Genre

Rating

Spoiler Level

Introspection

by Rainchaser ::: 20.Nov.2003

Good afternoon, koishii. The others are all out for a change, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to sneak in here without them fussing over me like a group of mother cats with only one kitten.

It still seems a little odd, to walk in here and see two shrines instead of just the one. You'd think I'd be used to it by now... ah well. My father couldn't be in better company, and I like to think of you watching over the dojo and its students, just like you used to do in life.

It's a lovely day today, with the sunlight spilling into the dojo and turning the floorboards the colour of rich honey - they're so close to the colour of my kimono it's almost as if I've become part of the floor as I kneel here. It smells of incense, too - it always does, but somehow it seems stronger than usual... ah, I see. Someone else has been in here burning incense before me, haven't they? It was probably Yahiko, I'm guessing - he still finds the sakabatou a heavy burden at times, or perhaps he just wanted a quiet word. Much like me, ne?

You know, it's odd, koishii. I can still remember the first time we met, in that alleyway, as if it was yesterday... and yet, I find I can't quite remember your face anymore. I remember the hair, of course - how could anyone forget that? But the details... the details are fading, like a kimono that's been washed too many times and is losing its colour. What an odd comparison to make. Or maybe... maybe it's not so odd, for I remember clearly how you'd sit and do the laundry, wearing that faded old gi of yours. But I just can't quite see you anymore.

I can't quite remember your voice anymore either, koishii. I feel guilty for that, and sad. I try to recall it, but I never can - except in dreams. When I dream, it's as if it's all real again, as if I was there. I always wake, though... and for a few moments I can see your face again. Just for a moment, and then it always fades, and all the wishing in the world won't bring it back. I guess it's only to be expected, but it seems wrong that the memories of you fade just like all the others. You should be different.

Some things bring the memories back, though. Perhaps that's why I still wear this ribbon, even though I can't begin to remember the number of times they've tried to get me to stop wearing it. I guess it looks a little silly, wearing a frayed scrap of cloth when I have so many ribbons that are so much prettier. To me, though, this length of frayed pink cotton is far more valuable than all the ribbons in Tokyo.

It looks right with this kimono, too. I often don't bother wearing anything other than a yukata now, but today... today it felt right. It's too large for me now, and hangs loosely - but I don't care. You know why, don't you? You remember going shopping just before you left that last time, and how I took you round almost every clothing stall in the market. It was clever of Kaede-san to point out how the blossoms on the kimono were exactly the same colour as your gi. I think we'd still have been there the following day if she hadn't said that...

And then the next day you left, leaving me behind again. I wore the kimono then, remember? I never got the chance to tell you, but I didn't wear it after that - not even when I went down to the port to check the ships. I was saving it until you'd come home again, but you didn't for so long, and then...

I'm wearing it now, though. I would have waited one more day, but I know they wouldn't understand, and they'd fuss too much. They won't leave me alone tomorrow, I know it. They haven't forgotten, that it will be exactly five years since you came back that last time... and so I thought I'd wear it today, instead. Maybe I'll wear it tomorrow, too... I'm sure Megumi will understand, even if the others don't. Yes, she's still here - she's been back to Aizu sometimes, but mostly she's been living in the dojo. It's good to have more people living here - it doesn't feel so empty.

Maybe Sano will turn up one of these days before it's too late, and we'll all be back together again. There was another letter from him not long ago... he seems to be doing well enough, although he never gives us any indication of where we should send letters back to him... I guess he moves around too much. I wish we could tell him about you, although I sometimes get the feeling from his letters that he knows. I wonder... does he? Did he, somehow...? I guess I'll never know.

My knees are beginning to ache from kneeling here. At least the floor is polished smooth enough that I don't have to worry about splinters. I ought to go back to bed, but I don't want to move. I left the door of the dojo open, and the afternoon sun is so warm on my back... I think I'll just sit here for a while and watch the smoke from the incense. It's oddly soothing just sitting here watching it, with no breeze to disturb it...

...Mou! Someone must have heard me thinking that. The smoke isn't nearly as soothing when it's blown in your face and gives you a coughing fit. I wonder what caused the breeze... ah! Yahiko's back - I can hear him clattering around outside, doing his best to be quiet. He still hasn't got any better at that, you know.

He worries about me. They all do, although the others hide it better. Still, we all know it won't be long until even Megumi's best efforts won't keep me in this world any longer. Poor Megumi... losing two of her closest friends to a disease she can't cure - it must hurt her terribly.

I can't say that I'm sorry it won't be long. In some ways, I could wish Megumi wasn't quite such a good doctor. I wouldn't ever tell her that to her face, but I'm sure she's guessed. As long as neither of us says anything, we can keep pretending, and everything is fine.

I wonder, sometimes. Are you really gone, or are you here, waiting for me? I could swear sometimes that I feel you standing just behind me, or that you're in the kitchen, waiting to help prepare dinner... Not that I've ever told the others that, except Misao. I wouldn't even have told her, but she was the one who asked me... and then told me about the time with Hannya at the Aoiya. I hope I'm right, and that you're waiting for me when I finally leave this world.

Maybe by then you'll have managed to find peace with yourself... ah, but I grow forgetful. Your scar faded, didn't it? I hope that means what I think it did, that you finally found how to forgive yourself...

If you haven't, then the afterlife had better have plenty of bokken available.