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Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!: Chapter 9 - The Meaning of Life, Etc.

by The Narrator

Scene where Kenshin is attempting to find a new sakabatou:

Kenshin: *points to the knives* Would it be all right for me to test one of them?

Wife of Arai Shakku (did she have a name?): Please do.

Iori: De gozaru!

Kenshin: *picks up a knife* Well then… *reaches into his gi and pulls out…a fluffy white bunny*

Misao: Huh?

Okina: What the…?

Kenshin: Oro, that’s not it! *puts the rabbit down and takes out a…stuffed owl*

Everyone else: o_O

Kenshin: Nope. *tosses owl aside and takes out…an Inuyasha manga* That’s not it either…let me see… *pulls out…a bottle opener* I was wondering where that went…nope… *…a Trigun bobblehead* …nope… *…a red umbrella* ...not it...where did I put that thing de gozaru ka? *finally pulls out the daikon radish* Ah, there we go!

Misao: Himura, how the hell did you carry all that stuff in your gi?

Kenshin: (^_^x) Sore wa himitsu de gozaru! (translation: That is a secret!)

Suddenly a purple-haired bishonen phases onto the scene.

Xelloss: How many times do I have to tell you people to stop stealing my catch phrase?! Knock it off already! *thwacks Kenshin on the head with his staff and phases out in a huff*

Director: That’s a disturbingly bad precedent. Cut!

Kanashimi: Okay, that was totally OOC for Xelloss.

Narrator: There was a karaoke contest last night and I got everyone in the place to sing “Happy Boys and Happy Girls.”

Cherry: Oooo, bishonen torture via “Aqua.” You’re down-right sadistic sometimes, Narrator.

Narrator: ^_^

Kenshin vs. Chou:

Chou: If you had shown me that face before, I might have taken you seriously!

Kenshin: *deathglare*

A huge killer robot disguised as a giant panda crashes out of the woods behind Chou, rolls across the shrine courtyard, and disappears into the woods behind Kenshin.

Kenshin + Chou: O_O

An orange-haired young woman wearing an outfit with ridiculously large shoulder pads comes tearing up the shrine steps and screeches to a halt.

Excel: Did you two happen to see a huge killer robot disguised as a giant panda pass by here?

Kenshin: *points in the general direction of the robot* He went that way de gozaru.

Excel: Thank you, low-life-but-very-polite-human-who-has-unwittingly-aided-in-his-own-immenent-demise! *poses dramatically* For the glory of Illpolazzo-sama, I, Excel Excel, shall now run off in pursuit of the robot and thus fulfill the last part of our ultimate secret plan that will conquer F-prefecture! The secret shall not fail, because everyone is too stupid to know about it! Come on, Hatchan!

A very beautiful but sickly woman with raven hair manages to pull herself up the last step of the shrine.

Hyatt: Coming…sempai… *cough, cough, hack, hack, wheeze!* Oh, I’m a little dizzy…! *falls down in a flat-lining coma*

RK Cast: O.O

Excel: Honestly, Hatchan, this is no time to be taking a rest! We must carry out our glorious leader Illpolazzo-sama’s plan! *drags Hyatt’s body off the set*

Director: *twitch*

Kanashimi: What did I tell you about watching “Excel Saga” under the influence?

Narrator: Oops.

(This outtake is dedicated to C.M. Forde, our friend and the instigator of Narrator’s obsession with LSD-induced bouts of insanity. Love ya lots, and ganbatte!)

Scene introducing the Juppon-gatana:

Kamatari: Oh, Soujiro-kun, it’s been so long since I saw you last!

Soujiro: Konnichi-wa, Kamatari-san.

Kamatari: It’s been a while, too, Yumi-san…

Yumi: N-Nice to see you…

Kamatari: *going SD* This time we’ll really see who will win Shishio-sama’s heart!

Yumi: *ditto* You’re right. I don’t want to lose against a man like you! *mutters* Stick swinging queer!

Kamatari: That’s what you think, honey! I’ll have you know I got Nuriko to give me some of his beauty tips and his recipe for Chinese Love Potion!

Yumi: What?! Nobody said the drag queens were going to be ganging up on me! It’s just not fair!

Kamatari: All’s fair in love and war, chica!

Nuriko: *offstage* Tell it, girlfriend!

Kamatari: *~.^*

The doors to the studio burst open and in storms a bishonen with the Chinese character for “ogre” etched onto his forehead.

Tamahome: Dammit, Nuriko, where the hell have you been?! Miaka’s been spazzing out worrying over you, and everyone has been looking for you everywhere! Quests just don’t fulfill themselves, you know! Now get your prissed-up rear in gear and let’s go! *turns on his heel and begins stomping back to the exit*

Nuriko: *mimics Tamahome in a high-pitched girly voice* “Quests just don’t fulfill themselves, you know!” Nyah! *rolls his eyes dramatically and follows Tamahome* Ganbarre, Kamatari-chan!

Kamatari: You too!

Director: Two prima-donna transvestites? I can’t take it anymore!

Narrator: Two against one really isn’t fair.

Kanashimi: But then you take into account Yumi’s *ahem!* feminine endowments, and the playing field is pretty much leveled.

Sano: You said it! *drool*

Cherry: *smacks him on the head* Jerk!

Scene where Sano and Kenshin are walking back to Aoiya after blowing up Shishio’s ship (^.^):

Sano: But you know, even though we’re all fighting together, you and Saitou don’t mix, like oil and water.

Kenshin: Actually, Sano, I heard that you were in the care of the police. You reconciled with Saitou de gozaru ka?

Sano: *twitch* What?! *throws Kenshin through a nearby wall* Whoopsie…

Kenshin: X_Xx

Director: Augh, cut! Medic, we need a medic in here, stat!

A pretty, cherry-haired young woman in a pastel pink nurse’s uniform runs onto the set, pushing a gurney

Nurse Joy: *pulls Kenshin out of the rubble* Oh dear, this Pokémon is badly hurt! We need to get him to Violet City Gym’s Emergency Room as soon as possible!

Chansey: Chansey!

Sano: Ano, miss? He’s not a Pokémon; he’s actually a person.

Kenshin: *coming around* Oroooo… @_@x

Nurse Joy: Don’t be silly! What kind of human makes a sound like that?!

Sano: You gotta point…

Hiko: That’s our medical staff?! Who’s security, the Keystone Cops?

Director: For your information, because of all the grievous bodily injuries this show consistently produces…*glares at the assembled cast* …our insurance company selected what it considered to be the most compatible service. And that’s what we got!

Kanashimi: *pops up out of no where* And we’re security, Mr. Drunken Master!

Cherry: *ditto* Got that right! *brandishes spork*

RK cast: o_O

Saitou: Figures.

Narrator: I actually had to do some research to find the name of Nurse Joy’s Pokémon. *shudder* I definitely do not own Pokémon!

RK Extra!: Yet Another Top 10 List Wherein Narrator Subjects a Bishonen to Various Hideous Tortures No Sane, Decent Mind Would Venture to Concoct

Kanashimi: That title is too long.

Narrator: I believe in truth in advertising.

Sano: Kami-sama save me…

Saitou: *snicker*

Top Ten Ways to Torture a Tori-atama:

1. Convince Captain Sagara to divulge all those embarrassing stories about Sano when he was a kid. Don’t let the tape recorder be too obvious.

2. Steal the hair gel he uses and replace it with wood glue.

3. Convince Megumi to knock him out so Kamatari can do a makeover experiment.

4. Hold his teddy bear, “Big Bag,” hostage and demand 1,000 bottles of saké for ransom.

5. Dye his hair red so he can be a real “Rooster Head.”

6. Steal his red headband thingy and replace it with a sparkly tiara.

7. Steal the wood glue you gave him and replace it with rubber cement. If he still uses it, resign in disgust.

8. Bet him that he can’t make it through life without ever gambling again. When he takes you up on it, collect your money.

9. Give his home address to Cherry.

10. Slip a Saitou x Sano doujinshi in amongst his Playboy mag collection.

Narrator + Cherry: >.<

Sano: O_O

Kanashimi: *^.^*

Saitou: -_-

Soujiro: ?_? I don’t get it.

Kanashimi: I’d be happy to explain…

Cherry: Don’t you dare! Why won’t you two stop abusing/corrupting my psychotic fluffykins?!

Narrator: But it’s so much fun…

RK Extra, Take 2!: The Burning Question

Sano: What, torturing me wasn’t enough?! You have to do another one?!

Narrator: Well, I wanted to do something interactive for a change, and besides, it’s been bothering me for some time.

Kanashimi: It’s 42, how many times do I have to say it?!

Cherry: I don’t get it.

Kanashimi: (-_-) You and Soujiro were made for each other. *picks up a random copy of Douglas Adams’ “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and chucks it at Cherry* Here, educate yourself.

Cherry: Okay! *^_^*

Saitou: So what is this “burning question” of yours, Narrator. I want to get this stupidity over with.

Narrator: Well, alright. So, Saitou: “boxers or briefs”?

Saitou: Excuse me?

Narrator: It’s not that hard of a question, silly. “Boxers or briefs”? Inquiring minds want to know…well, slavering fangirls want to know.

Kanashimi: *indignant* If you have the audacity to ask about Pookie’s underwear…why didn’t you tell me before? I could have found out for you.

Saitou: o_O *quietly starts looking for an exit*

Narrator: Not just Saitou, honey-child, I’m thinking all the RK bishonen.

Cherry: I think Narrator just passed you on the hentai scale, Kanashimi. But I have to admit…*looks at Sano and Soujiro*…it’s intriguing…

Sano + Soujiro: *eep!*

Narrator: Yosh, so it’s decided! We three authoresses will answer the question that plagues the most hardcore fangirl! “Boxers or briefs”! And we need your help reviewers! Submit your opinions, hypotheses,…

Kanashimi: (~.^)… insider information…

Narrator: …to assist us in this grand undertaking! No bishonen is safe, no proposition too bold!

Cherry: Mission…accepted.

Soujiro: We’re doomed, aren’t we?

Saitou: For once, your perceptiveness decides to kick in…

Sano: *frantically digging an escape tunnel with a spoon*