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The Hitokiri Stainmaster: Chapter 4 - A Great Scythe

by Angrybee ::: 02.Dec.2003

Waking up, the first thought on Misao's mind was: "Stupid pigeon." The second thought, however, was of her Aoshi-sama. He and the other Oniwabanshuu had left so long ago, leaving her alone. They had left to become Cleaners.

No, not the laundry sort of cleaners. The deadly sort of Cleaners. The type of Cleaners who get hired by scrawny little men who want to knock off their enemies. The sort of Cleaners that you call when you need something gruesome done.

Of course, they also knew how to get blood out of carpets.

Aoshi-sama and the other Oniwabanshuu knew everything, Misao was convinced. Except, perhaps, how much she missed them.

Sighing, and sitting down in the basket of the hot air-balloon, Misao rummaged around in her bags for a small book. "Aha! Here it is," Misao exclaimed, pulling the book out and setting it on her lap. She'd never let Aoshi-sama know she had such a book. He'd be so embarrassed. Frankly, she'd be embarrassed for him to know.

Opening it up to her bookmark, Misao began to read. "Ninjas For Dummies. Chapter 26. Flying Your Black Market Hot Air Balloon."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Currently, back at the Laundrymat, Soujiro was having the Yumi puppet sing, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts". Every time the chorus came around, the puppet would "look" at Kaoru's chest and shake its head in disappointment.

The rest of the Kenshingumi, however, were preparing their various implements. Cleaning supplies. Scrubby brushes. Feather dusters. Giant toothbrush. Washboards. Clothespins. And something that Kenshin pulled out of his gi which looked remarkably like a bottle of Pooh Bear bath bubbles.

"I'll go first," Kaoru said, hefting her rainbow-colored duster over her shoulder. "Because I'm a lady, and ladies always go first."

"That'll be good," Saitou replied as Kenshin clamped his hand over Yahiko's mouth, "At least for a little while, we won't have to listen to you moan 'Kenshin' over and over."

Sanosuke, on the other hand, was quietly stroking the bristles of his giant toothbrush and murmuring sweet nothings to it. "Don't you worry, Sugarplums. Me and you. Me and you, babe. No one can beat Sagara and his Sugarplums. No one."

Yahiko blinked, "You call it 'Sugarplums'? What kind of name is that? My duster is named..."

"No one cares, Yahiko-chan. No one cares."

Yahiko looked around, but could not discern who had said this derogatory statement about his beloved, "Lightning And Fear Feathers". But, if he ever found out, they would pay. Oh yes, they would pay. In blood. Or, perhaps, loofahs.

Soujiro did a jig and switched to Irish drinking songs.

"He calls it Sugarplums because he is substituting his toothbrush for a woman. How disgusting."

"Shut UP, Saitou. At least I've seen a woman undressed."

"I'll have you know, I'm married, ahou."

"TO A WOMAN???"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Actually, yes, I would. Does she have eyeballs?"

"Yes."

"She's one of the slow kids, isn't she?"

"No."

"It must have been a dare, then."

Saitou was remarkably silent as he lit another cigarette.

"It was a DARE! Your wife married you on a DARE? That's -priceless-." Sanosuke grinned like...well...like Soujiro on laughing gas.

"Can't you keep your mind on the task at hand, ahou?" Saitou asked, pulling out his scrubby brush and checking it for evil. Loose bristles -were- evil, in Saitou's opinion. Sanosuke, instinctually, took a step backwards. The Scrubbygumi. They cleaned everything during the Woolite Era. The toughest stains. Grime and grease. Nothing was beyond them. They even, Sanosuke had heard, knew how to get grass stains out of silk.

"We're ready, that we are," Kenshin said to Soujiro.

"Wonderful."

Soujiro stepped back and unlocked the massive wooden doors.

Inside, in a small courtyard, stood an interesting sight.

No, a terrifying and frightening sight.

Kenshin covered Yahiko's eyes.

Kaoru covered Kenshin's eyes.

Sanosuke covered Kaoru's eyes.

And Saitou dropped his cigarette.

"Hiiiii!! My name's Kamatari! What's yours?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Somewhere near Tokyo, Makimachi Misao was having a hissy fit. She'd thrown overboard not only her instruction book, but her tea set, a stowaway Jiya, five pounds of "Ninja Lube" (of which Misao wasn't certain the purpose, but was pretty certain belonged to Jiya), a marmoset, Rhode Island, a holiday gift basket of shuriken, the Ten Commandments, a time-traveling DeLorean, some guy named Yukishiro Enishi who kept babbling about his sister, and a partridge in a pear tree.

"I should have kept the pear tree. I'm a bit hungry," Misao sighed. She'd been all through that book. There was absolutely -no- way to get down.

Aoshi-sama would be -so- disappointed. What kind of ninja can't even control a hot air balloon?

Misao leaned against the side of the hot air balloon, looking down into the city of Tokyo sadly.

Maybe she'd end up somewhere in China.

Just then, Misao heard the most obnoxious, piercing noise ever.

"SCREE!" "SCREEEE!" "SCREESCREESCREE!"

Misao looked up towards the horizon. She squinted. "What in the hell?"

Misao Makimachi was on a collision course with a flock of flying monkeys.

Our adept and formidable ninja pulled the first thing she could think of from her "Ninja Utility Belt(tm)": the newly formulated "Wombat Repellant".

How was she to know that Wombat Repellant only makes Flying Monkeys angry?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Kamatari-san," Kenshin said, slowly prying Kaoru's hand from his eyes, "Sessha would like to inform you that you are nearly naked, that you are."

"Wow," Soujiro said, "But, he's wearing more than he usually does."

The general exclamation arose of: "WHAT??"

"This," Soujiro said with a flourish of the Yumi puppet, "Is Kamatari Honjo, master of the grand scythe."

Kaoru peeked over Sanosuke's hand. "I don't see a scythe."

"Oh, honey," Kamatari cooed, "I did some tucking. Can't let my big bits dangle during such an important showdown, ne?"

"Uh...."

As the Kenshingumi (and Saitou) filed into the courtyard, they all stood agape at the most interesting sight. Kamatari Honjo, lean and curvy, stood with his hands on his nearly naked hips. He wore only a pair of black panties (with cute lace fringe, of course), a well-stuffed black corset, and some black thigh-high leather boots.

"That man has less hair on his body than Tokio," Saitou mumbled, mildly dumbfounded.

"Ew, Saitou. Just -ew-," Kaoru replied.

Kamatari struck a pose, and whipped around, pointing to two baskets laying in the courtyard. "So. This is our combat. One basket apiece of lingerie. The first one to have them cleaned and dried wins. The loser has to stay behind and clean that mountain of the Juppon Gatana's underwear over there."

Kaoru stepped forward. "Agreed. The Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, the style that cleans gently, is up to any task."

"Phew. I'm glad -I- didn't agree to go first," Yahiko mumbled.

Kamatari and Kaoru squared off, each taking one basket of lingerie. The battle started slow, with each soaking their delicates in a mild detergent.

"Remember Kaoru-dono, you can't wring that lingerie! It might tear!" Kenshin said, cheering from the sidelines.

Kaoru nodded as a bead of sweat formed on her temple. Lingerie was hard work, and especially delicate. One wrong move and something might tear.

"Ha!" Kaoru exclaimed, jumping up, "I have you now. I shall use the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu's press technique to dry these underthings!" Kaoru began to take the various dainties and press them between her hands to squeeze out the water.

Kamitari just chuckled. "You think so, do you? Well, Kamatari of the great scythe is not so easily defeated. And when I do defeat you, Shishio-sama will finally allow me to wash his boxers!" Kamitari reached behind his back and produced a long rope.

"Where was he keeping that, Sano?" Yahiko asked.

"You don't want to know, kid. You just don't want to know."

With a wide grin, Kamitari slid several pieces of the lingerie onto the rope. "This ancient technique will dry lingerie faster than ANYTHING!" As the clothesline began to spin wildly in the air above Kamatari's head, Kaoru gasped.

Her lingerie would never dry in time.

"Oh no!"

"Looks bad for the tanuki," Saitou grumbled.

Kaoru pressed harder and faster than she had ever pressed before, but there was no way...there was just -no- way.

Just then, a piercing noise split the air.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A giant cloud of dust appeared where the crossdresser had been standing. When it cleared, everyone in the courtyard was surprised to find...a young woman in a strange outfit sitting on top of the prone form of Kamatari.

"Damn flying monkeys!" Misao exclaimed, hopping up to dust herself off. Scratching her head, Misao looked around the courtyard, finally discovering what had broken her fall. "Aha! It appears I have landed on a crossdresser." That Misao was a clever one. "For your diligence in this matter, Freako-chan, the Oniwabanshuu thanks you!"

Kaoru, stumped, looked from Kamatari, to the Kenshingumi, and back to Misao. "Who are you?"

Misao opened her mouth, but then she remembered the first rule of being a ninja: Don't tell anyone you're a ninja. So, after a moment, Misao replied, "I'm a Cleaner! Yup! Head of the Oniwabanshuu Cleaners of Kyoto. And I am here....to fight EVIL!"

"That's -wonderful-," Kaoru replied, "We're all cleaners, too. And we're on a mission to defeat a bad guy named Shishio who is harassing the residents of Tokyo. Maybe you could help us!"

"Of course I can," Misao replied, putting her hands on her hips, "I'm -powerful-."

As introductions went all around, Soujiro stepped over to the non-moving form of Kamatari and poked him in the head with the Yumi-puppet.

"Kamatari-san? Kamatari-san? All of the lingerie on your clothesline is laying in the dirt. You might want to pick it up."

Kamatari groaned.

"Leave me alone, Soujiro," the crossdresser replied, "My scythe is broken."