Kendo no Go
In the Language of Kendo:
A Fanfic in 100 Chapters
by Akai Kitsune
09: Yama
~*~
Kaoru didn't like the mountains very much.
She was always wary of them, so vast and high above her, the
trail long, and the goal unrewarding. She felt this way for a
long time - although it mostly stemmed from a particular mountain
near the city of Kyoto. The mountain that Kenshin nearly died on,
fighting someone who should never have been alive in the first
place.
It scared her; the thought of him facing a madman alone - even
with Sano and the policeman she had yet to trust - and the
possibility that he might not return. Or, if he returned, he
would not be alive to accept her greeting. It scared her to think
that there was someone out there in the world that could match
him in skill, ability, and strength.
It scared her to think about a life without him.
Kioku would have called her foolish, she was sure of it.
"Marry a man you can love," she had said. "A man
who loves you." Yet she was distrustful of soldiers, other
than her own husband. She did not like the idea of living under
the same roof as a man who fought for a living; an assassin was
something she would not have tolerated.
Although Kenshin wasn't an assassin anymore, his past wasn't
something easily erased. Even Kaoru, who claimed to not care at
all, had to admit that. After all, how could she forget, when his
eyes spoke as a reminder of it every day? He would smile,
cheerfully and full of joy, but there was always a slight
restraint in that same smile, a darkness and a deep sorrow in his
eyes. She often wondered about what he must have been thinking
of, to carry such a sadness inside at all times. Even as he had
turned to her, bright and full of confidence, and responded with
ease, "Yes, we'll all go back to Tokyo together."
Actions speak louder than words, yet they are always so much
harder to carry out. He nearly died that night; nearly broke his
first real promise to her. He nearly shattered her heart into a
million irreplaceable pieces, even if it wasn't really his fault.
Certainly not his fault that he was the only obstacle in a
madman's quest to tear apart their country, something her brave
rurouni couldn't allow at any cost. Not after all he had done to
create their current era.
No, Kenshin had accepted that challenge, and he had paid the
price. Everyone had been faithful, so trusting. "Kenshin
will come back." But not under his own power: Sano had been
forced to carry him back, unconscious and still bleeding heavily.
Only the skills of the doctors of Kyoto - and Megumi, when she
finally arrived - saved his life, and kept his promise to her.
We'll all go back. And that faith, that trust, had
faded in the moonlight, as his life seemed to ebb from his body
and onto the ground as he lay, dying, fighting to live, even as
his body cried, enough, enough, I have fought enough on this
day.
But there were other mountains to climb,
other obstacles to face. Mount Ueno, where Yukishiro Enishi
announced his final vengence for the murder of his sister. Enishi
himself, who stood in the way of everything they had fought for
to hold Kenshin to their family. And then, of course, there was
hesitation itself, as he struggled with his own thoughts of what
their future should hold. He was stained, scarred, guilty, too
dirty for her.
Kenshin no baka.
She wondered vaguely if he ever grew sick of her verbal abuse.
Sometimes she was a little harsh - although he did deserve it,
mostly - but often she couldn't really help it. It was his fault
for not listening to her, anyway.
But then she wondered if Tomoe had ever hit him. If she ever
called her quiet, amber-eyed husband an idiot. She doubted it.
Tomoe seemed perfect. She was capable of everything a wife was
expected to do - in fact, she probably did everything Kenshin did
in their family. Kaoru hated that; hated that his past wife could
do more than she could. How was she supposed to compare with
that?
"She was not perfect."
'Okay, so Kenshin doesn't feel that way,'
Kaoru sighed to herself as she moped, experimenting with her
latest cooking endeavour. 'But he always says things to make
me feel better! She may not have been perfect, but she was better
than me...'
'But I'm still alive... iie, that's not fair at
all...'
Her own fears and niggling doubts seemed like mere molehills
compared to his past. She couldn't understand how he made things
appear to be so easy - through his smile, his casual attitude,
his rare, yet heartfelt laughter - when to her, it seemed as if a
man carrying the memories that he did would feel the pain of it,
constantly.
'He does, though,' she reminded herself
with a tight frown. 'He tries so hard to hide it, but now that
I know him so much better... I can tell how he feels...'
'But never... never what he thinks...'
She often found it frustrating, how he could leave his heart
open to the world, but at the same time close his mind so tightly
that no one could catch even a glimpse of his thoughts. But what
could she do? She was simply one part of his life, one section of
his soul - 'And an important part, if he knows what's good
for him!' - and there would always be a portion of his heart
that forever denied her access.
And... that was all right. So long as he was with her, it
would be all right.
~*~
|