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Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!: Chapter 8 - Semantics?

by The Narrator

Scene where Misao is trying to catch Kenshin:

Misao: You’re not getting away from me! *stops short at the edge of a reeaaalllly deep gully* He jumped this?! What kind of monster is he?!

Kenshin: *on other side* This game is over. Sessha suggests that you give up this silly chase and forget about Aoshi de gozaru. The reason he left you behind in Kyoto, I believe, was that he wanted to keep you safe. It is silly to continue risking your life like this de gozaru.

Misao: *turns away*

Kenshin: *thinking* I am sorry, Misao-dono, but it is better this way…

Misao: *turns suddenly* Don’t talk crap like that to me! *charges forward* I can’t forget about Aoshi-sama! He’s the most important person in the world to me! You just don’t forget people like that, you baka! *jumps* Kenshin: O_Ox *oh, shit!*

Misao: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Kenshin: *gears up to jump down after her*

Misao: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….! *WHUMP!!* Whoopsie…

Kenshin: *knocked silly by Misao plowing into him* Oroooooo…Misao-dono, you weren’t supposed to make that jump de gozaru…

Misao: Gomen, Himura! Guess it’s these sandals Soujiro bought for me…

Aoshi: *offstage* Since when was that Prozac-overdosed psychotic buying you shoes?!

Misao: Ummmm…

Soujiro: It was just a gift, Aoshi-san…

Aoshi: *deathglare*

Soujiro: ^_^()

Director: Cut! As fascinating as this allusion to alternate pairing is, can you two take it outside so we can redo this thing?

Aoshi: See you out back in five, Smiley-boy.

Soujiro: You better bring it, Mr. Wakazashi-Up-His-Butt…

Kenshin vs. Senkaku:

Kenshin: *darts behind Senkaku for like the hundredth time*

Senkaku: Are you afraid to fight me like a man?! Stop running around the floor like a little cockroach-mouse!

Kenshin: “Cock-roach mouse”? Isn’t that rather biologically impossible?

Senkaku: Ummm…

Misao: He’s got a point…ewwwww…

Shishio: That really was a rather stupid insult. No wonder why I have Soujiro kill you later on.

Soujiro: ^_^

Senkaku: *eep!*

Saitou: When you’re insulting someone in a fight, you need to be a little more intellectual than that, ahou. Stupid name-calling makes you sound like a kindergartener. Then again, you also fight like one.

Senkaku: Hey! You just shut up about my bad-mouthing or I’ll…

Saitou: What? Bleed on me?

Director: Cut! How many times do I have to say it?! No more Monty Python!

Kenshin vs. Soujiro, Round One:

Shishio: *riding away with Yumi*…the battou-jutsu speed of both will be equal.

Kenshin + Soujiro: *both suddenly draw blades and attack*

Shishio: And because Soujiro has no qualms against killing, his will be the better blade. Shot of Kenshin’s shocked face as a piece of his sakabatou goes twirling away…only…

Misao: I didn’t know you could do that with wiffle bats.

Kenshin: *looking at the stub of the wiffle bat still in his hand* Oroo…

Soujiro: *looks at his cracked-to-crap bat* What the…

Saitou: *snort!* Wahahahahahahahaha!!

Kenshin: Soujiro, I don’t suppose you would mind calling a truce for five minutes de gozaru ka?

Soujiro: *angry Smiley-Psycho-Boy* Absolutely not.

Kenshin + Soujiro: *dive at Saitou, intent on beating the crap out of him*

Kanashimi: *phasing in out of nowhere* I think not! *grabs Saitou and disappears*

Director: Cut! Okay, who’s going after Saitou this time?

RK cast: *look at him blankly*

Director: *sigh*

Scene where Sano first meets Anji:

Sano: *having just lost his food to a mini-earthquake* What the hell was that?! *Pushes aside some bushes*

Anji: *sitting in the middle of a circle of mini-Jizo statues, chanting* Amidda-Buhdda no, etc., etc., etc…

Sano: A monk? Is he trying to do some sort of houriki?

Anji: Ho! *plunges blade into the ground*

Mini-Jizos: *explode, sending candy flying everywhere*

Anji: *^_^* And that is the Futai-no-Kiwama Secret technique, Piñatas-to-Powder!

Some random children (who look suspiciously like the group Anji was taking care of before they were killed) come running out and begin gathering up the candy.

Sano: WTF?!

Children: Arigatou, Anji-san!

Director: Cut! Anji, what the hell are you doing?!

Anji: Huh? Oh, I didn’t know we were filming yet. Sorry. You kids go eat that candy in the break room.

Children: Hai!

Yahiko: No fair, I wanted some!

Scene where Sano meets Captain Sagara:

Sano: Is this some sort of dream or vision? Or are you a ghost? *looks closely at Sagara* Augh, no legs! Ghost, ghost!! *backpedals as fast at he can on his rear*

Sagara: Ahahahaha!! Man, Sano, you should see the look on your face! It reminds me of the time Katsu scared you with that oni mask and you wet your pants!

Sano: *blush* Sagara-taicho!

Sagara: Whoo-hoo, heh heh heh...sorry, it’s just....ahahahahahahaha!!!

Yahiko: *offstage* Guess Kenshin’s not the only one who didn’t get potty-trained early…

Director: Cut!

RK Extras!

Narrator: I can’t believe how many people wanted a list for Kamatari. Here it is folks!

Top Ten Ways to Mess With a Cross-dressing Psycho:

1. Steal the life-sized cardboard cutout of Shishio from his closet and use it for a Halloween prop.

2. Replace his Lancôme products with Pretty Princess Barbie makeup. *shudder*

3. Drop hints that Shishio loves blue hair.

4. Use his Backstreet Boys CDs for coasters.

5. Point out that Yumi is considerably more *ahem* well-endowed than he is.

6. Vote for Soujiro in the “RK Prettiest Bishonen Contest.”

7. Use his scythe for a lawn ornament.

8. Play Frisbee with his special, limited-edition “Rocky Horror Picture Show” DVD.

9. Get him drunk and have him sing “1/2” for Shishio. (although that’s more Shishio-torture than anything. *^.^*)

10. Blackmail him with pictures you took of him without makeup.

Narrator: Good thing Kamatari’s at a hot springs resort and can’t be here to threaten my life. Next victim is Sano…

Cherry: Noooooooooo!

Narrator: Ease up! I’m letting you help Kanashimi torture Kenshin, when this is all over. Sorry, Kenshin.

Kenshin: It’s only fair de gozaru.

Sano: Easy for you to say!

Narrator: Anyway, this next list is just something I thought up after watching “Seisouhen” again. Dang, that movie’s depressing, but I can’t really do outtakes from it. It makes me feel squidgy. So I settled for the next best thing:

Things Not Said in “Seisouhen” that Really Needed Saying:

Kenshin: “Wow, I’ve laid Enishi’s vengeance to rest, married the woman of my dreams, and begat a son. I think I’ll abandon my wife to go off on some completely unnecessary quest for redemption, which will undoubtedly embitter my son against me for as long as I live.

“Not!”

Kaoru: “Of course I support and understand Kenshin’s decision to leave. I’m his wife. Saitou, can I borrow a pair of handcuffs?”

Yahiko: “I love Kaoru. She took me in and practically made me her little brother. I don’t know why I ever called her all those names. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Okay Kaoru, now can I have my diary back?!”

Kaoru: Nu-uh! Once more, Yahiko-chan, with feeling!

Yahiko: *%#@$!

Sano: “Scruffy = Sexy”

Megumi: *cue the fox ears* OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

Hiko: “I’m the only one in this damn movie who’s not in desperate need of therapy. And then they saddle me with this brat…”

Kenji: Bite me.

Enishi: “Who’s this ‘Caligula’ person Narrator keeps comparing me to? Oooo, oooo, Battousai! Can I be the flower girl at yours and Kaoru-san’s wedding? Pretty please?!”

Saitou: “Why the hell am I even in this movie if I don’t get any lines?”

Misao: “Why the %$#@ am I not in this movie!?”

Shishio: “Do you all really enjoy seeing me spontaneously combust that much?”

RK cast: Yes!

Shishio: -_-

Kenji: “I need a hug.”

Narrator: *glomp!* Eee-hee! If I can’t have Kenshin, I’ll settle for the chibi version!

Kenji: *sweatdrop* Erk…

Salute!