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Absolution: Chapter 3 - Devils of the Past

by Sakusha

Dusk fell on our last day of travel, and though we could have made it into town late that night, we both opted for a fresh start in the morning, so we made camp just outside town.

I started a small fire and Youji prepared the fish we had caught the day before. I really liked this kid, and I was genuinely at ease traveling with him. I was almost sorry that we would be marching into town tomorrow.

Youji had grown quiet after dinner, his eyes lost in the flames and mind somehow far away. I laid the bedrolls out, and started getting things ready for the morrow. Something was obviously troubling the young man. I opened my mouth to ask what was bothering him, but I caught the words before they came out. Conversation was not something I knew well, and so I sat to meditate on what I might say that would open the door.

“We used to eat fish just like this,” He said. That statement was directed more at the fire than at me. Youji gave a half-hearted smile at no one in particular. “ You kinda remind me of him.”

I was honored that Youji had decided to open up to me. “Who?” I asked.

“ My brother. He used to take me fishing.” Youji went back to eating his forgotten meal. “ There’s a stream just behind the shrine in Shingatsu. Full of fish. He took me all the time.”

Shingatsu?…couldn’t be.

“ He was almost a master at Kendo too. My father taught it. He was going to teach me so that I could be as good as him.”

I could feel me heart pounding wildly and suddenly I wasn’t so eager for him to speak. It could not possibly be the same place…

“ There were some people,” he went on “They wanted our home. They..”

No! I don’t want to know… Please. But I found myself suddenly paralyzed, and all I could do was listen quietly to Youji’s sad tale.

“ First a lot of men attacked us, but my father and brother were really strong, and they sent them away. I was smaller then, my father didn’t want me to get hurt. He sent me to my aunt in the next village cause he was afraid that they would send more people.” Youji looked up from the fire to meet my eyes, “ They did.”

(( FLASHBACK))

“Soujirou.”

“Yes Shishio-sama.”

“There seems to be some rodents taking up room at my new base camp. Exterminate them.”

“ Yes Shishio-sama.”

((END FLASHBACK))

GOD NO!

The pain in my heart was so that I thought I would be struck dead in that moment. Did he see his father’s killer when he looked into my eyes?

“I never saw them again.”

With a heavy sigh Youji left the campfire, cleaned up from the evening’s meal and set his mat more to his liking for the night. “It’s times like these that I miss them the most.”

How could I? Who am I? Murderer!

‘They were weak’ I heard in the back of my brain, in Shishio’s deep baritone voice of authority. ‘No! They were a caring father and a loyal son, defending their home, their family’ I shot back.

My world was suddenly spinning and I stood up shaking.

Youji glanced my way, concern in his voice, “You ok?”

No, no I’m not ok… I slaughtered a family!

“Sick,” I managed, not looking at him, “ Fish didn’t agree.” I said slipping into the brush behind me, and then I ran. I ran and remembered…

((FLASHBACK))

“ Sir, your weakness has already determined the outcome of this fight. Leave now and Shishio-sama may show you mercy.”

“Boy,” the older man panted with exhaustion and determination, “This shrine has been my family’s home for five generations. If you want it you will have to take it.”

“So be it.”

A scream, “ FATHER!”

“Don’t worry. You will be joining your father right now.”

((END FLASHBACK))

A single stroke for each. A simple, graceful flick of the wrist. I could not see from all the tears in my eyes. The bile rose in my throat, and I stopped running, falling to my knees.

What have I done? I never thought..

But that was the point, wasn’t it. I didn’t think, I obeyed. That was what a mindless lackey did.

‘Yes Shishio-sama.’

‘Yes Shishio-sama.’

‘That’s my good little Ten-ken’

I cried and vomited until I could no longer. I wished Himura-san had reversed his sakaba and run me through with it. I wanted Kami to strike me dead at that moment and be done with it. You are a coward. You are a murderer. You are nothing.

I knew. I knew all those years of wielding a sword in Shishio-sama’s name had caused pain and suffering. But I never in my life had I imagined I could be the cause of this child’s suffering. Oh Himura-san, you were wrong. I could not possibly repay what I have done. Least of all to this boy. I took his father, his brother, his home, his happiness. And not once did I consider the consequences of my actions.

In the distance I could hear someone calling my name. Youji is probably wondering where I am. I don’t think I can look into those eyes, knowing what I’ve done. Slowly I stood up, still shaking, I wrapped my armed around myself and forced myself to breath deeply.

“Soujirou.”

“ Be there in a minute”, I called back through the trees.

How do I make this right? I cannot. The wounds I dealt this boy’s father and brother were mortal and swift. But there were living victims of my crimes.

I turned around and made my way back to camp. Youji stood by the fire looking worried.

“Sorry, Youji.”

“What’s wrong with you? You look like hell.” Youji smiled a bit to lessen the sting of the insult.

“Got sick. Didn’t mean to make you worry.” I tried to smile a bit as well, but I know a failed miserably. I couldn’t quite meet his eyes.

“Well.. Ok. Hope you feel better in the morning, cause I want to get there early and make a good impression with my uncle. I really hope he likes me.”Youji crawled into his bedroll and yawned, “ G’night Soujirou.”

“G’night Youji.”

He didn’t see it but I flinched at his words feeling like the very devil to receive kindness from him. I sat against a tree, away from the fire watching him sleep. I sat like that for a long time. I could not erase my sins. But perhaps I could protect this one innocent child that had lived through the tragedy I have created.