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Rurouni Kenshin Outtakes: Chapter 7 - I Thought You Hated Baroque (Party at The Narrator's Authorspace!)

by Narrator ::: 30.Jun.2002

“Narrator here. Welcome to my Authorspace!”

“There’s no one here except me and Pookie, you twit,” Kanashimi helpfully informed her sister as she pushed open the tall door. Saitou was right behind her, figuring that it was better for his health if he kept both of the insane girls under surveillance.

The Narrator eeped and turned around to glare at her sibling. “I know that, I was just trying out was I was going to say to everyone,” she said huffily.

Kanashimi raised an eyebrow. “You were having trouble with four words? Remind me never to recommend you to Broadway.”

“Shut up,” Narrator snapped irritably, the last twelve sleepless hours beginning to tell on her normally cheerful (cha, right!) disposition. “Anyway, what do you think of the party room?” she asked, waving her hand expansively.

“Cool,” Kanashimi said, looking up at the high, sweeping ceiling, the ornate crystal chandelier, and the mirrors reflecting warm golden candlelight, “Versailles meets the Amber Room, eh? I thought you hated baroque.”

“Well, yeah,” admitted Narrator, “but the apse from Mont-St. Michael seemed kinda sacrilegious for this sort of thing.”

Saitou, completely lost at this point (not that he understood the two of them on a regular basis, mind you), merely added, “Huh?”

“It’s okay, Pookie, I’ll explain it to you later,” Kanashimi said comfortingly, patting him on the arm.

With a contented brushing of her hands, Narrator declared herself satisfied with her preparations. There was only one thing missing… “And now, before my reviewers arrive…bring in the guests of honor!”

Bob, The Ever Faithful and Talented, Hard-Working

(Bob, I let you write this only if you kept the editorializing at a min…)

Ahem. As it was, Bob the Laptop speedily processed The Narrator’s request and with a *ZORT!* produced the Rurouni Kenshin cast in a beautiful plume of green smoke accented with silver glitter.

(The Narrator will state now that she does not own Rurouni Kenshin or associated characters, but you would have had to have not read the last six disclaimers to think otherwise. She also does not own anything else that is clearly the property of their owners that appear in the telling of this tale.)

“*Zort*?” Kanashimi echoed. She brushed silver flakes from her hair. “And what’s with the glittery stuff?”

Narrator grimaced. “Bob’s getting in touch with his “creative” side,” she told Kanashimi. She was also trying to restrain herself from glomping Kenshin that very instant (inter-reality traveling does so mess with one’s mental faculties, often rendering the traveler incapacitated for several moments).

(And we all know what one does to an incapacitated Kenshin, eh minna-san?)

If you please.

(Oh, right…heh heh, you may continue, Bob.)

Thank you. Kenshin, having recovered use of his mind and realizing that he and the rest of the Kenshin-gumi, not to mention Aoshi, Misao, his shishou, Soujiro, Tsubame, Tae, Ayame, Suzume, and (quite shockingly), Kamatari and Yumi were in a strange room he had never seen before, naturally asked the first question that would come to the lips of anyone else confronted with such a situation:

(Wow. Hey, Bob, didn’t you have to breathe through any of that?)

Narrator-sama…

(Oops, okay! I won’t interrupt any more!)

“Oro? Where are we, de gozaru ka?”

“In Hell,” Kanashimi gleefully informed him before Narrator could open her mouth.

“Too right,” Saitou agreed vehemently. Naturally, everyone’s eyes (except Yumi’s) widened with shock.

“What did you say?!” Kaoru gasped, staring at the girl and her slightly scary outfit (with all due respect to Kanashimi, knee high boots, fishnets, black lipstick, and a mini-skirt with death’s-heads all over it tend to make people nervous, which what Kanashimi does in her spare time).

Kanashimi grinned at the opportunity this opened. “Heh heh…Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch’entrate,” she added. (Translation: Abandon all hope, ye who enter.)

“Kanashimi!” Narrator exclaimed, finally able to get her vocal cords working, “Quit it with The Inferno crap, you’re scaring them!” She directed Bob to release some ARA (Alternate Reality Adjustment) gas into the room before anyone could start freaking out.

“You always spoil my fun,” Kanashimi pouted.

“Hey, don’t I know you?” Sano asked her.

“You were that little girl who dragged Saitou away!” Yahiko blurted, making the connection before Sano could. He looked Kanashimi up and down. “You got taller.”

“Observant little bugger, ain’t he?” Kanashimi noted.

“NANI?!” Yahiko shouted, balling up his fists.

“Bring it!” Kanashimi laughed.

Kenshin and Narrator immediately leaped into the role of peacemakers. “Maa, maa, you two…” they said in unison, then looked at each other.

“Eh heh heh, I’m The Narrator by the way…” Narrator said after an awkward silence.

“Nice to meet you, Narrator-dono…” Kenshin said, sweatdropping.

“Don’t you think you’d better say it now?” Kanashimi said to her sister, sotto voce.

“Say what?” Narrator wondered.

Kanashimi slapped her forehead and groaned. “I think I see why you needed to practice…”

“Oh yeah. Welcome to my Authorspace!” Narrator said brightly.

Crickets chirped in the background until Kanashimi had one of her squirrel minions exterminate them with a can of Raid.

“Help me,” Saitou pleaded to the ceiling. And not for the last time.

*For the sake of brevity, not to mention reader sanity, Bob has fast-forwarded till approximately three hours later, after The Narrator has sufficiently explained the (ahem) justification behind her kidnapping of the RK cast and has secured everyone’s cooperation…

…more or less.*

“Hiko, please, just for a couple of hours?” Narrator pleaded.

The Thirteenth Master of Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu looked down at the authoress from his distinguished height. “I will not give my sake to you, little girl,” he said firmly, demonstrating that the conversation was at an end by draining yet another cup of the liquor.

“I didn’t say I was…Saitou, stop picking on Sano!” Narrator yelled to be heard above the noise her guests were making. She ran toward the two men and glomped Sano to prevent him from taking a swing at Saitou.

“The ahou was the one who started it,” Saitou pointed out.

“Did not!” Sano protested.

“Did too.”

“Did not!”

“Too.”

“NOT!”

“Pookie…” Kanashimi said warningly as she set out the last bowl of chips.

Saitou gulped and walked away as quickly as dignity would allow.

“Ha ha!” Sano crowed, “The infamous Wolf of Mibu is whipped by a little girl! Ha ha!”

“I didn’t give you permission to laugh, did I, tori-atama?” Kanashimi asked, glaring at him.

Sano wisely “meeped!” and beat a hasty retreat.

“Thanks for handling that, Kanashimi…I think,” Narrator called to her, “…what is it now, Yumi?”

“Why couldn’t Shishio-sama be here?” the former courtesan asked plaintively.

“Yes, why didn’t you invite him?” Kamatari added, coming up behind Narrator, who was very glad she confiscated the transvestite’s scythe.

‘Maybe because, with the exception of you two, everyone here would line up for a chance to kick his crispy-fried ass?’ Narrator thought before saying, “Isn’t he rather busy trying to take over Hell now?”

“Well, true…” Yumi admitted.

“Just try and enjoy yourself for a couple of hours without him,” Narrator said pleasantly, trying to keep all sarcasm out of her voice.

“I suppose…” Kamatari muttered and wondered off to examine the baklava on the desert table.

Suddenly, the Narrator was assaulted by the two ankle-biters. “Narrator-nee, we’re bored!” Ayame informed her.

“Bored!” Suzume echoed.

“Um…” Narrator thought fast and then pulled two giant Pixie sticks from Voidspace, “Here, have some candy!”

“Wai!” the two little girls cheered and began scarfing down the flavored sugar.

Narrator noticed Soujiro giving her puppy dog eyes. “Do you want one too?” she asked.

Soujiro nodded vigorously, making his puppy eyes even bigger and adding just a hint of tears.

“Kawaii!” Narrator gushed, completely overcome by the cuteness, “OK, here you go!” She handed him another Pixie stick.

“Arigato, Narrator-san!” Soujiro said and promptly inhaled the all sugar in one go.

“Ano, Narrator-san?” Kaoru tapped Narrator on the shoulder.

“Yes?”

“Why did you sign me up for “Spin-the-Bottle”?” Kaoru asked looking down at the game list she had in her hands.

“Because I signed Kenshin up for it, too,” Narrator told her, grinning like the WAFFy idiot she is.

(Bob!)

It’s true! Why else are you always drawing them kissing and…so forth?

(Ummm…never mind…)

“Huh?” Kaoru said, not understanding Narrator’s smile or why she seemed to be having an argument with herself.

“Oi…” Narrator groaned, and took her aside to explain the principles of “Spin-the-Bottle.”

“Why is Kaoru blushing so much?” Megumi asked no one in particular as she carried a tray of ohagi over to the table, “I…” Because her attention was distracted she tripped over Aoshi, who was meditating on the floor. “Aaaah!”

Aoshi looked over at her sprawled on the floor, but otherwise did not move.

Naturally, Megumi was slightly pissed. “You jerk!” she yelled, “Why are you sitting in the middle of the floor like that! Now the ohagi are all over the place!”

“Hey, are you calling my Aoshi-sama a jerk?!” Misao demanded, popping up out of nowhere like the weasel girl she is.

“So what if I am? He is a jerk for sitting on the floor like that, tripping people up!”

“Well, you’re a jerk for tripping over him!” Misao argued, “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”

“I shouldn’t have to do something like that,” Megumi said haughtily, “Only idiots sit in the middle of a crowded room to meditate.”

“Aoshi-sama’s not an idiot!” Misao yelled, going SD.

“Misao…” Aoshi began.

“Be quiet, Aoshi-sama! I’m defending your honor!” Misao ordered and glared at Megumi.

Aoshi sighed and closed his eyes.

Kenshin, nervously fiddling around with the utensils on one of the tables, groaned. “Oh no, now Megumi-dono and Misao-dono have started fighting…”

“If you try stopping it, you’ll be slaughtered, you know,” Sano observed.

“Hai, hai…” Kenshin sighed.

“Kowai…” Tsubame meeped as Megumi and Misao prepared to do battle.

Kanashimi, ever the cool head in a crisis, yelled out, “Karaoke time everyone!” A huge karaoke machine popped out of Voidspace beside her. She took up a microphone, took a deep breath, and began to sing. “WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE!!” Come on, everyone! Sing with me, Pookie!”

“I refuse to sing such an idiotic song,” Saitou declared, remembering the last time Kanashimi had him sing it.

(Saitou. British accent. ‘Nuff said.)

“Pookie, I’ll be upset if you don’t…”

“Erk…”

“WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE!!” Saitou and Kanashimi sang at the top of their lungs.

“Oh, for the love of God…” Narrator moaned.

“And our friends are all aboard, many more of them, live next door! And the band begins to play…” they continued, a thoroughly sloshed Hiko joining in.

Meanwhile, Suzume was running around the room, screaming, “Oooo, look at the shiny mirrors! Shiny shiny shiny shinyshinyhshinyshinyshinyshiny…! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

“WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE!! WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE!!” sang Kanashimi, Saitou, Hiko and Sano. Saitou provided the indistinct British voices.

Ayame was having an intense conversation with a fork. “But I never said I wanted to sing the “Happy Monkey Song,” so why did you make me sing it? I was so embarrassed! You’re really mean if you make me sing it to all the little chipmunks, who scare me with their big black shiny scary cute little black eyes…!”

“As we live a life ease, every one of us has all we need. Sky of blue and sea of green, in our yellow submarine!” Kamatari and Yumi had excellent voices, which was no real surprise.

Soujiro, foaming somewhat at the mouth, attempted to jump onto the chandelier. “I AM THE MONKEY GOD! ALL MORTALS WILL FALL DOWN AND WORSHIP ME!!” he shouted, actually managing to run up one of the walls onto the chandelier and hang there like a brain-damaged spider monkey.

“I’m beginning to see that maybe the Pixie sticks were a bad idea…” Narrator muttered.

“WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE!! WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE!!” By now, pretty much everyone had gotten the hang of the chorus.

“What’s a yellow submarine?” Kaoru asked Kenshin.

“Sessha has no idea, de gozaru.”

Narrator could feel the oncoming of a migraine. “It’s chaos already and the others haven’t even arrived…”

Just then, Bob emitted his trademark *ZORT!* embellished with purple fire and gold smoke.

“I’m here!” Jason M. Lee announced. He looked over at the karaoke group, who were arguing over which song would be sung next: “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” or “All the Small Things.” “Okaaaay…” he said and looked around for someone to give an explanation.

Narrator waved him over to the punch bowl. “It’s nice to meet the author of “Ryuu no Keiro,” not to mention one of my most observant reviewers,” she said, shaking his hand, “Welcome to my Authorspace!”

Jason was about to reply with some polite formality when Soujiro began screaming again.

“WORSHIP ME, MORTAL!”

The newcomer sweat dropped and asked, “Do I want to know?”

“No.”

*ZORT!*

There were two brilliant flashes of light, one blue and one white, accompanied by a flurry of yellow rose petals.

“This is what I get from a laptop who hangs out at the FTD website…” Narrator muttered, “Welcome to my Authorspace!” she said a bit louder.

“Hi!” said Onna

“Thanks for the invite!” added Rachael.

“You’re welcome. Step right in, make yourself at home, and ignore the Tenken hanging from the chandelier,” Narrator instructed briskly, before Hiko could start on the second verse of “In the Jungle.”

“Riiiiight…” Rachael said, then spotted Aoshi walking away from the karaoke group as fast as he could without running. The “Tales of the Kenshin-gumi” authoress immediately ran over to glomp him. “AOSHI-SAMA!!”

“Hey, I’m the only one who’s allowed to call him that! You stay away from him!” Misao snarled.

“Make me!” Rachael shot back and stuck out her tongue.

“Hey, Kenshin!” Onna called, running over to the rurouni.

“Oro?!” was all Kenshin managed.

“Kaoru, don’t be mad but…” Onna said, and them glomped him, “I’ve always wanted to do that! Did you know I made you a world famous singer in “Natsu No E”?”

“Oroooooo…” Kenshin said from the floor, swirly-eyed and praying Kaoru’s bokken would not suddenly come down on his head like the wrath of Heaven.

*ZORT!*

A burst of red fire and clouds of white and gold smoke distracted everyone from their current activities (much to Narrator’s relief).

“Konnichi-wa, minna-san!” Kori Suketchi greeted, “Where’s Kenshin?”

“Ah, Kori-sama! You’re the one who sent Kanashimi that doujinshi that cured me right?” Narrator asked.

“Yup!” Kori replied, grinning.

Narrator shook her hand gratefully. “Thank you so much!” she said, “I’m sure Kanashimi will want to thank you herself. Oh, and here it is by the way…”

“Why is it wrapped up in yards of plastic and duct-tape?” Kori wanted to know, staring at the bulky package in her hands that somewhat resembled a tacky throw pillow.

Narrator sweat dropped. “Eh heh, ummmm…Kanashimi didn’t want it traumatizing her Pookie anymore,” she explained somewhat reluctantly.

“But he’d have to read it to…” Kori said before realizing where the conversation was headed, “Oh…”

“I never thought Saitou would…you know…” Narrator said awkwardly.

“…erk…” agreed Kori.

“By the by, I’ve read “To the RK World and Back”,” Narrator changed the subject as fast as she could, “I love all the *ahem* innuendoes you and your friends come up with.”

“I tend to surprise people,” Kori said, “I look all innocent and then I end up having a hentai streak a mile long.”

“But of course!”

*ZORT!*

Three flashes of light, orange, green, and white, accompanied by a rainbow mist, announced the arrival of more guests.

“Bob, I’m beginning to think you’re on an acid trip,” Narrator said frankly to her laptop, “Welcome to my Authorspace, minna-san!”

“Sano!” Angel-chan yelped and immediately ran over to glomp him.

“Who are you? Hey, get your hands away from there!” Sano yelled, trying to disengage himself.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?!” Megumi demanded, sounding exactly like Misao for an instant. Earning her stares from everyone in hearing range.

“She’s acting awfully possessive, isn’t she?” Tae observed.

“Hello,” said SAGE.

“You’re the other Saitou fan, aren’t you?” Narrator asked her.

“Got that right. Where is he, anyway?”

Narrator pointed in Saitou’s direction, praying that Kanashimi would be willing to share her Pookie for a couple of hours. And then had the evil thought of what would happen to Saitou if two all-powerful authoresses started fighting over him.

(Mehehehehe…*^.^*)

You really don’t like Saitou-san, do you.

(He hurt Kenshin.)

Ah.

“Um…Good job so far on “Citrus Grove.” I can’t wait till you get to Kenshin and Kaoru,” Narrator said, blushing slightly. SAGE nodded and made a beeline for Saitou.

“Hi! Thank you so much for inviting me!” Emiri-chan said.

“I’m glad you could come!” Narrator burbled, tickled pink by Emiri-chan’s enthusiasm, “I’m sorry I haven’t read “Rended” yet, but I will. Go on and join everyone, I think Bob’s about to transport some more guests…”

*KA-FLUNGY!*

Everyone in the room stared over at Bob.

“Hey Bob, you okay?” Narrator asked nervously.

Bob made a long, shrill, beeping sound, coughed, and then room was filled with an explosion of green and silver fire and clouds of purple glitter. Teika, Takato Takashi, Akal-Saris, chibi-angel, Cherry and fujifumum popped out of Realspace and landed on the hard marble floor in a big pile with a *WHUMP!*

“Itai…”

“Oh, geez, I’m so sorry about that!” Narrator yelled, running up to them. Other party guests quickly helped to sort out the new arrivals.

“Are you all right?” Aoshi asked Teika, holding her head in his lap.

“Uh-huh…” she replied, starry-eyed with glee.

Aoshi sweat dropped.

“Daijoubu, de gozaru ka?” Kenshin inquired, helping both Takato and fujimum to their feet.

“I think you’re all right now,” Sano said to Cherry, who was clutching him firmly around the waist.

“No wait, I think I feel a dizzy spell coming on!” Cherry exclaimed, holding him tighter.

“Let…go…can’t…breathe…” Sano gasped.

“I really think sake would help me to recover,” Akal-Saris said to Hiko. Hiko merely looked down at the author and rolled his eyes.

“How many times do I have to say it?” he sighed, “I’m not handing my sake over to anyone.” Thankfully, he did not notice Akal-Saris skillfully relieving him of said liquor as he walked away.

“Welcome to the party,” Narrator told chibi-angel lamely, “Bob sometimes tries to handle more data than he really can.”

“Eh, no problem,” chibi-angel said, slightly swirly-eyed from the impact, “Okay, whoever keeps moving the floor needs to stop now.”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Soujiro laughed insanely from the chandelier, “MORE MORTALS WHO WILL BEND TO MY WILL! BOW DOWN OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF MY FLYING BANANAS!” He promptly hurled down a handful of candles, almost beaning Narrator in the head and causing more than several guests to duck for cover.

“Okay, now he’s getting annoying,” said Narrator, her eyes flashing pink for a split second.

“Have whip, will travel?” Kanashimi suggested.

“You think you can handle him?” Narrator asked her sister.

Kanashimi looked up at Soujiro, who was screaming incoherently. “No problem.”

“Just try not to hurt him,” Misao said anxiously.

Aoshi frowned ever-so-slightly. “Misao?”

“Nani?” Misao responded, wondering why anyone would think it strange that Narrator would momentarily indulge in an allusion to an alternate Misao/Soujiro pairing.

“This could get ugly....” Kaoru whispered to Emiri-chan, Kori, and Onna who all nodded gleefully.

“Kanashimi-dono?” Kenshin said to Kanashimi somewhat nervously, “What are you doing, de gozaru ka?”

Kanashimi, caught in the act of licking her whip, only grinned.

“It’s better not to ask questions sometimes, Kenshin,” Jason said.

“OHOHOHOHOHO!!” Kanashimi laughed, jumping into the air. The whip cracked. “It is you who will bow before me, impotent male! For I am GoD!”

Narrator swiftly covered Ayame and Suzume’s eyes and Tsubame ducked behind her tray. All of the otakus grabbed the nearest bowl of munchies and settled down to watch the show.

“Yipe! Yipe! Yipe!” Soujiro squeaked.

“Oooo, you know that hurt!”

“OHOHOHOHOHOHO!”

“Run, Sou-kun, she’s right behind you!”

“Misao…”

Jason whispered something to Kaoru and pointed at Kenshin. Kaoru immediately turned a fetching shade of scarlet. “When did I do that?”

“Er, Kanashimi-dono, sessha does not think…”

*WHUMP!*

“Never mind, de gozaru…”

“Punishment completed,” Kanashimi announced, propping up a dazed Soujiro, “He might be out of it for a while, but he’ll be okay.”

“I certainly hope so,” Narrator said indignantly, passing handkerchiefs around for anyone with a bloody nose, “or I’d have a real problem come tomorrow with pissed-off Soujiro fans.”

“Well, I can always…”

“No.”

“But…”

“NO!”

“Aw, you always spoil my fun,” Kanashimi whined, and went looking for Saitou.

“Okay, now that everyone’s here,” said Narrator, “let’s play some games. Where’s SAGE?”

“Hai?” called the authoress, looking up from her Saitou-glomping. The ex-Shinsengumi breathed a sigh of relief. Until he saw a fuming Kanashimi standing over him, whip still in hand.

“I can’t believe you, you…you…CHEATER!” she yelled.

“Help me,” Saitou said to the ceiling (not for the last time, best beloved!), and then took off at a dead run.

“You suggested “Twister.” I think we’ll start with that,” Narrator said, ignoring the shrieks and whip-cracking in the background. She looked over at Bob, who beeped at her irritably. “I guess Bob’s not going to help us with this one…”

“That’s okay,” SAGE reassured her and pulled a Twister game out of nowhere, “I came prepared.”

“Yoshi!” Narrator cheered, “All right, who’s in?”

‘~*~’

“Right hand, red,” called fujifumum, winner of the last game. Everyone still left on the mat strained to do as they were told.

“Oro! Sessha’s hand was already there, de gozaru yo!” Kenshin yelped as Kori slammed her hand down on the nearest available red spot.

“Fight ya for it,” Kori responded, giggling.

“Mou, this is really hard,” Kaoru whined, doing her best impression of a pretzel.

“Oi, busu!” Yahiko yelled from the sidelines.

“NANI?!” Kaoru yelled, looking up to glare at him. This of course caused her to fall over, taking Jason M. Lee with her.

“Itai…” Jason groaned, “Would you mind taking your foot out of my stomach?”

“That’s for distracting me last time,” Yahiko said smugly.

“Yatta, Aoshi-sama!” Misao cheered. She had been taken out early on because she thought she heard Saitou mutter “itachi-musume” at her in passing.

“Yeah, go Aoshi!” Teika cheered.

“Whoo-hoo!” added Rachael.

“Don’t you dare cheer for my Aoshi-sama!” Misao glared at them.

“Free country.”

“Thhhhhbbbbppppttt!”

“Ooooo, the room’s spinning again!” chibi-angel announced.

“Who just touched me?” Sano yelped.

“Sano, now’s not really the time to be complaining about that,” said Narrator, her nose about a centimeter from his…knee, “Cause you’re moving around a lot and…”

*CRASH!*

“Darn, why didn’t he fall on me?” Cherry asked wistfully.

“Or me,” Angel-chan agreed.

“Sano, you have a pointy butt! Get offa me!” Narrator yelled. Since she was currently under Sano, it came out sounding like, “Ahno mer umpf! Ooo gah heee!”

“Get your hand out of my face,” Aoshi growled.

“As soon as you get your torso offa me!” Kori whooshed.

“Oroooo…” Kenshin groaned.

“Who won that one?” Narrator asked. She looked around the mat and spotted the last person standing….sort of. “Yumi?”

“Well, you gotta figure…” Akal-Saris whispered aside to Takato.

‘~*~’

*KA-BLOOSH*

“Okay, that was really cold!” Narrator yelled, water dripping down her face, “Who’s the dead man walking who threw that?!”

Kenshin slowly raised his hand.

“Omae o korosu,” Narrator snarled, and ran after him with a hose.

“That was nice of him, taking the fall for you like that,” Kanashimi said to Takato.

“I hope she doesn’t hurt him too badly.”

“Naw, she likes him as much I like Saitou.”

“But don’t you chase Saitou around with a whip?” Cherry asked.

“Yeah, so?”

“Never mind.”

“Oi, Megumi!” Sano yelled.

“Nani?”

*SPLASH!*

“Hey, this is my favorite kimono!” Kamatari yelled, and chased Sano down with his Super-Soaker.

“I didn’t know you had reflexes like that,” Kaoru said frankly.

Megumi grinned and ducked another balloon, thrown by Akal-Saris. Kaoru ran after him to exact vengeance.

*SPLASH!*

“Um, Kanashimi-san?” Soujiro called from the closet, “Can you let me out now?”

“EEEEEEEEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!” Misao screamed, throwing five water balloons at once at Saitou, completely dousing him and soaking his last cigarette.

“Oh, big mistake there, Misao,” Kanashimi told her.

“Aoshi-sama, help me!” Misao yelped, chased by a homicidal Kanashimi.

“I’m a little busy Misao,” Aoshi replied, nervously regarding Rachael and Teika closing in on him with their Super Soakers.

Angel-chan expertly threw a water balloon at Kamatari, successfully distracting him from Sano. “You owe me!” she yelled over her shoulder.

“Um…” said Sano, anxiously wondering how he was supposed to pay that debt.

“In the meantime, Sano,” Cherry purred, “How ‘bout you and I check out the whipped cream and cherries on the dessert table? There’s a reason I’m called Cherry.”

“Ack…” Sano backed away rapidly from the growling red head, looking every which way for an escape route.

“Saitou, help me!”

“Ahou,” Saitou responded, smirking as he casually walked away.

“DAMN YOU SAITOU!!”

“Saitou!” SAGE took the opportunity to glomp Saitou while Kanashimi was occupied.

“Help me,” Saitou pleaded, sick with the irony of the situation.

Yahiko was staunchly protecting Tsubame from any and all assailants, earning more than a couple of “awwwww”s from the women.

“Hiko-san, why aren’t you helping Kenshin?” Tae asked as Kenshin ran past, oro-ing his head off, Narrator not five steps behind.

“My baka deshi can handle himself,” Hiko drawled, and went off to drink some more punch, which tasted strongly of mai-tai.

‘~*~’

“But I like the Spice Girls, and I want to sing one of their songs!”

“Kamatari, there’s more than one Spice Girl and I don’t think anyone here would…”

“As long as I’m not Baby Spice, I’ll sing with you.”

“T-Tae-san?”

“Nani?”

“Never mind.”

“Saitou and I are singing “Unforgettable” next!”

“A concussion could solve that problem.”

“Touch my Pookie, tori-atama, and you’ll find my boot some place where the sun don’t shine!”

“Ano, Narrator-dono, Kaoru and sessha would like to sing “Some Enchanted Evening,” de gozaru.”

“Awwwwww…!”

“Can he even sing baritone?”

“Sh!”

“This is going to be interesting…”

“We’re going to sing “It’s Raining Men”!”

“…”

“Maybe we’ll just get all the guys to do a chorus line…”

“…!”

“Can I sing the Barney Song?”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“Aku, Soku, Zan!”

*WHA-POW!*

“Soujiro, I thought you knew better.”

“I was only kidding…itai…”

“Still…*sigh* let’s get some ice for that. And Saitou, stop using the baguettes for katanas!”

“You took mine away.”

“Aw, Pookie, don’t be sad, you’ll get it back after the party.”

‘~*~’

Kenshin gulped. Never in his entire life had he been more nervous, terrified, elated and anxious, and all at once too.

“If he doesn’t kiss her, I’m going to pass out,” said Narrator.

“Maybe you should stop holding your breath,” Kori suggested.

“No, wait, I want to see if she turns purple,” said Kanashimi.

Onna looked ready to thwack Kenshin upside the head if he did not get himself moving and Jason was trying his hardest to send telepathic commands to the rurouni.

“Kaoru-chan looks like she’s about to faint,” Tae whispered aside to Megumi.

“The tanuki had better stay conscious,” Megumi said in reply, glaring at Kaoru, who was trembling.

The empty bottle on the floor pointed at Kaoru like a glasseline finger of Fate.

*WHUMP!*

“Darn, she only turned tomato,” Kanashimi grumped, looking down at her prone sister.

“You owe me twenty bucks,” SAGE said.

“Yeah, yeah…”

“Kaoru-dono…” Kenshin said, his eyes never wavering from Kaoru’s. Ever so slowly, he began closing the distance that separated them. To him, she was the only thing that existed in the universe.

“Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up,” chibi-angel chanted under her breath.

Closer, closer, closer…

“Hey, is he doing what I think he’s doing?” Kanashimi hissed to SAGE.

“Yep, the baka’s going to try and kiss her on the cheek!”

“Aw, hell no…”

Takato, sitting next to Kaoru, narrowed his eyes as he observed that Kenshin was about to foul up The Narrator’s moment of planned WAFF. Being the polite guest that he was, he took matters into his own hands.

“Move it, Kenshin!” he barked, reaching out and jerking Kenshin toward Kaoru.

“Oroo-merf!” Kenshin tried to say, but his catch phrase was smothered Kaoru’s surprised lips. It took several seconds for him to realize that not only was he kissing Kaoru-dono on the lips but he was also sprawled on her in a very compromising position. He hurriedly tried to get up, but Kaoru would have none of that.

“Oh no you don’t, Kenshin!” she ordered, and pulled him down again. Kenshin resisted for all of two seconds before his Battousai self gave the Rurouni a swift kick in the head and took over.

There was a round of applause as K+K fans either sighed at the romantic sight or cheered the couple on.

“I have a feeling they’re going to be busy for a little while,” Onna remarked, “How about Hiko goes next?”

“Eh?” Hiko said, looking up at the sound of his name.

“Spin the bottle, Hiko-san,” Cherry told him helpfully.

“Which one?” the befuddled sword master demanded, trying to fix bleary eyes on the piece of glassware on the floor.

“Did he get a hold of more vodka or did someone spike the punch again?” Kanashimi asked.

Akal-Saris and Onna whistled innocently.

Hiko blithely spun the bottle, once he got a good grip on it. Round and round it went, finally stopping on…

“Hey, does it count if the person’s unconscious?” Emiri-chan wanted to know.

Kanashimi looked down at her sister, then at Hiko. “Eh, go ahead; you just might snap her out of it.”

“Of course I will,” Hiko bragged, “No woman can resist my charms.”

“Riiiiiight,” Yahiko said, “Just hurry up will ya!”

“Someone’s a little anxious for his turn, isn’t he?” fujimum teased, poking him in the side.

“Urusei!” Yahiko retorted, blushing mightily.

Hiko bent down and kissed Narrator full on the lips.

Narrator’s eyes flew open.

“Can I have your turn if you stay up there?” Kanashimi called to her sister, who screaming from atop the chandelier.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE HE KISSED ME! I WAS UNCONSCIOUS FOR GOD’S SAKE! GIVE A GIRL SOME WARNING!!”

“So, can I have your turn?”

“Hell no!”

“Damn…”

“It’s okay, Hiko-san,” Akal-Saris told Hiko comfortingly, “I’m sure she was just surprised by how good a kisser you were.”

“That and she isn’t the most mature person in the world when it comes to the opposite sex,” Kanashimi supplied.

“I heard that!” Narrator jumped down from the chandelier and, while glaring at her sister, spun the bottle. Round and round it went, stopping on…

“Kiss me and die, woman,” Kamatari growled.

“Erk,” said Narrator and looked at her guests, “There’s a penalty I can take instead of kissing someone, right?”

“Ummm…”

“I know!” Angel-chan said. She walked over to Narrator and whispered in her ear. Narrator blinked, looked at her, then at Kamatari, who growled again. “I’ll do it,” she sighed.

Ten verses of “Henry the Eighth I Am” (accompanied by Cossack dancing) later, Kamatari got his turn. It landed on Yumi.

“How do you sing that song?” Kamatari asked.

Yumi spun, and it landed on Jason. “Normally I would say only Shishio-sama could kiss me, but…”

Jason spun, but he wasn’t really paying attention when it landed on Teika. He kissed her immediately and went back to grinning like an idiot.

Teika spun, and it landed on Aoshi. “Oh yeah!” she cheered, and jumped on Aoshi. Saitou and Sano restrained Misao until it was Aoshi’s turn.

Aoshi spun, and it landed on Rachael. Misao looked about ready to explode. “You just sit right there, Aoshi-sama!” Rachael ordered.

By the end of it, poor Aoshi was about as swirly-eyed as Kenshin after one of Kaoru’s hissy fits.

“Speaking of Himura-san,” Soujiro said, “where’d they go?”

“Do you really need to know that?” Kori replied significantly, looking at the closet where Soujiro had been kept. The door was closed again.

“Well, Narrator-san would be kind of angry if her guests just wandered all over the place.”

There was much forehead slapping.

“I thought you had finished corrupting him,” Angel-chan said to Narrator.

Narrator shrugged. “I guess Kanashimi knocked it out of him.”

“Does that mean I get to knock it back in again?” Kanashimi asked.

“Ummm…oh, look, it’s Saitou’s turn.”

SAGE and Kanashimi watched as the bottle spun round and round and round, finally stopping on…

“Oh, thank Kami-sama,” Saitou gasped.

“Like hell you’re kissing her!” Sano yelled.

“Ewwwww…” Megumi groaned, glaring at Saitou.

“Damn,” SAGE and Kanashimi muttered.

“Think we should add a striptease penalty?” Kanashimi asked.

“Ack, no!” screamed the other guests. Poor Tsubame curled up on the floor and had to be taken to another room to lie down and get the nasty mental images out of her head.

(Saitou…stripping…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)

Itai…

(Saitou…stripping…mmmmm….)

(Kanashimi, for the love of decency, stop putting those mental images in my head!)

(It’s not as bad as, oh say, Shishio…)

(AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!)

Are you ladies done yet?

(Yes…)

‘~*~’

“Well, except for Bob’s little transportation mishap, permanently tramautizing Tsubame-chan, addicting Suzume and Ayame to Pixie sticks, Soujiro flinging candles at the guests, and Saitou starting that food fight, I’d say it was a pretty good party,” Narrator said to Kanashimi after the last guests had bid their farewells, thanking Narrator for the fun they had had.

“So you didn’t mind getting beaned with a water balloon?”

“Nope.”

“Or getting kissed by Hiko?”

“Naaaahh…he’s pretty hot for an old guy.”

“Not as hot as Sean Connery.”

“Oh Lord, of course not.”

“You’re drooling.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Uh-huh. Here’s a napkin anyways. So you didn’t mind missing out on Kenshin and Kaoru’s face-sucking?”

“No, I…wait a minute…they kissed?”
“Uh-huh.”
“When?!”
“When you were unconscious.”

“WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME UP!!!!”

“Narrator…erk…can’t breathe…”

Narrator reluctantly took her hands from around her sister’s throat, reflecting that their okaa-san might be a tad angry if Kanashimi were to have permanent dain bramage. “So…so…was it cute?” Narrator asked, sniffling a little.

Kanashimi rolled her eyes. “Yes, it was, you would have freaked out, blah blah blah. You know, I should be depressed now.”

“Why?”

“I had to say good bye to Pookie, of course.”

“Heck, you can see him again. Just write a fic.”

“Oh yeah.”

“I’ll loan you Bob. He’ll be more than happy to help you.”

“Thanks.”

The two authoresses exited the party room, the lights dimming behind them. Several moments later, the door to the closet creaked open and a familiar (now tousled) red head peered out to examine the vacant floor.

“Oro?”

‘~* OWARI *~’