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My Life: Chapter 34 - Making Amends

by Fitz ::: 04.Jul.2003

You’ve got some growing up to do, sweetheart,” Kamatari told me a couple days later. Anji and Chou were out again, and we took up another cooking project. This time it was fudge. “You’re too selfish.”

“I know,” I sighed, eyeing the chocolate on the counter before dropping it into the double boiler.

“It’s not good enough just to know,” Kamatari retorted. He was cleaning the pans we’d already dirtied. “You have to want to change. If you don’t change, then you’ll never get past this.”

“You talk like you know,” I grumbled.

“You think I did not have to reevaluate things last spring?” he shot back. “I’ve taken advanced psychology courses, talked to my own shrinks. I know.”

“So what do you expect me to do, oh great Guru?” I asked, automatically reaching to turn down the stovetop temperature.

“Get a spine, for one thing,” Kamatari said. “I’ve got more balls than you, and I’m gay.”

“Funny,” I said dryly.

“Call Kaoru.” I winced.

“What if she’s already dating someone?”

“What if she’s not?” Kamatari countered. “You’ll never know if you don’t call. You know, someone said that if you wish never to fail, then do nothing at all. You’re doing a marvelous job at it, but you’ll never succeed either, will you?”

“Who said that?” I demanded.

“Not a clue,” Kamatari shrugged. “But it’s true. Kaoru’s the first step, you know. Talk to her. Be honest. Do something for her for a change.”

I stirred the melting chocolate, staring absently down into the dark brown swirls.

“What about Sano and Megumi?” I wondered. “Aunt Tokio? The whole... the mountain thing.” That was not easy to discuss, even though I already told him.

“Stop looking at all the problems at once,” Kamatari ordered. “It’s why you’re so overwhelmed. Don’t think about suicide. Do those other things, and you’ll feel better. That will fade on its own.”

“You really think so,” I said doubtfully.

“Yep.”

I sighed. It was going to be the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life.

“Okay,” I relented. “I’ll call Kaoru.”

Kamatari grinned and held out a clean pan.

“Pour it into this.”

^_^

“Come on. Nobody will ever know.”

“I really shouldn’t... Uncle Hiko said--”

“Screw what Uncle Hiko said. You need to live a little!”

“But my shoulder--”

“I’ll help if you need it.”

And so Kamatari shoved me into the driver’s seat of his Saturn. He grinned at me, dragged the seatbelt over my shoulder and clipped it into place at my hip. I stared at him anxiously, flinching away from the car door when he slammed it shut.

“I’ve never driven, Kamatari,” I protested again as he climbed into the car next to me. “My permit is long since expired. I probably have to take the test over again.”

“Don’t worry so much,” Kamatari strapped himself in. “Look. It’s all open road. Just stay at the posted, keep the car between the yellow line and the white line, and you’ll be fine. If someone wants to go around you, slow down and let them. That’s all you need to remember.”

“You could get fined if someone pulls me over,” I pointed out, eyeing the various levers and buttons on and around the steering wheel. I did not even know how to use a turn signal. “How do I--”

“Just start by turning the key and getting the engine started,” he advised.

Sighing, I did as he said. It coughed once before settling into a soft drone, and I pulled my hand away from the ignition. This was a bad idea in my mind. I was certain I was going to get us into an accident.

“Now what?” I glanced at the levers around the wheel--one on the left, one on the right. There was another stick between the two seats.

“Start by figuring out how to work everything,” Kamatari said. “Find the turn signal.”

One-by-one, he drilled me on the various necessities. We went through the turn signal, windshield wipers, headlights, cruise control--which he said I would not use for awhile--breaks and emergency breaks, and various other things. It was not that difficult to remember, and I glanced to the gear shift between the seats.

“Park,” he pointed at the different letters. “Reverse, drive, first and second gears. You won’t likely use those last two, so ignore them for now. Push the button to shift gears.”

I got the hang of that pretty quickly, adjusted the mirrors to suit my height, and we were ready (supposedly) to go.

“Let’s get on the highway,” Kamatari suggested.

“If I get you killed, just remember this is all your fault,” I said, tense as I glanced over my shoulder, wondering just how I was going to do this.

“I’ll write it out in blood and sign it,” he joked. “Go.”

I went. The car moved smoothly, at least it did until I jumped on the breaks, making Kamatari gasp in surprise.

“Nothing’s there, sweetheart,” he murmured. “Keep going.”

Moaning uneasily, I nodded and released the break. The car moved on its own, which Kamatari assured me was what it was supposed to do. I just had to use the gas pedal to get it to the speed I wanted.

We were heading home for the rest of break. Chou’s parents wanted the condo for the new year, and we were booted out. Kamatari was flying out of St. Paul the next week anyway, so it was just as well. So early Tuesday morning, we set out for Minnesota, determined to make it in one shot. So no one had to ride alone, I volunteered to go with Kamatari, which I was regretting as I eased the car out of the parking lot of the rest stop.

“I’m not going to have to make any exits or highway changes, am I?” I asked, staring down the row of rapidly approaching cars.

“Not for a couple hundred miles,” Kamatari replied. “Go.”

“There’s a--”

“Go!”

I went. One the road, I actually managed to get the car to the right speed before the other car caught up with us. Kamatari smirked.

“I told you it’s simple,” he settled back, closing his eyes. I panicked.

“Wait a minute!” I snapped. “You’re going to sleep?!”

“Hold it...” Kamatari yawned, eyeing the car that moved past us rapidly, pulling in front of us and slowing again. I recognized Chou’s car. “Just follow him. You’ll be fine. If you’ve got problems, just shout. I’ll wake up.”

I groaned.

“My first time driving--illegally, no less--and you’re leaving me to go solo,” I complained.

“I need to be awake to drive when it gets dark,” Kamatari explained confidently. “We’ll pull over for dinner, and we’ll trade then. Fair?”

“Write that contract and sign it,” I muttered.

Despite my protests, it was easier than I thought it would be. I really did not have to move my arms too much, my left hand settling nicely on the bottom of the steering wheel, so it did not make the ache in my shoulder any worse. It was not overly windy, the roads clear of any ice, and it was pretty much a straight stretch. Chou must have figured out who was driving because he kept close to the speed limit, not passing every car in sight as he did on the way to Colorado.

Sighing to relieve some of my tension, I settled back and concentrated on keeping the car in the right lane, Chou’s sedan a comforting sight ahead of me. A couple times someone passed us, making me jump. I remembered Kamatari’s advice, slowed down, and let them pass. Then, we were driving steadily again until we pulled into a McDonald’s, four hours later.

^_^

We had to scramble for a place to stay as the University generally looked down upon those remaining in the dorms without prior notice. That is, we had to pay a fee to stay there between semesters, not to mention no meals were served.

A few calls the previous day, and we secured a place to sleep--a couple places, actually. Anji was going home, Chou and Kamatari both accepting invitations to stay with him. I considered accepting, but I really did not know Anji let alone his family, so I made another call. Thus, Kamatari dropped me off at a small house in Bloomington before leaving to join the other two.

“You sure you’ll be okay?” he asked, carrying my suitcase for me while I toted along my backpack. It was an excuse. The hour was creeping up on midnight, and I was equally grateful for the company.

“It’s Sano’s family,” I nodded. “It’ll be fine.”

“Call if you need anything,” Kamatari ordered. “I put the number in your bag.”

“When did you do that?” I asked, pushing the doorbell.

“I wasn’t sleeping the entire time while you drove,” he laughed. “Come here.”

I dropped my bag and hooked my arm behind his back, letting him pull me against him in a cautious embrace. For once it did not feel so awkward. I tilted my head back to rest my chin up on his shoulder.

“You’re fine, sweetheart,” he murmured. “Just remember that I love you, as do a host of other people. Okay? Call me your big brother.”

“Brother?” I challenged quietly.

“Ah hah,” he tugged on my ponytail lightly, drawing away. “I guess I could do sister, couldn’t I?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Happy New Year, Kamatari.”

“Very touching scene,” Sano’s sarcastic voice broke over us, and we glanced up to see him standing in the doorway, a bold smirk on his face, his arms crossed over his chest. “You two are going to freeze to death out here. You coming in, Kamatari?”

“No, I should get going,” Kamatari smiled and handed Sano my suitcase. Turning, he walked down the steps and toward his car, waving as he went. “Good night, all.”

“Good night,” I called after him, even as Sano pulled me into the house.

“Yeah, good night!” he added, slamming the door shut. Yawning widely for show, he pointed down the hall. “You. Me. Sleep. Now.”

I nodded and followed him to the bedrooms.

^_^

Wednesday came, and along with it the excitement of New Year’s Eve. I slept better than I had over the past week, which was not surprising considering I had spent the last week sleeping in an uncomfortable hide-a-bed with another person. It was not a recipe for a good night’s sleep.

I decided that since I was already with Sano, I would take care my affairs with him before calling Kaoru. I felt better about the whole thing since discussing it with Kamatari. Suddenly, it did not seem so huge.

That did not mean, however, it was an easy thing to do. I must have attempted to bring up the subject about seven times that day without any success. Settings such as three of us sitting around a Playstation game or chasing Yahiko and Sano around outside in a snow war were not conducive to serious conversations. We were winding down, preparing for dinner at about six o’clock that night when I finally said what I needed to say. Of course, ‘blurted’ might have been a better description for it.

“I hate to quote a cliché, but you look like a drowned rat,” Sano informed me. He walked into the guest room without bothering to knock, and I was only half out of my clothes.

“I blame the two who decided it would be funny to gang up on me,” I replied, digging through my bag for a clean sweatshirt.

“You deserved it,” Sano grimaced. “If you ever drop snow down my shirt again, I will dump you into a snow bank.”

“You dumped the snow bank on me,” I rolled my eyes. “Although, it was worth it to hear that girly little shriek.”

“It was not a girly shriek, girly-boy,” Sano shot back.

I failed to bring up a proper retort, so I took the towel off my head and pulled on a warm, dry sweatshirt. The cold had seeped in already, and it would take more than a sweatshirt to get me warm again. After tugging on a pair of flannel pants, I located a brush and went to work on my tangled hair.

“What’s for dinner?” I asked to fill the awkward silence.

“Chicken,” Sano blinked. “Oh, that’s what I was here to say. Dinner’ll be ready soon. What do you want to drink?”

“Water,” I replied automatically, and he turned to go.

A little voice in my head shouted at me, reminding me ‘Look! We have some privacy! Talk to him! Don’t let him get away!’ Sano looked pretty startled when I grabbed the back of his sweater.

“Wait!”

“What?” he looked at me curiously, and my voice failed me for a minute.

“Uh...” I choked on the urge to tell him it was nothing. “I-I...” I stuttered on that one for a few seconds while Sano looked at me uncertainly. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” he asked, honestly confused. “For shoving that ice down my shirt?”

“No...” I stared at the blue-gray carpet, then his feet, my feet, not really focusing on anything. “Um... this past year... this year, I didn’t really handle things very well. I was a jerk to everyone, and... and I’m sorry... I didn’t say anything... to you.”

It felt like I stood under his stare for an hour, but it was probably only a minute or so. He sighed finally, and I looked at him. He did not give me much of a chance to see him as I suddenly found myself pressed into his chest, my nose nearly crushed into his shoulder.

My pained complaint came out muffled from the material of his sweater, and he ignored it.

“Just don’t do anything like that to me again,” he ordered gruffly. “Okay, Kenshin?”

I nodded and awkwardly patted his back. He let go, and I sighed with relief, offering him a weak smile.

“Dinner time?”

He smirked and walked out of the room. Throwing my brush on the bed, I followed.

^_^

“You talked to Kaoru yet?”

Of all people, I should have expected Sano would ask about that. Even so... It made me sigh.

“No.” I was compelled to give an excuse, but I knew it would come off as just that, so I closed my mouth and left it alone. Sano knew how it felt. He had done the same thing not so long ago. Less than two months, actually. It seemed like a lifetime had passed, but it really was not that long.

“Want me to talk to her?” he offered.

“No.” That was automatic. I recalled my encounter with Megumi. I had no reason to believe Kaoru would ever shove so much of her emotional baggage on someone else like Megumi had, but I had promised--myself and Kamatari--that I would call Kaoru. I was not going to have someone else do it for me.

Sano just grinned at my response, shrugging and reaching for the remote control. He turned on the television and set the remote down again. We were watching the countdown on CBS. It was the celebration in New York, and it was only about ten minutes to midnight, when the ball would drop. I had watched it once when I was younger, and I recall being disappointed. I always thought they would actually drop that big glowing ball--just release it and let it shatter--but this was not the case. I guess it was just the product of a twelve-year-old boy’s imagination.

“When are you going to call her?” Sano asked casually.

“I don’t know.” I glanced over to Yahiko. The boy was falling asleep, eyelids drooping as he leaned into Mr. Sagara’s side. Mr. Sagara continued to read his book, some classic novel. I tilted my head to check the title. The Three Musketeers. It was not a bad book. I read it early on in high school.

“Your move, Kenshin.”

I glanced at the Checker board and smiled. Sano was very bad at the game, and it showed. I had most of my pieces left, and he had three. A half dozen more moves, assuming he did nothing too unpredictable, and I would have the game. I took one of his pieces, and he was down to two.

“Damn,” Sano sighed. “Take it. I’m getting a Pepsi. You want anything?”

I shook my head, muttering, “Thanks,” as I tossed the game board into its box. The reporter on the television was announcing that the countdown was only minutes away.

I had my resolution. My talk with Kamatari had helped with that. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right when he said I needed to grow up. I needed to be less selfish and more in tune to the world around me. That meant continuing with school and working on patching things up between me and everyone else.

Kaoru... Aunt Tokio... even Uncle Hiko.

“How’re you holding up, Kenshin?”

Mr. Sagara’s voice startled me, and I almost dropped the game box as I reached to put it on the shelf. Sano had gotten it down before, and I did not remember seeing him have to reach quite so far to do it. The shelf was higher than it looked, and I was not being overly successful balancing the box in one hand.

I need not have worried. Mr. Sagara was right behind me, smiling and taking the box from me to put it in its proper place. He looked down to meet my stare.

“You okay?”

“I guess,” I shrugged.

He was not talking about my trials with the Checkers box. That much was obvious when he wrapped his arm around my back and squeezed my shoulders lightly.

“Come watch the countdown with us.”

He pulled me back to the couch, and I found myself sitting opposite of Yahiko, who was barely awake. The boy’s eyes were bleary, and I doubt he really knew what was happening. Mr. Sagara kept him on a pretty strict sleeping schedule, and for him to be staying up hours past his bedtime without having something to keep him occupied probably was not easy.

It was two minutes to the new year. The strangest thing about it was that the people in New York’s Times Square had long since celebrated it. Eastern Time was an hour ahead of Central Time. It was creeping up on one o’clock in New York. But in Minnesota, we were finally ready for the fireworks to begin.

Sano came back into the room, a phone to his ear. It was probably Megumi. As their last Christmas season being technically single, Megumi and Sano chose to spend their breaks with their respective families. It made sense that Sano would call her. If they were not together, at least he could talk to her.

Sano grinned at me as he sat on the arm of the couch. Mr. Sagara immediately lifted his arm and swatted at Sano’s side, frowning in disapproval. Sano stood.

“Kenshin?”

I looked up, but Sano was not talking to me.

“Yeah, actually,” he said, his grin broadening. That was never a good sign. “Part of the reason I called. He wants to talk to you.”

I stared at him incredulously. He smirked at me again, and I frowned. If that was Megumi, why would he tell her I wanted to talk to her? So maybe it wasn’t his fiancée. Which meant--

“No, I’m serious,” he laughed. “He’s sitting right next to me--ack!” I blinked at the sudden sound of surprise. “He’s taking the phone from me. Kenshin relax, I give up! Let me say good-bye!”

What the hell was he talking about?

“Talk to you later, hon,” he said, still chuckling. “All right, all right, Kenshin. Here. Have the phone!”

He shoved the phone into my hand, and I looked at him, wondering if he had truly lost his mind. Covering the receiver, I glared at him.

“Who is it?” I demanded quietly.

“Find out,” he shrugged, unrepentant.

“Sano--”

“You going to leave the poor sap hanging?” he wondered.

“You--”

He walked away from me, ignoring how I glared at his back. Sighing impatiently, I lifted the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Kenshin?”

My heart jumped into action, choking me momentarily. I stared blankly ahead, registering the fading lights of the New York broadcast. It was already a minute past the new year. I had missed it while focusing on Sano’s bizarre conversation.

“Hello?”

I was silent for too long. Taking a breath, I said the first thing that came to mind.

“Happy New Year...” it came out barely louder than a whisper. “Kaoru.”

There was a long pause. I closed my eyes, horrified that it was the first time I spoke to the girl since before Thanksgiving and all I could think of to say was ‘happy new year.’ Suddenly, I was uncomfortably aware of Mr. Sagara’s arm, heavy over my shoulders in a fatherly manner. Pulling away, I stood and walked out of the room. Already, I felt the lump forming in my throat, and if I cried, I did not want anyone else to see it. Not even Sano.

“Kaoru?” I asked hopefully. She wouldn’t hang up on me, would she? If she was going to hang up, she would have before Sano gave me the phone. So... that meant she wanted to talk to me... right? No one else could answer the question for me. “Say something.”

She laughed quietly, an airy chuckle.

“Happy New Year, Kenshin,” she murmured finally. “How are you?”

“I don’t know,” I found my way into the guest room and closed the door. “I’m still figuring that out. You? Are you okay?”

She laughed again, this time the tone taking on a not-so-happy edge. It was rather unpleasant, and I winced.

“Hardly seems appropriate for you to be asking me that,” she said finally. “I wasn’t the one who got shot.”

“N-no,” I agreed uneasily. She sounded... tired. There was nothing else to describe it. It was not anger or even sadness--just exhaustion.

“You had no idea it was me on the phone, did you?” I winced again.

“No.”

She sighed, a buzz of wind in my ear.

“I should have known better than to think you’d actually call on your own.”

“I was going to call!” I responded in immediate anger. That statement had hurt. Being honest with myself, I had to admit that she was almost right. A couple weeks earlier, I would have chickened out. But I had promised. I promised myself I would straighten my life out. That included my relationship with Kaoru, and the only way to fix things with her was to actually call her. So yes, I was prepared to call her. Sano merely jumped ahead of me. I was intending to call her during the daytime hours.

“Really?” she challenged quietly. I barely heard her over the din of whatever party was happening in the background. “When?”

“I don’t know!” I snapped, still too irritated to think through my words properly. “I haven’t had the chance this week. I just got in town yesterday, and now it’s the holiday--”

“What about before that?” she suggested. “Before winter break?”

“Before?” I echoed, stalling as I struggled to find a reason. My anger dropped a notch, and it occurred to me that I had left her hanging for quite some time, even when she had requested that I call her. She told me to call her--wanted to talk to me--but I never did. “I...”

“Look, Kenshin,” she broke in before I could come up with anything to say. “Forget it. It’s okay--”

“No,” I interrupted, my anger rising again. I was not sure who deserved more of my anger at that moment--Kaoru or myself. Myself, of course, just for being as stupid as I was. Kaoru for being so stupid as to let me get away with being that stupid.

“What--”

“Don’t say it’s okay,” I cut her off again. “I know it’s not, and you need to stop saying it is.”

“Kenshin, you were through a terrible ordeal--” she started again.

“So?” I blurted. “I know what happened to me. Everyone knows what happened to me. But what about everyone else? I don’t know what happened between the time when I left the apartment and now. I don’t know anything about my aunt. I don’t know what happened to Chou’s old roommate. I don’t know what my uncle is doing right now. And I don’t know what you’ve been doing for the past month. Why should we keep hashing over what happened to me when the real problem seems to involve more than that?”

I stopped, finally noticing my erratic breathing and trying to control it. It would have been so much easier to let her tell me everything was fine. With any luck, she would take me back, and life would be as it was before Enishi came back into the picture. But the problems would still be there, hanging between us until they came back tenfold and destroyed everything again. I had ignored it all once, and this was where it got me. I could not live through that again.

“I-I...” I was choking up. Swallowing, I tried again. “I just... I don’t want you to think you have to force yourself. If you want to find someone else... with less problems, and--”

“Kenshin Himura, don’t you dare finish that thought,” Kaoru ordered sharply, and I shut my mouth. My vision was blurring. I really did not want to break it off with her--not permanently. There was something about her... something that drew me to her. I didn’t know what it was, nor did I understand it, but I was not ready to give it up just yet. “You know I won’t turn my back on someone just because they have a few problems.”

“I know!” I sniffed and wiped at my eyes uselessly. Well... it was not like there was anyone else in the room with me. I was turning into a sissy with how much I was crying lately. “I just don’t want to be one of those guys who can’t handle his own shit--”

“Stuff,” she corrected shakily.

“And I’m an ass because you’ve got problems too, but I ignore them,” I continued, ignoring her protest at my cursing. “You were trying to help me, and I blew up at you. I’m sorry.” I always seemed to babble when I got emotional. I would have to work on that. But for the moment, I kept talking. All I could come up with were apologies. “I’m sorry for not calling you sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner. I’m sorry--”

“Kenshin--” she protested.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. The tears were coming again. I ignored them for the most part. “I’m so sorry.”

“Kenshin...” Kaoru was whispering too. “Kenshin, are you crying?”

“No,” I muttered automatically, pausing slightly then nodding. “Yes.”

She laughed again, a brief burst of giggles. I was not entirely certain if it was in humor.

“It’s not funny,” I sniffed again, rubbing my nose.

“I know,” she sighed. “I love you, Kenshin. I still do.”

“Do you?” I asked wearily. I would probably fall asleep right after my conversation with her. “Then... would you go out with me again?”

“When?”

“When are you free?”

“Whenever.”

I smiled.

“Tomorrow?” I offered.

“What time?”

“We could do something in the afternoon.”

“Three?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Three sounds good.”

“I’ll pick you up at Sanosuke’s house.”

“That sounds pathetic,” I mumbled.

“You are pathetic,” Kaoru retorted. “Go dry your eyes and get some sleep.”

“What are you doing?” I countered.

“I’m playing Twister with my family.”

“While you’re on the phone?” I blurted incredulously.

“Now I am--whoops!” she yelped, as if to prove she was indeed playing the game. “Right hand, red circle. I’m out of hands, Kenshin. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I had to laugh.

“Good night, Kaoru.”

“That is not grounds for disqualification! I have to hang up the phone!”

^_^

I had a nightmare that night, but it was not as bad as they had been recently. It kept me up for a few minutes before my heartbeat slowed, and I was able to close my eyes again. It was probably the first time I had been able to go back to sleep after such a dream--ever.

Surprisingly, Sano was awake by the time I got up the next morning. He was sitting at the kitchen table, nose buried in the daily comics. He glanced up and smirked when I walked into the room.

“Look who’s finally up,” he chuckled. “How’s Kaoru?”

“Kaoru?” I echoed blandly, smiling when he lifted his eyebrows curiously. “Oh, Kaoru’s fine. She’s great.”

“So I take it your conversation went well,” he murmured, folding up the paper and setting it on the table in front of him.

“Yeah,” I nodded, reaching for the comics he discarded. I sighed, absently folding the paper smaller. “We’re going out today. Three o’clock.”

“All right!” he grinned boldly. “I done good?”

“Yeah,” I said again, smirking at him. He had no idea. “You done real good.”

I whacked him with the newspaper, resulting in a satisfying yelp.

“Hey!”

“If you ever do that to me again, I’ll kick your ass, you moron!” I snapped. For good measure, I smacked the paper over his head again.

“Ow!” he complained again. “What--ow!” It felt pretty good to keep whacking him like that. It was not like I was really hurting him. “What did I do? Hey!”

I thwapped him once more, much to the amusement of his younger brother, who was snickering over his Cheerios nearby.

“Just because you don’t have the guts to call your girlfriend when you’ve had a fight doesn’t mean I don’t!” I growled. “I fully intended to call her, and now she thinks I’m a pathetic wimp because you called for me!”

“That’s probably because you were whimpering like a little girl--”

“You were listening?!” I dropped the newspaper in favor of trying to strangle him bare-handed. “You worthless son-of-a--”

“Children, children,” Mr. Sagara’s voice broke through our argument.

We froze. Sano grinned triumphantly, his arm straining to hold mine back. He did have the advantage of having full use of all of his limbs while my left arm was still somewhat restricted. I yanked my hand away, and Sano relaxed, saved from asphyxiation for the moment. Snorting in irritation, I smacked him upside the head before settling down in the chair next to him. Mr. Sagara shook his head and sighed.

“Are you two quite finished?”

“He started it,” Sano protested.

“Lying little--”

“Who are the adults in this room?” Mr. Sagara protested.

Sano laughed, and I sighed, my bad humor lifting. Typical Sano. It was difficult to stay angry at him.

“Kenshin’s got a date today,” Sano announced. “With a girl.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” So much for fading anger.

“Well, you’ve been hanging out with Katsu an awful lot lately,” Sano snickered.

“That gay guy you hung out with in high school?” Yahiko inserted tactlessly.

“I’m not dating Katsu!” I said quickly.

“Kamatari?” Sano offered with a little wink.

“Don’t even think about bringing him into this!” My voice had dissolved into an indignant squeak by that point. “You know full well we never--”

“Rumor had it you two were sharing a bed--”

“You are going to die,” I announced, reaching for him again.

“Boys!”

“Your son is a nuisance!” I complained, pulling back quickly at the reproach.

Mr. Sagara just shook his head and pulled some plates out of the cupboard.

“Who wants pancakes?”

^_^

McDonalds was the apparent restaurant of choice. Kaoru smiled at me over her chicken nuggets, blowing her straw cover at me. I swatted the white paper away and continued to tug at the ketchup packet in attempt to open it. Those things were impossible.

“You know... the first place we ever went out to was a McDonalds,” Kaoru informed me lightly.

“I thought it was Chipotle,” I flinched as the ketchup went squirting off to the side. Luck was with me. It merely hit the wall, which was an ugly tan color anyway. “Oops.”

“Why don’t you just use the dispenser?” Kaoru offered.

“Do you have any idea how unsanitary those things are?” I retorted.

“As cute as it is that you remembered our first date, I was talking about the very first place we ever went to together,” she continued. “You walked out on me, if I remember correctly.”

“That was a long time ago,” I muttered, finally getting the ketchup open without staining anymore nearby objects.

“Way back when you thought I was a loud, overly cheerful person with no respect for others’ personal space,” she said boldly. I stared at her in shock.

“You sound like you’re quoting,” I decided.

“That’s pretty close to what you called me,” she grinned.

“You’ve called me worse than that,” I reminded her.

“You deserved it,” she shrugged. “Anyway, I suppose that’s not very important, is it?”

“I’d rather not dwell on past insults,” I smiled. She giggled.

“Actually, I was thinking about what you said yesterday,” she said, sobering quickly.

“I was babbling,” I murmured uneasily. I offered a wary smile, hoping she would not take me too seriously. The last thing I wanted was for her to get overly sympathetic on me.

“I know,” she nodded. “But even so... have you given any thought to actually finding out about all this stuff you missed out on?”

“What do you mean?” She was scheming. I was not sure I liked it.

“Have you considered talking to these people?” she asked, her voice lowering until it was barely louder than a whisper. I leaned forward slightly to hear her, frowning when the words sank in.

“I assume you’re talking about my aunt,” I predicted. “I intend to do that very soon--”

“Not just your relatives, Kenshin,” Kaoru shook her head, voice still soft.

The ketchup splattered over the napkin on my tray suddenly looked extremely unappetizing. I picked up another napkin and dropped it over the worst of the splotch, willing my stomach to settle. It was startling the kind of reaction the mere mention of it provoked. More than likely, it would not have been so bad had I not been staring at that red mess of ketchup when Kaoru mentioned it. Whatever the cause, I had to close my eyes against the sudden flare of anxiety that swept through me, my breath hitching such that it made a choking sound in my throat.

“Kenshin...” Kaoru murmured. Something touched my face, and I flinched back automatically. It was just Kaoru’s fingers, though, and that realization brought a flush of warmth to my face.

“Sorry,” I whispered. “But... but what you’re saying...”

“I don’t think it would be a bad thing.” She touched my face again, and I looked at her warily. “It could help increase your understanding of the situation. I got the impression you really don’t know what happened.”

She made sense. I hated it, but she had a very good point. The only problem was: did I have the strength to do it?

“Come on,” she smiled, pulling her hands away abruptly. “I want to give you your Christmas present.”

Uh oh. That reminded me. I had a gift for her as well. It was something I purchased months back, and it was already wrapped and tucked away for just this past holiday. There was one tiny problem with that, though. I stashed that particular gift in the back of my closet--in my room at Uncle Hiko’s house.

^_^

She took me on a shopping spree. The gift was more likely for her amusement than anything else, but I got a couple sweaters and a pair of pants out of the deal. Apparently, Kaoru wanted to get me a new jacket, but I had already been out with Uncle Hiko to replace my old one, and thus I did not need it. We also stopped at an accessories shop, where she bought several hair ‘doodads’ for herself. She attempted to convince me to pierce my ear, but I dragged her out of the store before she could force me into the chair where they would do it.

She dropped me off at Sano’s house a little after eight. Sano caught sight of her before she could turn to leave and invited her to stay for awhile. She left briefly to move her car to a place on the road where she could legally park before returning to join us in the living room.

“Hello, Kenshin. Kaoru,” Mr. Sagara smiled at us when we walked into the room.

“Hi, Mr. Sagara,” Kaoru called. “Nice to see you again.”

It made me wonder when she had ever met him. I asked as much, only to receive an answer I could have done without hearing.

“We met when you were in the hospital,” Mr. Sagara said easily.

That had awkward silence written all over it. Best then, I figured, to push past it as quickly as possible. Smiling, I nodded.

“Any meeting works,” I said. I caught sight of the game board on the floor. “What are you playing?”

“Monopoly,” Yahiko spoke up, grinning boldly. “I always win.”

“Do you?” Kaoru grinned. “We’ll see about that. Come on, Kenshin. Let’s show this kid who the winners are.”

The last time I had played this game, I was the first one to go bankrupt. Even so, it was a nice way to spend the evening. We crowded around the board, passing out pieces and brightly colored money.

We quickly discovered that Kaoru and Yahiko were not compatible. A muttered insult about Kaoru’s looks was all it took before they were in each others’ faces and snapping off juvenile retorts.

“Come on, Quasimodo! Roll the dice!” Yahiko’s latest insult involved the hunchback of Notre Dame. Kaoru growled beside me, and I had to grab her wrist lest she pop the boy one.

That was one of those little taboos most guys learned early on in life never to defy. One simply does not tell a girl she’s ugly. Now, Kaoru was not supermodel material, but she was far from ugly. She was very pretty even, in the girl-next-door kind of way. I never told her that either. ‘You look nice, Kaoru’ or ‘wow, I think I should go out and bay at the moon’ were fine comments, but ‘gee, Kaoru, you’re kind of so-so in the looks department’ was a definite no-no. I had gotten enough dirty looks from Tomoe when I was younger that I had that one down pat.

“Hah! Boardwalk!” Kaoru grinned triumphantly when she landed on the coveted space. “Eat that, brat!”

It seemed inappropriate to be calling Yahiko names while his father was sitting right next to us, but Mr. Sagara seemed to be having no problems with the exchange. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying it, if his hidden smile and shaking shoulders were any indication.

Again, I lost rather quickly. I could manage my money very well in the real world, but for some reason the luck of the dice was rarely with me in these games. Twice landing on Kaoru’s Boardwalk (with a hotel on it), and I was out. Mr. Sagara gave up soon after, claiming old age and retreating to his room.

It was a nice way to spend the evening, even if I was trounced well before the game ended. Kaoru and Yahiko kept snapping at each other, which amused Sano to no end. I took up post behind Kaoru, brushing her hair at her request. My arm got tired quickly, but she obviously enjoyed it, so I tolerated the soreness and kept brushing.

^_^

The place had as much security as the average US airport--maybe more. I had to sign in, go through a metal detector, and get patted down. Kaoru did as well, but she was waiting out in the main lobby for me. She had a book along in case I took very long. Already, they had told me I had an hour time limit. It would be a miracle if I lasted an hour.

There were two types of visits, and I had considered both. The first type of visit was the Contact visit. That meant it would be just the two of us, alone in a room, nothing between us. The security was high, though, and in all probability, we would be monitored. Nothing could possibly happen. Kaoru assured me it would be safe. We could have a guard in the room if I wished it.*

The other type was the Non-Contact visit. Given the choice, I jumped at this one. There was less privacy, but there was also a clear, shatterproof glass barrier between us. Made a person feel a little more safe.

So there I sat one Wednesday afternoon, wondering what I was doing. Kaoru had not talked me into this. In fact, I had been the one to push through the visitor application process not to mention calling to make the appointment. Had I been determined not to do this, no one would have forced it. Even Uncle Hiko was uncertain about the idea. He was painfully obvious about it, reminding me that nothing I said or did would change anything. He made various comments about not wanting to pay more psychiatrist bills than he already had to (not that I went to many appointments), and questioned me to be certain I was still taking that antidepressant. I knew better than to drop it, especially after that episode in Colorado, and I flat out told him to stop bugging me about it. Uncle Hiko could not have cared less about my sensitivity to the medication issue.

He looked much the same when the guard led him into the visiting room. His hair was a little longer, his face coarse with the stubble that came with not having shaved in a little under a week. He had little difficulty spotting me, but that was not surprising. As much as I wished it were otherwise, I stood out almost everywhere I went.

I was not sure what I expected, but that solemn stare was not it. A smirk, maybe, or a scowl... anger, amusement. Certainly, I did not understand that calm, questioning gaze.

My own feelings were odd. Before I came, I was apprehensive. Really, I was terrified. What kind of idiot was I that I went to visit the man who killed my cousin? The mere thought of him or any other person from that day caused my heartbeat to accelerate. Truth be told, I was still afraid. I was afraid of Enishi, Mike, and even Kevin--mostly Kevin. After all, Kevin was still alive. I was afraid that the fear would never fade. I hated the thought that I might live my life in constant fear of people I did not know--of tall men with dark hair and dark eyes. It was stupid, and I did not know how else I was supposed to conquer the terror. Sitting in a plush office with a shrink was not going to cut it.

At that moment, sitting across from Kevin, staring at him through the slightly reflective glass, I felt mostly numb. There was this slight tingling, the barely noticeable quickening of my breath, but overall, I was calm. In here, at least, he could not hurt me.

I picked up the phone, watching as he did the same. My voice was slow to come to me, and he spoke first.

“You’re the last person I expected to see.”

His voice was different. It was softer and less... something. There was a dark quality before, a calculating hardness, that was missing. He just sounded weary. Acceptant. It was easier to respond to that than the taunting coldness I was expecting.

“I have a few things I need to clear up,” I replied quietly.

“You want to know why I did what I did,” he predicted, and I shook my head.

“I don’t care why you did it,” I told him. He lifted his eyebrows, surprised by my response. I shook my head again. “I just want to know what you did.”

He frowned.

“Kid, I did a lot of stuff. You’re talking about my conviction, then it’s murder of the first degree. Accessory to murder and attempted murder,” he said it so easily, as if it did not bother him that he had been convicted of these crimes. Maybe it didn’t. “Handling of illegal drugs, embezzlement, and unpaid parking tickets.”

I frowned, not appreciating his humor. The timing was a little off if he was looking for a laugh.

“Was that a joke?” I asked.

“No,” he sighed. “Damned tickets were well into the hundreds of dollars range. Of course, those didn’t put me in prison. The lawyers just thought it would be clever to add those to the charge.”

“It’s not.”

“Agreed,” he shrugged. His eyes narrowed uncertainly. “Ask your question, kid. I know I didn’t give you the answer you wanted.”

I nodded, pausing as I collected my thoughts and my courage. Letting my breath out slowly, I looked at him again.

“You said the guy Enishi hired those years back...” I started.

“Alive, I said,” Kevin nodded, catching the question immediately. He must have seen something on my face, some sort of accusation, because he smiled suddenly, laughing. “Not me, kid. Enishi would have known if it was me.”

“Not you...” I did not care for that answer. That meant the guy who actually attacked me was still out there somewhere.

“Do you want to know the real story, kid?” Kevin asked bluntly.

The frankness of his question startled me. I honestly had not expected him to be so open with the information. Stunned, I just nodded, finally voicing a soft, “Yeah.” He looked at me skeptically, then shrugged and leaned forward on the table, casually cradling the phone against his ear with one raised hand.

“All right,” he sighed. “Enishi was a runaway. You know that, right?”

“I just figured he was an orphan,” I shook my head, “who my aunt adopted.”

“Well, he was a runaway,” Kevin said again. “I don’t know what happened to his original family, or if they even cared, but that’s what happened. The kid got into trouble immediately--small time stuff, like shoplifting and pickpocketing.”

I knew the pickpocket bit. After all, it had been Enishi who taught me to steal like that.

“He was a tough little shit,” Kevin continued. “Drove me nuts. I hated him.”

“Why’d you stay with him, then?” I asked, even as I saw an answer to my own question. How many times had I returned to Enishi, though I both feared and hated him? Though he could not make people like him, he could make them need him.

“Why indeed?” Kevin smiled faintly. “Because he was good, kid. Better than good. He was the best. No one else could take a situation and make it work like he did. He knew every escape, every button to push. I needed a guy like that on my team.”

“You were following him,” I protested.

“A guy that good is going to want to climb up the so-called corporate ladder,” Kevin lifted one shoulder in an awkward shrug. “I let him take it. You’re jumping ahead of me, kid.”

“Why did you kill him?” I asked. I did not care if I was keeping in time with his story or not.

“I thought you didn’t care why,” Kevin’s voice dipped slightly, mocking me. It took more effort than it should have not to flinch, but I managed.

“Call it curiosity,” I murmured. He grinned.

“Well, your cousin had it coming,” he said boldly.

“That’s not a reason,” I hissed angrily. He was making fun of me, and I was not amused.

His smile dropped away like it had never been, the change so abrupt it was jarring. He gazed at me coolly, one eyebrow lifted, slightly mocking but no worse than before.

“Why does anyone kill someone, kid?” he challenged. “Insanity? Self-defense? An accident? It might be called protective measures. I killed him before he could shoot you.”

“But he did--”

“Shoot you, yes,” Kevin interrupted. “His hand dropped enough that when the gun went off, it got your shoulder instead of your head. You were damned lucky. How is the shoulder anyway?”

“It’s fine,” I replied immediately. He was not going to draw me into a trivial conversation. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“You didn’t like that answer,” he snorted. “Fine, kid. Enough nonsense. Enishi was insane, you know. That alone was reason enough to do it.”

I held my tongue, waiting for him to finish. Fortunately, he did not disappoint me.

“It was just business, kid,” Kevin shrugged. “He was starting to get in the way. I had money stockpiled up, but I couldn’t get it with him around. Maybe, I would have left him alone, but he had a problem that held him back, kept him rooted here. He wouldn’t move if I demanded it of him.”

“Problem?” I echoed. This was new. Had there been more to this than flat out psychosis?

“He was obsessed with you, kid,” Kevin scowled. “After all this, and you still haven’t figured that out?”

The harsh words startled me, and I was unable to stop the flinch that time. I heard my own breathing, ragged through the phone, and I squeezed my eyes shut, too anxious to be embarrassed.

“I never knew,” I muttered. “He was strange... scary. I didn’t understand him.”

“He couldn’t get you either, it seemed,” Kevin said, and I winced again at his wording.

Leaning forward against my hand, I took a shuddering breath and looked up at Kevin again. He was watching me calmly, no hint of satisfaction or amusement on his face. I had to leave. This was going far enough.

“Not so fast, kid,” his voice made me pause. “We haven’t covered the stuff you really want to hear.”

“I don’t want to hear anymore from you,” I said tersely. Unthinking, I found myself quoting my uncle. “Nothing said here will change anything. I can’t change what happened to me, and your sentence is already determined. It’s done.”

“Bullshit,” Kevin snapped.

I jerked, my hand tightening around the phone instinctively. He could not hurt me through this barrier. He could not reach me. I had to repeat this to myself, silently of course. I could hang up the phone whenever I wanted.

The phone remained by my ear, as if some invisible force held it there, and I could not put it down. Shocked, I just stared at him, at the man glaring at me through the glass.

“You want to know what I think?” he said, voice low but filled with an energy that held me fascinated.

“Not really.” My own voice was low and strangled.

“I think you’re still scared shitless,” he said, ignoring my response. “Scared of two dead men and a man trapped in prison for the next fifteen years at least. More, if I’m not good.”

“But that other guy--” It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. That was, without a doubt, the most pathetic I had ever been. I knew it. I felt it. I could not stand it.

“Might as well be dead, kid,” Kevin stated darkly. “The guy’s name is--no, it doesn’t matter what the guy’s name is. You really want to know, you can probably find it in old police records. But here’s the deal, kid. He’s dying.”

“Dying...?” I echoed uneasily.

“Wasn’t long ago, actually,” Kevin glanced to the side as if afraid someone would hear him. I doubted that very much. After all, if he was worried about that, he would have considered it long before this. “Got shot in a robbery. Before you ask--yes, he was the one doing the robbing. He was shot by some cop, but it didn’t kill him.”

“But it is,” I guessed, quiet with uncertainty.

“With any luck, his family will make the choice to pull the plug on him,” Kevin shrugged. “Even if he could live without the machines, he’s a vegetable. He’ll never open his eyes again.”

I stared at Kevin for awhile after he finished his explanation. It occurred to me that while I had not known what to expect with him, he was probably wondering at my presence. Then again, maybe not. Maybe he did not care one bit about what I did. And in the end, with everything he had told me, Uncle Hiko was right. It did not change anything.

“Is that all you came to find out?” Kevin spoke first.

“No,” I glanced down. My hand was clenched into a fist in my lap, my tension level running high. I forced my fingers to unfurl, relaxing my arm and leaning back in my chair. Sighing quietly, I wondered if this had been a wasted trip. “Thank you... Kevin.”

“Hey, I don’t have anything better to do,” he smirked.

“Not for talking to me,” I glanced at him, forcing a small smile. “Thank you for saving me.”

He blinked, suddenly looking very uncomfortable.

“Yeah, well...”

The smile was not so difficult anymore. It might have even looked real. I was sincere.

“You okay here?”

“Are you mocking me, kid?” he asked warily.

“No,” I shook my head slightly to the negative. “I know you’d rather be on the beach in Mexico, but are you okay here?”

“I could have found some better accommodations,” he said cautiously.

“I’m not sorry you’re here, Kevin,” I said finally, smile fading to seriousness. “No matter how grateful I am that I’m still alive, I’m glad you’re in jail.”

“Prison,” he muttered, still staring at me like I had just recited love sonnets to him.

“I’m going back to school,” I told him. “I’m going to finish my degree and pretend none of this ever happened.”

“Good luck,” Kevin snorted, but it was not as confident as he had sounded a few minutes ago. “You serious, kid? You’re okay?”

“No,” I smiled again, feeling much better than I had since I had gotten this crazy idea to come see Kevin. “No, but I’m going to be. I won’t have it any other way.”

He stared at me for a few seconds, his lips quirking slightly. Unlike his apparent attitude, I was confident. As soon as I said it, I knew I could do it. It was like when I was a kid, and someone told me I could not climb the tree behind our house because it was too big. I fell out of that tree when I tried to get down, breaking my arm in the process, but I did climb it.

This was the exact same feeling--this determination. And it felt good.

“I believe you,” Kevin said. He was smiling. “That’s good, kid. I’d hate to see you end up in here.”

I smiled, inexplicably pleased with his response.

“I have to go, Kevin,” I told him. We had been sitting there for forty minutes already. It was far longer than I ever thought I would last.

“Sure,” he kept smiling.

“Thank you,” I said again.

“Anytime, kid.”

Nodding once, I set the phone down and pushed my chair back. I did not bring anything into the room with me, so I just pushed the chair under the table ledge and turned to leave.

A light tap on the glass behind me made me turn. Obviously, it was Kevin. He was serious again. I did not think he would have anything else to say to me, but I leaned over and picked up the phone anyway.

“I want you to do something, kid,” he said.

“What’s that?” I wondered, curious as to what he would say.

“If you’re going to do all you said you would, I want you to do it big,” he finished.

“Big?” I echoed, confused.

“Enishi thought you could do anything,” Kevin smirked. “He always said you would be better than he was someday. Better at everything. I think he was right.”

“Do you,” I murmured.

“You’re going to find more of us out there, kid,” he said calmly. “More people like your cousin, more people like me. Out to screw you.”

I startled at his wording. It was crude and struck close to home.

“A word of advice,” he continued. “As scary as we are, we’re only human. And if you’re as good as Enishi said you are, you’ll be able to outsmart us every time. I guarantee it.”

“Giving me hints how to beat you when you’re out again?” I asked with an uncertain smile.

“I already told you, kid,” Kevin grinned. “I never want to see you again.”

“I’ll make a point of never visiting you again,” I assured him.

He burst out laughing, and I smiled again, hanging up the phone. Nodding at him, I turned and walked out of the room.

^_^