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Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!: Chapter 7 - For the Love of Insanity

by The Narrator

Scene where Saitou plots with that Imperialist politician (:P):

Politician: We shall start with a toast, Mr. Fujita. Or, shall I call you Mr. Saitou now?

Saitou: Call me whichever one you like. As for the alcohol, I’d rather not.

Politician: Oh, I find it unusual that you have no tolerance.

Saitou: No, it’s not that…I have a bad habit.

Politician: Habit?
Saitou: Yes. When I drink, I have an urge to slay people. So I’ve been holding back since the Meiji Era started. *takes a drink of tea*

Politician: That’s reassuring. And so, on to the real matter here…

Saitou: No, wait, wait, wait…the truth is, sake makes me really giddy and I laugh like a schoolgirl, *tee hee!* it’s rather embarrassing…

Politician: Um, okay…

Saitou: And then, and then…what was I saying? Hmm, the room’s spinning…

Saitou hitting the floor unconscious: WHUMP!!

Director: Cut! Okay, who put the sedatives in Saitou’s tea?

RK Cast: *look at each other and all slowly raise their hands*

Director: Kenshin, I know you were upset about that thing with the wiffle bat…

Kenshin: It wasn’t sessha’s idea de gozaru yo! Kanashimi-dono made us do it!

Kanashimi: *in the middle of dragging her comatose pookie off the set* I don’t like rat finks Kenshin…

Kenshin: O_Ox Eep! *hides behind Kaoru*

Kenshin vs. Saitou:

Kenshin: *getting close to Battousai-mode* Here goes.

Saitou: He’s gotten even faster!

Kenshin: *feints a strike at Saitou’s chest, dodges under Saitou’s sword, and tries to attack him from behind*

Saitou: *turns around just in time to kick Kenshin in the head and send him to the far end of the dojo* (*^.^*)

Kenshin: *crouches as hair falls out of the holder…we don’t know why, but we suspect fan service*

Saitou: What was that? That move far surpassed my expectations…

Kenshin: *breathing heavily*

Kaoru: His breathing! He’s using more strength than he really has, and his body just can’t keep up…

Kenshin: *looks up with golden eyes, aka, gone Battousai*

Kaoru: Whoo-hoo! *drool*

Battousai: Simmer down, honey, we’ll get to that…

Director: Cut! Honestly, can’t the two of you knock it off for one minute?

Kaoru: Was that a rhetorical question?

Director: -_- *sigh*

Scene from above, take two:

Kenshin: *goes into Battousai mode*

Kaoru: *shock!*

Battousai: *starts pacing toward Saitou*

Saitou: By fighting me, you turn back into Battousai. Then, I will attack with a true Gatotsu! No holding back!

Yahiko: He was holding back before?! (Yeek!)

Kaoru: That’s it! Both of you, stop this stupid fight right now! Kenshin, I’m not going to let you become Battousai, because that means you’re going to try to leave.

Battousai: Um, Kaoru…?

Kaoru: Sh! Now, are you going to stop this silly fight…*reaches to the collar of her kimono* (Insert sound effect of kimono being doffed, revealing…)

Battousai: Oro!

Saitou: *facefault*

Yahiko: Ack! Dammit busu, I’m gonna need therapy now!

Kaoru: *in her Tira Misu cosplay getup*…or do I have to make you stop? *cracks her whip*

Battousai: *trying very hard to think up an answer that won’t get his butt kicked* …yes?

Kaoru: Oh, Battousai wants to be punished, IS THAT RIGHT?!?!

Battousai: O_Ox *run awaaaaaaaaaay!!!* I promise I’ll be good! Yipe! Kaoru - yipe! Yipe!

Kaoru: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

Yahiko: When Sano said Kenshin was whipped, I didn’t think he meant literally…

Sano: *coming in, supported by Megumi* I didn’t think so either.

Cherry: *popping out of Authorspace* Ha ha, my other RK love muffin! Mine! *glomps Sano and disappears Kami-sama knows where with him*

Yahiko + Megumi: *sweatdrop*

Saitou: *as Battousai runs around the set, followed be Kaoru and her whip, and everything else just goes to chaos* So, can we just rename the series, cast me as the main character, and have me save Japan?

Director: Let me think about it…

Cherry: I thought you thought “Dominatrix Kaoru” was one of your sister’s more insane offshoots.

Kanashimi: I do. But since she already drew a doujinshi for it, I thought we’d use the idea anyway.

Cherry: I have a hard time figuring out which one of you is more depraved sometimes…

Narrator: *still unconscious and duct-taped to the chair* ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz…

Scene where Kenshin says goodbye to Kyoto (Kanashimi: About the only time my onee-sama would willingly help me to kick Kenshin’s ass for being an idiot…):

Kenshin: *hugging Kaoru* Thank you for everything. Sessha wa rurouni…I must return to wandering.

Kaoru: *begins crying*

Kenshin: Sayonara...

Kaoru: Ken…shi-eep! *jumps out of his arms, blushing*

Director: Cut! Kenshin, I saw that!

Kenshin: *innocent* Oro?

Director: Don’t give me that, mister! This is a very dramatic scene full of angst! You’re leaving the woman you love to go back to your past, where you might possibly die! You don’t screw it up by goosing her, for God’s sake! Eargh, between your groping and Kaoru’s getup, it’s like we’re filming a hentai series!

Sanosuke: *offstage* And that’s bad because…? (gets thwapped by Megumi)

Scene where Saitou meets up with Kenshin and Misao in Eiji’s village:

Saitou: What are you doing here? I thought you’d be well on your way to Kyoto by now. *notices Misao* And what’s with the… *does mental math: Kaoru = Tanuki, Megumi = Kitsune, Misao = …* ita…

Misao: *posing “sexily” in a Michelle Pfeiffer-esque cat suit* Mrowr?

Saitou: *blink, blink* Okay, just how the hell did you do that?

Misao: Ultimate Ninja Secret Quick Change! I’d tell ya how it works, but I’d have to kill ya! Nyow!

Saitou: *looks over at Kenshin*

Kenshin: *shrugs* I wasn’t paying attention.

Saitou: (-_-) Why do I not find that hard to believe?

Misao: Yoo-hoo, Aoshi-sama! Look at me! I’m your little love kitten! Purrr!

Hiko: “Love kitten”? Is there something you should be telling us, Aoshi?

Aoshi: *sweatdrop*

Director: Um, cut?

RK Extra: The Return of the Top Ten Lists

Kanashimi: What can I say; I’m on a Tolkien fix. Get the last movie out, already!

Cherry: We should have gone with “The Top Ten Lists Strike Back”…

Kanashimi: *shrugs and waves an “I love you, Aragorn!” banner* Whoo-hoo!

Top Ten Ways to Tweak a Drunken Master (aka Seijuro Hiko XIII):

1. Steal his saké.

2. Use his kiln for a weenie roast; demand marshmallows for s’mores when he asks you what the hell you’re doing.

3. Empty all his saké out behind the house and replace it with water (or Kool-aid, if you’re sadistic and can run very fast).

4. Dye his cape purple and glue sequins to it; tell him it’s to go with his Elton John “Yellow Brick Road” CD.

5. Add moonshine to his saké and explain that it just did not have enough “kick.”

6. Play catch with one of his vases.

7. Play “keep-away” with all of his vases.

8. Pour his saké out on the flowers and say you’re going to grow a “happy garden.”

9. Ask him if his hair is naturally green or if he lost a bet with his beautician.

10. Use all of his sake as an accelerant for a huge bonfire. When he demands an explanation, calmly answer that it is a signal flare for the British Navy to come and rescue you.