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My Life: Chapter 33 - Hazy Perceptions

by Fitz ::: 17.Jun.2003

It was all a mess of colors and sounds. A glimpse of a bright light, mutterings of strange people, the wail of a siren, and finally, the steady blip of a heart monitor.

For a long time, I stared at the spiking green line, my mind wonderfully blank. I had just had a rather odd dream. It was not good or bad... just there. Even as I stared at the jumping line, hearing its bland beeping, memory of the dream dimmed, and it was forgotten.

“You’re awake.”

I did not look at her. It was not anyone I knew, which made me wonder. Where was Uncle Hiko? Why wasn’t he in the room? I was pretty sure he had been the one who got me out of that room. Unless it had been some delusional, desperate hope, in which case I probably made a fool of myself on some poor police officer.

“How are you feeling, Kenshin?”

How was I feeling? I was not feeling much of anything at that particular moment, actually. Faint resentment at waking up to find myself alone in a hospital room. Everything else I pushed to the back to think about later.

“Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

A little thirsty. Okay... very thirsty, but I did not want to speak just yet. Certainly not with some strange woman. I closed my eyes.

“Well... I suppose you’re tired. I’ll call the doctor in. Hold tight, Kenshin. I won’t be gone long.”

Made a person wonder if she expected me to go into hysterics the second she left the room. As if I cared whether or not a stranger stayed with me.

Exhaustion took hold, and I sighed. I was asleep before the nurse returned with the doctor.

^_^

I dreamed again. I dreamt I was a cat. I recognized people around me--Sano, Uncle Hiko, Kaoru, Mr. Sagara--and some I didn’t recognize. They were all talking, but I couldn’t understand them. I got bored with it all and hopped onto a lap. Someone’s lap, I didn’t care. They stroked my fur, and I was happy. I could live with being a cat.

When I woke, it was because I felt someone brushing their hand over my hair. I hoped it wasn’t that nurse again. For once, fate smiled on me, and when I opened my eyes, my blurry gaze found familiar black hair and blue eyes. Sighing in relief, I closed my eyes again and relaxed back against the pillow.

“Hey, Kenshin,” she murmured, words sounding a little odd... muddled. Like she was talking through something. I felt her hand squeezing mine. I had not even noticed she was holding my hand. “I’m glad you’re awake.”

Barely. I was drifting.

“A lot has happened in the past few days,” she continued when I said nothing. “Thanksgiving was kind of forgotten in the mix of things. Most of us were here, waiting for word on your condition. It’s scary when someone you know is in surgery, but I guess they said it didn’t take long.”

Surgery? That meant Enishi really did shoot me. Or Kevin. Maybe Kevin shot me.

“Your cousin’s funeral was today,” Kaoru murmured. “That’s where your uncle is now. Your aunt sent you flowers, but I doubt she’ll want to see you anytime soon.”

My breath hitched at that one. Swallowing with some difficulty, I opened my eyes to stare at the curtain that divided the room. Aunt Tokio didn’t want to see me?

“She’s probably a little resentful that you never turned Enishi in,” Kaoru explained, as if reading my thoughts. “Chou’s roommate was arrested, too. They caught him trying to board a flight to Mexico. I guess he hasn’t admitted anything yet, but he had a previous criminal record, and with his fingerprints all over your room, there’s not much he can do.”

Kevin... I wondered who he was.

“Sanosuke went home for the night,” she went on, not bothered that I was not talking. “Took his dad home and went back to the dorm. Classes start up again the day after tomorrow, and he said he wanted to spend some time with Megumi. She’s been really good about all this. Very supportive. Sanosuke was upset.”

Kaoru’s voice was trailing off in monotone. It was difficult to focus on her words.

“Doctors have been worried,” she said. “But they’re hopeful your silence is a result of shock that will fade with time. Your uncle thinks you’re just being stubborn. I suspect it’s a little of each.”

The curtain shifted slightly as someone moved on the other side. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore that and pay attention to Kaoru. She seemed to have more to say, and she was right. I didn’t want to talk yet.

“If everything goes well, you won’t miss much more school,” she told me. “You missed last Wednesday, but half the school skipped that, so it’s not such a big deal. If you’re released soon, maybe you can make it by Monday or Tuesday.” She sighed then, a rueful sound. “We’re moving your stuff into Chou’s room.”

What? That was not something I expected.

“The dorm is right near where most of your classes are,” she continued. “The University will probably throw out all sorts of roadblocks, but your uncle is going to push it through. It’s really better this way, too. I know there’ll be a little less freedom, not to mention Chou won’t take any crap like the girls will. And my mom and your uncle are taking care of your share of the apartment bill until we can find a fourth roommate again.”

They were kicking me out?

“And... I know you’re not going to like hearing this, but...” she sighed again. “But I want to start over. You and me, I mean.... We’ve gotten a little loose... maybe a little too comfortable over the past few months, living together as we were.”

Oh god.

“I’m not saying we’ll see other people...”

She was dumping me.

“But I think we should take things a little differently,” she concluded. “Okay?”

I finally did it. I finally shoved her away. She told me while holding my hand and rearranging my bangs.

“I’ve got to go, Kenshin,” she said after awhile. “Call me when you get out of here, okay? We’ll talk.”

She released my hand, pulled back, and walked away. Opening my eyes again, I turned my head to watch her leave. She paused outside the door, by the windows, and glanced in. I could not believe she was just going to walk out. Just like that, she was through with me.

Kaoru shook her head, and it looked like she said something, but I could not hear her from that distance. Looking away, she continued walking, disappearing out of sight.

^_^

The rest of my stay in the hospital was a blur of doctors, nurses, and visions of Uncle Hiko standing over me, his disapproving scowl set firmly in place. He never did lecture me on the importance of being honest. Not that it was necessary. Thank you, but I was pretty sure I had learned my lesson through the ever-effective hands-on experience method.

So ended my second visit to the hospital in a month. The last time had been better. In and out in four hours was nicer than staying for nearly six days. They let me out on Tuesday, although I was informed I would be undergoing plenty of physical therapy once my shattered clavicle healed enough for me to safely use my left arm again. That meant I had another month in a sling.

Apparently, the bullet intended for my brain hit my collarbone instead. They said I was lucky to be alive with the blood loss and the shock to my system. A miracle, they also noted, that I was conscious at all afterwards. If it was my choice... no. No one wanted to hear my choice. I don’t want to know what I would have chosen, had conscious thought had any say in the matter.

By the time it was time to leave, I had graduated from refusing to acknowledge the existence of others to responding to them with one or two word phrases. It was just so difficult to concentrate. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Mike’s vacant stare and the gory display of his body collapsed on my bed. When I was alone, or the people in the room were not speaking to me, I thought about Enishi and Kevin. More than that, I thought about Kaoru and how she had walked out on me. It made for long, hellish days and nights that I dreaded. With the medication they had me on, I did not dream much, but the time spent falling asleep was unpleasant.

Uncle Hiko had never been an overly talkative man. He spoke when it was appropriate--in social situations and such--but otherwise he rarely said anything beyond the necessary (unless he was yelling at me, of course, in which case he could go on for quite some time). It was odd to hear him continually speaking as he took me back to school. It was like he was trying to fill the silence where it had never bothered him before.

On the way to the dorm, he explained everything to me. My stuff was mostly unpacked, computer set up, et cetera, et cetera, in Chou’s room. Normally, I would have been annoyed by the thought of others poking through my belongings, but it was not worth the effort at that point. I had an appointment set up in Disability Services, and I was to provide both doctor’s and psychiatrist’s letters to them. Yes, I had seen a psychiatrist, for all the good that did me. There was just something about those head shrinks that bugged me, and I was not about to tell some stranger my life story with the hopes he could tell me what was wrong with me.

“Are you listening to me?” Uncle Hiko asked at one point as he eased his car into a spot by a parking meter.

“Yeah.”

Then he was talking about my doctor’s appointment next week, warning me not to take anything more than what was written specifically on the prescription bottles, as if I did not know the dangers in that.

Finally, we were in the building, walking up to the second floor and into my new room. Chou must have been waiting because he looked up from his book, hesitated, then grinned full force, and he swung his legs off the bed and stood to greet me.

^_^

Life became this haze of classes, homework, sleeping and eating. Sleeping and eating were not common, actually, and both were forced. Again, I lost weight, for which the doctors then scolded me and put me on a strict diet which, incidentally, included a healthy dose of antidepressants.

I never did call Kaoru. Several times I came close. I picked up the phone, going so far as to dial the number, but I hung up before anyone answered. What was I supposed to say? “Hi, Kaoru. Remember me? Your screwed-up loser of an ex-boyfriend?”

Katsu lived in that dorm, and I found myself with him more than I ever would have predicted. He offered to take me with him a few times when he went someplace to draw, shoot photos, or just sit and do homework. It seemed better than sitting in my room, so I accepted. More than once, he asked if he could take my picture, and once I said he could. He then turned it around and said he would only do it if I promised to let him do another photo session at some point in the future. I really did not care, and so I spent an afternoon with him following me around campus, camera clicking away. The sneaky bastard kept trying to engage in conversation. It was distracting, and I was certain took more than a few pictures of me with my mouth wide open, responding to his questions. It was nice, though, to have some company.

Sano came around sometimes. It was awkward for both of us. I did not know how to act around him, and he seemed to be the same. He was moody and gruff, treating me like some breakable object, offering to do everything for me. One could only take so much of a guy holding open doors, pulling out chairs, carrying books and lunch trays, and acting concerned no matter what I did. It was like a junior high school boy with his girlfriend. I might have said something, but with how rough everything had been between me and everyone lately, it seemed a little risky. I bit my tongue and tried not to get too annoyed.

Work was a challenge. I dropped back to an on-call status which was how it was to remain until my arm healed. Because I needed the money, I still showed up on weekends to do any microfiche and microfilm orders. Kari was glad when I did, admitting she hated working alone. Five hours was a long time to sit by herself, I had to agree. And I liked listening to her meaningless small talk.

So the days dragged on, then weeks, and suddenly it was time for finals. The stress level of the students in the dorm was high, everyone worried about exams and looking forward to winter break. It did not matter to me. I had no place to stay, really. Aunt Tokio’s was the logical choice usually, but I had yet to patch things up with her. The only way I would ever step foot in my room at Uncle Hiko’s again was if someone somehow forced me. It was blocked off anyway--cleaned, but locked up. No one wanted to face it.

^_^

My dilemma was solved for me the Saturday night just before finals week. I sat with Chou, outside while he smoked. He offered me a cigarette, and I accepted, although I probably should not have, what with all the drugs the doctors already had me taking.

The smoke choked me for a minute, my lungs unused to it, but I held back the urge to cough and cautiously exhaled. The smoke was an icy white, creating a haze before the clear blue-black sky. All day it had been cloudless, and we suffered for it, the temperature plummeting to below freezing. Winter was soon in coming.

“You got plans for break?” Chou wondered, sitting on the metal bike rack. I was leaning against the wall across from him, tempted to sit despite the lack of bench.

“Not yet,” I sighed, watching the smoke waft away again. “Trying to decide how to avoid my uncle’s house.”

“Well, me and a bunch of other guys are heading to Colorado for some quality skiing,” he told me. “Kamatari’s flying over from genius world too. You want to come?”

I glanced at him, not quite believing he was serious. He grinned and poked his cigarette down into the ash tray by the door.

“Kamatari’d love it,” he commented. “Careful, though. He thinks he’s got a chance since you’ve cut ties with Kaoru.”

“That’s not for sure yet,” I countered immediately, wincing because of his words and the fact that I knew my own words to be mostly false. Kaoru was through with me... at least, until I got my act straight. Even then, who knew? Maybe she’d have the perfect boyfriend by that point. She could get herself a guy who told her everything, who complimented her looks, and one who did not wake whoever else was in the room more than once a week with nightmares.

Chou looked at me, then shrugged. It was an argument neither of us would win, and it was just as well that we let it drop.

“Well, you’re invited in any case,” he offered again. “What do you say?”

It sounded like I would go along for the ride, then spend all of my time indoors because I was working with one arm and a fear of winter. Anything was better than hashing it out with Uncle Hiko.

“Sure.”

Chou smirked and pulled my cigarette butt from my fingers, grinding it down into the sand. I had forgotten about it entirely, my numb fingers not really feeling it.

“It’s colder than Hades out here,” he said. “Let’s go.”

^_^

Uncle Hiko declared the trip to be a good idea. The doctors were a bit more cautious, throwing warning after warning at me, telling me that only a fool would attempt to ski with healing bones. I did not intend to do any skiing, so I told them they did not have to worry about that. After all, barely a month after being shot in the shoulder, I was not prepared to be doing any overly strenuous activities.

The drive to Colorado was not a short one, and it was done over two days. It was just as well. I stuck my nose in a book and spent most of the time doing homework. Except for one English course, I had taken all incompletes that semester, under strict orders to have the work finished before the end of January. I got a C in that English class because the professor was an ass who did not care that I had nearly been killed over Thanksgiving break.

“You’re not dead or in a coma. You can show up to class and do the work.” Those were his exact words. It took every shred of willpower I possessed not to tell him to take his class and shove it. I needed the credits toward my major.

Chou drove most of the way, though he let Anji drive when he got tired. Anji, who I learned was one of Chou’s buddies from way back, was a decent enough guy. He was bigger than Uncle Hiko--which was impressive to say the least--and quiet. He took shotgun for the most part, leaving me in the back seat with whatever luggage that did not fit in the trunk. I did not care. I just shoved it around and used the softer bags and jackets as a cushion while I studied or dozed.

We got into Vail late on the twenty-third, struggling into the condo (which Chou’s family owned) sometime close to midnight. Anji and Chou carried most of the bags, while I took up the rear with the food. That took several trips, and I had a healthy respect for the handles on those brown paper bags by the time I was done.

No one wanted to do much of anything by that point, so we threw the perishable food in the refrigerator and crashed for the night. So exhausted were we that none of us cared to pull out the hide-a-bed, and I slept on the couch instead. It was a slow start to what promised to be a slow, leisurely vacation.

^_^

Kamatari arrived early the following morning with his bags in his arms and a pine tree strapped to the roof of his sedan. Chou and Anji were still in their pajamas, and I was in my clothes from the previous day. Even so, no one really cared as Kamatari told me to clear a space for the tree while he and the others got it off the car, up the stairs, and into the place.

I was working on moving the heavy arm chair when they came back inside, pine needles raining around them. Remembering the tree stand, I snatched it off the counter and stuck it in the corner, where there still was not enough space for the tree because I could not move that chair alone.

“Get the chair, Anji!” Chou grunted, yelping slightly in complaint when one of the branches jabbed him in the neck. I could hear him cursing as Anji let the trunk fall to the floor.

“Whose idea was it to get the injured guy to move an object bigger than him?” Anji replied, grabbing the arms of the chair and hauling it back. I sighed at how easy he made that look.

“Out of the way, sweetheart!” Kamatari suggested, giving me just enough time to leap to the side as the tree came barging into my space. I scrambled over the displaced coffee table and nearly fell on the couch before righting myself and standing to watch them manhandle the tree around.

It must have been around seven feet tall, the branches filling the space around it when let down from their ropes. There was a bare spot on one side which they turned to face the corner, and then we spent another ten minutes trying to get the thing straight. That is, Chou was on his belly on the floor, his legs the only things we could see from under the pine branches, while Anji and Kamatari pushed the tree back and forth, and I told them ‘to the left’ or ‘a little further right’ until we got it how we wanted it. Then, of course, we had forgotten to get the other perspective, so Chou had to climb back under the tree to adjust it so it was not leaning back against the wall. He was not happy about that, and his hair was riddled with short pine needles by the time we were done.

“All right!” Kamatari clapped his hands together when the tree was up. “You three can all get ready now. I’ll unpack and get the decorations out.”

I stared at him for a minute, wondering at him in his red and green sweater and jeans. His hair was tugged back into a hasty ponytail, his face scrubbed clean, and he seemed perfectly content like this. It was far different from the young man I had last seen in September. God, had it only been three and a half months?

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Kamatari caught me staring and promptly misinterpreted it. “Did you need some help?”

My face warmed, and I shook my head, hurriedly turning to retrieve my bags. After nearly six weeks of using a sling, I had it down to an art. I found my stuff and dragged it off to the bathroom.

^_^

We spent the afternoon decorating the condo for Christmas. Actually, I spent most of that time cleaning up. This included running the dishes through the dishwasher since most of them were dusty and greasy from not having been used in months. I went through the cupboards, putting away the food we had recently purchased and sorting through what was already there. I threw out boxes of stale cereal, crackers as well as one bottle of milk that was way past its expiration. Chou protested that, to which I responded by pouring him a glass of that lumpy milk and suggesting he drink it. Looking a little green, he suggested that I dump it--just this once.

Once the kitchen was in order, I started lunch and produced a meal worthy of a ten-year-old. That is, I made grilled cheese sandwiches, a can of vegetable soup and a can of tomato soup. The other guys took a break from the strenuous task of putting tinsel on the tree and made short work of the food.

I was impressed, really. They actually took the time to reorganize the furniture in the living space, going so far as to pull the hide-a-bed from the couch and put sheets on it, before breaking out with the decorations. I suspected Kamatari’s presence affected that. No way would Chou have bothered otherwise.

Cleaning up after lunch took a little time, and of course no one else offered to help. They returned to the boxes of Christmas decorations and decided to string multicolored lights around the room. That would be interesting.

^_^

Chou, Anji, and Kamatari went skiing that afternoon. They invited me along, but I knew I would just end up spending the day wasting my ticket staying inside with a bunch of strangers, most of whom would ignore me. Better to save my money and be alone in a fairly familiar place. They promised to bring back a good movie that night.

So, I spent my afternoon doing homework and watching whatever was on TV. Time crawled, and I found myself staring at the clock, wishing it would go faster. For a time, I questioned myself, wondering if this trip had been a good idea. If I was going to be alone much of the time anyway... I might as well have stayed in the dorm.

A sudden weariness struck me, and I set my books aside. I crawled into the hide-a-bed and dozed away the rest of the day.

^_^

I woke sometime late that night when I felt the flimsy bed shift. Not certain where I was at first, I glanced up in alarm, only to start when light fingers rested on my forehead.

“It’s just me, sweetheart. Go back to sleep.”

“What--”

“There’s only three beds,” he explained. “And the other two are twins. Chou figured you wanted to sleep on this since that’s what you were doing today and last night.”

“I’m sorry...” I tried to figure out what he was saying. Hazy from sleep, it was not an easy task. “I didn’t--”

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart,” Kamatari whispered. “You want me to see if Anji’ll switch with you?”

“No... that’s okay...” I was surprisingly indifferent about the whole thing. Shifting slightly to make more room for the other man, I closed my eyes again. I should not have been able to sleep with how much I had been doing that lately, but the laziness rose to greet me again.

“Kenshin?”

I sighed and mumbled an incoherent response, wondering what Kamatari wanted when we were supposed to be sleeping.

“You okay?”

Another mumble was my reply. I rolled onto my side, drifting away from the world. If he talked anymore, I did not hear it.

^_^

I woke early the next morning feeling hazy and unmotivated. Kamatari was still sleeping, pressed close to my back, his arm slung carelessly over my shoulder. Cautiously extricating myself from the unwitting embrace, I slid off the bed and made my way to the bathroom. The muted barking of a dog outside somewhere made me pause. There was this distant recollection of opening my eyes to seeing a golden, furry face lunging at me.

I shook my head, pushing it away. That was not the time to be brooding over such things. Recalling that I had gotten a gift for Kamatari and a card for Chou, I tried to think about those instead. Christmas was supposed to be a cheerful holiday. Kamatari would probably be grinning away, pouncing the presents under the tree and demanding we do something special for dinner. The least I could do was try to act happy.

^_^

Kamatari gave me two gifts--one for Christmas and another, he said, as a ‘get well’ present. The Christmas gift was an oddly colored sweater. It was pink... sort of. It looked like it was meant to be red but had faded into this lighter shade. Very strange. He made me promise I’d wear it that day.

The other gift was, of all things, a Care Bear. It was the yellow one with the sun on its white tummy. ‘Funshine Bear’ was its name according to the tag. Kamatari smiled brightly as I stared at it.

“For all those times when you’re feeling down, sweetheart,” he said, patting my shoulder lightly. “Doesn’t it just cheer you up looking at it?”

“It’s making my eyes hurt,” I murmured, tucking the thing under my arm and slouching back on the bed. I offered a weak smile. “Thanks, Kamatari.”

He lowered his eyes, although he was still smiling. Chou lifted his eyebrows at me, and I frowned back at him. Thankfully, Kamatari broke the silence by reaching for the next gift.

“You got me something, sweetheart?”

It was the latest book by Robin Hobb. Kamatari loved the series, once telling me that the Fool was his idol. I had no idea what he was talking about, of course, having never read the books. Either way, he loved it.

“And in hard cover!” he swooned over the book, barely parting with it to hook his arm around my neck and press his lips to my cheek in a jubilant gesture of gratitude. “Thank you, sweetheart! I was waiting for it to come out in paperback. You know, the libraries never get this book!”*

“Happy Hanukah... or whatever,” I said, absently wiping my cheek. He stuck his tongue out, dragging his thumb over his lower lip and turning it to display...

“No lipstick this time!”

Ah. Well, that did not mean I could not feel the damp spot where his mouth had hit.

“Don’t we get anything?” Chou inserted then, scowling in feigned jealousy. “I mean, I got you something, Kamatari!”

Chou gave Kamatari the ever practical gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. Kamatari liked it almost as much as the book I gave him. Most people who liked to read, I discovered, loved those certificates (gift cards now, so they could make you spend every last cent of it on them).

“Of course I got you something!” Kamatari pulled out the last gift and held it out. It was pretty big, rectangular and wrapped in magazine ads. Those ads looked like they came from a somewhat inappropriate magazine, although (thankfully) none of them showed anything.

Chou tore into the paper, shreds of it fluttering to the carpet. I stared at the scraps for a few seconds, compulsively driven to pick them up. I restrained myself, lifting my eyes to the box in Chou’s hands, which was open, tissue paper flying.

“All right!” Chou smirked and held up what appeared to be some sort of video game. “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City!”

He would never be torn away from his Playstation again. The man was a video game fanatic.

“I think that’s it,” Kamatari smiled apologetically at Anji. “I didn’t even know you were coming, Anj’. I would have brought a little something for you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Anji smiled faintly and stood, brushing pieces of Chou’s gift wrapping off his lap. “Who wants omelets?”

“You’re cooking?” Chou snorted incredulously.

“You want Kenshin to cook?” Anji offered. I prayed Chou said no. If he expected me to make omelets, then he was sorely mistaken. Scrambled eggs I might have managed, but I had never made an omelet in my life.

“No!” Kamatari piped up quickly, grabbing my wrist before I could stand. “He’s been doing everything around here--Chou, don’t even think about mentioning Christmas decorations because you know that doesn’t count. Someone else needs to do the cooking.”

“I don’t mind,” I muttered, even though I really preferred to go along with his assertion.

“Shut up,” Kamatari ordered, and I closed my mouth, startled by his authoritative behavior. “I’m going to shower and get dressed. Chou and Anji are going skiing again today, so you and I are going to a movie. Lord of the Rings is out.”

“I thought you were going to rent a movie,” I murmured in mild bewilderment.

“Change of plans,” Kamatari retorted, climbing to his feet and pulling me out of the social room.

“Wait--”

“I need some help picking out what to wear, sweetheart!”

That sounded like the Kamatari I remembered. Sighing in mock impatience, I let him drag me down the hall to where his bags were stored.

^_^

*In truth, Kenshin probably would not have been able to get this book yet. Last one was released in January of this year, and following with typical release schedules, I predict the next to be released next January or later. *shrug* Whatever. The insertion of that particular series was a bit of a joke on my part.

^_^

We went to the one o’clock showing of the third Lord of the Rings film. Afterwards, we stopped at the video rental place to pick up a couple other movies for later days. Kamatari wanted to stop at the grocery--apparently, he knew a recipe for some sort of Asian curry that would ‘knock my socks off’--but it was closed for the holiday.

“We usually make turkey or ham for Christmas dinner,” he informed me while I stood by the counter, watching him dig through the cupboards and pantry for various items. “But since it’s really better to let a big turkey cook for a long time, we can’t have that... I don’t think we have one anyway.”

“Turkey?” I wanted something to drink, but I did not want to get in his way, so I stayed where I was, shifting restlessly on my feet. “No. Just that sliced stuff... no ham either.”

“Pity,” Kamatari grinned and pulled a bag of salad out of the refrigerator. “I guess that means we’ll make do with turkey sandwiches and salads. Mustard?”

“Yuck--no,” I grimaced, moving to help him, but he just chased me away.

“I’ll do it,” he said quickly. “You... get some napkins.”

“I’m not helpless,” I muttered. “I made lunch yesterday.”

“Just relax,” Kamatari frowned at me, waving toward a chair with the butter knife. “You’re always doing something. And you look tired.”

I was not always doing something. The previous day had been a good example of how Kamatari’s statement was not true. It was also proof of why I constantly searched for things to do. Despite the medication, depression snuck up on me rather suddenly when I was sitting idle. Inactivity gave me time to think--time for my mind to wander--which I tried to avoid as my train of thought usually followed along an unhappy track.

However, Kamatari probably would not let me help unless I actually explained all that to him. So I sat at the table to wait. There was a deck of cards by the wall, and I picked them up, flipping through them absently. Even without the sling, my range of movement was not great, nor was it completely comfortable. I did not use my arm much at all. The healing bone informed me it was not ready for it. Another two weeks and I would be pushing through the various exercises of physical therapy. I was caught between anticipating and dreading it.

“What do you say we make cookies after dinner?” Kamatari asked as he put a plate in front of me. “I’ve got the materials to make chocolate chip, peanut butter, or sugar. No sprinkles though.”

“Let’s do chocolate chip,” I agreed. It did sound like a nice way to spend the evening. Chou and Anji probably would not get back for another couple hours anyway.

So, we had our early dinner, cleaned up from that, and cranked up the oven for baking. Kamatari pulled out two bags of chocolate chips, declaring we would double the recipe to account for the voracious appetites of our temporarily absent companions. We dug out the supply of CDs, stuck in an old Bon Jovi album (as that was the only thing we could agree on), and set to work.

Conversation was limited to small talk which was centered around Kamatari and his life at Harvard. It sounded like a lot of studying with less free time. That was likely due to his course load as opposed to the different school. A lot of studying and some friends... it was appealing. I would have given just about anything to have had the same type of semester.

The first batch turned out horribly burned, which Kamatari decided was a result of the high altitude and our lack of attention to it. Fair enough. We made enough to feed everyone on my dorm floor--two apiece, no less--so a dozen blackened chocolate chip cookies was not a great tragedy. Kamatari threw them into a bag, claiming he would use them to feed the squirrels. I put them in the trash when he was not looking. Of course, he noticed an instant later, and he nearly tackled me for it.

“You little twerp!” He hooked his arm around my neck, dragging me around the kitchen. I yelped and staggered, grabbing for his sweater as I tried to keep from falling.

“Wait a minute--!” I cut off, squirming back when his knuckles rubbed over my skull roughly. “Ow! Kama--!”

I cut off abruptly, startled when he suddenly let go. Running my fingers through my bangs and back into my ponytail to shove some of the hair back into place, I glanced at him in confusion. He had an odd look on his face--guilty, concerned, and a little fearful.

“I’m so sorry,” he said quickly. “I forgot--” He cut off, biting his lip nervously. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” I said slowly, thrown by his sudden caution.

The timer chose that moment to go off, and Kamatari looked vastly relieved.

“Cookies!” he announced, snatching up the oven mitt and jumping away from me.

I stared at his back, not certain how to react. That expression had been so strange. I wondered what he had been thinking.

“This one’s good!”

Shaking my head, I went to help him push the next batch into the oven. If he kept acting like that, I would comment. One incident was nothing to get worried about.

^_^

We had rented Bourne Identity, Minority Report, and My Fair Lady. Kamatari picked out that last one. Typical Kamatari. Chou and Anji appreciated my choices when faced with that one. Not that it mattered. No one was in the mood for movie-watching that night. We sat around the table with cookies, beer, and milk. Chou and Anji were drinking the alcohol. I was still banned from it until June, and Kamatari had no taste for it.

“New year’s resolutions,” Chou tossed the subject out, and we considered it. “I’m going to get all passing grades for the rest of my college career.”

“Bold,” Anji muttered. “I suppose then I should say I will do the same.”

“What about the monastery?” Kamatari wondered, and I looked up in surprise. Anji was quiet--mild and gentle--despite his imposing presence. Even so, I never expected him to be the type to make such a move.

“My family still does not approve,” Anji shrugged.

“The hell with them,” Chou grunted, throwing back a swig of his Miller and glaring at Anji out of the corner of his eye. “That kind of thing, man... you can’t face your parents, you can’t make it there.”

Anji frowned and picked up his own beer, refusing to reply. It was an odd way to say it, but Chou had a point. As one who had failed--repeatedly--to meet numerous challenges, I had to admit that much.

“What about you, sweetheart?” Kamatari nudged my side gently, and I glanced at him before shrugging. I honestly had no idea what I was going to resolve. It seemed there were many things in my life that needed to be changed--reevaluated. “Well,” he continued, hesitating only a bit when I did not give an answer. “I am going to stop cross-dressing.”

The reaction was immediate. All three of us looked at Kamatari in shock, Chou even going so far as to mutter a startled, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Kamatari shrugged, tracing odd patterns in the condensation on his glass.

“I don’t do it much now anyway,” he murmured. “And something like that could wreak havoc on my career. My parents will appreciate me for it.”

“We just talked about this,” Chou growled, glaring at Kamatari, then Anji, then back at Kamatari. His gaze moved to me a minute later, and he snorted, shoving his chair back. “God, I’m surrounded by a bunch of sissies.” That said, he walked out of the kitchen.

Well that stung. I certainly never expected him to draw me into the ring like that, even if he was right.

“Ahhh, to live a life without the great pressures of politics,” Kamatari murmured, standing as well. “I suppose it’s about time we hit the sack. Anji?”

“Merry Christmas,” Anji grumbled, leaving his beer and napkin on the table when he slunk out of the room.

True... We ended on a rather sour note that night. Kamatari giggled softly, and I glanced at him uncertainly. He reached up and ruffled my bangs, making me frown and stand to get away from it.

“What’s life without a bit of sacrifice?” he asked as I picked up after our messy roommates. “It makes you stronger, right?”

“Not always,” I replied quietly, putting the milk in the refrigerator and walking out of the kitchen. Kamatari trailed after me silently. Neither of us spoke as we prepared for bed. It was a bit awkward this time, climbing onto the bed next to him. It was big--the couch was very long, making the bed very wide--and two more of us could have fit on it. Even so, I had to remind myself of where I was and who I was with.

“It does,” Kamatari spoke as I reached for the light, and I had to struggle to figure out what he was talking about. “If you’re willing to be stronger.”

How perfectly confusing of him. I closed my eyes and tried to push the words away. They nagged at me a bit, but I did not understand them at the time. A little later, I managed to forget about it long enough to fall asleep. Kamatari did not speak again that night.

^_^

I woke from a particularly bad dream sometime early the following morning. I couldn’t remember much about it, just fleeting impressions that had me shaking and gasping as I began to realize I was finally awake. Even as I recognized this simple fact, I noticed how small my surroundings seemed.

It should have bothered me, being that close to someone else. A month ago, I would have jumped back, scrambling to get away from the man with his arms around me. My mind must have been moving slowly, perhaps as a result of the dream, because I found myself not wanting to move. It was very appealing, suddenly, to curl up against him, knowing he would never do anything to hurt me.

“Mmm,” Kamatari sighed, a quiet vibration against my cheek. “You’re feverish, sweetheart.”

That might have had something to do with it, too.

Neither of us moved. The trembling had stopped for the most part, my breathing back to normal--regular like the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Kamatari had stretched out on his side, his arm under my head while the other rested loosely over my shoulder. Sometime during the night, I must have crunched up against him because we were mostly on his side of the bed. Not that he seemed ready to complain, his chin resting comfortably on my skull, my nose against his throat. He had a vaguely sweaty scent which was (fortunately) not too strong to handle. Still, he needed a shower, as I probably did.

“I think we should stay here today,” Kamatari murmured, and I grimaced at how his throat hummed so close to my face. “The stores will be crazy today with gift certificate holders and people returning gifts they hated. Plus, if you’re getting sick, we shouldn’t push you.”

I wasn’t worried about them pushing me. Hell, I rarely pushed myself, so it was probably good that someone did. It reminded me of something Sano said once... months ago. I didn’t remember the exact words, but I did remember how mad it made me. It was something about me not being able to take any control in a relationship. He said he did not mean it, but he never would have said it if it did not hold some measure of truth. It would not have hurt so much if it was completely false.

Laying there, curled up against Kamatari’s chest, it ate at me. There I was, passive as ever, probably giving Kamatari the wrong idea with how I was not pulling away.

My thoughts turned to Kaoru. How many times had I leaned on her, taking from her, needing her support? How often had I returned the favor?

Groaning, protesting my thoughts, the morning, and just about everything else that came with being conscious, I rolled away from Kamatari. His hand slid over my arm without purchase, thankfully not attempting to hold me back. I avoided looking at him as I slid off the bed and walked around to the kitchen. My mouth was dry, and I wanted a drink.

Behind me, I heard the quiet sounds of Kamatari getting up. It was just another day to work through.

^_^

The fever Kamatari claimed I had turned out to be nothing. In actuality, I had not been ill since I caught the flu the previous spring, which was unusual. Well, the times I had been injured more than made up for it.

We went sightseeing the next day. It was more for Anji and me than for Kamatari or Chou, as both had been to Vail multiple times. Either way, it started out nice, Chou driving us up into the mountains. There were several little pit stops on the way, mostly scenic overlooks and such. At the top of the mountain, there was a gift shop and a set of stairs to climb to the top. We decided against that, wishing to avoid the exposed mountaintop in the dead of winter. Not many others were there either.

On the way back, we stopped at a little picnic place. We ate in the car, using the place as a parking lot. Kamatari climbed out afterwards, declaring it time to stretch his legs. It seemed like a good idea, so I followed, Chou and Anji not far behind. We ended up on a rocky ledge, staring out at the most incredible view I had ever seen. It seemed to go on forever, the sunny day making everything look crystal clear. Pine trees covered the base of each mountain, a road meandering through the side of another, a bridge spanning between two mountainsides, and a snow white riverbed, thousands of feet below us at the base of the steep hillside.

It would be so easy.

The thought came to me, completely unexpected and jarring in its sincerity. Heart pounding, I jerked back, away from the edge. My foot hit a patch of ice, and my heart skipped a beat as I scrambled to remain upright.

“Kenshin?” Anji was the first to notice my retreat, and I lifted my arm in a hurried wave.

“It’s cold,” I said, struggling to keep the tremor out of my voice. That thought had been truly frightening. Even in my morbid thoughts after Tomoe had died, when Enishi pulled that gun on me... never had I thought such a thing. Never had I considered it. And never had I believed that it would not be such a bad thing.

I paused next to the car, breathing raggedly, white clouds dissolving in the air before me.

Would anyone really be worse off?

Yanking the door open, I climbed into the back seat and slammed the door shut behind me. Shuddering in disgust, I stared out the window at the snow lined road. It was stupid. Just... stupid. How could anyone even spare a moment for it? I still remembered Tomoe crying and Aunt Tokio crouching in front of us, speaking to me...

“Kenshin, sweetie... Your daddy is not coming home tonight. He has a new home. He’s in heaven now... with Mommy.”

The tickle of a tear rolling down my cheek pulled me out of the memory. I wiped the damp away and closed my eyes. With a shaky sigh, I kicked off my shoes and twisted, laying on my back on the bench. No one would question me if they thought I was just tired and needed sleep.

^_^

It was another all-day trip to the slopes the day after that. I went along, bringing my book and notes to keep myself occupied. Truth be told, I was afraid of what I would do if left alone in the condo all day. Chances were, I would sleep the day away again, but it unnerved me to be alone. At least I had people around me in the ski lodge.

“I feel bad,” Kamatari said that night as we were getting ready for bed. “It must have been boring...”

“It’s okay,” I said uneasily. “I don’t mind.”

He was quiet for awhile, and I thought we would have a night of silence. Of course, I was mistaken. It seemed I usually was.

“Are you okay, Kenshin?” he asked softly. I could feel his eyes on me as I sat on the bed. “You seem troubled.”

I glanced at him, shrugged, and slid under the covers. If I tried to answer that how I really wanted, he would know I was lying. It was better to keep silent, I thought as I rolled onto my side, away from him.

“What’s wrong, Kenshin?” he asked again, sitting next to me, his hand on my shoulder.

There were so many answers to that question, I could not begin to know how to answer it.

“Please... don’t keep this to yourself,” Kamatari tried again. “It only hurts you if you do.”

I knew that, but habits were difficult to break.

“Kenshin...”

He kept using my name. Where was the ‘sweetheart’ that he so enjoyed calling me? I found it disturbing, the difference bothering me, making me wonder what he was thinking. Why was he getting so formal again?

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, honest at the very least.

“I know,” Kamatari sighed.

We rested quietly for awhile, Kamatari thinking who knows what while I tried to keep the tears from my eyes. God, I was getting so emotional! It was irritating and disturbing, especially with the way my chest hurt, my stomach threatening to reject dinner, and my hands starting to shake.

“Sweetheart, you’re breathing funny,” Kamatari said, some alarm in his voice. “Are you--You’re shaking!”

His hand went to my head, and I found myself cringing away from the contact, gasping when normal breathing failed me. My chest ached, my eyes burning, nothing else working quite right. I did not resist when Kamatari pulled me back against his chest.

“Kenshin--”

As the old saying went, the dams broke, and I lost track of things for awhile. I cried a little, telling Kamatari everything, halting sentences making their way through it all. I told him about my troubles with Kaoru, Aunt Tokio, about the psychologists Uncle Hiko made me see, how I couldn’t eat, how I felt uncomfortable around Sano and Megumi, and the latest, which frightened me the most, of my suicidal thoughts the previous day. I told him things I’d not even considered telling Kaoru. About the lingering terror from that awful day before Thanksgiving, my confusion about Kevin and why he had any involvement in the deal.

Once started, I could not seem to stop, everything pouring out whether I liked it or not. How much time passed, I did not know. It could have been hours or twenty minutes with how the words flowed--so unsteadily. The tears stopped pretty quickly, only the thickness in my throat giving me difficulties.

Kamatari just hugged me, muttering nonsense to me as I finished talking. I was drained, physically and emotionally, still shuddering but calmer by that point. Sometime after that, I fell asleep, listening to Kamatari’s harsh breathing, feeling the dampness where his chin hit my head, his tears draining into my hair. I was not positive yet, but it felt better to know someone else knew about all that.

^_^