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Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!: Chapter 4 - Fire Extinguishers and Cement?

by The Narrator

Scene where Kenshin saves Megumi from Beshimi’s darts:

Beshimi: And these spiral darts will blast out your legs; it will double as punishment! *fires off darts*

Kenshin: *jumps in front of Megumi and smacks down on the tatami mat*

Tatami Mat Hitting Kenshin in the Face: Ker-WHACK!!

Kenshin: Oro!

Beshimi: *snort* Smooth move, girly man.

Kenshin: At least sessha stopped your darts, you shrike-voiced little twit!

Sano: “Shrike-voiced little twit”?

Kenshin: It’s what he is de gozaru yo!

RK Cast: Oooookaaaay…

Director: Cut!

Scene from above, take two:

Beshimi: And these spiral darts will blast out your legs; it will double as punishment! *fires off darts*

Kenshin: *jumps in front of Megumi and smacks down on the tatami mat*

Tatami Mat: *hops up about two inches*

Darts: *hit Kenshin in the shoulders…really hard*

Kenshin: Owie! @_@x

Megumi: Oh my God, Ken-san, are you all right?!

Sano: Do something, Fox Lady!

Megumi: Maybe if you did something useful, like get the First Aid kit, Rooster Head!

Kaoru: *bokken out, advances on Beshimi with murderous intent*

Beshimi: Holy crap, chill Kaoru! They’re just rubber-tipped darts!

Kaoru: *definitely not listening* My name is Kamiya Kaoru. You injured my pookie. Prepare to die.

Beshimi: O.O *run awaaaaaay!!*

Director: *bemusedly watching Beshimi being chased by a homicidal Kaoru* Hm? Oh, right, cut!

Kanashimi: Oh, great; now you’re corrupting ‘Princess Bride.’

Narrator: *not listening* Heh heh, Wesley…*drools*

Kanashimi: *sigh* *thwacks Narrator with the shillelagh*

Narrator: Itai!

Scene where Sano starts the fight with Hyottoko:

Sano: *punches Hyottoko in the gut* Even if you are proud of your power, it’s useless if you can’t hit me!

Hyottoko: *laughs, grabs Sano and douses him with his fire breath*

Sano: AAAARRRRGH!

Yahiko: Sanosuke!

Sano: *escapes Hyottoko’s grasp* That was close, you loser.

Hyottoko: Um, maybe a little too close…

Sano: Huh?

Kenshin: Sano, don’t panic, but…

Kaoru: …your head’s on fire.

Sano: O_O *panics* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT PUTITOOOOOOUT!!!

Yahiko: *helpfully* Stop, drop, and roll!

Sano: *a leetle to busy panicking*

Megumi: Step aside and let a professional handle this! *sprays Sano with a fire extinguisher*

Sano: Aaaaaaahhhh, cold!

Megumi: Better than the alternative! How much hair gel do you use, anyway?

Sano: Ummm…

Director: Cut! And Sanosuke, you are down to on tub of gel a day until further notice!

Sano: NOOOOOOOOOooooooo! *curls up into a little ball*

Scene where Kenshin uses his sakabatou as a shield against Hyottoko’s fire breath:

Hyottoko: *as the fire finally runs out* Impossible! All of the oil?!

Kenshin: Now it is time for to stop playing with…Hey, ow! Wow, my sakabatou’s really hot!

Sano: Gee Kenshin, why do you think that is?

Yahiko: It could be because, oh, I dunno, you had in fire for what, the last minute and a half?

Kenshin: *sigh* Okay, yeah, that was…

Kaoru: I dunno Yahiko; what do you think, Megumi?

Megumi: Dang, Kaoru, why do always have to ask the hard questions?

Kenshin: Yeah, guys, I got it…

Sano: Ooo, ooo, I know! It was the friction with the air!

Hyottoko: I do not believe that conjecture would be supported by the accepted laws of aerodynamics. Perhaps…

Kenshin: *gone Battousai* GUYS!! Yeesh, okay, I got it! That was kind of dumb thing to say…

Sano: I don’t know about dumb…

Megumi: Really obvious maybe…

Kenshin: -_-x

Director: Cut!

Scene where Hannya reports to Aoshi about Kenshin:

Aoshi: All right, find out who that swordsman is. Inform me as soon as you do.

Hannya: Yes, immediately. *starts doing his spiffy phase-out thing, only…*

Wires: Snap!

Hannya: Ah, crap… *falls to the ground, head first* Itai! @_@

Aoshi: *runs to the window* Hannya! Man, you okay?

Yahiko: *offstage* He just fell on his head from a two-story window. I think he might be having a little bit of trouble.

Saitou: Looks like Battousai has a challenger for the title of “Captain Obvious.” Yare, yare.

Kenshin + Aoshi: Shut up, asshole!

Director: Cut! Medic!

Scene where the Kenshin-gumi face Kanryu’s gun squad (Kanashimi thwacks Narrator for the bad pun):

Kenshin: *runs right through them*

Squad Captain: He didn’t even flinch, he ran faster! Now, fire!

Sano: Jump, Yahiko!

Yahiko: *jumps*

Sano: *catches him* Go do some good! *winds up to chuck Yahiko at the gun squad, only…*

Sano trips and both fall on their faces.

Yahiko: Itai! What did you do that for, ya big oaf!

Sano: You’re friggin’ heavy! What’d you eat for breakfast, cement?!

Yahiko: Oh yeah, blame your weaknesses on the little kid, jerk!

Sano: Bowling-ball butt!

Yahiko: Why you…!

Director: Cut! Both of you, time-out, now!

Sano + Yahiko: Awww…

Scene where Aoshi locks Megumi in the observatory:

Aoshi: What awaits you is not rescue, but death from Kanryu’s tortures. *tosses Megumi’s dagger down at her feet* Here is your dagger. Living in pain, or dying in peace. You choose.

Megumi: I…

Aoshi: Huh?

Megumi: I choose you…PIKACHU! *throws a poke ball and a glorified yellow rat launches itself at Aoshi*

Pikachu (aka Glorified Yellow Rat): CCHHUUUUUUU!

Aoshi: o_O

Kanashimi: *phases into existence right in front of him, shillelagh in hand* My cousin’d kill me if I let this happen! *thwacks Pikachu into the stratosphere*

Pikachu: PIIIIIIKAAAAAAAaaaaaa…!

Kanashimi: Now if you’ll excuse me, I must have some choice words with my onee-sama… *phases out*

Megumi + Aoshi: *blink, blink*

Director: Um, cut?

Narrator: *running away from Kanashimi* Aw, come on, that was funny!

Kanashimi: I’ll give you funny!

Narrator: I don’t own “Pokemon”! Ahahahahahaha!

Kanashimi: *sweatdrop*

Kenshin vs. Hannya:

Hannya: For our pride, Battousai, I will make sure to defeat you! *whips out metal claws*

Yahiko: Metal claws?!

Sano: Dang, he’s a Wolverine-wannabe!

Kenshin: *sweatdrop* Sano…

Kaoru: Of course, Hugh Jackman’s ever so much hotter.

Kenshin: Kaoru-dono?!

Kaoru: What?

Hannya: Hellooo, can we get back to me now?

Yahiko: Mystique was cooler than Wolverine though.

RK Guys: Yeah… *drool*

Director: Cut! Stop it before the Marvel Comics people sic their lawyers on us!

Kanashimi: Will you knock it off already!?

Narrator: Tell me you didn’t see Hannya’s claws and think Wolverine.

Kanashimi: Okay, okay…just so we don’t get sued, we don’t own X-Men!

Narrator: Too bad…

Scene where everyone is trying to run away from Kanryu’s Gatling gun:

Kenshin: *sprints away, Yahiko in tow…and not too thrilled about it*

Kanryu: *firing, laughing like a maniac* Isn’t it amazing! It can fire 200 bullets a minute!

Sano: *running all out, Kaoru tucked under his arm* That bastard! He’s… *trips*

Sano + Kaoru Hitting the Floor: *BAM!* ITAI!!

Sano: Damn Jou-chan, what’d you eat for breakf…

Kaoru: Say one more word, Rooster Head, and die.

Sano: Gulp!

Hannya: It really wouldn’t be smart to say anything…

Yahiko: …especially considering how vulnerable he is in that position.

RK Guys: *wince*

Director: Cut! Um, Kaoru, I think he’s got the point.

RK Extra: You Can Never Have Too Many Top 10 Lists!

Kanahsimi: Translation: Narrator’s in a rut.

Narrator: Oh shut up.

Top Ten Ways to Have Fun With Aoshi (provided Misao is not in the general vicinity to maim you):

1. Ask him why everyone seems to have a bigger sword than him. (*~.^*)

2. Say, “I can’t give you the flower ‘Strongest’ but I do have some really pretty daffodils.”

3. Dissolve caffeine pills in his tea. Have a video camera and a mop handy.

4. Sing “We are The Champions” (by Queen) over and over during his fight scenes.

5. Always address him as “Commander-Too-Sexy-In-A-Suit”

6. Ask him how many times he’s seen “The Matrix” and if he’s a little confused as to Neo’s outfits.

7. Hand him some Prozac and say, “Trust me honey-child, you’ll feel a lot better in the morning.”

8. Screw up his order at Starbucks and blame it on his inability to give clear and direct orders.

9. Ramble on and on about how awesome and kick-ass Battousai is; 5 extra points if you can get his eye to twitch.

10. Put that video you have of him singing “I’m too sexy for my trench coat!” up for auction on eBay. Which the Narrator also does not own.

Kanashimi: You have reached rock bottom and started to dig.

Narrator: Meanie. Go chase Saitou or something.

Kanashimi: Caught him.

Narrator: Huh?

Kanashimi: *whistles* Come on Pookie, come on! *claps her hands*

Saitou: *appears in The Narrator’s Authorspace in a poof of black smoke* Nani?!

Kanashimi: Good boy! I love being omnipotent.

Saitou: WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE!?!

Kanashimi: That’s for me to know and you to find out. *glomp!*

Saitou: HEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPP! *runs, Kanashimi still attached to him*

Narrator: *shudder* That’s just disturbing…

Salute!