This fan fiction is based on the Rurouni Kenshin manga. Rurouni Kenshin characters are the property of creator Nobohiro Watsuke, Shueisha, Shonen Jump, Sony Entertainment, and VIZ Comics. This is a non-profit work for entertainment purposes only. Permission was not obtained from the above parties.
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Ni To Iu Hitokiri: Chapter 2 - Parrot


by wombat


(The scene: Katsura walking up a mountain path, near Otsu. He enters a house and greets Kenshin, who is kneeling beside Tomoe's body.)

"Hello, jou-chan?"

"What do you mean, jou-chan?"

"I'm sorry, I have a cold. Himura, I heard about--"

"Never mind that. I wish to register a complaint about this here wife you gave me not half a year ago."

"...Oh yes, er, the Yukishiro. What's wrong with her?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with her. She's dead, that's what's wrong with her."

"No, no, she's just resting! Remarkable woman, the Yukishiro... beautiful obi--"

"The obi don't enter into it. I know a dead wife when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now..."

"No, I tell you she's resting!"

"All right, if she's resting, let's wake her up!" (leans down and yells into her ear:) "Hello, Tomoe-san!"

(Katsura kicks the futon) "There, she moved!"

"No she didn't, that was you kicking the futon!"

"I never!"

(Kenshin leans back down to her ear.) "Wakey wakey, I've got a nice piece of daikon for you!" (He whips back the blanket, grabs Tomoe's arm, pulls it off, and hits Katsura with it.) "Now that's what I call a dead wife."

"No, she's just-- she's stunned, that's all. You stunned her just as she was waking up! The Yukishiro family stuns easily."

"Now, look mate, I've had enough of this. That wife is definitely deceased, and when I married her not half a year ago, you assured me that her total lack of expression was due to her being tired and shagged out after a long walk from Edo."

"Well then, she's probably pining for her ex-fiance."

"Pining for her ex-fiance? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she fall flat on her back the moment I said I'd protect her?"

"She prefers resting on her back!"

"I took the liberty of examining her once we got to Otsu, and I discovered that the only reason her tanto was in her hand was that it'd been nailed there."

(pause)

"Well, of course I had to nail it there! If I hadn't nailed her tanto there, then the moment she fell down, it would've flown out of her hand toward your face, and voom!"

"Voom? This woman wouldn't voom if you put four gallons of sake into her! She's bleedin' demised!"

"No no, she's pining!"

"She's not pining, she's passed on! This woman is no more! She has ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace! She's kicked the bucket, shuffled off her mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-WIFE!"

(another pause)

"Well, I'd better replace her then." (flips to the end of his little black book) "Sorry, we're right out of Yukishiro women. We've got her brother."

"Can he cook?"

"...Not really."

"Then he's hardly a bloody replacement, is he?!"

(Katsura flips forward through the book.) "How about a tanuki, then? She can't cook either, but if this doujinshi is correct, she'll shag you like a rabid mink on Spanish Fly."

(Kenshin considers this.) "...Oh, all right then."

(They leave the house together. Katsura tosses a match behind them. As the sake-soaked premises burst into flame, Katsura remarks that obviously Tomoe can "voom" after all. Kenshin hits him with a rubber chicken. Fade out to montage of figures silhouetted against flame, locked in slow-motion combat with more rubber chickens. A close-up view of another rubber chicken looms toward the camera until it pops out of the screen to smash wombat paws away from the keyboardiw45p9'pwrwr;'we.)

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