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Rurouni Kenshin Outtakes: Chapter 2 - Take Two!

by Narrator

Scene where Megumi runs into the room where Kenshin, Sano, and Sano’s friends are gambling:

Megumi: (sees Kenshin’s sword) Help me! Bad men are after me! (runs to him, her geta falling from her feet as she goes up the step…one of the geta hooks on the step, tripping her) Aaaaahhh!

Sano: (with amazing presence of mind, catches her) Hey, you all right?

Megumi: Oh yes, what woman wouldn’t be, in your arms?

Sano: *blush*

Kenshin: Oro? I thought Megumi-dono was supposed to be all clingy and flirty with sessha. (is hit over the head with a bokken by Kaoru) @_@x Orooooo!

Kaoru: Kenshin no baka!

Director: Cut! Kaoru, save it for later! (sees Megumi still clinging to Sano) And Megumi…uh, could you let go of him now?

Megumi: (pouts) Awww…! *~*

Scene from above, take two:

Megumi: (sees Kenshin’s sword) Help me! Bad men are after me! (doesn’t even bother to take off her geta and launches herself at Sano)

Sano: (all too happy to oblige, catches her…again…) So, tell us about these bad men you’re so worried about.

Megumi: Aw hell, who cares about them! Give Fox-lady a kiss!

Sano: ^_^ Yes ma’am!

Kenshin: *whip-cracking noise*

*Insert major S/M make-out session for yourself…The Narrator’s not going into details…*

Yahiko: (offstage, talking through a major nosebleed) And I dod Kaodru and Kendshin were bad!

Director: Cud! For de love of all dat’s decent, CUD!

This outtake was dedicated to all you S/M fans out there!

Scene where Megumi’s made ohagi to celebrate Yahiko getting better:

Ayame: Ohagi! I love ohagi!

Suzume: Ohagi! Ohagi!

Kaoru: Where’s Sano? I don’t think he’d want to miss out on this.

Kenshin: He probably went home to take a na-…

Sano: (running in from offstage) I have no idea what you’re talking about, Kenshin! Now scoot over and stop hogging the ohagi! (begins pigging out)

Kenshin: *sweatdrop* Ano, Sano? I don’t think…

Saitou: (also coming in from offstage) If the ahou gets to eat the ohagi, then I do too. (sits down and grabs one of the ohagi)

Sano: Bmerf umpf oof affss, ooo akcer! (Rough Translation: Blow it out your ass, you…*well, I think you know Sano well enough to figure out what he said*)

Megumi: Sano!

Sano: (looks at her with big eyes and cheeks stuffed like a chipmunk) Merf?

Megumi: (trying to look stern) You shouldn’t *snort* say such *ha ha* such *snicker* bad words in front of…oh never mind! HAHAHAHAHA! I wish I had a camera!

Soujiro: (I have no idea where he came from) Oooo, ohagi! I LOOOOOOVVVVE ohagi! (begins scarfing them down with his super-speed)

Kaoru: I think I’m going to be ill.

Yahiko: Hey! These are supposed to be mine! Stop eating them!

Soujiro: Make me! THHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

Yahiko: Yeah, well….TTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPPPBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTT! to you too!

Saitou: Both of you, stop it. You’re getting your spit on the ohagi.

Soujiro and Yahiko: SHUT UP! THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTT!

Saitou: *eye twitch* Aku, Zoku,…THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

This goes back and forth for a while, until the entire cast is involved in a raspberry war.

Director: I don’t suppose you’d listen to me if I said cut?

Kenshin Cast: NO! TTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Director: *sigh* I didn’t think so. If anyone wants me, I’ll be out back, sobbing…

Scene where Saitou is just about to face off with Sano for the first time:

Saitou: I suppose I will just have to leave you as my calling card (reaches behind his back and pulls out his concealed katana…only it’s still in its sheath)

Sano: So you’re going to beat me senseless with a stick? (A/N: Probably not a good idea to provoke Saitou like that, even if he only has a stick)

Saitou: *deathglare* Shut up ahou. (tries unsheathing the katana, but it won’t come out) Stupid son-of-a…!

Sano: Need any help with that, eh Saitou?

Saitou: Grrrrrr…

Off-camera shot of Kaoru and Kenshin high-fiving each other and laughing their asses off. Kaoru has a can of glue by her feet.

Director: Justice has been served. ^_^

Yahiko: I guess Director-sama’s having a Wufei moment.

Scene from above, take two:

Saitou: I suppose I will just have to leave you as my calling card. (successfully unsheathes his katana)

Sano: (goes into a fighting stance)

Cell phone: RING!

Saitou: Aw, crap! Time out! (puts his katana down and pulls out his cell phone) Moshi moshi! Yes dear…no, I’m in the middle of a shoot right now…yes, dear…no, dear…I’m sorry, really, I am! No, I didn’t forget, I swear! Honey, listen to me, I’ve just been so busy…

While this has been going on, everyone has been watching with varying degrees of shock on their faces.

Soujiro: Does this mean Saitou-san REALLY is married?

Yahiko: Looks like it. o_O

Kenshin: Not only is he married, he’s also W-H-I-P-P-E-D! Hee hee…

Kaoru: Oooo, massive brain warp, ooooo…

Megumi: Tell me about it…

Saitou: (hangs up cell phone with an injured puppy dog look on his face) Where were we? (dejectedly picks up katana)

Sano: (sympathetic) Forgot your anniversary, huh?

Saitou: *nod* Our fifth…

Sano: (shakes head knowingly) What is it with women and anniversaries anyway? I mean, so what if it’s another year since you…

Megumi: (smacks him over the head with Kaoru’s bokken) SANO NO BAKA! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT!! JUST FOR THAT…!

Sano: Megumi…?!?!?!? Itai! Megu…itai! Koishii! ITAI!

Megumi: DON’T YOU DARE “KOISHII” ME, MISTER! COME BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT!

Saitou: (watches Megumi chase Sano around the set) At least Tokio doesn’t resort to violence…

Tokio: (appearing out of thin air) Wanna bet?

Saitou: (takes one look and runs)

Director: That…was…interesting.

The Narrator wishes to state that she has nothing against Saitou, it’s just that he’s so much fun to make fun of. And I wish they had put Tokio in the series.

Rurouni Kenshin Top Ten…

Top Ten Indicators that a Rurouni Kenshin Villain is about to land

“in a world of sh^t.”*

10. The villain threatens to harm any of the Kenshin-gumi.

9. Kenshin unsheathes his sakabatou.

8. Kenshin uses “kisama” in any of his sentences.

7. Kenshin’s pupils get reeeeeeeeeaaaalllllllyy small and/or disappear all together.

6. The villain says, “I’m invincible/undefeatable/etc…”

5. Kenshin drops the “de gozaru” from his sentences.

4. Kenshin sheathes his sakabatou and goes into his buttou juttsu stance.

3. Kenshin’s eyes turn gold. (pant! pant!)

2. The villain kidnaps (or in anyway harms/threatens to harm) Kaoru-dono.

1. The villain says, “I win.”

*Kudos to anyone who knows what movie this is from!

Top Ten Ways to Piss Off Kaoru (if you’re feeling suicidal…)

10. Call her “tanuki.” (especially if you’re a doctor-type Kitsune)

9. Insult her cooking.

8. Be a red-headed-rurouni and bleed on her favorite indigo ribbon which she loaned to you.

7. Be a red-headed rurouni and show any interest whatsoever in any other woman.

6. Call her “busu.”

5. Be a red-headed rurouni and give her a catfish on her “special day.”

4. Call her “busu” and insult her cooking.

3. Get her drunk. (but only if you want to be in massive amounts of pain)

2. Beat up on anyone smaller and/or weaker than you in her presence.

1. Be a red-headed rurouni and leave on a quest without her.*

*This will also guarantee you the enmity of every K&K fan until you come back and declare your undying love to her. The Narrator is still pissed over that one!

Two Words Guaranteed to Floor any of the Kenshin-gumi:

“Saitou’s married.”

Okay, so that’s not exactly a “Top Ten” list, but I had to say it. And it would work, ne?