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Hiko Seijuro: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by Hikari Hrair-rah ::: 23.Jul.2004

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit. To insure that you get the full use and benefits of your Master of Hiten Mitsurugi, please pay close attention to the following instructions:

Basic Information:

Name: Hiko Seijuro the Thirteenth (will also respond to Shishou)

Date of Manufacture: 33 BME (Before Meiji Era)

Place of Manufacture: Shogunate Japan Inc, Mystery Swordmen Division

Height: 6 to 7 feet

Weight: Unit does not allow itself to be weighed

Length: Extremely Long (caution: one side is sharp)

Your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) comes with the following accessories:

Two Purple-ish Gi

Two pairs Black Hakama

Two pairs Socks

One pair Sandals

One Extra-Long Katana

One Garish Red and White Hiten Mitsurugi Master's Cape

One Bottomless Sake Bottle©

Before you open the box containing your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0), make certain box is placed in a forested area, as the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) can become extremely tempermental when in densely populated areas. If you open the box to find him irritated anyway, then you took more than four minutes opening it. In either case, placate your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) with a large bottle of sake.

Programming:

The HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) prefers seclusion and ordering other people around, however he has several unique abilities that you can coax out, given the proper incentive (sake).

Potter: Give the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) some clay, some pottery tools, and a kiln, and watch him go! When given excessive free time, the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) will prove time and again that he is not just a Hiten Mitsurugi Master, but a Pottery Master as well. Sell his art and collect a tidy profit.

Child Care: Believe it or not, under that gruff exterior is a warmhearted individual who will watch over your child and teach it self-reliance at the same time. Your kids won't need any sitters to protect them after just a few days of care by your very own HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0).

Beer and Wine Taster: No one knows more about the finer points of alcoholic beverages than your HIKO SEJURO (v. 13.0) unit. Although his preferred drink is sake (rice wine), encourage him to try new drinks and expand his tastes. With his extremely high tolerance for high blood alcohol levels, no one will slip you a bad beer ever again!

Personal Trainer: Need to build up those puny muscles? Want to learn how to leap short buildings in a single bound? The HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) will set you on a rigorous path to buffdom with his personal training schedules, tested and refined by Hiten Mitsurugi Masters since the unit HIKO SEIJURO (v. 1.0). (We are not responsible for any injuries you receive from these training programs)

Your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) comes with four different modes:

Arrogant (default setting)

Moody

Passing Friendly (level three lock)

Slash

The HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) does not possess a Deadly Mode; because he is a Master of Hiten Mitsurugi, HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) is Deadly all the time and therefore does not need a separate mode.

Do to a slight superiority complex that is an unfortunate component to all Mysterious Swordmen Line models, the Passing Friendly Mode on the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) is under a level three lock. However, this mode will engage randomly when any of the other modes is online.

Please make certain that any other units are in compatible modes when HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) is set to Slash. When rebuffed by another unit, the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit will retaliate aggressively, requiring immediate replacement of other unit.

Relations with other units:

The HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) is a reclusive hermit that will normally decline interaction with other units. However, if given no other choice, your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit will interact fairly well with most other units.

RUROUNI KENSHIN: Believe it or not, this unit is the most compatible with the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit. The RUROUNI KENSHIN generally possesses a quiet demeanor and is capable of longer interaction time than any other unit. However, even this unit has limits, and HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) will usually torment the RUROUNI KENSHIN for the fun of it at all times.

SAITO: A match for the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) in both arrogance and personality, the SAITO unit and the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) are capable of peaceful interaction to a high degree. Too much time spent together will trigger a fight, and all interactions should be monitored in either case.

Other unit interactions:

KAORU: Generally harmless, but will start frequent arguments.

SANOSUKE: Little to no interaction unless forced.

YAHIKO: Irritating and small. Will respect HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0)'s skill as a swordsman, but will easily be set off by the larger unit's attitude.

SHISHIO: Ignored more or less completely by HIKO SEJURO (v.13.0) units, but HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) will deal with any of SHISHIO's EVIL MINIONS if they get in his way. Or if a RUROUNI KENSHIN asks him really nicely.

Cleaning:

The HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) is a self-cleaning unit, however he will be happy to accept your manual labor in preparing his bath for him. If you and your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit live on slightly more intimate terms, he may let you take the bath with him. See any Licensed Fan-Fiction Authoress for any such adjustments towards bath time intimacy.

If your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) needs help getting dry afterwards, make certain to rub unit dry with large towel. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not hang unit on the line to dry.

Energy:

Your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0)'s main source of energy is sake, provided by our patented Bottomless Sake Bottle©. If the Bottomless Sake Bottle© becomes damaged or runs dry, ship whatever is left to us and we will send you a new Bottomless Sake Bottle© free of charge. Your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit also requires food, but he isn't too picky. Whatever you are able to cook for him will be acceptable.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: My HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit keeps calling me his 'baka deshi', and won't stop laughing at me! Why is that? And how can I make him stop?

A: It appears that your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit has mistaken you for a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit. The best method to make him stop calling you his baka deshi is to lower your resemblance to RUROUNI KENSHIN. If you have red hair, dye it a different color. Cut long hair short. Wear bigger shoes to increase your height. Try colored-contacts to change your eye color. Have any large facial scars removed. If, in fact, you are a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, then there's nothing we can do for you.

Q: When I opened the box containing my HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0), he didn't look right. The cape is purple-ish, his hair is brown, and he keeps talking about G-d. Plus, he won't touch anything with alcohol in it.

A: Sorry. You have received our Beta version of the Rogue Hiten Mitsurugi Master (as seen in the Christian Arc) by mistake. Ship him back and we will send out the correct model ASAP. Unless you actually want to keep him…

Q: I can't stand it anymore! He's such a JERK! How do I get through the level three lock on HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0)'s Passing Friendly Mode?!

A: You're tampering with forces you cannot comprehend here, but if you're THAT desperate…the only way to get Constant Access to the Passing Friendly Mode of your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) is to crash his hard drive and reboot him without going through the proper start-up procedure (as shown in the pamphlet you should have received with your unit). The recommended method is to shove him off a cliff. If you don't kill him, he should have amnesia, which allows Constant Access to the Passing Friendly Mode. Exposure to other units will trigger a memory reboot in the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0), and he sure as hell won't let you shove him off a cliff twice.

Troubleshooting:

Problem: You've left your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) and your RUROUNI KENSHIN home alone for a week. When you return, your RUROUNI KENSHIN is nowhere to be found and your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) is lying on the ground with a huge bruise going across his chest.

Answer: Left with nothing else to do, your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) has apparently taught the Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki to your RUROUNI KENSHIN. Your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) should still be alive.

Problem: When he signs his pottery, your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) uses a different name. He's also taken out a credit card under the same name.

Answer: The HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit will usually use a different name as a potter. The fact that he's taken out a credit card under the same name shows that your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) has adjusted well to the 21st century. Just make certain he isn't using your name.

Problem: For lack of anything else to do, your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) took in some person off the street, trained them in Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu, and was tragically killed when that person learned Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki.

Answer: Say hello to your new roommate, HIKO SEIJURO (v. 15.0). We are not responsible for this model of HIKO SEIJURO.

With proper care and maintenance, your HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) will lead a full and happy life while staying under your roof. His warranty is good indefinitely, at least until he trains a new apprentice. If, at any point, you or the rest of your family just can't stand to be around him anymore, just point him in the direction of the nearest mountain and send him off.