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Defying Gravity: Last

by dementedchris ::: 12.Sep.2002

"Tomoe," Father's voice urged me awake.

It took a while before I rubbed the last traces of sleep from my eyes. It felt good to dream. Raising a lazy arm to shield my eyes from the sunshine, I asked, "What time is it?"

"Late enough," he replied. "You're usually up before the sun is. Did you have a good night's sleep?"

The grin I gave him took its time in stretching across my face, like a cat unfolding itself from its curled position. "The best in a long time."

"You've been so down lately, it's nice to see you smiling again," he continued frankly. "Come on, sugar."

It was morning.

***

His red hair stood out in the morning sunshine, but it was you who caught my attention, ever the patient shadow at his side. You were laughing sweetly at something he said that it seemed like a shame to interrupt. But you noticed me standing behind him, and reached out to nudge his arm in your casual manner. He turned. His lips did not smile but his eyes did, a rich purple like I imagined the depths of the sea would look like. I could drown in them. For a moment, I forgot that you were even there.

"Hey," I said softly.

"Hey," he responded. "I thought you were going to sleep in today."

I pretended to scowl. "You won't get rid of me that easily."

He laughed softly. You smiled a moment later, a little unsure if you were intruding. I turned to you. I'm sorry, Kaoru, I didn't mean to exclude. "Ohayou, Kaoru-san."

"Tomoe-san," you acknowledged politely. You gestured towards your homeroom. "Uh, listen, I have to go. I'll see you both later." Then, with an apologetic -- or was it just sad? -- smile, you walked away.

I watched you.

Did I ever tell you how jealous I was of you before? He never made a move without you. I was his girlfriend, but it was you he chose to walk home. I was his girlfriend, but it was you he saw first every morning. But I couldn't hate you. How could I? You were his friend. You were his anchor. You made him smile.

You chose that moment to look back at us. Kenshin had already turned away and he didn't catch the look on your face.

But I did. And I understood: you were in love.

Kenshin, you idiot.

***

"You love him," I stated without preamble.

It was late afternoon, and as class representatives, you and I found ourselves staying after dismissal for an unscheduled meeting. When Kenshin found out, he promised he'd bring us both home, despite the fact that we lived on opposite sides of town. You protested, saying you could manage on your own. But he was firm.

I was right; you couldn't say no to him.

So there we sat, on the steps in front of the school, just waiting. When I made my rather unexpected remark, you recoiled a little. But you did not run.

"It's hard not to," you replied, after some time. Your voice spoke of resignation and summer and long afternoons waiting for him like this and somehow, I realized I never heard anything so heartbreaking before. But deep within your reply was a challenge, as if you were daring me to do something about the fact that you loved the man I did.

"What is it about him?" I can't believe that I'm having this conversation, or that I even started it in the first place. But I've always known the secret to detachment. I knew when to hide my emotions behind a mask, and when to let them show. I did it because I did not want to get hurt again, since wearing my feelings on my sleeve would inevitably lead to it. I did it because I had been hurt when I was with Akira, and I wasn't about to make the same mistake with Kenshin. You were always my opposite, dancing in his life with such open affection. How could two such different people fall for the same person? I guess I just wanted to learn everything about you, to see him as you did, to understand why you hurt so much right now.

You adjusted your socks. "I don't think you have the time."

I shrugged, although I knew you couldn't see the gesture. "I have the whole afternoon."

You turned to me, your heart in your eyes. "I don't think you have the time," you repeated with a regretful smile.

"Did you ever tell him?" I asked. My territory was a man and only a few weeks with him. You had a lifetime. Forgive me, I just had to know.

"What for?" you answered. "It won't change a thing anyway. He has always loved you. I only complicate things." You paused. "Will you tell him?"

"No," I assured you. That was purely between him and you.

You nodded. "Thank you, Tomoe-san."

I wanted to take your hand and tell you that it was going to be okay. That I was going to love him enough for both of us. I was a woman too; I understood what it was like to live in fear that you will lose everything you have ever loved.

"People always assume that there's only the couple to think about in every love story. But what they don't realize is that there's always somebody else. There are three sides to every story: his, yours, and mine. Everything will always be in a confusing triangle."

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop you from feeling that way. But you will continue to love him in your own way and so must I. I respect that. I guess I just wanted you to know that it was all right if you did. You will always give him something that he will not ask of me, and for that I will always be grateful.

You shook your head. For all your smiles, you looked so very tired. Loving him had hurt you deeply, and I did not help any. In your eyes, I saw that you felt that you had no right to get hurt. Your voice was no more than a whisper when you said, "There are only two sides to every triangle. Inside. And outside." You stood up. "I think I'd better go now."

Maybe, if the circumstances were different, we could have been friends. Maybe, on some level, we already were, joined at the heart by this undeniable emotion for this undeniable man. But I watched you walk away because I knew you didn't need my friendship. Or my pity. You walked on the same path you chose God knows how many years ago, and there was nothing that could stop you.

You loved him without question. It was a shame that he could not return the emotion. But just because you loved him first didn't mean I loved him less.

He came a few minutes later, and asked about you.

I told him the truth. I told him you were tired of waiting.

***

That night he held me close and told me his dreams. How he wanted a have a family of his own. How he wanted to finish his education and get a good job. How he wanted to pay back everyone who had helped him.

In the back of my mind, I kept thinking, what if he held you instead? What if, in the end, he would come back to you? I knew without a doubt that you would love him as much for his weaknesses as for his strengths. Maybe someday, you would get the chance to tell him. And show him. But until then, I was not going anywhere.

"What are you thinking of?" he murmured in my ear.

"How much I love you," I replied.

"And just how much is that?" he teased.

I showed him. That night we dreamed together.