Kendo no Go
In the Language of Kendo:
A Fanfic in 100 Chapters
by Akai Kitsune
06: Within
~*~
"Kenshin," Kaoru had said to him
very seriously one day, when she caught him doing Yahiko's
neglected chores again, "You're too kind for your own good,
sometimes."
For days, he had agonized over that statement. Too kind.
How can one be too kind? Is caring for others such a crime now,
that too much of it would get you into trouble? It didn't make
any sense to him. Although when his kindness was mistaken for
something else, it often seemed to earn him no small amount of
pain from Kaoru's bokken... perhaps that was what it meant.
You think too much. You work too often. You're too quiet.
You fight too hard against what you need to have to live.
That one always hurt him, somehow, even though it was from his
own head - or heart - and not Kaoru's. It wasn't so much that he
fought against it... he just didn't know how to respond to it.
That's all.
Right?
He didn't care much when people pushed him
around. They could throw things at him, make him look like a
fool, anything they liked. If he hadn't tolerated that, he would
not have married someone like Kaoru. But above all else, he hated
when people tried to harm those he loved.
You fight too hard for what you need to love.
There wasn't much depth to him, people must have thought.
There was only the idiot, the fool, the smiling, laughing,
rurouni exterior that everyone mocked and used for their
amusement. Which was fine, since in a way it amused him as well.
To see others with their opinions so clearly on their faces. To
see them laugh and walk away, thinking he was beaten, when all
the while he was laughing to himself and thinking - although the
laughter stopped at this - how he could have killed any one of
them a hundred times already. Lucky them, he thought wryly,
recalling his sword. His vow. The laughter would always stop.
No, there wasn't much depth to him, certainly not on the
outside, where people were watching. He had very thick skin. But
skin can only go so far before the heart is open and bleeding for
the world to see. Skin can only protect you from so much.
Sometimes, skin can be broken and, of course, left to bleed.
'You can only bleed so much before you drown.'
Kenshin liked visiting the Akabeko with
Kaoru, even though he often felt uncomfortable in a public place,
where everyone could see him. He never spoke of it - he refused
to ruin her good moods - but he had always been afraid of being
recognized. There had been far too many confrontations regarding
his identity in his past life, though most had occurred closer to
Kyoto.
He hated the fact that he was so different, so distinct - not
only with the scar, but his hair, as well - that made it
annoyingly easy for even the most ignorant citizen to realize who
he was. Strangely enough, it was those two startling traits that
everyone else - including himself - could only curse, that made
Kaoru so attached to him. She was vehement anytime he mentioned
changing his hair, which explained her initial fury at his
haircut. He couldn't understand why, but half the things she did
were beyond him, anyway.
It was surprising, how many drunks seemed to frequent the
Akabeko when they visited. 'Tae must be going out of her mind,
having to deal with this,' he often thought with a mild
smile. As long as they didn't get violent, they were endured.
Sometimes they did get violent, though, and he was forced to
intervene. At least, he tried to; most of the time, Yahiko and
Sanosuke jumped at the chance to have a free-for-all. The most
action he had ever gotten was a sake bottle - still full, he
remember ruefully - smashed over his head. He also remembered
Kaoru's concerned, annoyed face staring down at him, loudly
demanding to know if he was all right.
"Of course," he had replied with
a bright smile, even though his ears were ringing, and he was
certain there was a chunk of glass still attached to his scalp,
"I'm just fine, Kaoru-dono."
Her eyes narrowed, and she pulled him up with one quick motion
that set his head spinning. "Then do something! You can't
let people do that to you! Do something!"
He shrugged, without the antagonism she sought from him.
"Do what?" he replied, very quietly.
She never answered him. He supposed it was too complex for him
to understand, as usual. The important things, the things he
needed to understand, were always the ones that he never would,
no matter how he tried.
~*~
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