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Heart, Sword, and Song: Chapter 6 - Losing My Mind

by JaneDrew ::: 08.Nov.2004

After a couple of months living at the Kamiya Dojo, Kenshin found that his days had settled into a pleasant routine.

The sun comes up,
I think about you.

He always awoke just before dawn, a long-engrained habit, and dressed quickly, taking a few moments to enjoy the peace of the dojo as the sun rose, letting the stillness relax him as he walked through the hallway towards the courtyard.

And always, he paused outside of one particular door, listening to the faint breathing he could hear as she slept, the occasional rustling of fabric as she tried to get more comfortable.

It probably should bother him that it was becoming more and more of a struggle not to open the door and watch her sleep, to absorb himself in the way her dark hair fell across pale skin and the way that her lips parted slightly as she breathed, he reflected, but it didn't.

He performed his morning katas quickly, running through the exercises of the Hiten Mitsrugi Ryuu with silent precision, his sakabatou flashing in the early morning light. Kenshin smiled as he finished. It was lucky for him that Yahiko didn't know that he practiced every morning; otherwise, the boy would spare no effort in attempting to be awake, no matter what the hour.

Heading into the kitchen, Kenshin contemplated what to cook for the day. He had found that it was better to plan the meals for the day while he prepared breakfast, determining exactly what was available and what would have to be purchased.

He wondered what some of his old opponents would say if they saw the legendary hitokiri using his eye for detail and sharp observational skills in the kitchen rather than on the battlefield.

Probably nothing, at least not after they had seen the swift, precise way he sliced the vegetables for the miso soup.

'I wonder what Kaoru-dono would like for lunch this afternoon? She will be teaching all morning, that she will, and I'm sure that she would appreciate a good meal when she gets back. If I go to the market this morning, I could get some fresh fish...'

'And, if I go this morning, I could accompany Kaoru-dono at least part of the way to where she teaches...'

The coffee cup,
I think about you.

As he stirred the soup, and listened to the faint noises that indicated the young assistant master was up and moving about to start her day, Kenshin considered the idea further.

While he knew that Kaoru was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, and that no-one was likely to bother a young woman who moved confidently in her gi and hakama through the streets, carrying her bokken with obvious skill, the incident with Jineh had shaken him badly, and his protective instincts were always on edge when she was away from the dojo and out of his sight.

But he would be lying to himself if he claimed that that was the only reason, and Kenshin knew it.

Being with Kaoru.... walking down the streets of Tokyo with her, listening to her talk about her students, or simply about her day, seeing how her deep blue eyes sparkled, and how her hair shone in the sun.... for Kenshin, it was something like peace, something that he had never expected to find in his life.

He couldn't admit, even to himself, that it might be more than just peace that he felt in Kaoru's company.

I want you so,
It's like I'm losing my mind.

Soon, Kaoru came into the kitchen, her eyes brightening at the sight of breakfast. That it might be something other than breakfast that made that light appear in her eyes was another thing Kenshin couldn't admit to himself.

"Good morning, Kenshin!" she said, "Do you need any help with anything?"

"Thank you, Kaoru-dono— the miso soup is almost finished, that it is, and sessha has already set the table."

The smile that she gave him in response warmed his heart; the way her long black ponytail swung as she turned and headed into the dining room sent unexpected sparks down his spine.

He could still remember the way the sun had shone as she shook out her loosened hair, down by the river, when she had given him her favorite hair ribbon to ensure that he would come back to the dojo. The small piece of dark blue silk still carried a faint jasmine scent to it that surprised him every time he had occasion to take things out of the chest in his room where he had carefully saved it.

Carrying the miso soup into the dining room, Kenshin had to suddenly lift the bowl in order to avoid Yahiko's sudden, stumbling entry.

"Oro!"

The boy had clearly only just rolled out of bed, and was still sleepily rubbing his eyes. Kaoru raised an eyebrow at her student's appearance.

"Didn't you get to bed at a decent hour, Yahiko-chan?" she questioned.

In spite of his sleepiness, the boy's response was prompt and expected. "Don't call me "chan," busu!!"

Kenshin had to smile at this further component of his morning routine as the argument between the dojo's other two inhabitants continued. Fortunately, before it could degenerate into actual brawling over the low table, a familiar voice echoed through the room.

"Oi! Anybody there this morning? Oi, Jou-chan!"

"Sano," Kaoru said wryly, "how is it that you always seem to show up at breakfast time?"

"Natural talent," the ex-fighter-for-hire said, shrugging as he picked up a bowl and chopsticks and started in on the food. Aside from a brief scuffle between Yahiko and Sano over the last of the riceballs, breakfast passed without further incident.

As Kenshin took the dishes into the kitchen, Kaoru went into the dojo for a brief practice session with Yahiko before she headed off to teach. Sano contented himself with lounging on the porch and watching, clearly planning on spending the interval after breakfast in waiting for Kenshin to fix lunch.

Kenshin, trying to watch Kaoru to see when she was going to leave without making it look like he was watching her, finished the dishes and prepared everything to go to the market.

By the time she had instructed Yahiko to clean the dojo and continue practicing in her absence, Kenshin was casually getting ready to head out the door, a perfectly innocent look on his face.

"Kaoru-dono, should sessha help carry your equipment to your lessons?"

She blinked at Kenshin as he bent to pick up her bundle without waiting for a reponse. "Kenshin no baka! Don't be silly! I always.. I'm perfectly capable of... for heaven's sake, Kenshin, you can't carry all of my things AND the shopping basket!"

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed as Kaoru snatched up her bokken and other equipment and turned to exit the dojo. By the time he had picked up the basket and headed after her, she was already at the gate, and the faint flush he thought he'd seen on her face as she'd grabbed her things was completely gone.

The walk passed in pleasant conversation about nothing in particular. Kenshin inquired when Kaoru would be back home, she asked him to make sure that Yahiko didn't shirk on doing the chores and exercises he had been assigned, and both of them made inconsequential observations about the weather and the state of the neighborhood. Far sooner than he had expected—or wanted—they had arrived at the Kuchiki Dojo, Kaoru had said goodbye and gone in, and Kenshin had to turn back to go to the market.

'Fresh fish,' Kenshin thought to himself, 'Fresh fish and whatever vegetables look good today.... after a morning spent giving lessons, Kaoru-dono should have a good lunch, something filling... She always works so hard when she teaches, she's sure to have an appetite...'

Kenshin was constantly amazed at the energy Kaoru put into her teaching, the enthusiasm she had for maintaining and passing on her father's style. He remembered the first time he'd seen her practicing, a few days after he had started staying at the dojo. He had been coming to ask her what she might want him to fix for lunch, and had stood, transfixed, watching her move through her katas with grace and determination, her blue eyes flashing and her ponytail swinging with her motions.

She was so beautiful when she was doing something with her whole heart and soul.

With some difficulty, he dragged his thoughts back to lunch, and laundry, and the hundred other things that he should be spending his time thinking about.

The morning ends,
I think about you.

Back at the dojo, Kenshin was pleasantly surprised to find that Sano and Yahiko had managed to avoid seriously damaging either the building or each other. The former was stretched out on the porch, watching Yahiko as he cleaned the dojo floor.

"Oi, brat, you missed a spot."

"Shut up, roosterhead!"

"Tcha—what're you gonna do about it, Yahiko-chan."

Apparently, Kenshin thought wryly, he had spoken too soon. Physically stepping between the other two before Yahiko could carry out his obvious intention of tackling Sano, he said, "Yahiko, if you've finished cleaning the floor, Kaoru-dono told sessha to tell you to be sure to get ready for sparring with her this afternoon. She is most interested in seeing your progress, that she is."

The prospect of a session with his sensei sent Yahiko off to get some more practice in before lunch. No matter how much he might tease Kaoru, he knew perfectly well that attempting to spar with her unprepared was asking for trouble—not to mention bruises and sarcastic remarks.

Kenshin headed into the kitchen, followed by Sano. The younger man casually leaned up against the wall as Kenshin put down the groceries and began taking down the pots and utensils he would need to fix lunch.

"So, Kenshin, when's Jou-chan gonna be back?"

"Kaoru-dono should be back early this afternoon, that she should. After she's done giving her lessons."

"Ah. So..um... the rest of us are gonna eat first, right?"

At Kenshin's not-quite-glare from across the board where he was chopping vegetables, Sano quickly backed down. "I mean... um... Kenshin, are you sure that you should be cooking already, since we're not gonna be eating until Jou-chan gets back from teaching?"

"Everything will take a while to cook, Sano, that it will; by starting now, sessha is making sure that it will be ready once Kaoru-dono comes home, so that she won't have to wait."

"Oh." Sano fell silent for a time, absent-mindedly chewing the fishbone that he never seemed to be without.

Kenshin sincerely hoped that it wasn't in fact always the same fishbone.

"Jou-chan's been gettin' the chance to teach at other dojos more often these days, hasn't she?"

"Yes, that she has," Kenshin agreed, smiling slightly as he carefully lowered the fish into the mixture of soy sauce and spices he was using as a marinade.

The False Battousai incident might have almost destroyed the Kamiya Dojo, but Kaoru's determination and her fiery spirit, not to mention her willingness to practically go door-to-door and offer her skills as a teacher, were helping to get the school back on its feet.

Kenshin was heartily glad that things were looking up for Kaoru and her family's style. He still remembered the way that her shoulders had slumped when her last students had announced their intention to quit, the way that the light in her eyes had seemed to dim at the prospect of being left alone to defend a reputation that lay in tatters.

It was no wonder, really, that he had worried so much that she would try to kill herself; that he had mistaken the silence in the bath for an ominous sign and rushed in, fully intent on saving her from a horrible mistake, bursting through the door to see...

"Orororo!" Kenshin pulled himself out of his musings almost violently and ducked behind his bangs, hoping that Sano was concentrating too much on snagging a few of the vegetables Kenshin had chopped to notice how red the ex-hitokiri's face had become.

I talk to friends,
I think about you.

Fortunately for him, Sano was either unobservant or surprisingly tactful, and nothing was said.

'Winters in Hokkaido... ' Kenshin thought, gritting his teeth and trying very, very hard to yank his mind away from the surprisingly detailed image it insisted on retaining of Karou in the bath, her brilliant blue eyes wide with surprise, a few strands of black hair escaping from the towel she had used to keep it out of the way, turning towards the noise of the door opening so that she was facing him, and... 'LONG winters in northern Hokkaido... spending the whole day standing under a waterfall to train.... that time Shishou ran out of sake...'

And do they know?
It's like I'm losing my mind.

Kenshin wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he had already chopped all of the vegetables for lunch. On the one hand, chopping vegetables would have provided a distraction that he apparently was greatly in need of. On the other, right now it probably wasn't a good time for him to be using anything resembling a sharp object.

Even though he was able to get his wayward thoughts under control by the time he started grilling the fish, he still found himself in danger of burning it, and made himself pay more attention to the task than usual.

Kaoru came home in high spirits, grinning and humming under her breath. When Sano asked about it around a mouthful of grilled fish, she cheerfully told him that Kuchiki-san had been so impressed with her skills that he had asked her if she would be available to teach more often.

"Congratulations, Kaoru-dono!" Kenshin said sincerely, genuinely happy for the young kendo instructor.

She gave him another of her brilliant smiles and replied, "Thank you, Kenshin! I have to admit, I was very surprised when Kuchiki-san approached me! I think that he wants his students to have training in the Kamiya Kasshin style because it complements his own dojo's teachings so well, which is great—not to mention the fact that it will bring in some extra income!"

"You said it, busu!" Yahiko chimed in, "And I think that we should all go out tonight to the Akebeko to celebrate!"

"Hah—you just wanna get a chance to see Tsubame again; admit it!" Sano easily ducked the bowl that was aimed at his head and grabbed another helping of grilled fish as Kaoru whacked Yahiko upside the head for calling her "busu."

Kenshin smiled at the people he thought of as his family. Family... something he could hardly remember having... something the lonely rurouni hadn't even allowed himself to dream of, until the night one young woman had vehemently declared that she wanted him to stay. Not the assassin, not the legend, just... him. It was a memory that warmed him even as it continued to amaze him, the way that whatever Kaoru had seen in him had led her to offer him a place in her home, in her life.

After washing the dishes, he headed outside to take care of the laundry. Sano had left after the meal, claiming "important business" that Kenshin was fairly sure would involve sake, dice, and whichever of Sano's buddies had managed to keep out of jail this week. Kaoru and Yahiko were sparring together, the clacking noises of their shinai bringing a smile to Kenshin's face as he began the wash.

'A style that brings out people's potential... If anybody can make that dream a reality, it's Kaoru-dono, that it is...' he thought to himself. And oh, how he wanted her to succeed. Because it would mean that he hadn't fought and killed in vain; because it would show that the new era was truly one of peace rather than chaos and bloodshed...

.... because it would make her happy.

All afternoon,
Doing every little chore,
The thought of you stays bright.

"Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin questioned as he approached her. The laundry and the lesson were both finished, and Kaoru was getting herself a drink of water, wiping the sweat from her brow with one sleeve. "Would you like sessha to prepare a bath for you?"

"Oh, thank you, Kenshin; I would really appreciate it." Kaoru closed her eyes as she leaned back and stretched, and Kenshin found himself watching length of her neck and the hollow at the base of her throat before he tore his eyes away towards where the firewood he would need to heat the bath was carefully stacked.

He said something in response that he wasn't sure even made sense and dashed off towards the bathhouse before Kaoru could respond.

It was ridiculous to notice things like that. It...it was insulting to the hospitality Kaoru had given him, it was taking advantage of her kind nature and desire to help others, wasting time that he should be devoting to chores and what he needed to be doing around the house, and.. and... repentance, dammit, and everything that had consumed his thoughts since he had started wandering, and before that, ever since.. ever since he'd.... he'd lost any right to notice things like the length of her hair or the color of her eyes or the way that her smile made his heart beat faster...

Closing his eyes, Kenshin stopped in the middle of the dojo yard, clenching his fists and breathing in and out, re-establishing the control he'd spent so long perfecting.

Sometimes I stand
In the middle of the floor,
Not going left,
Not going right.

He would find a way to bring his wayward emotions back under contol. It was the only option available to him, so he would do it. Making sure that his cheerful "rurouni" countenance was firmly in place, Kenshin went to heat the bathwater.

Instead of going to the Akebeko that evening, Kaoru persuaded Yahiko that it made more sense for them to go the following afternoon. Kenshin fixed a simple dinner, and even cautiously allowed Kaoru to help in the kitchen, although he was careful to keep her away from the spices and seasonings.

Once the evening had faded into night, and both Kaoru and Yahiko had gone to bed, Kenshin went out to perform the last part of the routine he'd developed during his life at the dojo.

I dim the lights
And think about you,

First, he checked the street in front of the gate for signs of anything suspicious before firmly closing and locking the gate. Then he walked the interior perimeter of the dojo, senses fully alert for anything suspicious, anything out of the ordinary. Checking the bathhouse was largely a question of making sure that the fire had been fully extinguished and that there were no wet towels lying around on the floor.

The bathhouse still smelled of jasmine, Kenshin realized. Almost as if Kaoru was still there, just finishing her bath, and he would turn around to see her, wrapped in a towel, looking at him...

Kenshin clenched his jaw against the image. 'And then she would beat you to a pulp with the nearest blunt object, idiot; and you would deserve it. You deserve it anyway, thinking about something like that...... again....'

Checking the inside of the house, Kenshin once again paused outside Kaoru's door, listening to the deep, even, sound of her breathing.

Nipping the temptation to open the door in the bud, Kenshin resolutely turned and headed for his own room. But sleep eluded him for a very long time.

Spend sleepless nights
To think about you.

"Kaoru-dono," he thought as he lay and stared at the ceiling, 'It means so much to me that you've allowed me to stay here, to have this chance at a peaceful life... the life of an ordinary swordsman... I have.. sessha has no right to keep thinking about.. everything that I've been thinking about...'

What on earth would she do if she ever suspected the thoughts that ran through his head? Hit him? Yell at him? Throw him back out onto the street like he deserved? Or...

He remembered when Kaoru had broken Jineh's hold on her, and how she had collapsed afterwards, causing him to panic and run to catch her, dropping his sakabatou in his frantic worry that she was dying, that Jineh had killed her, that he had killed her with his hesitation.... Then she had opened her eyes and looked at him,... she had looked at him, and everything about her expression had said....

You said you loved me,

No. No, that couldn't possibly have been it. Worry about him? That, he could believe. Relief that he hadn't broken his vow? Absolutely. Dizziness brought about by oxygen deprevation? Altogether a more logical, plausible explanation for the expression he had seen in Kaoru's eyes.

Or were you just being kind?

At any rate, those were explanations that didn't threaten to make Kenshin's own heart beat faster, that took away the temptation to go back out into the hall, to Kaoru's room, to wake her up and ask her what exactly she had meant by looking at him that way, and what she expected him to do about it, two questions which he doubted would elicit anything like a positive response at this late hour. Or any other time, really.

Or am I losing my mind?

Resolutely closing his eyes, Kenshin focused on taking deep, calming breaths, on clearing his mind of distracting thoughts and reflections, so that he could finally fall asleep.

After all, tomorrow promised to be another full day, and he had an early morning routine to wake up for.

I want you so,
It's like I'm losing my mind...