This fan fiction is based on the Rurouni Kenshin manga. Rurouni Kenshin characters are the property of creator Nobohiro Watsuke, Shueisha, Shonen Jump, Sony Entertainment, and VIZ Comics. This is a non-profit work for entertainment purposes only. Permission was not obtained from the above parties.
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The Hitokiri Stainmaster: Chapter 6 - Henya's Habanero Hut


by Angrybee


"Meester TenClean, velcome to Henya's Habanero Hut! Ve are alvays quite honored to hhhhhhhhave you."

Soujiro bowed to the funny looking man in the paper hat. However, it was not the paper hat which made him look amusing. No. The amusing part came from the multicolor paper wings which were affixed to the man's back, and the feathers glued all over his body.

"What's with the foreign chicken?" Sano asked.

Soujiro, still holding a puppy-drool covered Yumi puppet said, "Henya, I would like you to meet..."

Henya held up one hand in protest, "Henya uses only zee real, freshest, most succulent meat in all zee world. Okay, maybe sometimes Henya uses zee cow eyeballs, or zee chicken beak, or zee monkey toes. Nonezeeless, you will like Henya's meat very mucho mucho!"

"No, no," Soujiro protested, shaking his head as violently as the Yumi-puppet's, slinging errant dog drool all over a nearby Yahiko, "I meant that I would like to introduce you to these people."

"Who are zay? New customers?"

"No. See... Well..." Soujiro shifted his weight, "They've come about the laundry."

"Ahhh. Zee laundry." A wicked smile crossed the little man's grease-covered mouth, "Would you like fries with that?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"In France, my dear Yumi, my succulent Velveeta," Shishio said, pulling his lover close, "They call it a Royale with Cheese."

"Really?" Yumi asked, attempting to nibble on Shishio's ear, but ending up with the nasty taste of bandages in her mouth, "You know so much, my beloved."

"Ah. I learned it from Henya. Such a useful little man, he is."

"Very much so," Yumi replied, turning her head so that she could pick bandage lint off of her tongue, "He gives the most wonderful foot massages."

A tight hand curled around Yumi's arm, almost breaking the skin. Yumi let out a small "eep" as the Blue Boss of Bleaching pulled her close.

"And how," Shishio asked, stroking Yumi's chin with one long bandaged finger, "Would you know that?"

"Houji told me."

If it weren't for his bandages, and the fact that his skin had been dyed the most unnatural color of blue, Yumi would have seen the most disturbing thing...Shishio Makoto turning as white as a ghost.

For, there are some pairings in the world of which one should never conceive. And a torrid romance between Houji and Henya is among them.

Houji...puckering up for a kiss...

Henya...in a bubblebath....

The both of them holding hands and skipping through a park...

It just wasn't right.

Suppressing a shudder, Shishio peered at his beloved, "Speaking of Henya, they should be arriving at the Habanero Hut right now. No man or child could possibly survive the dreaded grease traps, or the lightning peppers."

"Or the Rodents Of Unusual Size," Yumi added.

Shishio tapped his pipe against his lips in deep thought. "Whatever happened to that dishwasher that Henya hired?"

"Missing," Yumi said, discretely popping a piece of gum to remove the lingering taste of bandages, "Since last Tuesday."

"Tragic." Putting aside thoughts of the missing worker, Shishio gathered Yumi up in his arms. "My delicate fromage, my aromatic provolone, I wish to rub your toes! I wish to rub them wickedly, and maniacally, and with egotistical laughter as I contemplate our ultimate goals of conquering the world's fabric industry. For your toes are like little sausages, tiny canned weenies at the center of my platter of evil hors d'oeuvres!"

Yumi sighed and shook her head sadly. "Your mother made you eat leeks as a child, didn't she?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Makoto-chan toddled into the kitchen holding aloft his prize. "Look, Mama, I strangled the cat! Aren't you proud?"

Shishio Toji, a dumpy woman with giant flabby arms like massive sausages, and whom often smelled faintly of cheese, looked down at her son with an annoyed glare in her eye. "Not now, Makoto-chan, your Mama is cleaning the house."

"Can I help?" Makoto-chan asked, hopping from leg to leg, causing the dead cat (which he was holding by the tail) to bounce up and down like a frightening feline yo-yo. "I want to help, Mama!"

"NO!" Shishio-san replied, ushering her son towards the door with a rolling wobble, "Cleaning is for girls. You boys only mess things up. Now, run along, run along and help your father in the leek fields."

"But, Mama..." One solitary tear rolled down Shishio Makoto's face as his mother rejected his help. He only wanted her approval. He only wanted her...love.

As he ran towards the leek fields, the dead cat trailing behind him like an absurd kite, Shishio Makoto couldn't have known he would never see his mother again. For, that very day, Shishio Toji died.

Unable to see her feet beneath the massive expanse of her weight, Shishio-san tripped on the rope that Makoto-chan had used to strangle the cat...

Fell face first into the laundry bucket...

And drowned.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"This guy isn't even Japanese!" Yahiko declared, "Even I can take him."

"Sessha doesn't think that's a good idea, Yahiko," Kenshin replied, "We don't have any idea..."

Sanosuke stopped chewing on the end of his toothbrush long enough to say, "Aw, what's the harm in letting him try, Kenshin? Surely the laundry this guy has to offer can't be worse than the crossdressers pile of unmentionables."

"Nono!" Henya spun around, gesturing wildly at his restaurant, "We do not clean zee laundry here. We clean...zee kitchen. If zee boy empteez zee grease traps without passing out, zen all my base are belong to you. If not, zee boy must stay...forever enslaved as the Habanero Hut's newest busboy! Yessss. Let zee boy do it. Yahikachu, I choose you!"

Saitou, still carrying an errant puppy in his uniform, tried not to squirm as Okita-chan wagged his tail happily. "Where, exactly, are you from, you festering fowl of food fanaticism?"

Henya put his hands on his hips. "I am from Australia. Can't you tell from my outraaaagggeeeoouuus accent?"

"You're a loony," Yahiko replied.

"Soujiro-san, Fetche la vache!" Henya yelled, beating his hands whimsically on his head.

With a heavy sigh, Soujiro conferred with the Yumi-puppet. Finally, with a shrug, he had to admit, "I'm sorry, Henya, but neither Yumi-san nor I speak Australian."

Meanwhile, Kaoru and Kenshin were preparing Yahiko for the upcoming battle.

"Remember, Yahiko, the Kamiya Clorox Ryu is the style that cleans -gently-. GENTLY!" Kaoru grabbed Yahiko by his shoulders and shook him until he was in danger of contracting detached retinas.

"I know that, busu. Quit yelling. You're breaking my concentration!"

"If you get in trouble, Yahiko," Kenshin said sagely, prying Kaoru-dono's fingers from the youth's shoulders, "Just remember the old adage of the Ajax Superscrubber Ryu..."

"When Hiko-sensei runs out of sake, the Apocalypse shall come?"

"No, the -other- adage," Kenshin replied wryly. "When pre-treating a tough stain, it is better to dab than to scrub."

"Uh..." Yahiko looked at Kenshin in utter confusion, "Right. Um. Thanks. A. Lot. Kenshin."

Kenshin nodded, his look of pride and sincerity echoed by Kaoru. "Good-bye, Yahiko. Have fun storming the Habanero Hut!"

"Think it'll work?" Misao asked Saitou.

"It would take a miracle, Weasel. A goddamn miracle." Saitou's eyes narrowed, giving his face a serious look of intense concentration. He grabbed a nearby restaurant sign and studied it with a critical glare. "My God...I can't believe it...the terror...the horror...the unfathomable cruelty..."

"What? What is it?" Misao asked as she hopped repeatedly, trying to catch a glimpse of Saitou's discovery.

"This place doesn't even serve soba."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yahiko tiptoed into the giant open-air cafe. Even at fifty paces, he could smell the foulness wafting from the grease pits, hear the buzzing of flies and insects that had come to feast on the rotting lard. Undaunted, Yahiko reached into his pocket and pulled out his trusty clothespin, fastening it on his nose.

No crazy foreigner would defeat him! Not today!

The kitchen was truly a mess. Roaches and mice scattered as Yahiko edged along the far wall, trying not to become coated in the filth, mold, and slime. Then he spotted them...the grease pits. Like foul cesspools from the center ring of Hell's circus, they bubbled and groaned of their own volition. There were three of them. Three vats of grossness so foul, none but a man of surpassing mental strength and indelible physical fortitude could withstand such a terrifying ordeal.

Yahiko inched forward, ready for anything. Empty the grease traps? Simple! As long as he didn't get any of the sludge on him, and didn't smell the stuff, he'd probably be okay. He'd already taken care of the smelling part, so...

Yahiko whipped off his gi. He could use it as a pot-holder of sorts, protecting his hands from the overflowing slime. As long as he walked carefully...

Just then, from overhead, Yahiko heard a terrifying screech.

Was it a bird?

A plane?

No, it was Henya!

Yahiko stared in terror as the bizarre Australian swooped down towards the open-air kitchen. Strapped to his body were tiny red objects. With a thick-gloved hand, Henya pulled one from his belt and dropped it over Yahiko.

The sprightly youth just barely hopped to the side in time to avoid the projectile. It landed at his feet. And that...that was when Yahiko saw Henya's secret weapon.

A pepper.

"Zey are not just any habanero peppers," Henya called from above, "Zey are special muy caliente peppers from zee heart of my homeland Australia, cross-bred with snake poison. One touch, and your skin will burn as if touched by zee sun! Try to empty zee grease pits with Henya's Habanero peppers raining down from above! You'll be begging to be my busboy within no time!"

With this pronouncement, Henya began shucking peppers at Yahiko's head as quickly as possible.

Things looked bleak for the heir to the Kamiya Clorox Ryu. Yahiko felt something grasp his wrist. Suddenly, everything went dark. Very dark.

"What the..." Yahiko felt around in the darkness. One Wall. Two walls. Three walls. Something soft and...fleshy.

"Eep," the fleshy thing said, backing away from Yahiko's hand.

"Who's there?" Yahiko asked, trying to adjust his eyes to the lack of light, "Where am I?"

"Sss...so sorry about dragging you in here. I just didn't...um...want you to get hit by the peppers, Yahiko-chan." a girl's voice replied.

"Tsubame?"

"Yes." Tsubame threw her arms around Yahiko's neck. "I'm so glad you came!"

"But what are -you- doing here? And where is -here-?"

Tsubame began sobbing frantically, "It's Henya-san's pantry. I came to ask him to stop sending death-threats to Tae-san. And somehow he tricked me into doing his dishes. It was so frightening, Yahiko-chan! That kitchen...that kitchen..." Tsubame shuddered.

"Don't worry, Tsubame! I will save us! I will get you back to the Akebeko, I promise!"

"But, Yahiko-chan," Tsubame whispered, her voice coated in doubt, "What about the Rodents of Unusual Size?"

"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they even exist."

With heroism in his heart, Tsubame clutching his left hand, and his trusty feather-duster in his right, Yahiko burst from the pantry. They ran through the kitchen, watching as vermin scattered, chittering in fear.

All of the vermin, save one. On the shelf above the grease pits, a rat the size of a hog sat perched, snarling and ready to pounce.

Yahiko and Tsubame skidded to a halt. Above them, Henya hovered, watching and waiting for the duo to meet their doom.

Yahiko's eyebrows furrowed as he studied his enemy. The rat drooled rabidly, it's giant teeth gnashing in the air, its beady eyes fixed on the young pair. "Geez," Yahiko said, stepping backwards, "I didn't know Kaoru had a sister."

Things looked bad for Yahiko and Tsubame. Very bad. If they didn't meet their end at the vicious claws of the R.O.U.S, they would certainly be peppered into oblivion by Henya.

"Oh no, Yahiko! What should we doooo? I'm so frightened!"

Just then, a vision of Kenshin popped into Yahiko's mind. His voice echoed in Yahiko's head.... "When pre-treating a tough stain, it is better to dab than to scrub."

Dab.

Definitely dab.

"When I say go, Tsubame, run..." Thrusting Tsubame behind him, Yahiko stepped forward, his feather-duster brandished.

"AJAX SUPERSCRUBBER RYU, TSUNAMI PRE-TREATMENT!"

And, with that pronouncement, Yahiko lunged forward and dabbed his feather-duster at the nose of the giant rat in a gentle circular motion.

For a few seconds, all was silent.

And then they heard it...deep and low...a sound coming from the R.O.U.S.

"ZzzZZzzztthhhhtttthhhhzzzzhhhhttthhh....aaaaahhhh...ahhh...ahhhhhh..."

"Run Tsubame!" Yahiko grabbed his girlfriend's hand and fled like he was being chased by the entire Tokyo yakuza. "RUN!!!"

"Aaaaahhh....aahhhhhhh.....AHCHOO!"

The enormous rodent's sneeze shook the foundations of the Habanero Hut. And it shook the R.O.U.S., too, causing him to loose his balance and plunge, most tragically, into the grease pit below.

The upset contents shot into the air volcanically. Several handfuls of the toxic sludge splattered on Henya's delicate wings, causing the feathers to sizzle and burn. Henya screamed pitifully as physics and aerodynamics caused his body to plot a course towards the two remaining grease pits.

Upon hitting the vats of caustic slime, the pits overflowed, leaking their contents onto the floor...and onto Henya...who within seconds was turned into a shuddering, quivering, mass.

"Ew! EW EW EW EW! IT BURNS! THE SMELL, IT BURNS! I'll NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN!!!!!! MY EYES!!! MY WINGS! OH, ZEE HUMANITY! ZEE HUMANITY!"

Tsubame and Yahiko emerged from the Habanero Hut, victorious. The grease pits had been emptied. Of course, they had been emptied onto the floor, but they had been emptied nonetheless.

Everyone cheered. Yahiko had saved the day! Everyone cheered, except for Saitou...

Who merely crossed his arms and muttered:

"Inconceivable."

**In Our Next Chapter: Oh good lord. Does it even -matter- what happens in the next chapter? This chapter shouldn't have been written. The last chapter shouldn't have been written. None of this makes any sense!

**Author Notes:

I referenced several movies in this chapter, more than usual. So, excerpts are blatantly stolen from, The Princess Bride, Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail, and Pulp Fiction.

Thank you to all the reviewers of this really odd story. I'm so glad that you keep reading.

So, SUPERSIZED ROYALE WITH CHEESE thankyous to: Audi Daudi, Angel of the Deceased, Silent Tears of Agony, Neko Oni-chan, Ron Weasley, misaoshiru, ooka-chan, eriesalia, Cat H, Hiei-Sama-676, Kitty Katana, EK, Laurika, yamitamashii, Wolfgirl13, emi-chan', ChiisaiLammy, Night-Mare-Chan, Veleda, April-san, Lizzy44, Rainchaser, haku baikou, caitlin, Tenniyo, Wistful-Eyes, Capricorn89, Missbehavin, Shihali, Riverwood, Myvan, Super-Sheba, ^_____^, Johanna Gen & her muses, Starlit Anabelle, Catnip, MZ.AMbER EYES, AngelKitten4, SilverYumeTenshi, and Houndingwolf!

You are all the cheese on my taco of evil.
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