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My Life: Chapter 16 - Hesitations

by Fitz

The days passed. Then weeks, and the month changed from January to February which would turn to March all too soon. My classes were going well. I was pleased with how I did, considering my GPA had been less than admirable in senior high. Forever ago, I used to be quite the bright student. I actually enjoyed school, was on the track team, and had a lot of friends. Amazing what a little snow storm could change.

I would never be like that again. It was not so much that I did not want it. In fact, to be that silly, carefree kid again would have made life so much easier. The reality of the situation was that I could not erase everything I’d done nor could I correct the countless mistakes I’d made. No one was capable of that.

Frankly, I was happy with how things were. Sure, I went through bouts of depression, had problems with the people and events around me... but who didn’t? It was the first time in a long while that I felt that way.

But, for the moment, I had a problem. It weighed on my mind as I sat at my desk and looked up at the message board on the wall, where the envelope was pinned.

What am I going to do about those tickets?

I had thought over the possibilities countless times, and I had yet to come up with anything that satisfied me. If I did not do something soon, it was going to be too late, and all that money Kaoru spent on airplane tickets would go to waste.

“Why so glum, sweetheart?”

I glanced up at Kamatari and blinked. He looked... different. It was obvious he knew it by the smirk on his face, but I still had to stare.

His hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail, almost making it look short. Then, his clothes... he was wearing standard guy clothing. Sort of. It was a little dressed up, actually, with black slacks and an oxford-style shirt complete with a tie. Not only that, but his face was scrubbed clean--no cosmetics. None whatsoever.

“You almost look like a guy!” I blurted. He snorted.

“‘Almost’?” he echoed back.

“Uh... well, you’re still, I mean...” I had not meant it to sound quite so bad. “Um, what’s up?”

He grinned and spun around to give me the full effect of his new attire.

“I’ve got a job interview,” he explained. “With a little law firm in the city. Ever heard of Mr. Vellum*?”

“No...” Was I supposed to?

“I suppose you wouldn’t,” he smirked and brushed some imaginary lint off his sleeve. “He’s a rather well-known lawyer around here. If this interview goes well, I could have an internship over the summer as an assistant in his firm.”

“Why the change in clothes?” I asked blankly. Some of his other clothes were nice, too. I did not see the need for the radical change. Apparently, I should have, though, because Kamatari wrinkled his nose and rolled his eyes at me.

“Appearance is very important, sweetheart,” he said matter-of-factly. “A well-dressed young man is more likely to get a job than a weirdo with a fetish for rouge.”

“That’s not a fetish,” I said, still a bit confused. It still did not quite click. Kamatari looked at me, then sighed and sat on the edge of my futon.

“It’s a world where difference will get a person eaten alive,” he said bluntly. “I really want this internship, sweetheart, and I’d probably get it whether or not I changed my clothes.”

It all made sense, even before Kamatari finished.

“I get along fine here, but it’s different in the workplace,” he murmured. “I’ve put up with the crap before, and I don’t want to do it again. It’s better not to be so open, you know?”

The truth hurt. An idiotic little thing popped into my head as I stared at Kamatari. It was the thing kids used to say in grade school: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Sticks and stones... people still said that, even at our age. Never with the little sing-song, granted. That held true to some extent, actually--for a six-year-old. Kids forgot those things before the day ended. But teenagers and adults. That saying should have been changed.

Sticks and stones may vary well break some bones. As for words... they didn’t just hurt, they maimed. It was hard to imagine someone as cheerful as Kamatari ever having anyone speak bad about him. Just from the things people said to me, I knew it must have been awful. And I didn’t even wear the women’s clothing.

“Perk up, sweetheart,” Kamatari laughed, but it sounded a bit strained. “You’re supposed to tell me if you like the look.”

“Uh...”

“Come on!” he pouted. “You’re being like you were when I tried on clothes at Express.”

I felt my face heat at the mere mention of that. God, but that had been an embarrassing situation.

“It looks okay, Kamatari,” I said quickly. “You look good. Just... different... I guess.”

“Different good or different bad?” he countered

“Just different,” I frowned at him. I could not say it was one way or the other. It really wasn’t. I was used to him in women’s clothing, but he could pull this off as well. He looked... less content in this clothing, though.

“That bad?” he groaned.

“No!” I protested. He was laughing at me, and I scowled at him. “Idiot. It’s just that you barely look like you. It looks fine, it just doesn’t look...” I hesitated, trying to figure out what I really wanted to say, then ended rather lamely, “look right.”

Kamatari grinned and reached up to pat my cheek lightly. You’d think I made his day with that. I’d practically insulted him, and he smiled at me.

“I knew I was right to call you sweetheart,” he announced. I shook my head at him. Idiot. “Chou invited chickie who invited Megumi, and we’re watching a movie in our room tonight. Darling and his friends are coming too. You want to join us?”

“Aoshi’s watching a movie with you and Chou?” I asked, incredulous. Although, if his friends had been involved in making that decision, it made more sense.

“We’ll really be stuffing it with Hyottoko, but we’ll pile onto the beds,” Kamatari said with a smirk.

I groaned, recalling my times when Aoshi’s friends were around. Shikijou seemed to like me for some reason and always tried to draw me into their conversations. I just did not understand them.

“Sure, I’ll come,” I agreed. “I’m supposed to get together with Kaoru today for awhile, though. Think she could fit into the room?” Assuming she even wanted to come. She was a little leery of Aoshi.

“She’s smaller than you, sweetheart,” Kamatari said with a smile. “If all else fails, we can find volunteers and stick one or both of you in someone’s lap.”

“Ha ha ha,” I deadpanned.

“Why not?” Kamatari stood to leave. “You’re small enough to fit in my lap. Kaoru can sit in... Chou’s lap.”

That one made me crack up. The image just would not come. If anyone tried to sit on Chou, he would send them tumbling to the floor. Although, Kaoru knew enough martial arts that she’d probably turn the tables on him. The thought of Kaoru flipping Chou to the floor just made me laugh again.

“You’re easily amused, sweetheart,” Kamatari declared. “Wish me luck?”

“Of course,” I nodded at him. “Good luck, Kamatari. You’ll get the job.”

He grinned, then leaned forward abruptly and planted a kiss on my forehead. I blinked at him as he pulled away. He was still smiling, so I smiled hesitantly in return.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” he murmured. “See you later.”

He rushed out, his little ponytail bobbing behind him. It really did look funny--not amusing, but odd. But I understood what he was doing. I was bothered by it, but I understood.

I sighed. Now... what to do about those tickets.

^_^

*This name has been changed a bit from the original. The lawyer actually exists, and is part of Fitz’s extended family. (Note that Fitz couldn’t tell you much beyond his name and his career choice.) And he is well known… I’ve seen streets that use his family name. That’s all I’ll say about him, though.

^_^

“Oooof!”

Kaoru landed with a solid thud on the gym mat. I blinked down at her incredulously, and she managed a pained smile in return.

“I think...” she panted. She must have had the wind knocked from her. “That it’s... time... to call... it a day...”

It was somewhat broken and difficult to understand, but I figured out what she’d said. I stared at her, still trying to comprehend what I had just done.

“Oh, stop looking so proud of yourself,” she grumbled, pushing herself to her hands and knees.

I had beaten her! It took an effort not to grin and laugh in my excitement. Weeks of this, hours of training with Kaoru, and this was the first time I had been clever enough to defeat her. Cool.

“You okay?” I had to ask. She looked fine. A little disgruntled, but okay.

“Sure,” she took a deep breath and grinned at me. “You’ve gotten a lot better, Kenshin.”

“You think?” I looked at her.

“On occasion,” she replied, walking to the drinking fountain.

What? I stared after her blankly, taking a moment to comprehend that weird response. It made sense... sort of... in a strange kind of way. I frowned and followed Kaoru.

“Spring break is in two weeks,” Kaoru observed, leading the way back to the locker rooms. “You decided what you’re going to do yet?”

“Um... sort of,” I sighed. “I’ve got hotel reservations...” I glanced at her. “Do you have any idea how much it costs to stay in a San Francisco hotel for five nights?”

“Do you need some help paying--”

“No!” I scowled at her, offended that she would even ask. I thought she knew I did not like that. We had discussed it weeks--no, months--ago.

“Sorry!” she blushed and covered her mouth lightly. “So... who’d you decide to take with you?”

I shrugged, and she stared at me.

“You haven’t decided?”

Too embarrassed to say anything, I just shook my head. The floor needed to be polished. There were dings and scrapes in the finish. Funny, the things a person notices when he’s trying not to look at someone else.

Kaoru started laughing. Startled, I looked up at her, wondering just what was so funny. She giggled again, shoving my arm lightly and shaking her head.

“Kenshin, you’re hopeless!” she announced. “What about Sanosuke?”

“You know him and Megumi,” I shrugged uneasily. “A week is a long time in their terms.”

“Hmmm,” she thought again. “Aoshi?”

I wrinkled my nose in distaste, and she laughed again.

“Maybe not...” she tapped her chin thoughtfully. “What about Kamatari?”

“He’s going to a family reunion,” I shook my head again.

Kaoru sighed and looked at me in exasperation. I smiled and could not make myself ask her. Honestly... how hard was it? I just had to open my mouth and say...

“You want to go, um...” I tugged at my ponytail lightly, irritated at the hair on my neck. “You want to go get something to eat?”

She stared at me for a long time, and I got the distinct impression I had not said the right thing. I probably hadn’t. I was good at screwing that stuff up. My blunder just seconds ago, trying to invite Kaoru along with me was proof enough of that.

“Sure, Kenshin,” she smiled brightly. Apparently, all was forgiven. “Burger King?” Okay... maybe not. I scowled at her.

“Not funny.”

She giggled and waved, turning to go to the girls’ locker room.

“I’ll meet you in twenty,” she called.

“Sure,” I replied weakly. Twenty... it always took girls so long to get ready. I shook my head and went into the guys’ locker room. Even with long hair to wash, I could usually do it in about ten minutes. Well... it was still cold outside. I could dry my hair a bit before going to meet Kaoru again.

^_^

We ate at Bruegger’s Bagels, as it was the closest fast food place around that Kaoru liked. She picked out a table and sat with our drinks while I waited for our food. I handed her a bag as I sat across from her. She smiled, taking it from me and immediately digging through the contents.

“Mmmm, I’m starved!” she declared. “What’d you get?”

“BLT,” I pulled out my own sandwich-on-a-bagel, and we settled down to eat in somewhat awkward silence. Well, Kaoru looked perfectly content, stuffing her face like that. I thought it was uncomfortable. But did I try to break the silence? Of course not.

“You know...” Kaoru said around a mouthful of sandwich. “I always wondered why you hated Burger King so much.” She swallowed and drank some pop. “I mean, I understand the whole ‘aversion to TGIF’ thing, but what about the fast food place? It seems kind of random.”

“Umm,” I agreed, smiling wryly. “Let’s just say that Burger King’s cheeseburgers don’t taste quite as good the second time around.”

“Oh ew!” Kaoru groaned. “How’d that happen?”

“Just a bad night out,” I shrugged. All those parties from when I’d been in high school were not something I was about to tell her. Not only was I just a tiny bit ashamed at what I had done, but some of those details were rather... inappropriate, and I was not going to share that kind of information with a girl. Hell, I probably would never explain any of that to Sano!

“OD on something?” she asked nervously.

“No,” I smiled and shook my head. “I never did that. It’s kind of complicated, Kaoru. Let’s just leave it at that.”

She looked at me oddly, then frowned worriedly. Crap. She was still remembering that spell from last January. I had no intention of breaking down like that again. Of course... I had not meant to do it then, but this was a little different. It did not hurt like that did.

“It’s embarrassing, Kaoru,” I said before she could rebuke me for being secretive again. “And it’s not exactly something you discuss over lunch in a public restaurant.”

“Are you sure?” she asked cautiously. “The last time you--”

“This isn’t the last time!” I scowled, hating how my cheeks heated up. She was never going to let me live that down! “I said I was sorry about that. It was stupid and childish, and can we just forget it ever happened?” Pleeeeeease? I looked at her, begging her without saying anything.

Kaoru looked at me skeptically for a few seconds, and then she sighed.

“Okay, Kenshin,” she said reluctantly. “But only if you promise it’s not something that’s bothering you.”

Bothering me? I rarely thought about it unless someone else brought it up.

“I promise,” I insisted. “I swear on... on my parents’ grave that it’s not going to end like last time.”

She looked at me shrewdly.

“Not your sister’s?” she demanded.

“I only swear on her grave if it’s something really serious,” I retorted, glaring at her only half in irritation. She smiled and picked up her straw. I was surprised she had not drunk anything yet. I shook my head and went back to eating my lunch as she tore off the end of the paper covering the straw.

Something hit my hair, and I blinked at a little white thing hanging in my vision. Kaoru giggled, and I pulled the thing down. It was her straw cover. I crumpled the thing up and tossed it back at her. Kaoru gasped, jerking back in her chair, and I glanced at her in amusement.

“Kenshin, you dork!” she grabbed the front of her button-down shirt and shook it back and forth. I snickered. By some random stroke of luck, the crumpled wad of paper had gone down the front of her shirt. Kaoru glared at me and kicked my ankle under the table.

“Ow!” I jumped back, nearly knocking my chair over. People in the little restaurant were staring at us, and I settled back down, trying to ignore the throbbing in my leg. Damned pointy-toed boots. Kaoru, though, was still trying to dig that paper out of her shirt, and I smirked again. “Real nice, Kaoru. People are staring at you.”

She turned an interesting shade of pink and reluctantly released her shirt. She grimaced and reached for her food again.

“Idiot,” she sniffed.

“You asked for it,” I replied, searching for a napkin. That sandwich had drained tomato juice and mayo all over me.

“See if I ever ask you out to movies again,” she grumbled.

I glanced at her, making sure she was not serious. She smiled triumphantly, and I sighed, cleaning my hands.

“You done?”

“Yeah,” she picked up her drink. “Proofread my Sociology report?”

“Sure.”

The trash thunked down in the bin, and we left the shop.

^_^

Sano and Megumi were hanging around his house for spring break. Kamatari was going to the coast for a reunion. Aoshi and Misao were going to visit each others’ respective homes. And Chou was going on a road trip with some of his buddies. Not only that, but it was Monday, and the date on the plane tickets was for the coming Saturday.

I had to ask Kaoru, and I had to ask her that day. That was all there was to it.

She picked up off the second ring. “‘lo?”

“Eating?” I asked, hearing the odd thickness of the word. There was a brief pause before she answered, confirming my suspicion.

“Of course not!” she laughed.

“What are you having?”

“Peanut butter sandwich,” she sighed.

I smirked. She hated talking on the phone with food in her mouth. Apparently, it was a social blunder like no other. Like I really cared if she snacked while we talked.

“What’s up, Kenshin?” she asked. Whoops. I had let that silence drag on for quite some time.

“What are you doing next week?” I asked quickly, before I could change my mind.

A long silence followed the question. It would just figure if she already had plans. With my luck, she would.

“Kaoru?” I asked hesitantly. If she was not going to say anything... I was sure she knew what my real question was. Kaoru might have been ditzy on occasion, but she was not stupid. With how she had been bugging me about spring break and that trip, she would recognize the significance of such a leading question. So I decided to just ask her outright. “Um... the reason I was asking was... well, I know it’s kind of late, but... I thought maybe you’d like to, uh...” I never claimed to be smooth. In fact, I slopped and stumbled through a few more ‘um’s and ‘ah’s before actually asking the question. “So would you like to go to San Francisco next week?”

After that, there was only a brief pause before she answered. It was not exactly the type of response I would have liked.

“Gone through the rest of your list so you finally settling for the last choice?” she asked quietly. It took me a minute to comprehend her bitter reply. I didn’t get it. Honestly, she had never done or said anything that would have made me think she felt this way. And that was not what I had been doing! She was not the last choice! If that was the case, I would have been asking Uncle Hiko.

“N-no!” I stammered, trying to come up with a response. I was so confused! What did she mean by that? “Kaoru, I didn’t... I didn’t mean it to sound like... It’s not like that! I...”

“What, Kenshin?” her voice was so quiet and cool. I did not know what to make of it. Selfish as it seemed, I had thought--and hoped--she would jump at the opportunity to go to California. And I rather liked to think she would not mind coming with me. The confusion just built, and it was ticking me off.

“I just...” I trailed off. What did she want me to say? What could I say? “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“That’s not what it sounds like.”

What the hell?! Was she just in a bad mood or something? Kaoru was never like this! What did I do that deserved--scratch that. I was not going to even go there.

“Forget it,” I said, really angry by this point. She was twisting it all around, and I could not keep up with some girl’s pissy mood. “Forget I even asked. I’ll talk to you later, Kaoru.”

“Ken--”

I didn’t want to hear it. If she was just trying to make me mad--or guilty--then she was doing a damned good job of it. I hung up on her, too angry to think straight. Glaring once at the phone, as if she could feel the stare through the disconnected line, I walked out of my room, shutting the door against the sound of the ringing phone. Better that I cool down before trying to talk to her again.

^_^

It would have been easier to avoid Kaoru if I did not have class with her every Tuesday and Thursday. As it was, I did manage to avoid talking to her until English was over. That had more to do with the fact that I forgot to set my alarm and woke up twenty minutes later than usual that morning than any set plan.

After class, Kaoru did not even bother packing her bag. She just walked right over to my desk while I was filing my papers in my folder and slapped both of her hands down on the laminate surface, startling me into looking up. I frowned at her, and she glared right back at me. No way was I going to take the hit on this one. Sure, I should have asked a lot sooner, but she was the one who blew things all out of proportion.

“You hung up on me!” she stated irately.

“Why keep talking to someone who won’t listen?” I shot back, looking away to continue packing my bag. I had another class in an hour on the other bank, and I felt like walking. It would take four times longer, so there was no point in wasting time. And if Kaoru was just going to yell at me, then it was a waste of time.

Kaoru snatched my book out of my hand, and I had to stop.

“Look at me!” she demanded. I looked at her. She was not scowling anymore. Of course she wasn’t. Instead, she looked like she was going to cry. Shit.

“Now just a minute!” I protested as she sniffled. “Don’t do that!”

“You jerk!” she shouted in my face. I could smell the peanut butter on her breath. That answered the question on what kind of breakfast she had eaten that morning. Of course, my ears were not liking the volume of her voice at such a close proximity. I blinked at her in alarm.

“You don’t have to yell, Kaoru,” I muttered. “I can hear you just fine. What’s your problem anyway?”

“Do you have any idea what it feels like?!” she asked, still sounding on the verge of tears. I was grateful there weren’t any classes after this--not to mention that everyone else had retreated from the room.

“What what feels like?!” Couldn’t she just get to the point? What did I do?

“You know, I’ve been hoping since the day I gave you those that you’d invite me along, but I thought I’d be nice about it and let you choose who you wanted to bring,” she said, rushing through the words like she had been bottling them up for awhile. She probably had. “And I know you’ve got other friends--guy friends--you’d rather go with, but... but... Stop staring at me like that!”

“You would have yelled at me for being selfish if I was the one saying all this,” I replied, too bewildered to think about my words before I said them. If I had thought more about it, I don’t think I would have said it quite like that. Fortunately, Kaoru did not take it too badly. She stared at me in shock.

“Am I being that selfish?” she asked.

“If I say no, you’ll go back to being mad at me for not asking you earlier, and if I say yes, you’ll be mad at me for insulting you,” I shook my head. “Look, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings on this. I didn’t mean to do that. I was...” I was not going to admit I was too chicken to ask her. Not aloud in any rate. I sighed and shrugged. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Kaoru groaned and sank down to crouch in front of me, folding her arms on the desk. She looked up at me, poking her lip out and crunching her eyebrows together in a pout.

“I was afraid you’d think I was being presumptuous,” she admitted. Hah! So I was not the only person around who wimped out on these things. “And I wasn’t really sure if you liked me much last Christmas.”

“If I didn’t like you, I never would have accepted your invitation to stay at your house over break,” I said. For a student taking honors classes, she could be an idiot at times. “So, do you want to come or not? ‘Cause if you don’t, I’m going to have to ask a family member, and I’d sooner go alone than suffer through that.”

“I didn’t think your uncle was that bad,” she giggled.

“That’s because he likes you,” I grumbled. “I’m his nephew so he has to love me, but he thinks I’m an annoying brat.”

“You’re not annoying,” Kaoru assured me.

“But I’m a brat?” I asked.

“You can be.”

Well thanks. How very nice of her to tell me that. Even if it was the truth. I tilted my head at her slightly. She had not answered the original question.

“San Francisco?” I prompted.

“Don’t be a dummy, Kenshin,” she grinned and stood straight. “I’ll arrange for a ride to drop us at the airport Saturday.”

I sighed and zipped my bag, finally standing to leave.

“You couldn’t have made this easier on me,” I complained.

“Sorry, Kenshin,” Kaoru hooked her arm through mine and smiled at me sweetly. “I tend to get bitchy around this time of the month.”

“If you start telling me about your cycles, I am going to retract that invitation,” I informed her. She laughed and pulled me out the door.

“Don’t worry,” she patted my arm. “I’ll be done menstruating in a couple days.”

Dear god! I thought I just might be sick.

^_^