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Ni To Iu Hitokiri: Chapter 3 - Confuse a Cat

by wombat

[Sano wanders into the kitchen of the Kamiya dojo.]

“Oi, thought I’d drop by in time for dinner-oh, so jou-chan’s doing the cooking tonight. Never mind.”

“And just what is that supposed to mean? We don’t even make you pay for your food, not that you do at the Akabeko anyway-you ungrateful freeloader!”

[Sano ducks a cascade of miscellaneous kitchen implements] “Jeez, I didn’t expect some kind of Shinsengumi ambush.”

[Saitou and Okita burst in, with Kondou at their forefront as spokesman.] “NOBODY expects a Shinsengumi ambush! Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear. Er. Our two chief weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency. ...Our *three* chief weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Shogun-Oh, we’ll start over.”

[They exit. Kaoru looks at Sano. He shrugs.] “I didn’t expect some kind of Shinsengumi ambush.”

“NOBODY expects a Shinsengumi ambush! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Shogun, and nice blue jackets-oh poo. Okita, you’ll have to do this.”

“Sir?”

“The speech about out chief weapons. You do it this time.”

“But sir, I really can’t-“

“Hush!”

[Kondou drags them back out. Okita is suddenly shoved back into the room by himself. He looks around uncertainly, trying to suppress a cough.] “Nobody, er, expects a Shinsengumi... *coff*”

[He’s prompted by a fierce whisper from the other side of the doorway.] “Ambush!”

“Er, yes. *coffcoff* Nobody expects a Shinsengumi ambush. *hack coff* In fact, those who do expect it-“

“Our chief weapons!”

“*coff hack coff* Our chief weapons are, er,...” [trails off into a huge fit of coughing and collapses into a pile of his own lungs.]

[Kondou re-emerges with Saitou and gingerly shoves Okita back out with his foot..] “Right. Nobody expects a Shinsengumi ambush, blah blah blah. You are hereby charged with treason against the Shogunate. How do you plead?”

“Innocent.”

‘Ha! Haha! Hahahaha! Mwahahahahahah! Unrepentant traitors, you shall be punished! Captain Saitou, attack them with the Gatotsu!”

[Saitou whips his left hand out from behind his back and brandishes it at them. He is holding a small kitten which is meowing confusedly in Spanish.] “Miau?”

[under his breath] “Captain Saitou, what is that?”

“I thought you said to prepare for this mission by training with the gatito.”

[closes his eyes for a moment, struggling for patience] “Right. Captain Saitou, attack them with the gatito!”

“Miau?”

[Kaoru snatches the kitten and cuddles it.] “Kawaii!”

[Kondou grits his teeth.] “I see you are made of stronger stuff. Captain! Force the other one to lie down upon... the comfy futon! Hah! What do you say to that?”

[Sano wiggles around on it and stretches.] “Hey, this is pretty nice. Wanna join me?”

[Saitou whispers fiercely at him.] “Quiet, or he’ll tell Tokio! I’ll join you in the yaoi doujinshi next door after this is done, okay? There’s no one else to stand between us now that Okita is dead.”

[The sound of weak coughing starts up again from the floor.] “I’m not dead yet.”

“Yes you are, you’ll be stone-dead in a minute.” [Kondou tries to kick Okita’s grip off his ankle.]

“I feel fine! I feel happy! I think I’ll go for a walk now-“ [Kondou gives him a boot to the head. He lies still.]

“Right. That takes care of him. Now for the lot of you-Hey. Where did everyone go?”

[more muffled sounds come from the other side of the stage, appearing to indicate someone playing with a cat and someone else engaging in vigorous activity on a futon. Curtain falls.]