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The Hitokiri Stainmaster: Chapter 7 - War of the Poofs

by Angrybee ::: 05.Jun.2004

"Shishio-sama, I found this gentleman wandering around behind the Laundromat. He says he wants to speak to you," Houji said, ushering Aoshi Shinomori into the room.

"That'll be all, greasy minion," Shishio replied, flicking his fingers lazily at Houji to dismiss the oil-covered man. They'd dipped him in peanut oil, but had forgotten to boil it beforehand. Houji was, frankly, beginning to reek. Shishio sighed inwardly. Minions were such trouble. You had to torture them psychologically, emotionally, physically. It really became such a nuisance. Beating them. Setting them on fire. Covering them with whipped cream. Dressing them up in frilly smocks. Taking them out to utterly yummy shoe sales. Shoe sales! Ahh. The complete terror of finding the right strappy sandal. Oh wait. Right. This Shinomori fellow.

"I've come about..." Aoshi began.

"Yes, yes, I know. Just a bit off the sides, if you would. I know there's not much to work with, but if you could give it a try. Yumi's just terrible at this sort of thing, you understand?"

"Excuse me?"

Shishio Makoto pulled at the sparse bits of hair sticking out between his bandages, "Just can't do a thing with it. Perhaps I need some hair extensions, you know?"

"What are you..."

"Have to look my best for the duel with the Hitokiri Stainmaster," Shishio continued, "Give me something fierce. A bold statement. Something strong. Can you possibly make me look like Vin Diesel?"

Aoshi Shinomori's fingers inched towards his kodachis. Oh, he'd give this moron a bit of a trim, alright. He'd chop all of the man's hair off, and the rest of his head, too, with one quick blow. "First of all, Vin Diesel is bald. Second of all, I am not a hairdresser!"

"Is that so?"

"Yes!"

Shishio leaned back in his plush chair with a huff. "Well, I mean, look at you, anyone could make the mistake."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your hair is trimmed neatly. You're wearing that ostentatious trenchcoat. And...well..." Shishio shrugged and motioned towards Aoshi's feet. "Aren't your shoes Italian? I mean, seriously. Anyone might mistake you for a poof. And, since most poofs are good with hair, I just figured..."

"I am not a poof!! I AM A NINJA!" Aoshi drew his kodachis, flailing them around in the air with great aplomb, "See?"

"Ooo. Calm down there, big boy. No need to wave around your long, hard, instruments of torture. No need to thrust them about in the air so...forcefully. I mean, to each his own. If you dig men..."

"Look. Would you please just listen for a moment? I'm here for the Stainmaster."

Shishio's eyes grew wide as he leaned forward with interest, "Really? I always thought he was a bit girly, but frankly, I never figured he'd go for the tall, severe, kodachi-waving type. Though, there was this doujinshi with you...and Himura..."

Aoshi's shoulders dropped as he sheathed his kodachis and put his fingers against his temple. He was beginning to have -quite- a headache. "No, you idiot, I'm here to -kill- him."

"Lover's quarrel?"

"NO. I AM HERE TO AVENGE THE DEATHS OF MY COMRADES!"

"You mean Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin?"

"NO! HANNYA, SHIKIJO, HYOTOKKO AND BESHIMI!"

"Oh?" Slowly, a light came on in the mind of Shishio Makoto. A blue light. Kind of like at K-Mart, when things went on sale. Or maybe more like the blue light of a police car. Except, you know, without the red light, or the siren, or a car. Well, alright, maybe more like one of those bug zappers. Dimly glowing, making an annoying humming sound, occasionally crackling as suicidal neurons leapt from Shishio Makoto's psychotic head. Yes. A light like that. "OH! Sensational! Right on. Good to meet you, then. Hold on. Are you...perchance...evil? I really only hire evil people."

"Fine. Yes. I'm completely evil. Just...tell me where the Stainmaster is," Shinomori mumbled, wondering Misao had invented aspirin yet.

"All in good time, my boy. He's fighting some of my minions at the moment. Yumi will show you to a room where you can wait for him. But, first..."

"Aa?"

"You said you're a ninja, right?"

"Aa."

"Good with those blades, and all? Very...precise?"

"Aa."

"Well, then, if you could just take a bit off the sides, I'd be ever so grateful."

Aoshi sighed. Such were the eternal torments of a truly accomplished shinobi. "Alright. But I'm not giving you a blow dry."

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After sending the heroic Yahiko off to escort Tsubame home, the Kenshingumi, led by the TenClean, scuttled into the next room. But, once there, they did not find their next opponent....

Instead, they found several guys playing cards.

"Shishou?" Kenshin blinked rapidly and stared at the three normal-sized, and one GIANT figure all sitting around a table, playing poker. "Shishou, why are you here?"

"Playing cards with some friends. What does it look like, baka deshi?" Hiko looked around the table, smirked and dealt himself another card. "Alright, if I win, you have to take my idiotic pupil back to your fandom."

"Does he turn into a girl?" Ranma asked, "Cause we can't have any more of that, over at our place."

"No," Hiko replied, motioning in the direction of Kenshin, "He just -looks- like a girl."

"Shishou! Sessha doesn't look like a girl! Sessha is merely of a diminutive stature. Sessha was -blessed- with radiant and unblemished skin, with willowy limbs and high cheekbones, with a dainty upturned nose. Sessha can't help it if he has a lean body and svelte hips which look like they could bear children."

After a brief amount of coughing, Hiko looked back at his cards, "Alright. You don't look like a girl. You look like a -woman-. That make you happier, you weepy little..."

"I'm very manly!"

"Shut up, I'm trying to bet. So, what about it, Inuyasha-kun? Deal?"

The white-haired boy lifted his foot and scratched his pronounced ears with it. "Deal. But, if I win, you have to take my brother. And no, Ranma, before you even ask, he doesn't turn into a girl. He turns into a dog."

"Hmmm," Hiko replied pensively, looking up at Fuji and then back at his cards, "Does he do anything useful?"

"He's good with a sword, is completely arrogant, and wears a lot of white clothing," Inuyasha replied, his ears twitching. Suddenly, Inuyasha wondered if Hiko had only invited him because of some sick joke about 'Dogs Playing Poker'.

"Hm." Hiko poured another cup of sake for Fuji as he considered the bet. "Sounds like my kind of guy. But, can this brother of yours -drink-, Inuyasha-kun?"

"I don't think he does. He does come complete with his own contingent of screaming fangirls, though."

"Excellent. Alright. How about you, Ranma? What's your bet?"

The dark haired youth shrugged and replied, "I'll give you my father. He's very useful if you, say, have an emergency requiring the use of a giant panda."

"And Fuji?"

Everyone looked up at the massive man, expectantly. Fuji blinked, once, twice, and then suddenly lurched to the side. Like a massive redwood, the giant man fell, landing on his side with a resounding thud.

"Is he dead?" Inuyasha asked.

"No," Hiko replied, "Just drunk."

Ranma tilted his head and poked the fallen warrior in the toe. "What should we do, Hiko-sama?"

"Haven't you ever heard the saying 'Let sleeping giants lie'? No? In that case, get my spelunking equipment, boys. We're going in through the nose."

"WHY THE HELL WOULD WE DO THAT?"

"Because he snorted a line of my pottery, and I want it back."

"Like hell," Inuyasha said, throwing his cards down, "There ain't no fucking way I'm going up Fuji-san's nose."

"Me neither," Ranma agreed.

"I've got pictures of Kagome and Akane naked."

"Into the nose it is!" Ranma and Inuyasha both stood up and immediately began preparing for the expedition.

Hiko, on the other hand, strode over to his baka deshi's party and looked down at them. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

Kenshin, looking not at all like a girl, and very manly indeed (cough), straightened his back and said, "We're going to save the laundry of Japan from EVIL, that we are!"

Hiko's left eyebrow twitched. Then Hiko's right eyebrow twitched. Then, the master of the Ajax Superscrubber Ryu leaned back, his hands on his hips and burst into the most powerful set of guffaws anyone ever heard. Everyone looked at each other in confusion. Hiko's laughter went on and on, and when he was finally finished, he reached down, patted Kenshin on the top of the head, and replied, "Whatever you say, m'boy."

"Shishou...that's not nice..." Kenshin squeaked, "Don't you remember? Sessha was the Hitokiri Stainmaster? Sessha traveled from one end of Japan to the other, stealing laundry, ruthlessly bleaching everything in sight..."

"Is -that- what you were doing?" Hiko asked, "Oh shit. I thought you just liked handling women's underthings."

"Shishou!"

"Either that or you were trying them on. You were, weren't you? Admit it, you cheeky little queen. I know you used my potter's paints as makeup from time to time."

"SHISHOU!"

"It's okay Kenshin," Kaoru finally said, putting her hand on the former Stainmaster's shoulder, "We've always known, you know...that you're a bit...well...effeminate."

"Kaoru-dono! Not you -too-!"

"Well, I did catch you trying on my kimono that time..."

"SESSHA WAS HEMMING IT!"

"And there was that time when you had Tsubame braid your hair so you could look pretty when you had tea with Suzume and Ayame."

"But..."

"Kenshin," Sanosuke said, "You once turned down my offer to go gambling so you could 'do your nails'."

"A good manicure is necessary for proper hygiene, that it is!"

"Shut up, Stainmaster," Saitou interjected, "Everyone knows you're a poof. I know it. These people know it. The Scrubbygumi knew it. In fact, if you'll refer to page twelve of this doujinshi..." Saitou reached into his shirt and pulled out the first object he found, "You'll see that all of Japan knows it."

"Um, Saitou...that's..."

"What a kawaiiiiiii puppy!" Misao screamed.

Saitou immediately stuffed the Okita-puppy back into his shirt. "Nevermind about the puppy. You did not see that puppy."

Kenshin crossed his arms and shifted his weight, "Well. At least Sessha doesn't entrap small animals in his clothing. Pervert."

"Well, baka deshi, I'll leave you to your...adventure. I have some pottery to retrieve," Hiko said, motioning towards Fuji's face, which, through the efforts of Ranma and Inuyasha now had ropes and climbing equipment strewn across it. "But, I will leave you with some words of wisdom which will not make any sense to you until you need them much further down the line. Are you ready? Everyone get ready. I am going to say something incredibly, ponderously, indubitably wise."

"Uhhh..." Sano looked at Misao, "Do you actually believe he's going to say something wise?"

"Does anyone?" Misao replied.

Hiko stood up straight and coughed into his hand several times. "Ahem. Ahem. Here we go."

"..." (All around Japan, crickets chirped.)

"Water, be it cold or hot, is wet. Water is very, very, wet."

"That's it?" Everyone asked in unison.

"Hey!" Ranma shouted as he stepped into Fuji's nose, "Quit making fun of me Hiko!"

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"Saitou..." Sanosuke asked quietly, "Why would you be reading a doujinshi featuring Kenshin, anyway?"

"Shut up, ahou." Saitou poked the squirming bundle in his shirt, "That goes for you too, Okita."

"Fuckin' Scrubbygumi poof," Sano muttered, shaking his head sadly.

----------------------------------

"Hey, that actually looks pretty good," Shishio said, peering at his reflection in the mirror being held up by Aoshi Shinomori, "Fabulous, actually. I look righteously evil with this hair style."

"Whatever. Are we finished?"

"Aren't you going to do my nails, Shinomori?"

"I AM NOT A BEAUTICIAN! I AM A NINJA! I STRIKE TERROR INTO THE HEARTS OF ALL WHO OPPOSE ME. I THINK ONLY OF MY REVENGE, of getting the STRONGEST DYE TO..."

"I'll do yours afterwards, if you want. Tinkerbelle pink. It'll bring out the brooding pathos in your eyes."

"Oh, alright."

(Five minutes later.)

"So I says to Yumi, I says, 'Bring me the flying monkeys.' And she handed me Henya. Isn't that hilarious? Oh darling, you should have seen it, the look on the Stainmaster's face when those puppies started coming out of the walls. It was priceless, I tell you. Just priceless. That Stainmaster, he's...well...you know..."

Aoshi looked up from painting Shishio's nails, his face locked in intense concentration. "He's a poof."

"You think so?"

"Are you kidding me? All of Japan knows that. Have you seen the way he prances around in that pink gi? I mean, take a look at page twelve of this doujinshi..."

"But, what about the girl, what's her name, Kamiya?"

"Fag hag."

"Seriously?"

"I am tho therious it isn't even funny."

"Hey, you just lisped, Shinomori!"

"Ahem. Yes, well," Aoshi returned to painting Shishio's nails, "Among the ninjas, lisping just means you're very virile and manly."

"Yeah," Shishio replied, rolling his eyes. "Right."

---------------------------------

"If you will follow Yumi-san," Soujirou said, motioning with his Yumi-puppet, "We'll move on to the next duel. This time, you face the monk. But, please remember, once you've gone inside, there's no turning back. So, shall we continue?"

"I'll take 'Get The Fuck On With It' for a thousand, Alex," Sano quipped.

"No, no, let's choose door number TWO!" Kaoru said, hopping up and clapping her hands with glee.

"Ooo. Big bucks, big bucks, NO WHAMMIES!" Misao screamed.

Saitou pushed his way to the front of the group. "Look, I'm going to fucking kick you all off the island if you don't shut up!"

"Ahem," Kenshin said quietly, "Sessha would like to remind you all that this isn't a game show. This is serious business, it is. There is evil involved. And laundry. And possibly also tacos, but I am still not quite sure how they fall on the scale of evil and good... Anyway, Soujirou-kun, if you would continue..."

"Are you sure you wish to go inside?" Soujirou asked.

"Yes. Sessha is certain."

"Is that your...final answer, Stainmaster?"

"Yes. That is my final answer."

"Alright," Soujirou said, opening the door and doing his best impression of Rod Roddy, "Himura Kenshin, COME ON DOWN! You're the next contestant on: The Price is White. Bleached white, that is. Tell him what he's won, Don Pardo."

As the door swung open, a man wearing monk's robes strode out into the hallway, slapped Kaoru on the ass and said, "Name's Miroku. And you've won the chance to bear my children."

"HEY! DO NOT TOUCH KAORU-DONO LIKE THAT!"

"What does it matter to you, poof?"

"SESSHA IS -NOT- A POOF!"

"That's not what this doujinshi says. See here, on page twelve..."

At that point, Kamiya Kaoru spun around and decked Miroku so hard that he lost consciousness. The monk hit the floor with a loud -thump-, and there he would lie until later collected by a snot-drenched Inuyasha.

"K...k...Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked timidly.

"Don't worry about it, Kenshin," Kaoru said, cracking her knuckles, "I'm man enough for the both of us."

As they strode inside Anji's room, Kenshin whispered to Kaoru, "Sessha was going to hit him, you know, for insulting your honor and all. You just didn't give me the chance."

"I know Kenshin. I know. I just didn't want you to break a nail."