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My Confession

by link no miko ::: 01.Aug.2003

“Tsubame…”

She looked up from where she leaned over a table, washing it with a cloth. “Yes, Yahiko-kun?”

Her short hair fell around her face, framing it in a way that made my breath catch and my thoughts fly from my mind. Seventeen-year-old Tsubame was as beautiful as fifteen-year-old Tsubame, as beautiful as twelve-year-old Tsubame… I could go on. She was as beautiful as the day we met. Not, I conceded to myself, that I thought she was beautiful when we first met. That realization didn’t come until a few years later.

“Um…” I’d lost my train of thought. Damn it, but I hate it when I do that. “I…”

She giggled, and it sounded like chimes in the wind—soft and musical, soothing to the ear. “You’ve been doing that a lot lately, Yahiko-kun.”

I blinked, taken aback. “Been doing what lately?”

“Loosing your train of thought. Are you sure you haven’t been getting beat upside the head at practice?”

My eyes narrowed, and I shook my head. “No.” The only one who even had a remote chance of hitting me in the head was Kaoru, and she didn’t teach alongside me.

Her smile widened, and I suddenly remembered why I was here, in the Akabeko, helping her close up for the night. I was here to...to… I couldn’t even finish the thought or I knew my face would burn and she’d notice.

“Yahiko-kun?” I looked up at her as she called my name softly. Her eyes were narrowed in worry, her right hand held to her chest—a habit she’d had for as long as I knew her—and her left hand was reaching out slightly toward me. “Yahiko-kun, are you sure you’re all right? You’ve been drifting off for weeks, always loosing your train of thought and staring at nothing… Are you sure you’re all right?”

My heart lept at the thought that she was worried about me, and in some weird way, I didn’t want that feeling to go away, but I shook my head to indicate I was ok. “No, I’m fine. I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot lately.” About you, I almost added, but bit my tongue at the last instant. I wasn’t ready to open up that discussion, although I would eventually. After all, that was the reason I was there.

She sighed in relief, dropping her arms to her side. “That’s good. I don’t want you getting sick, or anything…”

“Are you that worried about me?” I asked teasingly, but I was surprised when she blushed and nodded, just a tiny bit. My heart started beating faster. “Really?”

She turned so she wasn’t facing me and then she nodded again. “Of course I am. You’re my good friend…”

My heart instantly slowed down as what she said sank in. Only a good friend, huh? We’d only been “good friends” for seven years now, couldn’t she get sick of that phase and move on? The familiar tinge of hurt I felt every time she said we were only friends crept into my chest, and I noticed my fist was clenched, and quickly shook it out. No point in getting worked up…although that was easier said than done. I knew I sure didn’t think of her as only a friend. …Not if my dreams and the tight feeling in my chest whenever I saw her meant anything.

“I see,” I heard myself say, a bit hollow in my own opinion. She must not have noticed the catch in my voice, because she only nodded again and went back to washing the tables. Wringing out the cloth, she focused all her energies into getting the dirt and grime off the table, effectively ignoring me. Not that I minded, because I was lost in my own thoughts.

I followed her around woodenly, not really noticing I was doing so. Instead, my mind was back in the past, at the last time I’d tried to tell her how I felt. I was almost sixteen, and I’d been walking her home. We passed under the tree where she’d fixed my sandal, and I stopped, watching the petals from the tree fall, picturing us standing there together. I’d had thoughts like that for a while now, since a little before my genpukku. But as I looked at the tree, I realized I was considered a man in swordsman terms, and an adult.

And Tsubame was there beside me, and I had suddenly wanted to turn and confess everything to her, even if everyone would laugh at me for being so forward and sentimental. But I wanted to so badly. I wanted to tell her that I thought of her all the time, that I was beginning to see her differently, and wouldn’t it be ok if we got married? After all, Kenshin first married when he was fifteen, and Kaoru when she was seventeen. Why couldn’t we at our age?

But I couldn’t do it. I looked at her and any courage I had flew away, and I was more than embarrassed at the fact those thoughts had even entered my mind. She was exceptionally pretty with her large brown eyes reflecting the cherry blossoms, and then she looked at me, and I felt a stab in my heart. She was looking at me the same way she always did—as a friend. And I felt like a stranger to her, like she didn’t know me at all. How could I make a confession when it felt like I didn’t even exist to her?

Since then I’d kept my feelings inside, hiding them the best I could, but it was taking its toll. My chest hurt so much every time I saw her I thought I could die, and I felt…other things, too. Things that didn’t make me proud to feel, but I couldn’t do a thing about. The stubborn part of me was in full control, and kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to embarrass myself in front of her by being rejected.

I was brought out of my reverie when I nearly ran into her. She’d just finished, and was standing up straight and rubbing the small of her back, one eye trained on me. Before she could ask what I was thinking of (I could see that she wanted to), I offered to take the bucket outside and dump the dirty water out beside the well. Tsubame nodded and whispered a quiet “thank you” as I took the heavy bucket and went out the back door, through the kitchens and to the yard area behind the restaurant.

As I set the bucket down on the lip of the well after dumping out the water on the ground, I looked up at the night sky, half-closing my eyes. The moon was out, illuminating the sky with her smiling face, and I stared back, slightly mesmerized.

“A crescent moon,” I muttered to myself, still looking up.

“’The smiling moon,’” I heard a voice behind me and turned my head quickly, slightly startled that Tsubame had followed me outside. She was also looking at the sky, her hands clasped before her in that way that was just…well, her. “That’s what my mother called it when I was little. I know it’s childish, but I still like to call it that.”

“It’s not childish, it’s cute,” I muttered and felt my face burn. I cannot believe I said that. “I mean…”

She laughed and shook her head, walking forward so that she was beside me. “You don’t have to worry. I won’t tell anyone you just said that.”

I frowned. “Damn straight.”

Her answering smile made my knees weak. “You’re a sweet boy, Yahiko-kun.” Damn it, why could she do this to me? All she had to do was smile, and I know I would have done anything for her. And it was worse than aggravating because, as strongly as I felt, she still only thought of me as a “good friend.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t agree,” I said lamely, trying to fight the blush creeping up my cheeks. I was almost eighteen-years-old, I shouldn’t have been blushing at all to begin with.

She didn’t say anything to that, but instead just stood there with me, looking down at her hands. I watched her out of the corner of my eye, watched how the moonlight cast a glow around her. Noticed how her hair shone in the light, and her skin glowed pale. I licked my lips and tried to avert my gaze, to look at anything but her, but I couldn’t.

She was just so beautiful.

“Tsubame..” I said, gathering my courage. I’d fought bandits, samurai and all sorts of evil men, and I’d faced them openly, not letting my fear control me. But this… I was more scared of this than anything I’d ever faced. If she didn’t feel the same way, I didn’t know what I would do.

“Yes?” She finally lifted her gaze from the ground and looked over at me, her eyes shining in the moonlight. Or was that just curiosity in her gaze?

“Um…I…” I wanted to kick myself. Just say it, damn it! Say it, say it, say it! Stubbornness and fear be damned, just say it! I chanted that mantra for a few more seconds, knowing my silence must have made her wonder.

Finally I ground out, “I… I wanted to talk to you,” and then my voice faltered, and I looked away, my face red. I made myself continue, even if my voice was barely above a whisper. “I wanted to talk to you about something…I’ve been thinking of lately…” I winced at how terribly lame that sounded.

She bit her bottom lip, casting her gaze back to the ground. “Oh…ok. What…what did you want to talk about?”

I mentally kicked myself. Tsubame must have thought I wanted to tell her something terrible, the way I sounded. I tried to indiscreetly get a closer look at her face, and noticed her eyes shone with something other than moonlight. They weren’t very noticeable, but she had tears pricking the corners of her eyes. As I watched her, I realized the cool autumn night had become surprisingly cold, and I shivered.

“Tsubame, I… It’s not anything bad!” I rushed that last part out, turning to her and touching her shoulder gently with my right hand. She looked up at me slowly, and I noticed that she did, indeed, have tears in her eyes. My hand tightened on her shoulder slightly. “It’s not anything bad,” I repeated softly. At least, I hoped it wasn’t.

“I…” She started, then pulled away a bit. “I never thought it was,” she lied, and I sighed.

“I just… Well, I’ve been thinking about…us,” my face caught fire instantly and she looked at me, startled, “and about our friendship. You’re my best friend, but…” I had no idea how to finish that sentence. What was I going to say? ‘You’re my best friend, but I don’t think I can think of you like that anymore because I love you more than anything?’ I nearly laughed at myself. Yeah, that would go down just perfect with her.

“But what?” She asked, and a string of curses flew through my mind. She just had to ask me that, didn’t she? I was hoping she’d just laugh in her usual way when I said things that didn’t make sense, and we could drop the subject. A coward’s way out, I knew, but damn it, this was hard!

“But…I…” Gods, why was this so hard to do? I’m a swordsman, you would think I had the courage to confess to a girl I’d loved for years. And now the wind was picking up and I was freezing. “I…”

She closed her eyes and shook her head, taking a step back from me. “It’s ok,” she said softly, and I noted a hint of pain in her voice. “If you don’t want to tell me, it’s ok.”

“That’s not it!” I said, startling us both. We’d been speaking in whispers for a while, a normal tone voice sounded like a shout. “That’s not it,” I repeated softer, walking towards her, but she kept stepping away from me, and each of her backwards steps hurt me physically. “It’s just that I have no idea what I’m doing, and to tell the truth I’m a little bit scared.” There. I hoped that my admitting something like that would be enough proof to her that I meant every word I said. She knew I hated to admit anything other than “I’m right.”

“Yahiko-kun…” Apparently I was right, because she nodded and clasped her hands tighter before her, and when I took another step towards her she didn’t keep backing away from me.

So, it was now or never, I thought, taking a deep breath. I was finally going to do the thing I’d wanted to do for years. But that fear from before still remained and I found myself really hoping that, if she didn’t feel the same way as me, that we could still be friends. It might be an awkward friendship, but at least I could still see her.

I heard myself speaking, not really knowing what I was saying but letting the words come out on their own. “You’re my best friend, but you’re more than that, too. You mean a lot to me—more than I can say, I think. We’ve been friends forever, and I,” I faltered a bit when I met her gaze, but I pushed myself forward. “I love you.”

Her eyes widened and those tears finally fell, and I winced. Damn it, the last thing I wanted to do was make her cry. Turning my head away, I clenched my fists at my sides, my jaw clenched tight.

“I’m sorry,” I ground out through my teeth, and walked past her, refusing to meet her gaze again. I didn’t have to look at her to know that she was still crying, and I knew I had to leave before I made things worse. “I’m sorry if I’ve done something terrible but… I’ve been wanting to tell you forever, ever since...” I dropped that train of thought and shook my head. “I never meant to hurt you, though.” I meant it, too. Every word.

As I walked past her, almost to the door that led into the Akabeko’s kitchens, I felt a tug on my shirt and stopped, surprised.

“Yahiko-kun, I…” She leaned against my back, her small hands gripping the fabric of my shirt tight. “I’m not mad at you, Yahiko-kun.”

My eyes widened even more, the pain in my chest lightening considerably. “You’re not?” I couldn’t stop the words before they came out, and I knew I must have sounded stupid. “You mean it? But…you’re crying…”

“I’m crying because…well, because I’m happy.”

Now that didn’t make any sense.

“You’re crying because you’re happy?”

She nodded against my back, and it was a lovely feeling. I could get used to her body pressed against mine, I’m sure of it. Memories of that time in front of the tree surfaced; of me wanting to take her in my arms, to hold her forever. And then, words I never expected to hear outside my dreams broke through my consciousness. “Yes. Because I love you too, Yahiko-kun.”

My heart was jumping all over and I was having trouble breathing, but I managed to turn around and lift her chin, bringing her lips to mine. The large part of me that was still the young cocky Yahiko, that thought I was being terribly old and sentimental, was screaming and jumping up and down in my head, but I ignored it. I was only focused on one thing, and that was how soft she felt as I kissed her. It wasn’t a deep kiss, more like a light touch of our lips, but it was enough.

I pulled away a few seconds later and hugged her to me. Her face and hands pressed into my chest, and I rested my chin on the top of her head. Yes, I could definitely get used to her body pressed against mine.

We stood that way, not speaking, for I don’t know how long. All I know is the wind wasn’t cold anymore.

She finally pulled away from me, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. I still didn’t like the western dresses she wore as her Akabeko uniform, but I did have to admit she was cute in them.

“I’m sorry for crying,” she managed to say, and I smiled crookedly. I could feel the normal, cocky Yahiko coming back into control after I’d so rudely shoved him aside while kissing her.

“It’s ok. I’m sorry for making you cry, even if it wasn’t for the reason I thought it was.”

She smiled. “You’re apologizing an awful lot, Yahiko-kun. Are you sure you’re all right?”

I nodded and reached for her right hand, taking it in mine. “I guess it just means I’ve used up my quota for the year.”

She laughed again and followed me back into the Akabeko. I walked us past the kitchens and into the main eating area, and we would have kept going but she planted her feet, effectively bringing us to a stop.

“Um….Yahiko-kun…”

“Yeah?” I turned to look at her, and a small blush graced her cheeks.

“Why… What made you want to tell me this? So suddenly, that is…”

I blushed again. I’d been doing that a lot lately… “Well, I was walking through town, and I saw a young couple…about our age, actually.” The heat was unbearable. “And the girl was buying cloth for a…” my face reached a new shade of red, I know it did, “…a wedding kimono, and I just realized that, um…” This was so terribly embarrassing. I couldn’t tell her that I was picturing her buying that cloth, with me beside her. I wasn’t that courageous yet. Nor could I tell her that seeing the couple was the last in a long line of things that made me want to tell her, all starting with that walk home two years ago. “Well, I realized I never told you how I felt, and um… Yeah. That’s it.” I’m still surprised my face didn’t actually burst into flames that night.

She looked at me strangely, and I have no idea what she was thinking. But then she smiled that smile that makes me weak and hugged me.

“I’m glad you saw them, then.”

I hugged her back, resting my chin on her head again. Her hair smelled nice, like lavender. I never noticed that before. And she fit perfectly in my arms, her smaller body smooth and soft where mine was hard muscle. I wanted to stay like that forever, and I would have, if my sense of propriety didn’t get the best of me.

“I think…we have to go now. It’s getting late; I don’t want you to get in trouble…”

She shook her head against my chest. “It’s ok. I live with Tae-san, and she knows where I am. But I guess it is getting late…” The bitterness in her voice was obvious, and I laughed.

“I’ll walk you home.”

She nodded into my chest. “I’d like that.”

I hugged her tightly one last time, kissing the top of her head lightly, then took her hand in mine, and we left the Akabeko into the cool autumn night.