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Ni To Iu Hitokiri: Chapter 4 - Rabbit

by wombat

[The scene: a street in Tokyo. A number of rogues, malcontents, and other such ruffians are gathered outside a gate, where their guide has just brought them.]

“Behold the dojo of Kamiya Kasshin! But enter only if ye be men (or crossdressers) of valor, for it is guarded by a hitokiri so foul and cruel that no man yet has fought with him and lived! At least until he vowed to give up killing, but never mind that part. If he turns his sakabatou, then death awaits you all with little pink socks!”

[They peer around the gate, first with apprehension, then more boldly.]

“So where is this guy? Behind the rurouni?”

“It IS the rurouni!”

“You silly sod, you got us all worked up! I soiled my hakama, I was so scared.”

“That’s no ordinary rurouni-‘tis the most cruel and foul-tempered brother-in-law I’ve ever had!”

“And how many brothers-in-law have you had?”

“Shut up! That rurouni’s got a vicious streak. He’s a killer!”

“What’s he do, wash my gi off?”

*whap* “This isn’t a yaoi doujinshi either. I’ll go in and kill him. One bloody laundry pail coming right up!”

“Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu Tsui Sen!” *splat*

“Kami H. Sama!”

“I warned you! I told you he was no ordinary rurouni, but would you listen to me? Nooo, it’s always the same...”

“Charge!”

[They all charge in except for Enishi, who stands there chuckling quietly. (“Fufufufufu.”) Shortly thereafter, they stagger back out.]

“Run away! All right, who did we lose?”

“Usui, Anji, and Soujirou. That’s five.”

“Three, sir.”

“Three. Let us taunt him. Perhaps he will become so cross, he’ll make a mistake.”

“...Like what?”

“Oh, shut up and go change your hakama. We’ll have to attack him from a distance. Do we have Armstrong cannons?”

“Not in this episode. We have got a blowup doll.”

“Of course! The blowup doll of Kamiya Kaoru! ‘Tis one of the weird-ass things Brother Gein has made! ...How do we use it?”

“Let us consult the Holy Book of Blowup Dolls. ‘And Susano-wo spake, saying, first shalt thou inflate the doll with three breaths, no more, no less.’”

“Wouldn’t that be Anne Boleyn instead?” *whap*

“’... Three shall be the count of thy breathing, and the count of thy breathing shall be three. Twice thou shalt not breathe, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third nuimber, be reached, then leavest thou the blowup doll in the dojo, where thine enemy shall fall down upon his face after dancing a little jig of despair.’”

“Right! *puff* One... *puff* two... *puff* five!”

“Three, sir!”

“Three!”

[The doll of Kaoru is hurled over the wall. There is a short pause, and then Kenshin goes tearing out toward Rakuninmura, where he has a pressing appointment with a wall to slump on.]

“Praise be to Susano-wo!”

[They rush in just as Kaoru yells, “Kenshin, dinner’s ready!” Shortly thereafter, they stagger back out. Kaoru slams the gate behind them.]