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Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!: Chapter 2 - Tokyo (Arc) Ain't What It Used to Be

by The Narrator

Opening scene on a foggy dawn street in 1878 Tokyo:

Kenshin: *walking, minding his own business*

Kaoru: Halt! Stop right there, Hitokiri Battousai!

Kenshin: *stops and turns around, looking clueless*

Kaoru: I have to admit, you’re weaker-looking than I thought you’d be.

Kenshin: Oro!

Kaoru: Surrender! *charges…and runs right into Kenshin* Oof!

Kenshin: *underneath Kaoru* You Tokyo people certainly have an interesting way of saying “good morning” de gozaru.

Kaoru: *on top of Kenshin* Kenshin no baka, you’re supposed to jump out of the way!

Kenshin: But you said surrender, so sessha did. Besides, sessha doesn’t mind how it turned out.

Kaoru: Well, neither do I, but still…

Director: Cut! And Himura, stop copping a feel!

Sano: *offstage* Yeah, that’s what the dressing rooms are for!

The bathtub scene. Because I like it.

Kenshin: *runs into the bathroom* Stop! Don’t be so hasty! Suicide’s not…!

There is no one in the room, just a tub full of steaming water.

Kenshin: Oro? Kaoru-dono? *walks toward the tub* Has anyone seen Kao-

Kaoru: *jumps up from the water in a smashing impression of “Jaws,” grabs Kenshin, and drags him back under the water*

Sano: *offstage, as water boils like a frenetic Jacuzzi* Let’s not imagine what’s going on in there.

Soujiro: *bloody nose* Too late…

Director: Cut! Augh, I’m surrounded by hormonal idiots!

Yumi: You say that like it’s a bad thing…

Scene where Kenshin saves Kaoru from Gohei, Thugs, and Co.

Kenshin: Stand back! I don’t want to have to hurt anyone!

Thug #1: Don’t worry, there’s only going to be one casualty!

Thug #2: And that’s yours!

Thugs bum rush Kenshin, who promptly whips out his…

Kaoru: Wiffle bat?

Kenshin: (O.Ox) Oro! *promptly gets plowed by five guys at least half again his size*

Thugs: Oops.

Kenshin: @_@x

Gohei: Yep, only one casualty. Heh heh heh…

Director: Cut! Okay, where the hell is Saitou?

Scene where Kenshin decides to stay with Kaoru (*^_^*)

Kenshin: I am a little tired of wandering. But, I’m not a very good cook.

Kaoru: You’re better then I am!

They start walking towards each other

Kenshin: And I might accidentally peek into the bath every once and a while.

Kaoru: That’s okay; if you do, I’ll just… *throws a vicious right hook at Kenshin’s face*

Kenshin: *ducks*

Kaoru: Mou! Kenshin, you’re supposed to let me hit you!

Kenshin: First you get mad at me for letting you hit me and now you’re mad at me for not letting you hit me! Why don’t you make up your mind and stop confusing poor sessha de gozaru ka?!

Kaoru: *eye twitch*

Kaoru’s fist: BAM!!

Kenshin: *flat out and swirly-eyed* Orooo…Kaoru-dono wa zankoku de gozaru na! (You’re cruel, Kaoru-dono!)

Kaoru: Stop acting like a twit, then!

Director: Cut! Ummm, keep that…we’ll just edit it…

Scene where Gohei’s trying to shoot Kenshin (the second time…you’d think the idiot would learn)

Gohei: There’s no way you can hit me from where you’re standing!

Kenshin: *yeah-right glare* Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu, Do Ryu Se-achoo!

The attack fires off and there is the sound of a very expensive camera shattering into millions of very tiny pieces

Kenshin: Oh, shit! I mean…oro!

Director: Cut! Himura! That’s coming out of your pay check!

Kenshin: (-_-x) Damn…

Saitou: And that’s why he shouldn’t be trusted with anything more lethal than a wiffle bat.

RK Valuable Life Lessons (Everything You Ever Need to Know)

1. Never underestimate someone just because they’re smaller than you.

Kanashimi: Fear the little people.

Narrator: Amen, sister!

2. Never insult a woman’s cooking if she has ready access to anything resembling a shillelagh.

3. Bad guys have no fashion sense.

4. If there’s a sword in him, and he’s smiling, it’s a little too late for therapy.

5. Smoking is cool, but only if you can also beat the crap out of anyone who glares at you in a restaurant.

Kanashimi: *sighs* Saitou-sama…

Narrator: *rolls eyes*

6. Only a very secure man can wear pink.

7. Act like an idiot, but kick ass.

8. Constantly chewing on things such as toothpicks, fish bones, hair, etc. is not orally unhygienic.

9. Laundry is therapeutic.

10. So is decking your boyfriend for being an idiot.

11. Social Darwinists are morons and should rot in hell…BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Kanashimi: I get the impression that this is somewhat personal…

Narrator: Lenin was a Social Darwinist.

Kanashimi: *blink, blink* You really hated your history professor this semester, didn’t you?

Narrator: *twitch*

12. People who smile all the time are either psychotic or on something…either way, approach with caution.

Narrator: *looks at Kanashimi*

Kanashimi: What?

13. Homicidal maniacs and insecure women should not be allowed to drink, unless you want to be on the clean up crew.

Kanashimi: *looks at Narrator*

Narrator: What? Hey, that was one time!

14. It’s not the size of the sword in the fight that matters, it’s how you use it.

Narrator: Try not to be hentai.

Kanashimi: I don’t have to; I’m sure your readers are all thinking the same thing.

Narrator: Not everyone is as depraved as you.

Kanashimi: Just keep telling yourself that…

15. If you’re cool enough, gravity does not apply to you.

16. If his eyes change colors, run.

17. It takes a real moron to kill his pookie just to win a fight.

18. Spontaneous human combustion is physically possible.

Narrator: Throw another Social Darwinist on the barby!

Kanashimi: Are you going to let go of that anytime soon?

Narrator: No.

Kanashimi: Didn’t think so.

19. Green lipstick only enhances desirability.

20. Trench coats are sexy.

21. If you love her, don’t tell her; there’s no such thing as too much sexual tension.

Kanashimi: On the other hand, there’s no such thing as too much…

Narrator: *swiftly claps a hand over her mouth* Hentai!

Kanashimi: Ooo ay aht ike hits a ah ding! (translation: You say that like it’s a bad thing!)

22. Machine guns are no match for an expertly-wielded sword.

23. People who know you really well will always bring up embarrassing stories at the most inopportune moments.

Kanashimi: Like that time when you were two and got drunk.

Narrator: I can’t help it if the guy left his wineglass where I could get it.

Kanashimi: And you go on and on about no under-age drinking. What a hypocrite!

Narrator: Bite me.

Kanashimi: Promise?

Narrator: *twitch*

24. Layest thou the smackdown first, and then thou mayest talk smack.

Kanashimi: I was always a fan of preemptive strikes, anyway.

Narrator: I think it’s a guy thing.

Kanashimi: What is?

Narrator: Talking smack before you actually kick someone’s butt.

Kanashimi: Mmm-hm!

25. When in doubt, “Oro!”