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Defying Gravity: First

by dementedchris

At first I thought it was a dream, my hand in yours. But then your voice came, an invitation, an apology, and I realized that although the time and the place was not my choosing, it was all real.

I would have asked you how you knew where to find me, but I decided against it. "It doesn’t matter now, Tomoe," I said, more to myself, in a vain effort to convince my senses that I should just go. But I could not force to tear myself away. I felt that I was closer to you now than I had ever been, because the wound was laid between us, naked and vulnerable, a heart stripped bare.

Could you imagine the pain I felt to see you back with him? The night was cold, but it wasn’t why I shivered where I stood. Your eyes were brilliant with unshed tears. Could you truly imagine?

"Kenshin," you pleaded. Without waiting for me to reply, the words burst forth from you like a storm in summer, striking when it was least expected.

And just like a storm, your tears beat heavily against us, and I remembered how it began.

***

We were classmates during our second year in junior high. I was intrigued the moment I saw you, the new girl standing quietly by the window. Your eyes seemed to take every measure of my soul in, unafraid and faintly challenging. It surprised me, that steady gaze you watched me with, because I knew that my reputation as a troublemaker had long preceded me.

Kaoru would have been the first to tell you that it wasn't true. She was my staunchest defender even back then. And while I didn't tell her, she was also the reason I got into a lot of those fights in the first place. At thirteen, it didn't do well to be associated with a girl. But I hadn't the heart to turn her away. I would bring her home, but I would always go back to face those bullies who towered over me. Maybe they didn't think someone my size would take them on. But I did, and I won. Kaoru believed that my scars were born of something worthier, like a scratch from a kitten I had saved from a tree or some other fairy tale. She clung to me with those wide guileless eyes, ready to take on the world for my sake. Now, after Sano's admission, I realized why though I never understood it.

She loved me all those years, before she even chose to know me, before she even knew the meaning of the word.

But you were different. You took in the soiled hands, the scarred face, and in the quiet of the morning, you nodded, as if I had passed a test I didn't know I was taking.

I dismissed you with a shrug. I thought it would be that easy.

Then came that one afternoon at kendo practice, when one of the sempai had challenged me to a duel. I had brought Kaoru home like I always did, and returned a little late. There was another run-in with a neighborhood gang this time, led by a guy whose fifteen-year old brother I had crippled the day before. It took me longer than usual to dispose of four guys with bike chains and pocketknives, and it hadn't escaped Ikeda-san's notice. The challenge was mainly to put in my place, but I was itching for a fight.

I took him down in one, two, three strokes. He ended up writhing on the floor, clutching at his midsection. A broken rib, maybe two, but I didn't care. Silent, the rest of the team parted and let me pass.

And then there you stood, half hidden by the door. You stared at me with that same measuring gaze. There was no pity in your eyes, no feigned empathy.

You walked up to me and took my face in your hands. You were not afraid. A light rain began to fall.

Your hands soothed my rage away.

It was much later when I discovered that you already belonged to another.

***

We did not speak after that, as we had never really addressed each other before then. But you entered my thoughts and my veins the way no one else had. I knew Kiyosato from kendo, but did not believe that he was the sole reason you frequented the gym. After all, even when he moved on to high school, you still lingered in the early evening, the faint scent of white plums drifting to where I fought drenched in sweat.

I felt that a butterfly beat its wings against me, trapped inside my chest, gently struggling to break free. I did not think I was capable of such emotion.

On my last year in junior high, I walked the corridors with an unshakable calm. I had proven my worth, both on the streets and in the tournaments, and only the foolish dared to touch me. But you did, and I wasn't sure if I had come out of the experience unscathed. The Inter-High Kendo Tournament was going to be a walk in the park.

"Something's different," Kaoru had pointed out as she met me outside the local gym on the day of the finals. Her grandfather had driven her there in a show of support, and her small frame seemed lost in the throng of people.

I cocked my head to one side, waiting to hear what she had to say.

"You've controlled it somehow, when I wasn't looking," she said a little sadly. Then she smiled at me. "Gambatte!"

We stood there just looking at each other, and I remembered how Kaoru had steadfastly stayed at my side. She was there during those tumultuous years when I came home to see my murdered parents, and all of my innocence was wiped away in the space of a heartbeat. As she lulled me back into reality with her friendship, I wondered how she could still keep her idealism, her hopeful innocence. Suddenly there was a chasm between us that we could not cross. She tried, I knew. I just held back. There were things about me that I did not want to share, things that we both knew would always shadow our conversations. She respected my privacy and gave me space. I took her smile with me.

But when I walked into that gymnasium, all I could see were your eyes, never faltering, never judging. I felt that if you knew me you would not be consumed.

Victory came with a sort of hollow pride. For one so young, I don't know why I never truly treasured it. I had asked my uncle, who had raised me since my parents' death, to stay behind. I watched Kaoru wave me goodbye.

It felt like an eternity before you came to my side. When I looked up from my position on the floor, back slumped against the gym walls, you were already arranging yourself neatly on the space beside me.

"You could have won earlier if you hadn't toyed with him like that," you said without preamble.

I scoffed. "He should have been better prepared."

"Kiyosato's afraid of you, you know."

I looked at you. "He should."

Outside, it began to rain. I could feel the heat rising from the earth, released by the downpour as it permeated our skins. It was the first time I fell in love.

***

Once, when I was doing the laundry, I came across my uncle's well-worn kimono. He was a potter, and this faded gray fabric bore the marks of his trade. I scrubbed at it insistently, vainly trying to wash the dried clay and the stains away. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"The clay becomes it, don't you think?" he asked me. My uncle had never been abusive, but he was harsh and exacting, and I was surprised at the gentle tone he used then. He looked at the kimono as if it were an old friend, torn and dirty as it was, and his touch told me that I should just leave it be.

All I could think of was you.

***

"I was only saying goodbye to him. He was my friend, too," you explained. "I am with you now."

I kept silent. You didn't need to say anything; I think I unconsciously took you back the moment I saw you on this lonely road. You saw my faults yet you came back. You saw the dark and the light yet you came back. I could not ask anyone for more.

"Will you trust me?"

That night you walked by my side, our shoulders barely touching. You smelled like the last five years of my life, white plums and evening calm, splintered wood and summer storms.

There was a hole in the sky where the moon should be, kind of like the space in my chest where a heart once throbbed, before you came and stole it away.

You reached out and anchored me with a hand.

I grasped it, startling myself with my own firmness. I smiled. Things were going to be all right.