes’ and ‘getting my glute’s worked.’ The lady did not correctly interpret my confusion, though.

“Your clothes can go over on that chair,” she pointed. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

She closed the door, leaving me alone in the little darkened room. Glancing back at that odd-looking table, I finally figured out what was going to happen. It was a little intimidating, the thought of getting mostly naked and just laying prone on a raised surface like that, but these people were professionals, and I was sure they did everything they could to avoid any harassment lawsuits.

So, I did what she asked--leaving my underwear on--and waited for her to return.

^_^

I felt like a big, mushy lump. A day of being pampered was exhausting. Kaoru looked weary too, but she managed to act more alert than I felt. She paid the bill before I could stop her, smiling when I glared at her.

“You can pay for dinner,” she said.

I could agree to that. Of course, that meant I would have to be awake when we went to eat. Kaoru pointed out that we would have a couple hours to rest before we would eat anyway. By the time we got back to the Bed and Breakfast, I was ready for a long nap. Kaoru went into the bathroom and started a bath for herself while I collapsed on the bed and fell away from the world.

^_^

Kaoru let me sleep for over an hour. By that point, I was drifting in and out of sleep. My body was still heavy, my mind hazy, and I was not ready to get up. I heard a hair dryer in the background at one point. That stopped, and darkness rolled over me again. It was kind of nice, feeling so content and relaxed.

Finally, someone sat next to me on the bed, and there was a hand on my shoulder, nudging me lightly.

“Kenshin,” Kaoru’s call made me groan in protest. “Wake up.”

“What time...” I mumbled into the pillow.

“We should leave in a little less than an hour,” she murmured. I groused silently. If I had nearly an hour, then why did I have to get up? It would take me ten minutes to be ready. “You’re all oily, Kenshin. You need a shower.”

I sighed and rolled to my back to look up at her. It took me a minute to register her serious lack in proper clothing. She had a towel wrapped around her, bra straps showing that she had something on, but she was preserving her modesty with that large cloth. That did not mean it was perfectly natural to look up and see this, however. When had she gotten so comfortable around me that she was willing to come out less than half dressed in front of me?

Kaoru giggled as I glanced away, my cheeks burning. It was awkward getting away from her. Since she was blocking the easiest way out of the bed, I had to go the other direction, which meant I was crawling over half of the full-sized bed just to get to the floor. And then, I had to walk past Kaoru again just to get to the bathroom.

Why is she doing this?! My thoughts were running wild as I dug through my bag for a clean pair of clothes. Why didn’t she put any clothes on before waking me? Why does she insist on embarrassing me like this? I wish my face would stop turning into a tomato. I never used to be so easily embarrassed! Damn it all! My hair is so greasy...

Grumbling to myself about the oils they used at that spa, I trudged into the bathroom. I kept my eyes down the entire time, but Kaoru was too close, and I could still see her bare legs--her feet with that weird purple color on her nails. The towel was high against her thighs, barely covering the essentials. She probably had underpants on, but--but... God! I wanted to throw my clothes at her and demand she put them on that minute.

My stomach was doing acrobatics by the time I shut the door on the rest of the room, Kaoru included. I leaned back against the door and closed my eyes, hugging my clean clothes to my chest. Taking a deep breath to help dispel my discomfort, I opened my eyes again and pushed away from the door.

I was going to have to take a cold shower to recover from that one.

^_^

Kaoru was fully dressed by the time I ventured out of the bathroom. She was on the bed, flat on her back with her arms and legs flung out like she had just fallen there, and her eyes were closed. She wasn’t sleeping because sleeping people don’t jump at the sound of a creaky boards, of which about ninety percent of the floor was made. I put my dirty clothes in my bag and glanced at the clock. I had been in the bathroom for almost forty minutes. A long time, but I had decided to dry my hair, more because I was stalling than for any other reason.

“Have a nice bath?” Kaoru asked, her voice slurred and relaxed.

“Shower,” I corrected. “It was fine.”

It had been cold. Kaoru had used all the hot water earlier.

“Time to go?” she mumbled.

“About fifteen minutes,” I replied.

“Oh.”

I stood there awkwardly, wondering what I was supposed to do with myself those fifteen minutes while Kaoru just laid there.

“Sit down, Kenshin,” Kaoru’s voice made me jump. “It feels weird with you standing over me like that.”

I glanced over to the uncomfortable looking wicker chair in the corner, then at that bed I had fled the previous night. Neither option appealed. Then, Kaoru grabbed my wrist.

I was unprepared for it. She yanked me forward, and suddenly I was sprawled on the bed, more on Kaoru than not. Then, she was moving again, not giving me the chance to climb off before she had pushed me over. I landed on my back and blinked at the sensation of a warm body pressed against my side.

“I let you do this last night,” Kaoru murmured sleepily. She adjusted her head on my arm until she was comfortable. “It’s only fair.”

“That was...” I muttered uneasily.

She hugged her arm around my waist and sighed contentedly. What was with her that day? First the towel thing and then this! That time at the spa must have gone to her head. Made a person wonder what they put in those oils.

I echoed her sigh, relaxing a bit when I realized she would not be releasing me anytime soon--thirteen minutes from that moment to be more exact.

“Kenshin?” she asked after awhile. “Who’d you see last night?”

Who’d I see last night? I had to think about that one for a minute before I remembered what had happened the previous evening.

“A girl from high school,” I told her again. “Her brother and his friends squirted me with a hose when I ran past their house.”

Kaoru giggled.

“Poor baby.”

“A-ha,” I grumbled. “Yes, very funny.”

“Did you know the girl very well?” Kaoru pressed. “Old girlfriend or anything?”

“Jenny?” I asked, startled that anyone would think that. Granted, Kaoru had not known me during my high school years, so how could she possible know? “No. She was in a few of my classes. I would not have looked at her twice if she had not recognized me.”

“Oh... Okay.” Kaoru shifted then, stretching so that I had to squirm away or risk being hit by her knees as she jerked back into a more normal position. She sat up and smiled down at me. “Let’s go.”

^_^

Kaoru could not tolerate the smell either, despite the fact that it had decreased considerably since I had disposed of that air freshener. This made for another dilemma. The previous night had been a little different. It had been late, I had been half sick, and both of us had been too tired to really protest the course of action. But this... this was different. For the second time, I proposed asking for another room.

“None of the other rooms have two beds,” Kaoru countered. “And they’ll charge us if we take both rooms.”

I could not afford that. Damn it. I eyed the hard floor doubtfully. Kaoru would never tolerate me trying to sleep on that. Not to mention it looked really uncomfortable. But not much more uncomfortable than sharing a bed with Kaoru. I did not know if I would be able to get any sleep like that.

“Kenshin, it’s just one more night,” Kaoru said softly, and I looked at her uneasily. “I’m fine with it... if you are.”

How did a person respond to that? If I had been mad, I would have snapped back that it did make me uncomfortable and no, I was not fine with it. But I was not mad, and Kaoru was being nice about it, and... damn it all.

“I...” I couldn’t get the words out. I stared at my hands, uncomfortably aware of the girl sitting on the bed next to me. It was not like I had never sat next to her before, but all this talk about sharing beds and sleeping together... it was enough to make a guy go red in the cheeks and stutter an excuse. I had skipped the stuttering stage and jumped straight to being struck dumb.

“Are you still embarrassed about last night?” Kaoru asked, her hand on my shoulder. That embarrassment had passed, actually, but I mentally thanked her for bringing it back to my attention. “Kenshin, it’s okay. We’re not doing anything. Just pretend I’m one of the guys. You wouldn’t mind then, would you?”

Honestly? Yes. In fact, I would rather share a bed with an elderly woman than another guy. I’d had enough experiences with men and that particular subject. I closed my eyes, memories of Jonas--glaring at me and spitting ‘bitch!’ into my face--hovering far too close to the front for comfort. I really hated that man. But at least he had not really tried anything like that. I would have had to kill him. And then where would I be? Certainly not in a Stillwater Bed and Breakfast.

“I’m going for a run,” I said abruptly. Kaoru stared at me, startled when I stood. I glanced at the clock. It was only eight. Some stores would be open still, so it was not really that late. “I’ll be back in a bit and...” I pulled on my jacket, not even bothering to change into more comfortable running clothes. “If you want to go to sleep, I’ll try to be quiet when I come back in.”

She did not say anything. She just watched me as I opened the door and stepped into the hall. I glanced at her. That concerned stare bothered me, and I closed the door.

^_^

I went a little farther than the night before. This time, though, it was dark out, and the air was cooling quickly. I did not see any picnics or people walking outside. This time would have been a better time for me to have that cell phone along. But I did not have it, so I would just have to be cautious.

Running was one of the few things that helped when I was feeling down. There was something about my feet hitting the ground, moving too fast to really feel the pounding force of my shoes against the concrete sidewalk. The wind messed my hair, hitting my face, making my eyes water. My mind went blank, aware of nothing but the physical obstacles around me. Nothing could touch me.

It took awhile to get back. I had to wander a bit to locate a familiar street, and from there I found my way back to the Bed and Breakfast. In all, nearly two hours passed before I let myself into the big house and up the stairs to the room I shared with Kaoru.

I was thoroughly exhausted as I locked the door and walked into the bathroom. The rest of the room was dark, so I shut the bathroom door before turning on the lights. It hurt my eyes, doing it that way, but I did not want to wake Kaoru. She was probably mad at me, so all the more reason to push off any resulting argument until morning. Two tired people had a tendency to make things bigger than they really were.

Kaoru probably would not appreciate a sweaty guy in the bed, so I took a quick shower before changing into my nightclothes. Toweling down my hair, I decided against pulling it back. It would still be wet in the morning if I did that, so I just combed it out and let it drip all over my shirt. Clean water was better than sweat, I supposed.

Kaoru must have been fairly deep into sleep. She did not react when I cautiously slid under the covers in the empty spot next to her. Well... that, or she was mad at me and not talking to me. It was just as well. I was uneasy as it was without the two of us laying awake in bed, uncertain what to do or say. That way, I was the only one awake, uncertain what to do.

It was after midnight by the time I finally fell asleep. I was grateful to finally escape my thoughts. But, of course, it could not be a restful night. Really, that would just have been too easy. Why would I sleep peacefully through the night?

^_^

Dark eyes... bleached hair... a knowing smile.

“Go ahead... It’ll make you feel better...”

The world is spinning. Out of control. Nothing works right anymore.

A cold, smooth face.

“And just how does that make you feel, Kenshin?”

What the hell do you care? You get paid whether or not anything is accomplished here. I’m so tired. Tired of you, tired of school, of my uncle, the counselors... I’m tired of this place. Can’t I leave?

“It’ll help.”

It didn’t help. Go away. I never wanted anything to do with you. How did you force me to be so dependent on you?

“Don’t you want to make something of yourself? Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Fuck you. Nobody asked you.

“Bitch.”

Shut up.

“Faggot.”

I’m not. Don’t use that word around me. I hate that word. No one should ever have to hear that word.

“It’ll be fun.”

Don’t touch me.

“Come on...”

Don’t TOUCH me! Stay away from me what is wrong with you let GO!

“How convenient that you run in here.”

The world is spinning again. What happened to my control?! Why didn’t it help? You said it would help but this is worse. This is worse... Don’t... please...

A hand gripped my arm, another pressing against my chest. I shuddered, jerking back against it. Darkly laughing eyes loomed in my vision, just beyond the pitch darkness of the room. My throat closed up, choking me, and I threw myself back, desperate to get away.

Booming, deep, distorted, someone called my name. How did he know my name?!

A hand was in my shirt, yanking me back onto the bed. A sob made its way past my lips, and I bit my lip against another. I shoved against those restraining hands, blurting out broken sentences. Protests, mostly. A few mild, unfinished threats. Nothing I could carry out against him.

Then, a lot of movement. I couldn’t see. The dark room and the panic had blinded me. I gasped as I was jerked back, off the bed. We collided, stumbling, falling, staggering. I grabbed for the nearest object to keep from hitting the floor, my fingers finding cloth and clenching down on it.

We stopped. I stared forward, wide-eyed and gasping. Hot breath in my ear made me jerk my head to the side, even as I registered the gentle, too-high voice.

“Shhhh, Kenshin. It’s me... It’s just me... Shh... calm down...”

Kaoru. It was Kaoru. I was in our rented room. Not with some strange man. Not in a smoky house. It had been a dream, and it was over.

I had never been so relieved.

I moaned softly, leaning into her further, my weight too much for me to handle. I felt sick, cold and hot and shaky.

“Kenshin...” Kaoru’s voice was soothing, calming the frantic beat of my heart, and I turned my face into her shoulder. “Talk to me.”

I couldn’t. It was humiliating, the images hovering too close to the surface to press past them yet. I had a death grip on the front of Kaoru’s shirt, and I hoped she did not want it back yet because I was not going to let go for quite awhile. Even as this little rational part of me said she might not appreciate that particular position, my hands were frozen and not listening to reason. My chest hurt, and for a minute I really thought I would throw up. Kaoru would have loved that.

That thought made me laugh, and it was not a pretty sound. I swallowed it back quickly. I was not going to fly into hysterics over a stupid dream. Kaoru thought otherwise, apparently, because her arms tightened around me. She was murmuring some nonsense again, running her fingers through my hair.

We stood there for a long time. Kaoru managed to hold most of my weight that entire time, which was impressive. Even Sano did not like carrying that kind of weight for very long. I couldn’t stop shaking, but I did get my breathing under control--mostly--and my heart stopped pounding quite so hard. My chest still felt like someone was squeezing it, which did not help things. At least I did not start crying. As if it was not embarrassing enough without it.

“Good...” Kaoru said finally. “Are you okay?”

I had to think about that for a minute. Mostly. The dream was fading.

“Yeah...” it was almost a whisper. I tried to make my voice louder... stronger. “Y-yes.” No, that was not good enough. I said it again, “Yes,” and took a breath and opened my eyes. It was almost too dark to see the outline of her shoulder. No wonder I had not been able to tell who else had been in the room right away. But that did not really excuse how I had acted. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” she countered quietly. “Don’t apologize for this.”

“Okay...” I tried to put more weight on my legs, grateful when I did not collapse back again. “Sorry.”

She sighed, her hand clenching in my hair briefly. My wince made her stop that pretty quickly.

“Nevermind,” she said. “Will you be okay if we go back to the bed?”

No. Nonono. But... it was just Kaoru. And she was fine. She was safe. And there was really nowhere else to go, and we could not stand there all night.

“Sure,” I cautiously released her shirt, impulsively moving to smooth over that mess of dimples and wrinkles, then thinking better of it and letting my hands drop. I did not feel right, letting them hang at my sides, so I lifted them again and hugged them over my chest. Standing was not so hard. I could hold my weight well enough, but Kaoru did not let me go right away.

“Come on,” she turned, pulling me over to the bed we had so suddenly vacated. She let go of me long enough to climb onto it, then turned and caught my arms, tugging at me to get me to follow. It was daunting, climbing back into that bed, but I did it. Kaoru was going all cuddly on me, trying to hug me again. It seemed to make her feel better, even if I was a little leery. With a slightly protesting groan, I let her adjust until my head was on her shoulder, and we both rested on our backs, staring blindly up at the dark ceiling.

“You should have said something,” she said. “We could have made other sleeping arrangements.”

That comment made me wince inwardly. How much had she figured out?

Enough, some portion of my brain informed me. Why else would she have dragged me off the bed like that?

The humiliation of the moment doubled. I sat up.

“Kenshin?” The bed shifted as Kaoru followed my example, sitting up beside me. God, I wanted her to go away. I didn’t want her to know this. I didn’t want anyone to know about it. Of all people... why her? Why did it have to be Kaoru?

I leaned against my bent legs, wrapping my arms over my head. It was not a very good method of hiding, but other than fleeing and locking myself in the bathroom, there was not much else I could do.

“Kenshin...” her hands touched my shoulders. My fingers clenched in my hair--damp and sweaty yet again. It hurt, but I didn’t care. “Kenshin, talk to me.”

“What the hell do you want me to say?!” I hissed. I hated being on the defensive. It made a person so vulnerable. How had Kaoru gotten to know so many of my secrets? Just over six months ago, she had known nothing, and I had been content to keep it that way. A few bad, sporadic moments, and suddenly she knew more than any psychiatrist had ever gotten out of me.

“You could start by telling me what happened,” she replied. She sounded so calm. I wished I could sound like that, but it did not turn out that way.

“You’ve already figured it out,” I growled. “Some guy attacked me.”

“Did he--”

“No.” An icicle worked it’s way up my spine, making me shudder. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, hating myself. How had I ever let that happen? “I panicked and hit him with something.”

“Something...” she echoed faintly.

“A lamp or something,” I wished she would just leave me alone. I hated explaining this. I hated thinking about it. “I don’t know. I was not all there at the time, it was dark, I was on a goddamned bed with some asshole, and I didn’t care what it was as long as it got him off me.”

There. She knew. It did not make me happy, but she knew.

She didn’t say anything. I had not been very nice about it, and she usually got quiet when I snapped at her. But then again... maybe she just did not know what to say. I sure as hell would not have a clue how to react to that.

She hugged me. Leaning against my back, she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.

“It’s not your fault.”

People always said that in situations like this. Why? It didn’t matter. Even if it did, she was wrong.

“If I had not let Enishi talk me into all he did...” I mumbled. “It was my own stupidity.”

“No!” she shook me suddenly, and I tensed to resist it. “Kenshin, it was not your fault.”

She kept saying that.

“I shouldn’t have--”

“No!” she wouldn’t let me finish. “Did you tell him he could do that?”

“No...” Of course not. He did that all on his own, despite my protests.

“Were you of sound mind when he tried to take advantage of you?” she asked.

“Not really...” I had been drunk. Or high. Or both.

“Then it was not your fault,” she said again. “The only fault lies in whoever tried to force you to do something against your express will.”

No... she was wrong. If I had not been in that house... if I had refused the first time Enishi had offered me that joint... If...

Kaoru was shaking. My own shuddering had stopped, or I might not have noticed. There was something wrong. That was not normal. But what was I supposed to do?

“...Kaoru?”

She gasped, and suddenly I could hear her breathing, ragged and noisy. She was crying.

“Kaoru?” I untangled my fingers from my hair quickly, lifting my head a bit so I could look back at her. She hugged me more tightly, and I bit my lip. I would have to shove her away if I was going to see her. “Kaoru... what--?”

“It’s not fair!” she said sharply. She was making an awful whimpering sound that made me want to cringe.

“What’s not--”

“Why would anyone do that?!” she demanded. “No one deserves that. God, no wonder you’re such an antisocial jerk!”

Excuse me? How could she express such sympathy for someone, and then insult that same person in the same breath?

“Well,” I huffed quietly. “Thanks.”

“Don’t!” Her hand came up abruptly, smacking into my face so that I had to duck and close my eyes or risk losing one to her fingers. “Just... don’t! Stop belittling yourself.”

“You’re the one who just called me an antisocial jerk,” I grumbled. Please stop crying, I silently added.

“And you are!” The waterworks continued. “Because you’ve gotten nothing but grief from everything around you. You don’t trust anyone! You can’t!”

Of course I didn’t trust people. If I did, they just... they would just try to...

I shoved the idea away. Kaoru was wrong. She had to be wrong. I was not some angry kid, bitter because the world had not treated me with the utmost kindness. I got along with people. I had friends. I interacted with the world as well as was possible for someone who could not...

Damn it. Damn it all anyway.

“I’m not a cripple,” I told that weepy girl behind me. She didn’t reply, so I twisted away, turning to look at her. She sat there, looking small and miserable, sobbing quietly. “Stop crying.”

“I can’t help it!” she retorted.

“I don’t hate the whole world.”

She shook her head, tears still rolling down her cheeks. It was getting lighter out, and I could see it. I had to prove to her that she was wrong, but I didn’t know what else to say. Just because I had a hard time trusting people did not mean I was not willing to do it eventually. Surely she saw that.

“I don’t hate you,” I said, startling myself with those words. Kaoru stopped crying, too. I thought about it for a minute, then bit my lip and looked back to her. She had to believe me. “I trust you.” And I did. If I had not, I never would have explained the things I had to her.

Kaoru sniffed. At least she was not sobbing anymore.

“I trust you,” I said again. What if she didn’t believe me? Then what? Then... then there was nothing. Just a ruined trip and a strained friendship.

She sniffed again, then asked in a small voice, “Really?”

Yeah... Yeah, really. Wow. That was just deep and bizarre and too much for five-thirty in the morning.

“Yeah,” I said finally. She looked up, and I managed a smile for her. “Kind of crazy, isn’t it?”

She shook her head and wiped at her eyes. Thank god. Crying girls... and she had been crying because of me. I didn’t want that.

She lunged at me suddenly, and I yelped as we fell back on the bed, inches from falling off. Her arms were tight around my neck, and I wheezed a bit from the impact.

“Ow...”

“You promise?” she asked.

“Yes, I promise,” I groaned. She was kind of heavy for her size. Probably all that muscle from working out. And all that muscle was on top of me. “I think we’re going to fall.”

She pulled back quickly, and I choked as she dragged me with her. We ended up back by the pillows, our positions flipped. Apparently, she did not mind my weight so much. Or maybe I was just a wimp. I had not complained... exactly.

It was a little strange, laying like that, but it was not so intimidating as before. I did not understand why it should be different, but it was. Kaoru had her hands in my hair, which felt kind of nice, and I could hear her heartbeat. That was such a soothing sound. I had not heard that since Tomoe was alive, and only before I had gotten to the age where it felt too wrong. Odd how those little things struck a person.

“No more secrets?” Kaoru requested. I did not have anymore secrets. She knew the worst of them.

“Okay,” I agreed, then paused to contemplate that. “Why am I the only one with skeletons?”

“We’ve gotten a few of them out of the closet,” she replied, giggling softly. That felt weird.

“Gay jokes are not appreciated,” I muttered.

“Oop. Sorry,” she sounded sheepish. “I know you hate that.”

“Don’t you have anything to say?” I pressed. “Surely I’m not the only one around here with some deep dark secret.”

“Not really. I guess... well, Dad isn’t my biological father,” she offered. “But that’s hardly a big secret.”

“I didn’t know that,” I countered.

“Oh? Huh.” Maybe it had never occurred to her. “Well, Dad’s um... ooooh, I don’t know if he’d like me telling you this.”

“I won’t tell,” I promised. She giggled again.

“He’s sterile,” she stated. I blinked.

“...Oh.” Poor guy.

“But they wanted kids really bad, and Mom wanted to have the baby.” Her fingers were twisting in my hair. It was kind of distracting, and I had to focus past it to hear the rest. “So they went to a bank. In Vitro.”

I brooded on that for a minute. Actually, I concentrated more on her hands fiddling with my hair, but the reason did not matter. I was quiet for awhile.

“You’ve led a charmed life,” I decided.

“And I’ve loved every minute of it,” she replied.

“Hn.” I sighed and closed my eyes. It was still too early to get up. The night had been stressful, and I could think of no good reason to move. Kaoru did not protest either, and she had been the one to pull us into that position.

It was ironic, really. Six months ago, I would have ridiculed the very idea that I would ever be this close to Kaoru. She had been the girl who annoyed the hell out of me, the one who intimidated me to the point that I would have done about anything to keep her away. But this very night, I had been terrified that she would leave me all alone.

^_^

We slept through breakfast. Kaoru went down to apologize to the host and hostess while I showered for the fourth time in two days. After that, we packed our bags and put them in the trunk of her car. Kaoru signed off the bill for the room, and I made a note of the price so I could write her a check for the difference later.

We were getting ready to leave for home when I remembered something.

“Can we stop in town before we leave?” I asked, startling Kaoru with my request. I smiled at her when she looked at me in question. “I promised Jenny--”

“Who’s Jenny?” she interrupted.

“That girl whose brother hit me with a hose,” I clarified. “Anyway, I promised I’d stop and say good-bye before we left.”

“That’s nice of you,” Kaoru said mildly, then smiled and put the car into gear. “Where are we going?”

^_^

A little bell jangled when I walked into the flower shop. I looked around cautiously, feeling a bit out of place in such a store. Kaoru was off parking the car, so I could not even walk in with someone more suited to the place.

“Kenshin!”

Jenny spotted me almost immediately, much to my relief. I smiled and walked over to the counter where she sat on a stool beside a cash register. I was surprised that she would be working in her condition--if I could call being pregnant a ‘condition.’

“I’m surprised you came,” she said, holding out her hand to me. I took it uncertainly, trying not to frown when she squeezed my fingers lightly and let our hands sit on the counter. That felt a little strange, considering I barely knew her. “I’m glad you did.”

“I promised,” I muttered, glancing toward the door. Kaoru would be there soon.

“Going home?” Jenny wondered. I looked back to her.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “We only rented the room for two nights.”

“That’s too bad,” she sighed. “I would have loved to invite you and your friend over for dinner.”

“Another time, maybe,” I said carelessly.

“Let me give you my email,” she pulled her hand away and searched around for a piece of paper. Ripping it in half, she scrawled down an email address and handed it to me. I put it in my pocket and obligingly wrote down my own email on that second scrap of paper. “Good. Now I can keep tabs on the best-looking guy I know.”

“Don’t let your husband hear that,” I said, flushing a bit at the compliment. To be truthful, I did not need some jealous man glaring at me if ever I saw him.

“Ah, Miroku wouldn’t care,” she laughed. “He’d agree with me.”

I laughed uneasily. Right.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” she winked at me and leaned down to pick something up. I winced, hoping she did not topple off that stool. She looked horribly overbalanced. But she did not seem to have any difficulty, and she produced a large, brown paper sack. It was folded over so I could tell it was a bouquet of some sort. I peeked inside and studied the lilies she had prepared.

“They’re very pretty,” I told her. “Thank you.”

“But you have to leave now, right?” she predicted.

“Yes.”

“Oh well,” she sighed, then smiled. “May I kiss you?”

“Excuse me?” That was forward.

“I’m sorry,” she laughed. “I just always wondered what it would be like. Do you mind?”

I stared at her for a minute.

“Actually... yes,” I glanced down at the flowers in my hands, the heat rising in my face. I was willing to bet that she thought this was funny. “Yes, I mind.”

“Oh,” she sighed again. “Well, it was worth a try. A peck on the cheek?”

I bit back a scathing retort and settled for glaring at her.

“No.”

“Forehead?” she tried again.

“Jenny!” I frowned unhappily. “I’ll dump these flowers back on you.”

“It’s not like you’re getting those for free,” she said, lifting an eyebrow at me.

I sighed impatiently and held them out for her to take. She laughed and pushed them back at me.

“I’m kidding, Kenshin,” she assured me. “Take care of yourself, okay? I really do expect responses when I email you.”

“You should try leaving better impressions on a person,” I grumbled. I shook my head and smirked at her. “Good-bye, Jenny.”

“Until we meet again,” she said dramatically. I turned to leave. My hand was on the door when she called out again. “Oh! Kenshin?”

I paused, opening the door for Kaoru when she walked up.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve got to know,” she was talking loud enough for the other customers in the store to hear. That was not necessarily a good sign. I hoped she did not try to embarrass me again, but I should have known better. “How much truth was there to the rumors at school? Do you chase other men?”

I counted to ten, closing my eyes against my irritation.

“No. Good-bye, Jenny.”

“Bye, Kenshin!”

I shook my head and followed Kaoru out of the store. She laughed at my red face and pointed out where she had parked. I put the flowers in the back seat, climbed into the passenger side, and we headed home.

^_^