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Heart, Sword, and Song: Chapter 5 - Green Finch and Linnet Bird

by JaneDrew

Every morning, she looked out at the gardens surrounding the manor, admiring the elegant precision of the lawns and trees, listening to the songs of the birds, and trying to remember her reasons for not dying that day.

And every morning, the list seemed to get shorter and shorter.

Green finch and linnet bird,

Nightengale, blackbird

How is it you sing?

At one point, she had been idealistic. She could still remember it, but only with a curious kind of detachment, as if it was some other girl who had been so determined to master the medical arts her family had practiced for generations, some other girl whose parents and siblings had joyfully watched and encouraged and praised.

How can you jubilate

Sitting in cages

Never taking wing?

Even when she had first come to Tokyo, she had cherished her hopes, holding onto them tightly in the face of catastrophic loss and personal tragedy, escaping the fires of Aizu with no clear destination in mind, simply fleeing. Looking back, she wasn't even sure what she had hoped to accomplish by coming to Tokyo. Escape from her memories? A way to lose herself in the bustle of a large city? The vague hope that she might, just possibly, hear news of her family, or turn a street corner to suddenly discover them there?

Now, the thought of meeting her family again made her blood burn with embarassment. How could she face them, after everything that she had done? How could she ever hope to look them in the eyes again, how could she even approach them?

Maybe that was the real reason she stayed here, in the mansion of a man who made her debase her hard-earned skills in the worst possible way, dealing out death and addiction. Maybe she was doomed to spend the rest of her life staring out of windows at the gardens, without having the courage to walk through them.

Outside, the sky waits

Beckoning, beckoning,

Just beyond the bars

How can you remain,

Staring at the rain,

Maddened by the stars?

Takani Megumi closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the expensive Western glass, a luxury Kanryu indulged in so that he could demonstrate his wealth and power, so that he could brag or intimidate, depending on his audience or his mood. She tried to enjoy the coolness of the window, to use it to calm her thoughts, but found herself unable to overcome her awareness of what she was going to have to do today, what she had done yesterday, and the day before, and the week before, and the month before, and farther back than that, obliterating every other past or future she had ever had or imagined for herself, slowly eating away at her hope.

How is it you sing anything?

How is it you sing?

She knew that the longer she stayed here, the more likely it was that Kanryu would become impatient enough to send one or more of the guards after her. In fact, she would have been willing to bet that at that very moment, Kanryu was wiping his mouth after an expensive Western-style breakfast-- 'No mere miso soup for such an exceptionally skilled entrepreneur!' she thought wryly—and trying to decide whether to have her fetched or allow her the indulgence of a few more minutes, the appearance of being able to make her own decisions.

Green finch and linnet bird,

Nightengale, blackbird,

How is it you sing?

Furthermore, if Kanryu did decide to send guards after her, she was almost positive that he wouldn't send just any guards, but would grace her with the favor of sending one of his two strongest, either Hannya or Shinomori Aoshi.

After all, ordinary guards might resort to insults, or rough handling. Kanryu always preferred to keep up a facade of politeness, of good-natured understanding and well-mannered gentility, as if her employment were freely chosen and his patronage a favor to be appreciated. Not to mention the fact that her work would suffer if she was... damaged.

With either of the two Oniwabanshuu, the demands for her immediate return to the laboratory where she worked were more subtle, the underlying threats never overtly expressed. Sometimes, they were even willing to allow her a little time to finish whatever she claimed to have been doing before going down to work.

She supposed she ought to consider it something like courtesy on their part, or perhaps a kind of mutual respect from fellow employees who might also prefer to be elsewhere.

Whence comes this melody,

constantly flowing?

Is it rejoicing, or merely hello-ing?

A soft step behind her caused her to smile ruefully before turning to face the man in the white trenchcoat. Idly, she wondered how long he had been standing there, watching her gaze out at the gardens, before he decided to make his presence known.

'I suppose that I should be grateful that he didn't just suddenly appear at my side and order me to get to work. Then again, Kanryu has probably made it clear that the Oniwabanshuu's ability to sneak around like exceptionally quiet ghosts is not always appreciated. At least not when it has repeatedly made him almost have a heart attack.'

"Kanryu requests that you proceed to the laboratory to begin the day's work, Takani-san." Aoshi said in an even, emotionless tone.

"And he sends a member of the famed Edo Oniwabanshuu all the way across the mansion merely to make such a request? I am flattered, Okashira, at your willingness to devote time to such a ... minor task." Her tone was light, and faintly mocking, the barb underneath her politeness clear.

'How does it feel, Okashira, to be reduced to playing sheepdog for a drug merchant? To be at his beck and call, to see your once-legendary group descend into mediocrity and pointless tasks?'

The tightening of Aoshi's jaw was almost—almost—imperceptible, but when he spoke, his tone was only a few degrees above freezing, and the look in his eyes could have cracked the glass of the window they both stood in front of.

"Kanryu's request was most urgent, Takani-san. He is... anxious to discuss the possibilities of further chemical experiments with you, and is waiting for your arrival."

Without saying another word, he turned on one heel and stalked out of the room, not bothering to see if she followed or not. He knew that she would.

Watching Aoshi's back, the stiff set of his shoulders obvious even under his trenchcoat, Megumi allowed herself a moment of internal rejoicing. A small triumph, and a petty one, but she couldn't help herself.

The last several years had been a personal hell for her, but she had developed her ability to hone insults and throw sharp comments with almost unfailing accuracy. Words had become both offense and defense for her, the only weapons that she possessed.

Are you discussing,

Or fussing

or simply dreaming?

Are you crowing?

Are you screaming?

And, to be honest, she enjoyed reminding the proud Okashira that he was no better than she was, that they were both working for a man with no concept of honor. Neither of them had any right to be proud of what they had become.

Ringdove and robbinette

Is it for wages

Singing to be sold?

If Aoshi had been more approachable, she might have asked him what had led him and his men, so clearly willing to follow him no matter where it might take them, to this place, to working for Kanryu. The Okashira was too intelligent, too experienced not to know that Kanryu had hired them largely because having the famed Oniwabanshuu work for him, following his orders would add more to his power and prestige than a hundred regular bodyguards. Even if he only used them to run meaningless errands.

Megumi snorted slightly as she walked down the stairs behind Aoshi. Kanryu could order the Oniwabanshuu to tend his gardens for him, and it would still add to his prestige. In fact, showing that he controlled the men who had once been trusted to guard Edo castle so completely would probably add even more to his prestige in the underworld than a hundred spy or assassination assignments. And Aoshi knew it. Knew that Kanryu enjoyed exercising his power, knew that every day saw the Oniwabanshuu's reputation and honor suffer, saw their ideals wither and die a little more.

'And I'm no better,' she mused. 'If anything, I'm worse than they are; they were trained to spy, and kill, and work in the shadows. I was raised to help people, to ease suffering, to follow in the footsteps of my family. And what have I become? Worse than any of them could ever have imagined. And what can I do?'

She couldn't even say with any clarity why she stayed in the mansion, trapped like a bird, following orders that she hated. Fear? Habit? Cowardice?

Have you decided it's safer in cages

Singing when you're told?

When she arrived in Tokyo, she had been young and naive, jumping at the chance to work with a doctor she believed to be respectable. She had fought her growing suspicions about the true nature of his work, holding to her belief that doctors were inherently good people. When Kanryu had had him killed, and had decided that it was more secure for him to have his opium-producer where he could keep a close eye on her, she had been too traumatized to resist.

Now she existed from day to day, looking out of windows, and barely holding herself back from ending a life that seemed to close around her more and more every day.

My cage has many rooms,

Damasked and dark...

Nothing there sings

Not even my lark...

Megumi barely heard what Kanryu was saying to her as she began work. It was almost mechanical by now: mixing chemicals to create the opium that earned Kanryu his money, that destroyed countless lives and souls. Including her own.

And she had no idea how she could possibly repent for everything that she had done.

Larks never will, you know

When they're captive

Teach me to be

More adaptive...

By the time she had finished her work for the day, under the eyes of Kanryu and a series of suspicious guards, the sun was already almost below the horizon and the chill of evening had begun to set in. Wearily, Megumi ate her dinner without even tasting it and went back through the hallways to her room, to stare blankly at the ceiling and pray for sleep. After about an hour, she got up and went back to the window, looking out at the moonlit garden.

'I cannot go on like this,' she thought. It was not the first time that she had thought this way, but this time there was a conviction that had not been present before. More than just a thought; this time, it was a statement of fact. 'I cannot go on like this.'

But exactly what that meant, Megumi was unable to determine. Try to run? She had nowhere to run to, no-one who she could ask for help, and she knew that nobody would help her if they knew the truth about her. Kill herself? She could think of a dozen ways to do it, most of them reasonably painless, and fewer and fewer reasons not to. Even her hope that she might somehow see her family again was fading day by day, to be replaced by the conviction that they would hate her for what she had become. Kill Kanryu? Not as long as Aoshi Shinomori and the Oniwabanshuu stood bound to protect him. They had guarded Edo castle against the Ishin Shishi; they could certainly protect Kanryu from one desparate woman's attack.

And as she lay herself back down, options and questions continued to circle endlessly in her brain, leaving her no closer to finding an answer, only a forlorn hope that someday, she would find not only a way out, whatever that way might be, but also the courage to grasp it.

And with that prayer in her heart, Takani Megumi finally fell into a restless sleep, awaiting the dawn and another day of staring out across green lawns and fragrant gardens, forever just out of her reach.

Green finch and linnet bird,

Nightengale, blackbird,

Teach me how to sing

If I cannot fly,

Let me sing.