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Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!: Chapter 10 - Layest Thou the Smackdown and Finale!

by The Narrator

Sano vs. Anji:

Kenshin: Even if you aren’t smart, you can find a way to win if you think about it de gozaru yo!

Sano: *twitch* Jeez, each and every one of them…!

Kenshin: In swordsmanship, a man with two weapons can’t necessarily win against a single sword. You still have a chance of winning de gozaru yo!

Yumi: Chotto, Himura-san…aren’t you being a little optimistic?

Saitou: You can’t’ say it’s like one sword going up against two. This is more like pistol going up against a tank!

Kenshin: (-_-x) Look, sessha’s just trying to psyche him up, okay? It helps if he actually believes he has a chance of winning de gozaru.

Yumi: So, you think he’s really stupid enough to believe something like that?

Kenshin: ...no comment de gozaru.

Sano: I can hear you, you know!

Director: Cut! There are enough degrading remarks about Sano’s intelligence in the script, people. Stick with those!

Sano: Grrrrrr…

Saitou vs. Usui: Gamepoint!

Saitou: You were expecting words of pity, maybe?

Usui: *pinned to the wall with Saitou’s katana, and yet still able to talk…>_O) You’ve got to be kidding…to hold onto one’s beliefs without ever being bothered by the smallest doubt; it seems easy, but what a difficult thing it really is! Now how long can you, in these modern days of the Meiji, how long can you live by the sword and hold true to your “Aku, Soku, Zan”? *dies…finally*

Saitou: Until I die, of course. Now, be a pal and toss down my katana.

Usui: I’m supposed to be dead, idiot.

Saitou: Well, I figure you owe me for that stupid long-winded death monologue and all the other speeches. For the love of Kami-sama, you talked more than Battousai!

Kenshin: *offstage* Oh, shut up!

Usui: What part of “dead” don’t you get, Saitou?! I’m deceased, I have passed on, bereft of life, I rest in peace. I have shuffled off this mortal coil and gone to join the Choir Invisible. If you hadn’t impaled me to the wall, I’d be pushing up the daisies! I am an EX-swordsman!

Saitou:…so you’re not going to throw me my katana?

Usui: Argh!

Director: Cut! Saitou, he’s dead! You’re supposed to get your own katana!

Saitou: How the hell am I supposed to do that? Run around looking for a bloody ladder?! That offends my dignity as a Wolf of Mibu!

Kaoru: *offstage* Eeeeeego…

Kanashimi: You couldn’t resist, could you?

Narrator: Nope. Long live Monty Python!

Cherry: You gotta admit, he talked an awful lot for a dead guy.

Kenshin vs. Aoshi:

Aoshi beats Kenshin down with his Kodachi Nitoryuu Onmyou Hasshi

Sano: *thinking* H-He’s strong!

Kenshin: *on the ground, looking bloody and unconscious*

Aoshi: *trench coat falls off and suit opens enough to show off his scarred chest*

Kenshin + Sano: *cough cough* Fan-service! *cough cough!*

Aoshi: *blush* It wasn’t my idea…

Misao: *off-stage* Whoo-hoo, oh yeah, Aoshi-sama! That’s my sexy Okashira!

Aoshi: *positively red*

Director: Cut! Okay, we need to get some fangirl support anyway, so that stays in.

We’ll just edit it a little…

Misao: I still say Aoshi-sama could have just lost his shirt entirely… (^.~)

[This outtake was dedicated to all Aoshi fangirls. Salute!]

Kaoru vs. Kamatari:

Kamatari’s huge chain-scythe-thingy has just been broken…

Kamatari: Helping Shishio-sama win is everything to Kamatari. I cannot back down! *starts using the broken haft to spin the chain-thingy*

Kaoru: *readies for the attack*

Kamatari: Honjo-style great chain scythe attack, Benten Mawashi!! *flings the spinning chain at Kaoru*

Kaoru: *ducks to avoid; the wind pressure from the chain rips her gi…and something else…* Eeeep! *crosses arms over chest*

Juppongatana Henchmen: Whoa… *several faint from nosebleeds*

Aoshi: *offstage* Now that’s fan-service!

Misao: What?! Aoshi-sama no hentai!! Tobi-kunai!

Aoshi: (O.O) Yike! *avoids the kunai, only to be beaned in the head by Kamatari’s scythe haft*

Kamatari: Cad! I will not allow my fellow women to be so horribly treated!

Aoshi: @_@

Director: Umm, Kamatari-san?

Kamatari: Yes?
Director: *sigh* Never mind.

Kaoru: A little help here, please?!

Kenshin vs. Soujiro:

Kenshin attacks with the Kuzu Ryuu Sen

Sano: He did it!

Soujiro: No, we’re just getting started! *appears behind Kenshin*

Kenshin: *oh shit!*

Soujiro: *slashes Kenshin with inhuman speed* Hm, not bad…

“Soujiro no Tenken was here! *~.^*” is slashed into Kenshin’s back in precise kanji

Kenshin: Ow!

RK Cast: *blink blink*

Yahiko: *offstage* Thaaaat’s kinda disturbing…

Soujiro: If ya got super-god-like speed, use it! *winks*

Director: Cut! Soujiro, no more slicing graffiti into your co-stars!

Soujiro: Oh, okay… *pouts*

Kenshin: Can someone get sessha a Band-aid de gozaru ka?

Kenshin (and everyone else) vs. Shishio:

Kenshin comes back from the brink of death…

Kenshin: UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*leaves snap from his ken-ki*

Sano: *snaps awake*

Saitou: *ditto*

Kenshin: *still screaming*

Sano: What do ya know…Kenshin turned Super-Saiyan!

Everyone else on set: *stare*

Sano: What? What did I say?

Kenshin: For uttering the name of that anime…

Aoshi: …you must suffer the consequences…

Shishio: …damn straight!

Saitou: Aku, Soku, Zan!

As one, they all thwap Sano with the sheathes of their respective swords

Sano: Ow! Hey, I can’t help it if that’s what it looks like!

Yumi: Actually, it was more fan-service than anything…ohohohoho!

Shishio: Yumi!

Yumi: Huh?

Director: Cut!

Scene at the end of the Kyoto Arc, where the Kenshin-gumi return home (the real finale folks!):

Kaoru: Kenshin, do you remember? *looks out over the stream*

Kenshin: Kaoru-dono?
Kaoru: This is where you said goodbye to me that night. Before you left for Kyoto. *flashback begins to play…* I was…

Tae: *comes running up* Kaoru-chan, there’s no time for that! I’m so sorry, but Kenji was playing hide-and-seek with the girls and he climbed on top of the dojo and now he can’t get down! The poor thing’s crying!

Kaoru: *Protective-Mother mode* Kenji! What the hell are you standing around for, Kenshin! We must save him! *hauls Kenshin off-stage with god-like speed*

Kenshin: Oro!

Megumi, Sano, Yahiko, + Everyone else: O.o

Sano: That was a bit of glitch in the time-space continuum, now wasn’t it?

Yahiko: Oh, nice call, Mr. Spock! *thwaps Sano with his shinai* This isn’t Star Trek, baka!

Sano: Argh, will you people stop doing that already?!

Megumi: But it’s so much fun! *tweaks Sano’s nose*

Sano: Heeeeeey!!

Director: I give up…

Narrator: Whew, kore wa “owari” desu yo! Yokatta!

Kanashimi: Slacker.

Narrator: Oh, shut up…

RK Extra: Top Ten List Finale!

Sano: Thank Kami-sama. Although, I got more than my fair share of torture, I think…

Narrator: I’m sorry, Kenshin! But I had to be fair!

Kenshin: Maa maa, Narrator-dono, sessha is not worried de gozaru.

Kanashimi: Oh, but you will be little man… *snaps whip* You will be…

Cherry: You can start screaming now if you want to. *evil smirk*

Kenshin: Oro.

Top Ten ways to Torture the Main Character:

1. “Accidentally” pour ink into the laundry tub.

2. Run around screaming, “Oh no, killer dust bunnies have kidnapped Kaoru!”

3. Wiffle bat. (*~.^*)

4. Steal his gold contacts so his “Battousai mode” is rendered useless.

5. Convince Kaoru that it would be an excellent idea to cook a gourmet dinner for his birthday.

6. Cornrow his hair while he’s asleep.

7. Dye his clothes a really girly color…oh, wait…

(Kanashimi: Can anyone think of a girly-er color than pink?

Kenshin: (-_-x) It’s magenta de gozaru, how many times does sessha have to say it?!)

8. Ask him which skin care products he prefers: Mary Kay or Almay?

9. Use his sakabatou for a piñata stick.

10. Duct-tape him to a chair and force him to listen to Sobakasu over and over and over and over and over…in English.

Kenshin: (O.Ox) Nooooooooooooooooo! *curls up into a little ball*

Narrator: *twitch* Dub…must destroy dub…

Kanashimi: And I was just getting started.

Cherry: Stupid “10” limitation.

RK Extra, Take 2!: The Burning Question, Answered!

Narrator: And so that brings us to the very last RK Extra. In the previous episode, Kanashimi, Cherry and I undertook a mission to answer the question that has plagued drooling fangirls for years: “Boxers or briefs?”

Kanashimi: Actually, I think it was just your hentai fixation…

Cherry: All that aside, we got lots of help from you reviewers…

Kanashimi: ...I still want to know who tattled to Tokio…

Narrator: *sweatdrop* …and the mission was a success. So without further ado, the bishonen of Rurouni Kenshin will answer the question!

Narrator snaps her fingers and Aoshi, Hiko and Kamatari join the already assembled bishies.

Narrator: We had lots of votes for thongs, which wasn’t too surprising…

RK Guys: *shudder*

Narrator: …but we’ll leave it for the bishies themselves to tell. All right guys, you know the drill: spill or we spill for ya!

Kamatari: Ohohoho, well, I can’t say I’m not mad at you for that “Top Ten List” of yours *glares at Narrator* but I cannot disappoint my fans! I do prefer that freedom of wearing a kimono…

RK Guys: O_o

RK Girls: What freedom?!

Kamatari: …but you just have to accessorize, which is why I was so upset when my poor scythe got broken. *sniffles* But anyway, unsightly lingerie is an absolute no-no! That’s why I prefer Victoria’s Secrets’ 2002 Angels collection. Ohohohoho! But I’m afraid I can’t give away any more of my beauty secrets.

Narrator: Thank you for enlightening us, Kamatari-san! Okay, Hiko-san, you’re up.

Hiko: Boxers.

Kenshin: Oro, shishou has no shame de gozaru yo!

Kanashimi: Good for him! You go, Hiko!

Hiko: You are far too young for me.

Kanashimi: Eh?

Cherry: Nice to know his ego’s healthy…

Narrator: Erm, anyway…next is the Oniwabanshu no Okashira, Shinomori Aoshi.

Aoshi: …

Kanashimi: What we have here is an uncooperative bishy. Cherry?

Cherry: Well, Aoshi-san was a bit of a problem, being a ninja and all, but luckily, we had some help from Ruby Kitsune and VenusDeOmnipotent…

Aoshi: Kowai…*looks around anxiously*

Narrator: …who oh-so-graciously kept Mr. Ice Cube occupied while our inside agent procured the info! And so, Misao…

Aoshi: What?!

Misao: Gomen, Aoshi-sama, but they had a good cause! Aoshi-sama, why didn’t you ever tell me that you liked Speedos?

Aoshi: *turns bright red*

Other RK Bishies: *snicker*

Kanashimi: Well, according to JML, they’re actually called “fundonshi,” but the Speedo might explain Aoshi’s…ahem…charming personality.

Narrator: And now we go on to Sano…

Sano: Well, that’s not going to do you any good, ‘cuz I don’t wear any! *crosses arms and looks smugly at Narrator*

Saitou: Ahou.

Sano: What?! All I said was that they could never find out “boxers or briefs” because…oh…

Cherry: *pats him on the head* That’s my boy.

Narrator: As for Soujiro, we got lots of votes for him wearing briefs, and although tesuka-chan suggested a flashy neon green thong…

RK Bishies: *look at Soujiro*

Soujiro: ^_^

Kanashimi: …it seems that the majority was in the right! You know, I had no idea that they still made Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear…

Soujiro: I can find a pair for you, Kanashimi-san.

Kanashimi: Thanks, but I’ll stick with…

Narrator: Anyway, that brings us to Kenshin.

Kenshin: *blush* Ano, sessha…

Cherry: I can’t believe how may fans said “commando,” but once again, we got some insider info…

Kaoru: Black silk boxers that I got him for his birthday.

Kenshin: Oro! K-K-Kaoru!

Kaoru: *blush* They would have found out anyway, Kenshin, so I just told them so they’d leave you alone. And besides, they’re nice boxers, neh?

Kenshin: Ano…

Kaoru: If you didn’t like them, why didn’t you just say so!?!

Kenshin: (O.Ox) Oro, sessha likes them very much, they were one of the best birthday presents ever de gozaru yo, it’s just that…!

Sano: Kenshin, shut up and run.

Kaoru: *severely PO’ed* KENSHIN NO BAKAAAAAAA!!

Kenshin: Hai! *runs away like the power of Hell is after him…relatively speaking*

Kanashimi: *as Kaoru chases her dear husband around Narrator’s Authorspace* It’d be a lot more fun for Kaoru if Kenshin hadn’t come pre-whipped.

Cherry: Tell it, girl.

Narrator: Getting back to the point…our little skit has run its course with one question unanswered.

Everyone: *look at Saitou*

Saitou: Don’t even think about it.

Kanashimi: Too late, Pookie! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

Saitou: Oh, crap… *runs*

Kanashimi: Oh, I do so love to play “Catch”! *runs after him*

Narrator: *looks at watch* Oh no, we’re out of time! Looks like Saitou will have to remain a fantasy in the minds of fangirls. I’ve come to the end of my outtakes, so you reviewers know what that means…

Cherry: Party time!!

Narrator: Yup. Here’s the official invitation: