See author's intro.
Narrator here. I have been remiss in not thanking you all personally for your wonderful reviews, so I will now take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt appreciation for your enthusiasm and admiration that have given me the inspiration to continue on in this endeavor.

Kanashimi: You guys feed her ego. She likes that. She wants you to keep doing it.

Narrator: *pointedly ignores her imouto-chan* To Ibrium Iridum (keep up the excellent work in “Dancing Plums and Eighth Grade Literature”; unfortunately, I must now forcibly recapture Kenshin…*reaches into a plot hole and yanks Kenshin out of Ibrium’s closet*

Kenshin: *slightly ruffled from confinement* Ano, Narrator-dono, don’t you think Imbri-dono will be mad at you de gozaru ka?

Narrator: Nah, I’m trading you for Aoshi and one of Kanashimi’s Bishonen Subjugator Collars.

Aoshi: …)

Thank you also to PSYCHO monkee, Kenta,  Cat H, (don’t worry you two, I plan to run with the “Top Ten Lists” for now; Soujiro, Hiko, and yes, even Kenshin, are scheduled to be victims…er…subjects…

Kenshin, Hiko + Soujiro: -_-)

CM Forde-chan (If you dare to cut Kenshin’s hair again, I will torture you with my rendition of “Sobakasu”!), Yamikitsune, Jenna, VenusDeOmnipotent, Meow the chibi-neko (Hey, I didn’t say Kaoru saw “Jaws,” I only said it was reminiscent of a certain aquatic terror that…

Kanashimi: *shoves Narrator away from Bob’s keyboard* Sesshy-poo’s address?!?!? Gimme, gimme, gimme! I want to play with his tail!

Narrator: *face mashed into the carpet* Hut ahhoooww Aii-oh? (Translation: What about Saitou?)

Kanashimi: Oh, he understands me, don’t you, Pookie?

Saitou: *currently attempting to break free of the duct tape strapping him to an armchair* Yes, unfortunately.

Kanashimi: *^.^* See, what did I tell you?

Narrator: *manages to push Kanashimi off of Bob* Fine, whatever.)

Neko Hi, tesuka-chan, Jason M. Lee, (you might want to refrain from remarks on feminine condition, unless you are certain Kaoru is not standing right behind you!), megafan505, yooso, Moley, YK, Cherry-chan (I am so glad that you are enjoying the outtakes; do not worry, your pookie remains yours…), and Istoria (Yeah, I want a bumper sticker like that now, too!)!!!

I love you all, so I’m going to keep going with this at 120%! The fans must have their laughs, or I will have no purpose! And having no purpose is bad, unless your purpose is to make children cry or pull kittens’ tails, which is just mean, and so you should just stop and all mean people should not be given cookies because cookies are good, especially chocolate chip, although I also like sugar cookies…!!!!!

Kanashimi: *twitch*

Kanashimi’s shillelagh hitting Narrator smartly on the head: KER-WHAMM!!!

Narrator: Ooooo, lookit the pretty stars! @_@

Kanashimi: You are hereby banned from consuming anything with sugar or watching “Excel Saga” under the influence of caffeine.

Narrator: *sniff!* Oh, all right…

 

Disclaimer: *chibi-Kanashimi leads Saitou out on a leash* Well, he doesn’t really belong to me, just like RK or Excel Saga don’t belong to my onee-sama, but we both want to have our fun before giving them back. Hopefully, you’ll have fun, too!

Saitou: Shoot me.
None.
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Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!: Chapter 5 - Things NOT to Say Under Pressure


by The Narrator


Scene where Tsubame has just repaired Yahiko’s sandal:

Tsubame: *hands Yahiko his sandal* Good luck with your kenjutsu training! *exits*

Yahiko: *looking after her with a “duh” face* Oh, crap! I forgot to ask her for her phone number!

Tsubame: *from offstage* It’s 555-3271!

Yahiko: Call ya later, sweet cakes!

Tsubame: *blush*

Rest of RK Cast: o-o

Director: Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT!!! You! *points at Kenshin and Kaoru* This is all your fault! Stop corrupting the children, already!

Kenshin + Kaoru: Who, us?

 

Scene where Kaoru goes to save Yahiko from being beaten up:

Kaoru: Yahiko!

Kenshin: Wait! *grabs her ponytail*

Kaoru: *falls flat on her back* Itai!

Sano: *kicks Kenshin square in the head* Jeez, Kenshin, be a little bit more careful, will ya?!

Kenshin: Orororo!! S-sorry Kaoru-dono!

Kaoru: Not as sorry as you’re gonna be…

Kenshin: O_Ox Eep! *run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!*

Kaoru: Kenshin, get your butt back here before I get really ticked! *scary growl*

Director: Aaaah…cut?

 

Scene where Raijuta “saves” Yutaro:

Yutaro: *watching Raijuta slashing through his kidnappers* He’s strong! His moves are so fast; this is how my father must have fought! His moves are so fast, like lightning! Like lightning…but, damn, his eyebrows are friggin’ scary!!

Raijuta: *freezes mid-kill*

Kenshin: *arriving on the scene* He has a point de gozaru…

Sano: I agree…

Yahiko: Yeah, have you looked in a mirror recently, or did you not notice the seaweed growing out of your forehead?

Raijuta: *twitch*

Kaoru: Here, I have a pair of tweezers you can borrow… *starts rummaging in her purse*

Kenshin: Ah, Kaoru-dono, I don’t think that will be much help de gozaru…

Kaoru: How about this then? *pulls out a home waxing kit*

Raijuta: O_O Wait just a freakin’ minute, lady! I didn’t ask to have eyebrows like this! Now, put that away!

Kaoru: Oh come on, it doesn’t hurt that much!

Raijuta: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! *and he’s gone*

Director: Cut! *sigh* Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Someone go find him…and not you, Kaoru!

Kaoru: Damn. I just wanted to help…*sniff*

 

The hot springs. Because The Narrator’s gotta do what The Narrator’s gotta do…

Kenshin: The Shinko Ryu?! *jumps out of the water…* Kaoru-dono! Yutaro-dono is involved in a dangerous situation de…go…*has realized he is naked at this point* zaru…

Kaoru: Honestly Kenshin, this is why Director-san yells at us! There’s time for that later!

Kenshin: Ah ha ha ha…heh heh… *blush*

Sano: *stands up too* Oi, Jou-chan! You’re supposed to be yelling at…him…*has just realized he is also naked*…now…

Megumi: Sano…sit!

Sano: Sorry, mistress! *drops like one-ton weight*

Megumi: *^_^* Good Tori-atama.

Director: *twitch*

 

Raijuta’s speech:

Raijuta: …blah blah blah blah blah blah…Under me, those who have polished their skills, pushed their killing swords to the limit, and purified their souls…The strongest, the Shinko Ryu, will create an independent nation!

…

…

…

Director: Ano, Kenshin? That’s your cue. Kenshin?

Kenshin: *curled up in a little ball, snoring cutely* Zzzzzz… *snot bubble* Zzzzzzz…

Raijuta: *twitch*

Director: KENSHIN, WAKE UP!!!!

Kenshin: *pop!* Oro? Oh right… *stands up* That’s stupid.

RK Cast + Crew: *anime fall down*

Director: *sigh* At least he knew his line, unlike most people. Cut!

 

Scene where Yutaro falls off the cliff:

Kenshin: Yutaro-dono!

Raijuta: Kill him!

Kenshin: *goes Battousai and proceeds to kick much butt*

Yutaro: *in the water, drowning*

Battousai: Yutaro! *jumps off the cliff* CANNON BALL DEPTH CHAAAAAARGE!!!!

Water: KA-BLOOSH!!

Saitou: *offstage* I didn’t know Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu had a water attack.

Hiko: It doesn’t. He’s just being an idiot again.

Saitou: But of course.

Battousai: *dragging Yutaro to the surface* I heard that!

Director: Cut! Battousai! You’re only supposed to be in the fight scene!

Battousai: Aaaaaaaawww…*pouts*

 

 

 

RK Extra: Bring in the Next Victim…er, Subject!

Kanashimi: Proof that Narrator, despite her goody-two-shoes exterior, is as much a hedonist as I am.

Narrator: Thhhhhhppppppbbbbbbtttt!!

 

Top Ten Ways to Torture a Tenken (not recommended, but still funny):

 

1. Switch all his coffee grounds to decaf.

2. Yell “Your shoe lace is untied!” in the middle of one of his battles.

3. Nail him with one of those projectile straight jackets Marvin the Martian is so fond of.

4. In the middle of a conversation, burst out with, “Wait a minute! Are you supposed to be a guy?!”

5. Talk…very…slowly…in…a…monotone…voice…

6. Slip sedatives into his tea. Have markers and a camera handy. Run very fast if he wakes up.

7. Ask him if his face cramps from smiling so much.

8. “Pants” him. Run very fast.

9. Steal all of his clothes, leaving him only with a T-shirt that says, “I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.”

10. Blackmail him with those pictures you took of him sleeping with his stuffed rabbit, “Bun-bun-chan.”

Kanashimi: And puerile humor hits a new low.

Narrator: Not necessarily.

Kanashimi: Oh, my mistake; pulling down a guy’s pants and then running away is the height of scintillating wit that the likes of Swift and Shakespeare could only hope to aspire to.

Narrator: No need to be sarcastic.

Kanashimi: Hm? I was going more for caustic.

Narrator: -_-

Soujiro: Narrator-san, you really wouldn’t try to do all that, would you? *scary grin*

Narrator: Oh, Sou-kun! Didn’t see you there, heh heh! Ermm… *aside to Kanashimi* Help!

Kanashimi: Hey, you got yourself into this mess, onee-sama; you get yourself out of it. Pookie and I have more important things to do.

Narrator: *as Soujiro begins pulling out his katana* Oh Muse of Comedy, help me!!!

*POOF!!* A red-headed vision clad in a black Sailor Moon-type fuku, armed with a Marine Corps saber suddenly appears in Narrator’s Authorspace in a flurry of violet rose petals and white smoke.

Cherry: In the name of Authoresses and Love, I will save you, Narrator-san!

Narrator + Soujiro: *sweatdrop*

Cherry: What? Bob said you needed help.

Narrator: Bob, if I live through this, you’re dead…

Cherry: Soujiroooooooooo! *starry eyes* I’m sorry my love, but I cannot let you slay Narrator until after the outtakes are finished!

Narrator: Hey, waitaminute…!

Soujiro: o_O

Cherry: *posing dramatically* Alas, my Psycho Fluffkins, it must be this way! *pulls out a…spork* Now, please submit…

Narrator: *anime fall-down* WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A SWORD IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO USE IT!!!!?!?

Cherry: Because a spork is a lot more fun, and besides… *sniff!* I wouldn’t want to hurt my dearest psychotic love-bunny, now would I?

Narrator: I’m gonna be sick…oh fine, just clean up whatever mess you make, okay?

Cherry: M’kay!

Soujiro: *think, think, think, think…* I should probably run away now…

Cherry: *glomp!* Oh, sweetie honey-pie, you wouldn’t want to do that!!!

Soujiro: Ack! Can’t…breathe…!

Cherry: *still glomping the life out of him* See you all next chapter!! *^.^*

 

Salute!
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