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Ni To Iu Hitokiri: Chapter 8 - Dingo

by wombat ::: 27.Aug.2003

[Kenshin is stumbling through the rainy night, searching for redemption. Suddenly, it appears to him, floating just above a small building off the street. He staggers to the gate and pounds on it.]

"Open the door! Open the door! In the name of the Emperor, open the-oro!"

[The door opens. He splats onto his face at the feet of a young woman.]

"Welcome, good sir samurai. Welcome to the dojo of Cholera Kasshin."

"Cholera?"

[embarrassed] "It's not a very nice name, is it? -Oh, but *we* are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need!"

"Are you the guardian of a redemptively nonfatal style of swordsmanship?"

"A what?"

"A way I can still kick ass without cutting it in half. Like the sakabatou I just saw over your dojo. Is it here?"

"Oh, but you are tired and must rest. Let me show you to your room. What is your name?"

"Er..."

"A man of mystery! Well, my name is Kaoru, and I see I will have to call you 'Samurai X'."

"Please don't. My name is Himura Kenshin. Kaoru-dono-"

[leaning very very closely] "Kaoru. Just Kaoru. Oh, but do come along."

"Look, please! I need the sakabatou!"

"Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious!"

"Please, I simply need to get the sakabatou, and-"

"Himura-san, you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality, would you?" [Defeated, he follows her down the hall as she continues.] "I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are just a group of innocent, nubile young women, living in this dojo with no one to protect us. It is a lonely life: dressing, undressing, finding new knots for obi... we are just not used to handsome swordsmen. Come, lie down here. Oh, but you are wounded!"

"No, it's nothing-"

"You must see the doctor immediately! I will send her in at once!"

[startled] "You're a doctor?!"

"I do have comprehensive medical experience. Lie back and relax while I examine you. (Ohohohoho!)"

"No really, it's been healed over for a long time already, and-er, the scar is on my face, so what are you doing with my hakama?"

"Lie still, I said. Now turn your head and cough-"

"-Oro! This cannot be! I am sworn to self-recriminating misery! I have seen the sakabatou above this dojo, and you must take me to it immediately!"

"But there's no sakabatou here."

"Torment me no longer! The sakabatou is here, I know it!" [He tears loose from Megumi and bursts into the next room, which turns out to be a particularly exciting doujinshi. Yumi winks at him from a hot tub. After some struggle, he flees back into the hallway and straight into his hostess again as the other girls follow him.]

"Sir samurai?"

"Kaoru-dono, I-"

"Have we met?"

"Yes! You let me into this dojo, and-"

"Oh dear, Tomoe must have been using her little brother's life-size doll of me again. But-did you say 'sakabatou'?"

"Yes- I saw it shining above the roof of the dojo!"

"No-oh, no! Bad, naughty Tomoe! First the doll, and now she has been playing with the giant glow-in-the-dark sakabatou as well, when she knows we must save such things for special occasions! She has been a very bad girl, and she must be punished. And here at the Cholera Kasshin dojo, we have only one punishment. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!"

"A spanking! A spanking!"

"You must spank her well, and after that, you may deal with her as you like. And then, you must spank me."

"And me!" "And me!" "And me!"

"Yes, we are completely at your mercy. Here, take my obi!" [Without the obi, the rest of her clothing falls off.]

"Er. Perhaps I could stay for a little while..."

"Excellent! And after the spanking, the-"

[Saitou bursts in through the gate.] "Himura, quick!"

"Oh, hello."

"You are in great peril!"

"No he isn't."

"You know, she's got a point."

"Silence, foul temptress! I can see through your disguises-you are not women, but animals!"

"I'll say. Look, I'm fine-"

"No, literally! Can you not see? We are surrounded by forest creatures in kimono: a lost cat, a tanuki-girl, a fox-woman, and that one looks like a weasel!"

"Hey!"

"Now come on! I will cover your escape!"

"No! I can take them on single-handed!"

"Yes, let him take us on single-handed!"

[Saitou drags him out anyway.] "You could at least look grateful. I saved you from grave peril."

"No you didn't."

"Yes. You were in great, terrible peril."

"Well, I think that according to the code of bushido, it's my duty to sample as much peril as I can."

"No. We have to go stop Shishio."

"Let me go back and have just a little bit of peril?"

"No, it's far too perilous."

"I bet you're yaoi."

"No I'm not."

[Sano hurtles out of a random shrubbery to give Saitou payback for a previous installment. Freed to confront his own personal perils again, Kenshin dashes back to the dojo to meet them head-on. He beats them easily.]