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Defying Gravity: Three

by dementedchris

Don’t believe everything you hear, Kenshin.

Or see.

Today was Akira’s last day here. Tomorrow, his family is leaving for Osaka, where he will have to finish his final year of high school. Did you find me cheap when I asked to spend these last few days with my oldest friend? Did you find me sullied now that you’ve seen me in his arms, for what possibly could be the very last time?

I caught sight of you from across the room. Once again, your eyes refused to meet mine. In some measure, I was pleased. Maybe if I saw myself reflected in your eyes, I would not like what I would find there. But how long will you keep this up? How long will you insist on ignoring me? I turned to my open textbook, pretending that your rejection didn’t hurt me.

The bell rang, and you were the first one out of the classroom. You didn’t even hear me speak your name.

"Don’t even think about it," a rough voice told me as I attempted to follow you. I turned to see your best friend Sagara Sanosuke standing there, his arms crossed over his chest.

He meant well, I realized. He thought he was doing this for you. But I was careful not to let any emotion show. I knew too well that people got hurt when emotions were allowed free reign. So I kept mine in check, regarding him with one raised eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"You’re a cruel woman, Yukishiro Tomoe," he accused me. "Don’t play games with him. Either you love him or you don’t."

I was not the goddess people claimed I was.

Sometimes, I bled too.

I bled then. Sagara’s words hurt me. They hurt me because they presumed to know what I felt about you. They took every complex desire, every measured doubt, and boxed it into a merciless choice: one or the other. But I had to keep up appearances. That was what people expected goddesses to do. So I summoned my pride and walked away from him. "I don’t believe that’s any of your business," I replied, as coolly as I could.

My feet took me to Kaoru-san’s classroom, where I knew you would be. I had often wondered what she meant to you yet I chose to keep silent about it, assuring myself that she was just a friend. As I watched her join you, I knew the ritual that was about to follow. You will bring her home. You will bid her goodbye. Then you will walk away.

But if I wait for you on that lonely path home, will you let me speak?

Will you listen then?

Will you take me back?

***

Perhaps I was foolish when I turned to you for comfort. If I had known it would come to this, it might have been wiser to stay away. But I had been so mad at Akira that time, so blinded by jealousy to think clearly. I couldn’t believe that he chose to spend more time at kendo than with me. I thought it was just an excuse, that there was another girl involved. Too late, I found out that he did it because he wanted to prove he was worthy of me, another one who believed I was worth more than who I really was.

In the confusion that followed, I found you.

At first I told myself that being with you was only temporary, a ploy to get back at Akira. After all, you were his largest rival. You were, in essence, the one who took him away from me; Akira was so obsessed with beating you that he could not find enough time for our relationship. He thought that as long as you were the best one in the whole prefecture, he didn’t deserve to be with me. All I really wanted then was for him to realize that that no one - not me, and especially not you - was perfect. I wanted him to see me without my masks, and still find me beautiful. Once that happened, I vowed I would let you go.

Those were the foolish things our ‘love’ put us through. I wish Akira and I had known better.

I knew who you were even before you approached me, the day after Akira and I broke up. In the years that we had been classmates, I had already felt your intense stare following me everywhere - down empty corridors, through busy rush-hour streets, and into my dreams. I could not escape you.

You wanted me. I needed you. Back then, I thought that was one and the same.

I thought that it would be easy to play you against Akira. But you were so different from him that suddenly I found myself on unfamiliar territory. I felt as if you saw me for who I was, for my faults, for my imperfections. Akira never did. For the first time, I was with someone I couldn’t quite read. You claimed you loved me yet you held yourself back. You worshipped me with your stare but your touch left me longing for more. You did not ask for more than I could give.

I thought that I could do it, go back to Akira and love him with the same intensity our brief week together had. I thought that you could easily set me free. In the space of that week, suddenly, I was the one who could not let you go.

***

"Tomoe?"

Your voice was harsher than I remembered, rough and firm as it echoed into the cold night. I stepped away from the shadows. The words refused to come.

"What are you doing here? It’s getting late," you continued.

"I want to talk to you," I said, steeling myself for your response. There were still so many things about you that I never understood.

You stepped closer. Your eyes shone a soft amber hue, full of the fiery intensity it had after one of your kendo matches. "There is nothing to talk about. You’ve made your decision."

I felt my heart breaking. I had already lost Akira; I wasn’t about to lose you. I didn’t think I could stand saying goodbye to two people who meant most to me all in one day. But you were already walking past me. I reached out my hand and grabbed your arm.

"Please," I begged softly.

You looked at me with those golden eyes. You did not speak.

I took my chance. "There are so many things I want to tell you."

You closed your eyes. My hands traveled down your arm to cradle your fingers with mine. You did not pull away.