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Les Symphonies: La Symphonie d'Amour, Opus 1

by Nigihayami Haruko ::: 08.Jan.2004

I’m not unhappy

I just don’t know why

My tears are falling

Walking down the street used to be such a simple job. All you had to do was concentrate on placing one foot in front of another, and lo and behold, you’d find yourself at your destination in no time. Sometimes, when you’ve forgotten to tie your shoe laces, or when you haven’t noticed that tricky bit of floor, you’d stumble and the entire process had to be re-evaluated until you can find your footing and repeat the steps once more. But today, it was vastly different. Other than the fact that it was cold enough to snow and give everyone a bad case of flu the next day, people were running out into the streets causing walking to become a hazardous effort, especially for Kamiya Kaoru.

Make no mistake. It is not that she was anti-social or spiteful of company. On some occasion, Kaoru did love crowds. She loved the way you never had to think of where you’re going, but simply allow the force of the jostling bodies to push you to some place. She also loved the way crowds can make you feel so much a part of that vast tidal wave of energy that seemed to follow the sea of people wherever they go. But most of all, she loved the way you could keep your mind at peace and blank in a crowd, the way all thoughts became a tiny buzz at the back of your mind when all you hear is the little whispers of voices all around.

But today… today Kaoru was unhappy. She loathed crowds and wished more than anything else in the world, to find a safe haven where she can run away and cry.

Because today, Kaoru just had her heart broken.

Seeing you leave quietly

Your mind a thousand miles away

Normally, the sea is a nice place to be. Seeing the gentle waves crash at the shore, beating its rhythmic drum-like beat, lending the beach a constancy that cannot be found anywhere else, it was there that Kenshin would find his solace at most times. Today was not much different, but unlike before, the salty sea wind brought not much comfort, instead bringing him painful silences and cold numbness that broke through his carefully crafted walls, pushing him to give into his initial urge to breakdown and weep.

“All I ever wanted…”

He could not find the strength to finish his sentence, the same way he never found the courage to march down the aisle and grab the woman he loved from the clutches of lifelong bondage to another man.

He knew that she was never his to begin with, but why was it that she fitted so well with him? Why was it that her hand clasped his so firmly, why was it that her head seemed to fit so snugly in the crook of his neck and why, oh why, did she ignite such a passionate flame in him that he never knew existed before?

“… was to be loved.”

You’ve already left, so

I’ll slowly find my way out

Just as she alighted on the train, her tears came pouring out. Kaoru was never as grateful for the emptiness of the coach as she was at that time. Thank Kami for irritating revellers and Countdown parties! She thought as she used the back of her hand to scrub the embarrassing droplets away from her face. She was Kamiya Kaoru, not just any ‘ole weepy weak girl who broke down at heartache. But I want to be. Her traitorous mind thought. I want to be allowed to be weak, to cry just because he left me, to sob just because I want the pain in my heart to be translated to something more tangible!

However, just as quickly as the tears started, they stopped as well. Somehow, her body was made to with stand more than she thought possible. It was like how she automatically woke up at seven that morning despite repeatedly telling herself that she wanted to sleep New Year’s Eve in; like how she promised her boyfriend that she would not disturb his peaceful slumber but could not help going to his place at eight thirty sharp per normal; like how she saw him with another girl in bed and despite how she told herself there must be a mistake she couldn’t help the prickling feeling behind her eyelids.

Kamiya Kaoru was a strong woman, but sometimes, strength was simply not enough, and this morning, she was given more than her fair share of pain.

Love leaves like a hurricane

Too hard to adjust

With no place to hide

I don’t want to think

I don’t want to think of you

Trailing his dainty fingers on the rough surface of the rock, Kenshin let out a breath he did not realise he was holding. It was too soon - Much too soon for the hurt in his heart to be reversed and much too early for him to move on with his life. Using his knees to support his chin, Kenshin tried his best to concentrate on the seagulls soaring in the sky. If he thought hard enough, he could wipe out all trace of thought and find peace in the endless crystal clear sky. Maybe then he can erase her gentle smile, be rid of how much he loved the lull of her voice as it rose, rich in timbre and cadence and scratch out all thought that today, she was finally going to be someone else’s.

Eyes desperately following the movement of the seagulls, he marvelled at how they could soar so effortlessly in the sky, at how they could find comfort in something that they were born to do. Perhaps if he wished hard enough, he could be reborn as a bird so he could find some peace as well. As it is, he’s already floundering terribly at being human, he probably was meant to be a blundering fool for the rest of his life.

“Please…”

The words came out before he thought of it. But please? Please what?

“… I… I want to be happy…”

His voice dropped to a whisper, wiping out all traces of emotion but that of grave hollowness and hopelessness.

“… just once.”

Take this chance

When the world does not notice us

Let me take you away

No evidence, no emptiness…

Kaoru gave up. The train had probably stopped at over fifteen stops, but she simply sat. Other than the occasional sigh where she would turn around to glance at her surroundings and glare at the rare passer-by, her head would be down with her bangs covering the windows to her soul. There was a time she loathed to buy sun glasses because she did not believe in hiding the most beautiful of her features, and the pride of her father’s. No, Kaoru-hime had such breathtaking eyes that shielding them behind tinted glasses would be a sore disappointment. Now, she just wished she could wrench the sun glasses off the faces of those hippies to hide her pain.

“This is the last stop…”

The announcement broke Kaoru out of her violent thoughts. It was time to alight, even though she did not want to, even though she did not know where to go. Pushing herself up from her stupor and her seat, she grabbed her backpack and ventured out the door.

One step ahead of another that was how she got there and that was how she was leaving too.

Even if you’re holding my hand

I’m not longer in your heart

Kenshin whispered her name to the wind, hoping that it would find its way to her ears. Although he knew that she was no longer free to be with him, it did not stop him from wanting her to have the best the world could offer. Love does not end just because it’s not yours.

Suddenly, something flew out from behind him, giving Kenshin a sound whack on the head.

“Oro…”

Rubbing the heel of his palm on his bruised skull, Kenshin bent down to pick the ‘weapon’ up, holding it and examining how such an innocent looking child’s toy could turn so deadly.

“F=ma…” He muttered, for once hating Newton for coming up with such a dangerous formula that would probably explain the terrible lump that was forming on his head at that moment.

“Gomen ne!!!” A childish wail came from behind.

Kenshin turned around to face his assailant, not at all surprised that she stood all of five feet two inches. It’s the small ones that are deadliest. He thought comically to himself. Shaking his head to show that the bump was not as bad as they both thought, he assured her.

“Don’t worry, I’m sturdier than that!”

Peeking below her unruly bangs, the child stuck her hand out to push his hair out of his eyes. Noting his haggard visage, she gasped.

“You’re hurt… I… I hurt you…”

Seeing her close to tears, Kenshin hastily turned away and assumed as gentle and care-free smile as he could, all the while assuaging her.

“What- what makes you think that way?”

But as innocent as she may seem, she was not immune to the waves of sorrow that was ignited from within the broken man in front of her. Taking a step forward, the little girl opened her arms and engulfed Kenshin in her embrace.

“You’re crying. It’s not even the happy tears that Okasan has when I tell her I love her. It’s those sad tears… the ones that Otousan cries because Okasan is gone… is that what happened to you?”

Shocked more by her action than by her words, Kenshin buried his face even deeper in his hands, afraid that she would say the words that he kept hidden in the depths of his soul.

“I wasn’t married, but… the one that I love is gone too.”

He could not help but admit to the suddenly solemn girl. It was as though she could understand his pain and sorrow although she probably was only ten. Since when did age matter? Here he was, twenty three years of age, and just experiencing pain for the first time.

I don’t wish to think anymore

It’s time I just give up

The air grew saltier with each step that Kaoru took. Turning her face towards the breeze, she took a deep breath, trying to inhale all the peace of the sea air and exhale all troubles along with it.

If only troubles could be expelled that easily.

Kaoru knew that in due time she had to let go of this pain and look towards a new day, but like this day, the last day of the year, she gave herself some time to look back, to reminisce before she finally releases herself from bondage to her private pain. But would it ever heal?

Walking pass the rows and rows of trees, the tangy taste of the sea breeze grew stronger with each new step she took. Kaoru never felt this much at peace before. It was rather strange that she was return to the sea, especially this beach in particular since it was here that she held wonderful memories of lost love as well.

“I wonder if it’s still here…?” She murmured to herself.

Wish that I have a rocket

So we could fly straight to heaven

The little girl’s embrace only tightened as she held onto the man’s thin frame in her arms. She did not know the words to say, but was struggling all the same to comfort this stranger who needed her in some unusual manner. And though she did not know him, she only wished that she could do for him what she wished so hard to do for her father.

“You’ll find love again, I just know you would. Someone so nice and kind like you would not be allowed to stay in the shadows forever! Otousan said that nice people get rewarded, you surely would!”

Kenshin smiled a wan smile at her words. How lovely it was to be young and hopeful once more! Perhaps he had found his reason for trudging unknowingly to this deserted beach - to find the little girl who would put a little more perspective in his life while removing the thorns from the thicket.

Tightening his hold on the tiny package in his arms, Kenshin gently spoke.

“Your Otousan is a wise man.”

Slowly give me your hand

Release the turmoil in your heart

As she turned round the bend, Kaoru quickened her steps. She was steadily approaching that same rock - The place that held only sweet and tangy memories for her, the same place which reminded her of lessons that she could find no where else but with that special someone who would learn from her as much as she did from him. Who said that pain lasts forever?

I hope he really loves you

So I can finally let go

They sat there for hours, the two of them. An odd couple really; one in need of the other for support through a tough time, the other simply hungering to give comfort. Kenshin did not know what possessed him to turn to this innocent sprite this day, but he was glad, nonetheless, that he did.

“Ne…” She tugged at his hand to get his attention. “Is this your first time to the beach? I come here all the time but I’ve never seen you here before.”

Smiling at her, he brought his hand up to ruffle her unruly locks.

“It’s my first time here, but I’d sure like to come back here more often to see you!”

Seeing her brilliant smile, he never knew how he could have lived without it all this while.

This letting go of you

Is because

I love you too much

The vast plains of sands greeted her like the solemn lover rising to meet the embrace of his lost love. Taking in a deep gulp of the tangy sea air, Kaoru tucked an errant lock of hair behind her ear. Nothing’s changed, yet everything is not the same. Smiling softly to herself, she was buried in memories that suddenly unleashed themselves from the depths of her mind.

“I’m back. Okaeri.”

Foolishly still waiting

Thinking that you’ll return

Staring at the vivacious little sprite seated next to him, Kenshin came to a decision. Picking up a small piece of chipped rock, he starting carving words on the rough granite they were sitting on.

All around, only sounds of the occasional seagulls crying out, the sea crashing to shore and the rough sounds of rock scratching rock was heard. Curiously, the girl turned her head to the careful ministrations of the strange red-haired man.

“Ne, Oniichan, what are you doing?” She tilted her head slightly regarding his Prussian eyes as though she could dredge out his motives from him.

Laughing gently to himself, Kenshin pulled her down to look at his masterpiece.

“Something to remember this day by, so even in future, if we ever part, when we return to this beach, we’ll never forget that we’ve met before. So that when I ever get sad one day, I’ll remember that I’ve met such a wonderful person like you who reminded me that love still exists.”

Grinning up at Kenshin’s explanation, the little girl leaned on his shoulder in silent contemplation of his words, both written and spoken.

“I may not quite understand them, but I know that one day I will, right?” She frowned as though trying to give sense and reason to his words. Giving up, she smiled brightly at Kenshin. “But I’ll never forget you Oniichan! Never! Never!”

Chuckling lightly at her declaration, Kenshin planted a kiss on her forehead.

“Ah, as will I, chib-chan.”

The secret lies in my arms

Where only you can hear

No else one will know

The warmth of your smile is an embrace

Tracing her fingers lightly across the time-worn rock, Kaoru smiled at the words that seemed to speak to her heart.

“Ne, I’m grown now. Do you know?”

She whispered the words out, cherishing each syllable as she prayed they would find their way to him.

“I think I understand what you meant that day.”

Turning to face the sea, she sat herself down next to the inscriptions as she assumed the same stance that he did ten years ago.

“Lovers live and lovers die,

But Love lives forever.”

She quoted the words that she remembered by heart. All through the years, all this time, despite her hectic lifestyle and busy days, her encounter with that ‘strange red-haired Oniichan’ was never that far buried in her mind. She’ll recall the strange conversation they had, reminiscing about the cinnamon scent he had when she embraced him in an attempt to wash away all his sorrows.

“I’ve never forgotten, not this meeting, not you.”

The seagulls soared through the air, shrieking as they conveyed her words to the wind, leaving her with a strange sort of comfort. Somehow, she knew somewhere out there, he heard her. Would it bring the same solace to him?

“Ah… neither have I.”

The voice sounded from behind Kaoru, as though it were right next to her. That rich timbre, that light resonance. Was it…?

Turning herself around slowly as though afraid it was just a figment of her imagination, Kaoru did not dare lift her eyes until the last moment.

He looked the same. A little older, a little more tired, but still the same.

“Oniichan?”

She tested the word that was left behind ten years ago. It sounded so foreign yet so familiar on her tongue.

“You’ve grown a great deal, chibi-chan.”

“Oniichan!”

Kaoru jumped off her seat, hurling herself at the startled Kenshin, sobbing into his shoulder, crying out for the relief she gave him so many years ago.

Though no knowing what has transpired to cause such a violent reaction from the little girl he knew so long ago, it shattered his very soul to hear her broken-hearted sobs. Raising his hand to smooth out her hair, the other reached to draw her closer to him as she eagerly lapped the comfort her gave so willingly.

Suddenly, everything seemed alright again, the sun rose higher into the sky as her cries died down and the two just stood there relishing the one thing they have been missing for so long.

Lovers live…

Soothing the world-weary woman-child in his embrace, Kenshin buried his face in her hair, breathing in the scent that matured over the years. It seemed strange that he could no longer recall the love that he bore for that woman years ago, but he could never forget the face of the young faerie who stole his heart. Some things can never be forgotten though the rest are left behind in the pages of history.

… and lovers die …

Tightening her hold on the familiar stranger embracing her, Kaoru marvelled at the fact that she still did not know his name, yet his face was so deeply engraved into her heart. Her sadness at her failed relationship and the weariness of the living of everyday melted in his arms as he brushed his lips over and over again against the silky locks of her coal hair. He was everything he needed right now, and if he were to go tomorrow, at least she’s had today.

... But love lasts forever.