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The Hitokiri Stainmaster: Chapter 5 - Wicked Tacos

by Angrybee ::: 23.Dec.2003

A man sits, reclining luxuriously, on a pile of pillows, smoking his pipe. He is bandaged from head to toe, wrapped in gauze which obscures his skin to the world. Across the bridge of his nose, he wears a Kermit the Frog Band-Aid. Kermit understands. Kermit knows. It's not easy being Kermit. It's not easy being green.

Nor is it easy being Shishio. No, it is definitely not easy...being blue.

"Houji!"

"Yes, your grand cerulean-ness?"

Shishio Makoto scowled slightly. 'Note to self, boil Houji in oil. Baby oil. Or maybe olive oil. What sort of oil is best for boiling annoying lackeys?'

"Houji, I want you to do some research for me. Find out the average temperatures at which various oils boil."

"Right away, your Most Magnificent Cyan-itude. Anything else which you wish me to accomplish?"

Shishio stroked his bandaged chin in thought. "Yes, please fulfill your duty as an Agent of This Story's Exposition, and let us know what is going on."

"Of course. The Stainmaster and his friends have no entered the Laundrymat. Apparently, they defeated Kamatari through the clever use of ninjas and gravity. They are now being led, by Soujiro, towards Henya's Room."

Shishio nodded as his arm wrapped possessively around Yumi's waist. "You are dismissed, Houji."

"Thank you, sir."

"Oh, and Houji?"

"Yes, oh sky-colored Czar of Cleaning?"

"I demand tacos. Chicken tacos. But -no- sour cream."

"Yes sir, right away sir."

As Houji skittered away, Yumi's green lips left smooch marks all over Shishio's shoulder bandages. Shishio exhaled thick rings of smoke and grinned wickedly at his beloved. "My life, Yumi, is like a taco which bursts at the seams with evil. All of these others are mere lettuce to be picked off and cast aside. But, you, you are my cheese."

"Oh Shishio-sama," Yumi replied, swooning mildly. "I am honored to be the cheese on your taco of evil."

"And now, my thick-hipped cheddar, my rotund wheel of gouda, I have a job for you, as well."

Yumi's lips pursed in concentrated worry. "No more flying monkeys, I hope?"

"No, no. The Stainmaster's progress is....disturbing. I have a plan which will surely hinder his progress. Fill one of the rooms with poppies. Yes, -poppies-. Poppies will put them to sleep. Sleeeeep. Then we can sneak in and steak all of their cleaning equipment."

"I'll...uh...see what I can do," Yumi murmured, prying herself away from the clutches of the Legendary Sanitizer-Sans-Sanity, "But, I don't think poppies are in season, my beloved."

"Ah, then, my dearest. you shall just have to improvise. Such a brilliant plan, why didn't I think of it before?"

Yumi chuckled as she headed towards the door. Tossing Shishio one last look over her shoulder, she replied, "Because you were too busy thinking of ways to kill Houji?"

"You know me too well, my delicate parmesan. Far too well, indeed."

'Note to self,' Shishio appended as Yumi disappeared into the hallway, 'May need to eventually boil Yumi in oil.'

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In a campsite, somewhere on the outskirts of Tokyo, Shinomori Aoshi attempted, once again, to dye his favorite trenchcoat. And, once again, he failed. This caused the lanky and enigmatic former leader of the Oniwabanshuu to shake his fist at the sky and exclaim:

"Damn you, Stainmaster! I shall have my day. I shall find you, and when I do, I shall pluck the Dye of the Strongest from your ridiculous pink gi, and avenge the deaths of my comrades..."

(It is time for Audience Participation. Because, who would those Comrades be but...)

'Hyottoko....Beshimi....Shikijou...Hannya....'

Aoshi shook his fist at the sky several more times, just for good measure.

And, being that he was looking up, Aoshi realized that a very large object was streaming through the atmosphere, on a collision course with the ninja's very angst-ridden face.

Aoshi deftly took one step to the left, for he was not an oblivious crossdresser with a penchant for dominatrix outfits, and narrowly avoided being beaned on the head with Yukishiro Tomoe's psychotic little brother.

"Neeeeeeeesan," the white-haired man moaned, rolling around on the ground in intense pain, "Neeeeeeesan, I have a boo-boo. Come kiss-it-better."

Aoshi peered at the man, refusing even to dignify the situation with an upturned eyebrow, "Who, exactly, are you?"

As Enishi stood up and dusted himself off, his eyes grew wide. "Neesan, is that really -you-? After all these years, you have come back to me!"

"I am not your sister." Aoshi felt something clomp on to his dangerously sexy ninja-legs. "Are you....are you humping my leg?"

"NEEEESAN, I am so happy to -see- you," Enishi cried. "I can't believe I found you, -here-. Here, of all places. After accidentally falling asleep on the hot-air balloon I sold to that retarded half-wit, and then being pushed -out- of that same balloon and falling...falling... Falling into the woods, only to find -you- here. Oh, it must be Fate. Don't you think it is Fate, Tomoe?"

"Please stop talking. You're giving me a headache."

Enishi put his fingers to his lips, nodding in silence as his beloved "sister" extricated herself from his grasp. The giant smile on Enishi's face vanished as the annoyed ninja stared at him, trying to make sense of the situation.

"Oh, neesan, you still aren't smiling, are you? Are you still angry about what happened in Oshu?"

"I've never been to Oshu," Aoshi replied, trying to re-shake a clingy Enishi off of his arm. Man. What a bizarre incestuous freak. Of course, he, Shinomori Aoshi, had no time for sisters, or for romance. Oh no, he needed to avenge the deaths of his very best friends. You know...his very best friends who died not so long ago...

'John....Paul...George...and Ringo...'

Enishi stomped his foot impatiently. "Of course you have been to Oshu.. Remember? It was where you lived with the Hitokiri Stainmaster. Right before...right before...you know...the -accident-."

"The -Stainmaster?" Aoshi grabbed Enishi by his collar and shook him vigorously. "What do you know about the Hitokiri Stainmaster??"

It hadn't been long ago at all. No, it seemed almost like yesterday that the four Oniwabanshuu had been hired to protect the regal ladies of Edo castle. And they would have. Oh yes, they would have, if it hadn't been for that damned Stainmaster. The Stainmaster somehow used time-released bleach on their uniforms, causing the normally black-clad ninjas to become white-clad ninjas.

And once they could easily be seen, the infamous Koopa Troops of the Choshuu region were able to avoid the Oniwabanshuu and abduct the Shogun's daughter.

Damn them. Damn them!!! His favorite black trenchcoat, now forever whitened by that sinister bleach, served as a reminder of that fateful day. But, thanks to a tip given to the Oniwabanshuu by a man named "Luigi", they were able to find out where the Shogun's daughter was being held.

But, how were they to know it was an elaborate trap, involving a maze-ridden castle filled with man-eating plants, vicious rabid ducks, pipes that led to secret rooms, strange bricks with question marks on them, and bombs that walked around? HOW WERE THEY TO KNOW? Except, you know, for that ominous music that seemed to follow them around everywhere.

Their worst mistake was when they split up. Only later did Aoshi find the beaten bodies of his friends. He held Hannya in his arms as the man breathed his last, his final whispered words echoing in Aoshi's ears...

"I'm sorry, Aoshi....but...the princess...is in another castle."

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Back in the real world, Enishi slapped Shinomori Aoshi out of his flashback. "Neesan. I'm sorry, but you were screaming, and nothing else worked."

"Tell me, tell me what you know of the Hitokiri Stainmaster. Tell me -now-, you crazed sister-humper, you incestual irritant, you familial fornicator..."

"Well, last thing I heard, he was in Tokyo, looking to settle a score with Shishio Makoto. Say, are you going to go settle your score, too, neesan?"

Aoshi said nothing to this. He merely pushed Enishi down into the dirt, turned on his heel, and started down the road towards Tokyo. Yes. The Hitokiri Stainmaster. Soon. Very soon Aoshi would have not only his revenge, but the dye which would fix his trenchcoat. The Strongest Dye in all of Japan.

'Do not worry, my friends. I will redeem us. I have thrown everything away for this moment. For...you...my friends...

'Larry....Curly....Moe....and Shemp...'

Back at Aoshi's camp, Yukishiro Enishi adjusted his tiny sunglasses and plopped down in front of the fire. The white-haired man pulled a skewer out of the fire, only to find that Shinomori had abandoned his dinner of Tacos-On-A-Stick. With a shrug, Enishi bit into a taco (savoring the delicious evilness of said taco) with a chuckle as he looked down the path Shinomori had taken.

"Damn. That was -way- too easy. Well, I hope you have fun dealing with the angsty ninja, Stainmaster. So long Aoshi, and thanks for all the fish tacos."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Back at the Laundrymat, Soujiro and the Yumi puppet were leading the Kenshingumi...and Saitou...and Misao....down the hall. Suddenly, black-clad foot soldiers ran in from -nowhere- an erected several "Work in Progress" and "Detour" signs.

"Detour? What is the meaning of this, Soujiro?" Sano asked.

The ever-cheerful TenClean leaned his ear down to the Yumi puppet's "mouth" and listened close to...well...to nothing, since puppets can't really talk.

"Yumi says that we have to go on a bit of a detour because Fuji-san had to visit the 'Little Giants Room'. Now the whole Eastern Wing is unfit for human occupation. Unless, of course, any of you might have brought along your biohazard suits?"

Since no one -had-, the entire contingent consented to take the detour.

Very quickly, they came to a door labeled, "More Blatant Wizard of Oz References".

But, thankfully, everyone was too interested in the fact that Soujiro had the Yumi puppet singing "I Feel Pretty" to care.

(Elsewhere in the Laundrymat, Yumi returned to Shishio's side. "I'm so sorry, Shishio-sama, I couldn't find any poppies. So, instead, I used -puppies-. I hope that is alright.")

Kenshin, Yahiko, Kaoru, Sano, Misao, Saitou and Soujiro entered the room, only to find, as Soujiro closed the door behind them, that puppies of every size, color and breed started plopping down into the room from chutes hidden in the walls. Puppy after puppy appeared in the large room, each with giant cute round puppy eyes, and waggy-little puppy tails, and OH MY GOD, were they ever cute. Sinisterly cute. Devilishly cute. And so soft, and pettable, and you just want to pick them up and squeeze them and play with them and....

Kaoru and Misao were the first to fall to the puppies' evil charms.

"Oh, look, Kenshin. Puppies!" Kaoru picked one up and began to snuggle with it.

Kenshin fell third, as he lifted a poor three-legged puppy up and looked at the creature.

"Oro?" The ex-Stainmaster commented.

"Oorrrooo?" The puppy replied.

"ORO?" Kenshin asked again, in surprise.

"Oroooooooooo," the puppy cooed, nuzzling against Kenshin's hand, looking to be petted.

"Good Lord," Sano said, "They speak the same language." Next to be defeated by the wicked puppies was the hearty Sanosuke, who bent down to observe a puppy more closely.

The puppy sniffed Sano.

Sano sniffed the puppy.

"Kami-sama!" Sanosuke declared, pulling the puppy to his face. "This one smells like tacos! Delicious...delicious...tacos...."

Sano fell into a drooling heap on the floor.

Saitou snarled. "You ahou." The Wolf of Shampoo picked up the offending taco-smelling creature and looked deep into its' eyes, trying to discern the level of Evil which might be wielded by such a beast. The puppy looked back into Saitou's eyes.

Those eyes...

So...soft...and round...and brown...just like...just like...Okita's.

And so, the fifth, and last, to be defeated by the horrifically cute puppies was Saitou Hajime, who stood transfixed, and babbling incoherently, to what he believed to be the reincarnation of his friend from the Scrubbygumi days.

"What the hell is going -on- here?" Yahiko yelled, thrashing about wildly as he kicked puppies out of the way. "Guys? Hello? Anyone? We've got EVIL to clean? Remember?"

Even Soujiro seemed to be stunned, as he played Yumi-puppet-tug-of-war with one of the puppies.

"ARGH! This is -awful-," Yahiko declared. He had to think. How could you get rid of a horde of puppies? And quick!? Aha! There was -one- way....but, would it work?

Yahiko positioned himself in the middle of the room, cleared his throat, and screamed, "BATH TIME!"

The puppies scattered, disappearing almost as quickly as they arrived. With the wicked cuteness now gone, our heroes returned to their senses.

"Lets....uh...just not talk about that, alright?" Sano murmured.

"Yeah, sessha thinks that would be best, that it would," Kenshin replied.

As everyone headed for the door, Saitou lit a cigarette and adjusted his police shirt. A lumpy object inside his shirt let out a tiny cough.

"Sssh, Okita. Stay quiet, or I can't rescue you."

Saitou caught up with the rest of the TenClean's Terrible Tour Group, just as they approached the next room.

The formidable door was labeled: "Henya's Habenero Hut and Hideout."