|Disclaimer||This fan fiction is based on the Rurouni Kenshin manga. Rurouni Kenshin characters are the property of creator Nobohiro Watsuke, Shueisha, Shonen Jump, Sony Entertainment, and VIZ Comics. This is a non-profit work for entertainment purposes only. Permission was not obtained from the above parties.|
|Author Intro||A fic utterly inspired by the work of authoress Theresa Green (and done with her full permission), so enjoy!|
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Kenshin: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Hikari Hrair-rah ::: 23.Feb.2004
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated RUROUNI KENSHIN unit. To insure that you get the full use and benefits of your Wandering Swordsman, please pay close attention to the following instructions:
Name: Kenshin Himura (Samurai Boy, Uncle Kenny, That Bum Swordsman)
Date of Manufacture: Around 19 BME (Before Meiji Era)
Place of Manufacture: Shogunate Japan Inc, Peasant Villagers Division
Weight: Surprisingly little
Length: Really long (caution, one side has sharp edge)
Your RUROUNI KENSHIN will come with the following accessories:
One Pink Gi
One pair Gray Hakama
One pair Red Socks
One pair Sandals
One Sakabatou (Reverse-Blade Sword)
You may notice that when you first open the box containing your RUROUNI KENSHIN, his clothing will be shabby and patched, and he will be skinny and under-nourished. This is entirely NORMAL, and due to the ten-year minimum programming period required for the RUROUNI KENSHIN unit.
The RUROUNI KENSHIN unit is one of the most versatile units available, and will eagerly serve in as many different functions as you can provide for him.
All-Purpose Maid: Although the RUROUNI KENSHIN unit specializes in laundry, he will also clean dirty dishes, dust, mop, sweep, rake leaves, shovel snow, and perform any sort of household cleaning chore when asked. (In most cases, the RUROUNI KENSHIN unit will not wait to be asked before performing these tasks.) Leave all your chores to him, and hire him out to your neighbors to make easy bucks!
Master Chef: Your RUROUNI KENSHIN is programmed with over a thousand different recipes that require minimum, cheap ingredients, and will gladly cook all meals without complaint. Open your own restaurant and rake in a fortune!
Babysitter: The RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, when not performing household chores, will eagerly entertain all nearby children. He will also defend them with his life, so have no worries leaving your kids with him overnight.
Bodyguard: Under that simpleton exterior, your RUROUNI KENSHIN unit is a master swordsman. As a user of the invincible Hiten Mitsurugi Style of swordsmanship, he will defeat all attacking enemies in the blink of an eye.
Your RUROUNI KENSHIN comes with three different modes:
Silly (default setting)
Please note, if you have a KAORU unit and she is in danger of serious injury, the RUROUNI KENSHIN will shift into Deadly Mode automatically. Extreme carnage is unavoidable in this mode and your RUROUNI KENSHIN can NOT be shifted from Deadly Mode unless given proof that the KAORU unit is safe and uninjured. The RUROUNI KENSHIN unit will also shift into Deadly Mode if left unsupervised with a SAITO unit.
If provoked further while in Deadly Mode, RUROUNI KENSHIN will shift into Extremely Deadly Mode. In this worst-case scenario, flee country until RUROUNI KENSHIN unit collapses from exhaustion/injuries.
Also note, the RUROUNI KENSHIN has no Slash setting. When set to Serious Mode, relations with other units set to Slash Mode are possible. If relations are attempted while RUROUNI KENSHIN is in Silly Mode, the Injure-self-to-avoid-awkward-situations program will go online. Relations while in Deadly Mode or Extreme Deadly Mode will result in needing replacement parts for any other units involved.
Relations with other units:
Your RUROUNI KENSHIN is a gentle, peace-loving creature, who will get along with just about everyone, even units from the VILLAINS collection. However, there are some units that will purposely attempt to provoke your RUROUNI KENSHIN, and should not be left with him armed and/or unsupervised.
JINEI: Creepy eye color. Has tendency to abduct any KAORU units found in vicinity of a RUROUNI KENSHIN. Will trigger Extremely Deadly Mode in RUROUNI KENSHIN. Do not allow RUROUNI KENSHIN units and JINEI units to interact - ever.
SAITO: Insulting and smokes a lot. Will attempt to fight to the death with RUROUNI KENSHIN after making eye contact. Make certain that you have a TOKIO unit or a OKUBO unit handy in case of emergency, as SAITO will usually carry a hidden Katana.
CHO: Collects swords. Will usually threaten small children with his swords in vicinity of RUROUNI KENSHIN. Confiscate all swords (and triple-check to make sure you’ve gotten ALL of them) before allowing interaction.
SHISHIO: Tends to smell like burnt toast and will express extreme interest in conquering all of Japan. This highly aggressive unit should be kept away from RUROUNI KENSHIN at all costs. Overexcitement and fighting for more than fifteen minutes causes the SHISHIO unit to overheat and melt down, requiring replacement of unit.
HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0): Loud, obnoxious, and always has access to sake. While your RUROUNI KENSHIN unit will usually get along fine with a HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit, the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit is so much of an egotistical jerk that any nearby RUROUNI KENSHIN units may shift into Deadly Mode after prolonged exposure. However, as the HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) unit is a superior swordsman and a Master of the Hiten Mitsurugi Style, this will result in damage to your RUROUNI KENSHIN.
Other unit interactions:
KAORU: Tends to be aggressive and a bad cook. Will cause displays of extreme protectiveness verging on self-sacrificing from RUROUNI KENSHIN. To avoid such displays, prevent your RUROUNI KENSHIN from seeing any KAORU units. Once one is spotted, his Protector Protocol will activate. Deactivation of this protocol is impossible.
SANOSUKE SAGARA: When first interacting with your RUROUNI KENSHIN, this unit will follow his Fighter-for-Hire programming. The source of this program is in SANOSUKE’s Zanbatou. After your RUROUNI KENSHIN breaks the Zanbatou, he and your RUROUNI KENSHIN will be friends. Do not leave the SANOSUKE unit unsupervised around any MEGUMI units.
YAHIKO: Small, loud, and aggressive. While always friendly with any RUROUNI KENSHIN units, the YAHIKO unit will be provoked to the point of attack by the mere sight of a KAORU unit or a SANOSUKE unit. KAORU units are more likely to retaliate. Keep a TSUBAME unit handy to keep the YAHIKO unit in check.
MEGUMI: Flirty and devious. Do not leave the MEGUMI unit in close proximity with RUROUNI KENSHIN for extended periods if a KAORU unit is nearby. The MEGUMI unit will purposely provoke the KAORU unit to the point of attack, and RUROUNI KENSHIN will get trapped in the crossfire. MEGUMI units will also provoke any nearby SANOSUKE units to the same result.
While your RUROUNI KENSHIN will become anxious if you attempt to replace his Pink Gi with a new one, he will keep himself mostly clean through his daily chores. However, it is recommended that you give your RUROUNI KENSHIN a thorough cleaning at least once per week. While your RUROUNI KENSHIN may have issues with modesty at first, it is imperative that you assist him until he gets the hang of modern plumbing.
For your convenience, we have provided the following step-by-step process for cleaning:
1) Remove Gi and Hakama and untie ponytail
2) Dump bucket of cold water over head of RUROUNI KENSHIN
3) Rub shampoo into hair
4) Repeat step 2
5) Repeat step 3
6) Repeat step 4
7) Rub conditioner into hair
8) Repeat step 6
9) Scrub rest of body with soapy washcloth
10) Repeat step 8
11) Leave RUROUNI KENSHIN to soak in nice warm tub for an hour
When finished, rub RUROUNI KENSHIN dry with towel. Use a second towel for his hair. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not hang unit out on the line to dry. (It will be filled with laundry anyway!)
While needing to eat daily, your RUROUNI KENSHIN will happily accept whatever scraps of food you can bear to part with. However, it is recommended that you give your RUROUNI KENSHIN a minimum of three balanced meals a day consisting of rice, fish, soup, and tea. Your RUROUNI KENSHIN will be more than happy to prepare these meals himself.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: All of a sudden, my RUROUNI KENSHIN has been refusing to do any of his normal chores, has been seen running around in a really big red and white cape, and has been demanding sake and that I call him ‘Hiko Seijuro the Fourteenth’ at all times. What’s going on?
A: You are experiencing the infamous ‘Fourteenth Heir’ programming glitch. It is rare, but almost irreversible. Overexposure to a HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13.0) mixed with too many blows to the head is the usual cause. The only cure is to borrow a KAORU unit. Have the KAORU unit do a full day of instructing a YAHIKO unit, and then pair her with your RUROUNI KENSHIN. After she releases her frustration on him with the nearest heavy/pointed object(s), your RUROUNI KENSHIN will be cured with only a minimum of medical attention required.
Q: My kids have been using my RUROUNI KENSHIN as a model for dress-up, and have been complaining about his unsightly facial scars. Can they be removed?
A: Unfortunately, the cross-shaped scar is permanent. For any other scars, however, we recommend laser treatment. Please make certain you have a professional perform scar removal.
Q: How old is my RUROUNI KENSHIN? Can I register him to vote? Or get him to run for public office?
A: Your RUROUNI KENSHIN is shipped between the ages of twenty-eight and thirty, although his youthful appearance can cause some confusion. While he can be registered to vote, it is against the law for your RUROUNI KENSHIN to run for public office as he was manufactured in a different country. Besides, he won’t want to hold a key post in the government anyway.
Q: I have my RUROUNI KENSHIN do all the chores and work around the house, but lately he has been stuck in Moody Mode and I can’t seem to reset him. Is he working too hard?
A: Do you have any other units for him to interact with? The RUROUNI KENSHIN unit often becomes depressed when deprived of multiple social opportunities. Order the AYAME and SUZUME LITTLE SISTERS package - your RUROUNI KENSHIN will perk right up while still working as hard as ever!
Q: I lent my RUROUNI KENSHIN to trim my best friend’s hedges, but she’s lured him to stay at her house with all sorts of mindless chores! How can I get my RUROUNI KENSHIN back?
A: Unfortunately, this problem is very commonplace. Do to the limited supply of RUROUNI KENSHIN units, many people are willing to steal him rather than pay us. Fortunately there is a sure-fire solution. For a small fee, hire out one of our ANGRY VILLAGER MOB sets for a day. They will go to the current location of your RUROUNI KENSHIN and begin protesting his presence there, triggering the guilt-stricken-past failsafe program. He will then leave your friend’s house, never to be seen there again, and your RUROUNI KENSHIN should eventually return to you in a year or less. Pretend you’ve never met him before to deactivate the failsafe.
Q: When I first opened up my RUROUNI KENSHIN, instead of being a short guy who has a sword, long red hair and a cross-shaped scar, it was a short guy with no sword who has short dark hair and never stops smiling all the time. What gives?
A: Your order was mixed up, apparently. You have accidentally received our other Wandering Swordsman, a SETA SOJIRO unit. On the other hand, you have received a free SETA SOJIRO unit. Deal with it!
Problem: After years of faithful service and hard work, your RUROUNI KENSHIN has suddenly stopped being able to use his sword or the Hiten Mitsurugi Style. He has become very depressed because of this.
Solution: Unfortunately, the intense strain of Hiten Mitsurugi causes the RUROUNI KENSHIN to eventually wear out his ability to use it. To cure the depression, tell him to give his Sakabatou to the nearest YAHIKO unit and then send your RUROUNI KENSHIN to medical school.
Problem: Your RUROUNI KENSHIN is suddenly easily distracted and is often found in Moody Mode. When pressed, he admits that he has been dreaming ‘of his past’, and feels uneasy.
Solution: Make certain your RUROUNI KENSHIN is sleeping while leaning against the wall. If the dreams persist, then at least one SAITOU unit has been lurking around your home. Get an OKUBO unit to tell the SAITOU unit to bugger off. If the dreams still persist, check the expiration date of the food your RUROUNI KENSHIN consumes.
Problem: Your RUROUNI KENSHIN has vanished during the night, and you haven’t seen or heard from him since. Plus, your KAORU unit has been lying in bed crying and moping continuously.
Solution: This is the effects of what is called the time-to-wander-again program, usually activated by the death of any nearby OKUBO units. Go find the nearest SHISHIO unit and wait - your RUROUNI KENSHIN will come there to fight eventually. As for the KAORU, get a MEGUMI unit to straighten her out.
Problem: The cross-shaped scar on your RUROUNI KENSHIN has started and will not stop bleeding.
Solution: Bleeding scars are usually caused by guilt. If you have a KAORU unit handy, she can give your RUROUNI KENSHIN a pep talk that should stop the bleeding. Do not use a TOMOE unit for this, as it usually causes the scar to bleed more/causes new ones.
Problem: Your RUROUNI KENSHIN is accused of being a girl. Constantly.
Solution: This is a common occurrence with RUROUNI KENSHIN owners. Just in case, have a doctor double-check the gender of your RUROUNI KENSHIN. Sometimes, a gender switch can occur without anyone noticing it for a while. Have you left him unsupervised around any cursed springs?
With proper care and maintenance, your RUROUNI KENSHIN will lead a full and happy life while staying under your roof. His warranty is good for up to fifty years, at which point you should contact your local Shinto shrine to discuss burial procedures. If you can’t stand to not have a red-headed Japanese man living underneath your roof, buy or breed yourself a KENJI HIMURA of your very own. (Warning: we are not responsible for the behavior of any KENJI HIMURA units)
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